Dizfriz's corner

[Dizfriz]

These are my ADHD related essays. I am posting these here so I can refer to them as needed.

The 30% rule. Probably the most helpful thing that can be given to the parent of an ADHD child.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...6&postcount=18

Time Sense in ADHD Children. Very important to help understanding ADHD children.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...12&postcount=1

ADHD Children and Point of Performance and External Consequences. Absolutely critical in helping ADHD children.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...16&postcount=1

Acknowledgments as way of working with ADHD children.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...77&postcount=1

Grieving because your child is ADHD
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...92&postcount=1

Time Out
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...09&postcount=1

Career path for ADHD'ers
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=72027

ADHD Medications and How They Work
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...7&postcount=11

What is ADHD and how does it affect people?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...14#post1099114 (corrected)
http://psych.colorado.edu/~willcutt/...rkley_2002.pdf

"Lying" In Children
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93980

Discipline
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=100084

Discipline Part 2
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=100410


These are meant to be of help. Use them as you will.

Dizfriz

[psychokitty]

Thanks for all your really helpful posts.

The 30% rule has helped me a lot recently. My 5 year old daughter has problems doing things by herself...things Ibeoieve she should be able to do.

But if I think of her as 3.....then I know that I have to help her and not expect her to be able to do it by herself. I am more patient and can deal with a situation with laughter and love rather than anger. She is taking forever to get dressed?.....forget the fact that she HAS to do it for herself and help her pull up her jeans....tickling her as I do it.

[A@PisDEX]

DRIZ,

I am 44 yrs. old . Is it possible that I have a time sense
of a two? I am dead serious. Since I saw this post, I have been trying my best to obeserved how my mind operate in a manner you described. Unless of course
it fills up the paasionate spot on me or the spots that
means a lot to me.

Its incredible to have you. This effort of posting
all this highly informative
knowledge
tells me a lot.
A million thanks.

[fpeebles]

Thanks for posting these. Now if there was only a guide for adults. I wish my parents had known these.
Thanks again,
Francisco

[Kimbo]

My parents wished they knew these!! Thank you so much for this thread...awesome.
My mom is going through the whole process with me (for my son, Kellan), and she really wishes that AD/HD was better know back then.
the guilt can be terrible it seems......... thank you again

[Dizfriz]

Kimbo

May I suggest that your mother not feel guilty. Guilt is not a very productive emotion and has little place in solving problems or, in therapy, healing. I really do not have a lot of use for it in general as I can see that it does little good.

I am going to give you some ideas that might be of some use for your mother. This is not aimed specifically at her but is a general discussion of some ideas on the subject. If anyone reading likes them, use the ideas as you will. If not, feel totally free to ignore the post. These are just thoughts, nothing more. There is a lot more to these ideas this but I thought this might be useful to some.

----

Since guilt is not a useful emotion, what what can you put in it's place? I am going to focus on decisions, something you decided to or not to do that caused problems, hurt, or harm to someone (including yourself). The process works for all decisions but here we are discussing guilt.

Before we get started, first you have to be able to judge if your decisions were bad ones or good ones with unintended consequences.

What you look for is whether or not your decisions were the best possible ones based on the information you had *at the time*. It makes no difference if you find information later on that might change your decisions. If the decisions you made were the best you could make at that time with the information you had then, that was the best you had in you.

Another way of looking at this is to ask yourself: "Given the information I had at the time, under that same circumstances, would I have made the same decisions again?" If this answer is "yes" then you made the best decision you could and that is as good as it gets no matter what the consequences..

Let us say that perhaps the answers to the questions above are "No", what now? The prime rule here is to "Never look back". Feel on the back of your head. Do you feel a reset button? If not, there is nothing you can do to change your past decisions. You should analyze what you did and why but it does no good to agonize over something you cannot change, focus instead on what you can.

Since guilt is not very useful, what do you use take it's place? I am going to suggest that instead of guilt you take responsibility. One way to do this is to make amends to the person harmed. That is not always possible or practical but it is not a bad thing to do. The primary way, in my opinion, to take responsibility in changing yourself in such a way as to become a person who would never make those "bad" decisions again; a somewhat different person, if you would. This does not let you off the hook however as you are totally responsible for the consequences of your decisions. You, however, are no longer the person who made the decisions but now have become a person who is incapable of making them again.

A major part of taking responsibility is to now go forth and make new decisions that, in their turn, are the best you can make with the information you have on hand. That is all you can really do, keep on making the best decisions you can and then seeing what needs changing and making better ones as the circle continues.

May I suggest that you discuss with your mother that her task is not to feel guilt but to use the past to make the best decisions she can make in the here and now to help you and your son.



Good luck

Dizfriz

[justj]

Thank you so much for this post. We have an 8yo son who has an appointment in a week with his doctor but I am certain that he has adhd. Looking at him sitting right now with his sister, I suddenly get why he can't do what we ask of him. I want to go put signs up all around my house that say "30%" so we can remember to give him instructions at an age appropriate level.

Thank you! Thank you!

[Ames33]

This 30% rule makes so much sense thank you so much !

[LynneC]

Thanks so much Dizfriz, for putting this in one place. My 7 year old was recently diagnosed w/ ADHD and the info in this sticky has completely changed my perspective of him, and how to be an effective, compassionate and fair parent. Great info!

[bunkie68]

Thank you so much - I just read the 30% rule, and I'm hoping that when I think of my 7-year-old as functioning closer to the level of a 4- or 5-year-old, it will make it easier for me to respond to his actions (or lack thereof) without losing my temper as I tend to do.

[meridian]

Thank goodness for the 30% rule. I'm so happy to be 42 again!






OK, kidding aside, this is great stuff, thanks!

[danelady]

Yes,temporal myopia!

I remember always being nagged when I was young...what will you be when you grow up? Who will take care of you? What will you do,live?

What,where,why??

'Isn't it always now?' That's as far as my brain could take me. That's the pit of quicksand I was stuck in.

Its very useful I guess in those life threatening situations,but the ability to plan and execute for one's future is also an important lifesaving ability.

Very,very enlightening! Thank you.

[Dizfriz]

Something I think I need to note:

Much of the content of my essays on ADHD are my versions and explanation of ideas I have picked up over the years from workshops and books by Russell Barkley and used with parents of ADHD kids. I will steal good ideas without conscience or mercy but I do believe in giving credit. I wanted to add this bit of disclaimer to my corner just to make it clear where a lot of the ideas come from.

Dizfriz

[itsanADHDthing]

so Im 12 ?

[OneHotMess]

Just, Wow! My 8yo son was DX'ed with ADHD-I almost two years ago. And I must say, I am feeling a bit of the dreaded guilt(even after reading your thoughts). I was under the wrongful assumption that you medicate, and poof, all is well. I am finding out how very wrong I was. In my own defense though, I was JUST DX'ed with ADHD-PI. Let me tell ya, at 42 years old, a widow and just NOW doing the RX game for myself AND finally having a little bit of brain power to fully understand what is going on with my son(and the decades I lost to ADD)......I'm a bit overwhelmed!

I just joined this group today and the information here is like gold to me! Thank you SOOOOOOO very much for your in-sites, encouragement and practical approach!! I will definitaly have to pick up some of Dr Barkley's material.

In the mean time, could you let me know the magic dosage for my ADD so I can help my son better? Kidding.

Many blessings to you and yours!!!