Anxiety, ADD, Love and relationships

[drrobert]

Pretty much a year ago (20.01.2008 to be precise), I had to admit to quite a severe Cocaïne addiction wich had been going on for about two years. Being only 17 at the time, and not having a job and therefor any of my own money to buy myself the stuff, I had to steal from my parents, and, they obviously found that out.

I had always felt quite different from everybody around me, it be the people in school, or my family. I didn't use the word schoolmate because that would imply some sort of personal relationship with them. As a kid, I was always the one everybody would make fun of, because well, I certainly wasn't the strongest, and I was extremely this. I still am to that day by the way.To make matters worse, my coordination was terrible. It was for example absolutely impossible for me to play football, my feet always missing the ball even if I was just in front of the goalkeeper and I just had to shoot for the team I was on to win a game, so I would never, ever, join the other kids to play, afraid to be humiliated, and I would always end up in this tree, eating some chocolate and pretending I was a famous songwriter and whatnot.

I didn't have any friends, until the 5th grade, where I finally understood what could actually make people enjoy being with me. I was always quite daring, and started acting like a goofball, spreading mayhem around. I would get into trouble and my parents would ask themselves what had turned wrong inside me, but as long as my classmates laughed, and liked me, there was absolutely nothing anybody could do to make me stop.
So I would pretty much get into trouble, but always pass my class, and it would remain this way until my sophomore year of high school.

I have always been an art lover, and would be interested in anything ranging from litterature, to paintings. But my real love resided in music. For as long as I can remember music has been an integral part of my life. As a kid, I didn't want to be a fireman, I wanted to be in The Beatles or Bob Dylan.
During my freshmen year of High School, I formed my first band wich went on to become quite of a local success. I was very popular at that time, and people finally would like me for something that was actually worth it. We put out a record and would play gigs around the country, etc... This was pretty much the time I met my first and only girlfriend, and when I started experiencing with drugs.

The first time I snorted some cocaïne was just like a second awakening for me. The very self conscious, insecure and unatractive me was replaced by something close to a semi-god. I had no boundaries, people loved me. Better, people worshiped me. Wow I must've been acting like a real dick... Time went by fast, and I ended up doing 2 or 3 grams every night, acting like a ****ing monster to everyone around me, sleeping in class all day, or trying to figure out a new way to steal from my parents. Until that looming day arrived, when I had to admit it all, and accept help.

Imagine jumping off a twenty story building, but instead of being hurt yourself, the whole world around you collapses and you realise it is all your fault. The first couple of months were pure reclusion, I was forbidden to go out, see anybody, and had to drop out from school. I would spend all day sleeping or crying, the only break being seeing the psychiatrist that was in charge of my rehabilitation. After maybe three months of seeing me every couple days or so, he pointed the fact that I probably was suffering from ADD. He said that, and I instantly knew what my problem was. it all just fell into place and I took extensive tests to confirm the diagnostic. The result was positive, and I started a treatment on Ritalin and then Dexamphetamine, for it helped for the cocaine craves.

Life amongst my family is better than ever, ADD did explain many if the things they feared was at first their fault, they have been much less guilt-ridden since then. However, I find myself being extremely lonely. I have only one friend with whom I can act normally, and I end up spending most of my time alone. When i'm around people I always act like a miserable ****, I can't even start trying to have a good time. My love life is absolutely blank and has been for more than a year now... Absolutely no physical contact, not a flirt, nada. I can't start to explain how horrible I feel, how depressed I am, how ridiculous I know this all is, and how much I hate myself for not being able or subconsciously willing to do anything about it.

I'm lonely, i'm depressed, it's very painful and i'm extremely tired of living with this. I am healthy though, i'm studying sound engineering and I have a great job. But my, lacking somebody to hold in your arms and to be held in their arms by, is worse than not having a job, it's worse than cocaine withdrawal.

Sorry for the long introduction, and it would be great if you could give me some advice on anything.

Thanks.

[monger2]

Hi. You sound a lot like me. I'm now 32 and doing ok. For the most part. What I have learned over the years, is that you are not alone. You will find people that understand you. And when you do, you will find comfort in the fact that they too, think like you. Your artistic side reminds me of me. I was always different. While other people went off to get business degrees, I sat in the back of the class sketching and day dreaming.

Now I use my abstract mind to make a living. I'm in advertising. And my bizarre way of thinking - normal to the rest of the creative dept = commands me a nice pay check. And you know what? It's easy. I get paid because my brain works differently. In fact, all those personality challenged idiots that called me weird are not doing nearly as well.

You can do it too. You are original. Remember that. And you're not alone. Look at the list of famous artist and musicians that share our way of thinking. We are in very good company. Believe me.

[monger2]

My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to be different. I always have been. I go to counseling twice a week now to keep myself on track. I suggest this to you too. It's great to have someone to get everything off your chest with.