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  #46  
Old 02-26-09, 01:57 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

You're not an idiot, it hard to understand the whys and wherefore of the processes of other people's brains.
I am constantly amazed at a NTers ability to snap out answers to things that take me time to consider, figure out how to put into words, articulate, then finally express vocally.
Its like I have to go through each step one at a time.
lol then the hyperactive or the impulive kicks in and I swing to opposite way and put my foot in my mouth, like I skiped a few steps before I spoke.
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  #47  
Old 02-26-09, 01:58 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

My DH falls asleep anytime we're trying to have a serious discussion. My older stepdaughter, with strong ADD will be sitting in front of a tv and she looks okay, but you notice that her eyes are closed and she's not exactly sleeping, she says she can hear everything, but it's like zoning out. The family is also famous for falling asleep in cars. I know that for the most part, my DH and stepdaughter will be asleep within a 1/2 hour of a car ride. My DH also falls asleep every night on his commute on the ferry home.

I'm glad to see that others have this experience with the "processing" of questions. I used to think that he was just not listening and was using that excuse to try and figure out what I'd say when he wasn't paying attention. He definitely has the attention deficit style ADD. I literally have walked away mid-conversation with him, when I'm in mid-sentence, and he never noticed.
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Old 02-26-09, 02:04 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

My DH and I are not exactly a good match in that way, as I am a rapid-answerer type. If you've seen that show MASH, I'm "Radar O'Reilley." I can anticipate what someone will want, need, or say. Can you picture what ensues in that case? My family is very much the quick speaking types, and excel at things like improv, comedy, advertising.

My family with DH, they are readers of large fantasy books, love video games with detailed worlds, love fantasy movies with complex plots. They like to have sounds going at all times.. like music, tv, etc.

Me? I hate having the TV on, listen to classical music mostly, don't like fantasy stories or videos, and mostly read non-fiction.

I sometimes feel like an alligator living in a clan of bears.

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Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
You're not an idiot, it hard to understand the whys and wherefore of the processes of other people's brains.
I am constantly amazed at a NTers ability to snap out answers to things that take me time to consider, figure out how to put into words, articulate, then finally express vocally.
Its like I have to go through each step one at a time.
lol then the hyperactive or the impulive kicks in and I swing to opposite way and put my foot in my mouth, like I skiped a few steps before I spoke.
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  #49  
Old 02-26-09, 02:17 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

My younger brother is a very quick thinking NTer who has a great talent to spot problems and figure out how to fix them very quickly. Then wants to deal with it NOW.

Pretty well the rest of the family are ADD or ADHD (or something) and often slow to respond to his queries, and don't think things need to be dealt with right now, it can wait until tomorrow. Or just plain old don't see the problem.

He finds us endlessly frustrating, and only comes for short visits.

He once said in complete exasperation "It seems like I've spent my whole waiting for you people to catch up!" at a thanksgiving dinner that was served 2 hours late.

Unfortunately, comment such as this in a room full of ADD, ADHD, ODD and OCD only caused a major uproar and he had a strip torn off him by his mother, aunt, and a couple of cousins. (I was in the kitchen at the time, with my hands full lol)
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Old 02-26-09, 05:26 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Oh I can so relate to your brother! But I can see where that comment didn't sit well. Though I know that many of us post about the frustrations of an ADD partner, I have no doubt that my particular brand of thinking is no picnic to others, as well. And my own family is just like me. My DH and family usually just sit back and watch the show when my family gets together -- it's like "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Until this recent discovery of the ADD that runs deeply through my DH's family, I used to try to describe to them that I felt like the odd man out -- and moreso than any other stepparent that I've talked to. Like I've mentioned, I felt like an alligator trying to live with bears. And I would draw a picture for my husband and show him how everyone seemed to revolve in this orbit, and I was like the astronaut tethered to the group, but floating outside their world.

It's been fascinating to read the other stories here and feel validated in my observations.

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Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
My younger brother is a very quick thinking NTer who has a great talent to spot problems and figure out how to fix them very quickly. Then wants to deal with it NOW.

He finds us endlessly frustrating, and only comes for short visits.

He once said in complete exasperation "It seems like I've spent my whole waiting for you people to catch up!" at a thanksgiving dinner that was served 2 hours late.

Unfortunately, comment such as this in a room full of ADD, ADHD, ODD and OCD only caused a major uproar and he had a strip torn off him by his mother, aunt, and a couple of cousins. (I was in the kitchen at the time, with my hands full lol)
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  #51  
Old 02-26-09, 06:31 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Wow this is interesting. I'm generally the opposite. I answer questions before they're said, and get impatient with people who talk slow (mainly my family). Ask me any question and I'll give you an answer. That said though, describe a complex problem to me in conversation and I'll zone out and start solving it in my head. Grrrr

However, throw anxiety into the mix and my brain overloads.
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  #52  
Old 04-03-12, 01:11 AM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Wow, I too am handsome, supertalented musically, and quite charming. Okay, I'm a total flake, but all joking aside, gently guide him to a website with a checklist for adult AD/HD. He'll probably see himself there pretty quickly.
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  #53  
Old 04-03-12, 10:17 AM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

This thread is from more than two years ago that you bumped up

I am curious sometimes when I come across these old posts where the OP is now and how they are doing.... but, just to save people time to respond as this post is old.
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Old 04-06-12, 06:26 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Well, I for one am so glad this thread was bumped up today of all days, since i just joined this forum today! I too have a musician ADHD spouse with anger issues (maybe mild bpd) and our lives seemingly spiralling out of control these last few weeks with still ANOther job starting to disintegrate and having to start over AGAIN.... watching my son who is 10 years old start to be ExActly like his dad... Overwhelming right now but very helpful to hear of others in similar situations. i told my husband yesterday he HAS to try medication. It has helped my son and we cannot continue to live like this. I am blessed with my healthy children and my husband who is a good person deep down but the pressure of maintaining any and all stability in the household, both financial and mental, is overwhelming right now.
I'm glad I found this forum.
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Old 06-27-12, 05:50 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

My husband (in his 60's) has just discovered recently that his "struggling" with certain life issues was due to ADD. He has since ordered and read a few books on Adult ADD. The problem is that while he has always had ADD (and didn't know it) and is not knowledgeable of what ADD is and what it looks like from outside of himself, he's started to use his diagnosis for an excuse for not making good choices...It almost seems as if he's gone from a level 2 ADD high functioning to a level 10 ADD low functioning person. I tried to have a conversation with him today about something exciting that happened to one of our kids and he literally started walking away from me (wasn't in the mood to hear what I had to say, obviously) and when I questioned this action, he turned to me and said "well you KNOW I have ADD"...I blew a gasket at that point...So here is the scenario in a nutshell:
1. You have always had ADD but didn't know it
2. Now you know that you have it, it is an excuse for behavior that you have NOW that you didn't have BEFORE your diagnosis.

Simple right? He used to brag that he could get from point A to point B without using the GPS. Since his diagnosis, he can't remember how to get to the mall (which we've been to HUNDREDS of times in the past 6 years).

He was told that ADD does not just suddenly appear. But his behavior tells me that he thinks that it has since his diagnosis....

So, I guess this is my post diagnosis life now, I might say it's a whole lot different than my pre-diagnosis life...
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  #56  
Old 06-29-12, 04:29 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Within the first year of our relationship, I asked my DH if he'd ever been tested for Adult ADD. He was offended, defensive and felt quite insulted because he believed I was saying that I believe he has a mental illness. (I don't consider ADHD a mental illness rather a different cognitive style.) He insisted that he doesn't have ADHD and even if he did, he's too old to change now (50s). He was not interested in medication or other forms of ADHD management.

I gave it a lot of thought and realized that ADHD has been around forever while the latest medications and management techniques have not been. He knows the things he struggles with and has developed lots of work-arounds, some positive and some negative, to deal with them. (One of the negatives is that he uses self name-calling and guilt trips in order to overcome procrastination. Not an approach I agree with but he's been doing it all his life. However, I do not allow name-calling, by anyone so when he does it out loud, I call him on it.)

Also, there were things that I needed to change in order to manage any negative impacts of ADHD on our relationship. I needed to change my perspective, approach and reactions. He's never been diagnosed as coping with ADHD but when I act as though he is, things go 100% better.

What did people do before we recognized and managed ADHD? I don't think it's necessary for my DH to own the label of ADHD, but I do certainly believe he's responsible for his behavior same as I am. Boundaries can be drawn and enforced whether or not medication is involved.

I wish he'd try medication because I think it'd help with the three things he complains the most about (lack of sleep, racing thoughts, uncontrolled emotions) and he wouldn't be so frustrated about those things. But, it's his choice whether or not he wants to explore diagnosis/management.

One thing that I remind myself of often is that as frustrating as I can find certain traits associated with ADHD, it must be a thousand times more frustrating for him because he has to live them. I can walk away and not be affected but he never gets a total break from the things he struggles with.

Another thing I consider is that any ADHD person living in this NT world has been expected to [try to] completely change themselves and assimilate to the NTers' way of doing things. It's that way because NTers are the majority and anyone falling outside the majority is considered "abnormal." As a short, female, left-hander, I have some experience trying to operate in a world that's not designed for me. However, I've never had to work against my cognitive abilities to adapt.

(My father was born left-handed and they tied his arm behind his back to make him right-handed since left-handers were considered evil. That had a much more significant affect on him since it did require him to "overcome" his brain wiring.)

I find it ironic [and unfair] when an NTer doesn't want to have to change to accommodate the person in their life who has ADHD. That's what ADHDers have been forced to do all their lives at the hand of NTers!

It's much more effective if people work with each other instead of against each other.
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Old 07-02-12, 10:51 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

I walk around when people are talking to me because I have ADHD. Knowing that I have ADHD means that I will put in the effort to not do this as often. But I will never conquer the part of me that makes me do this.

I walk around when people are talking. I have ADHD. Nothing will ever stop me from doing this.

Any partner of mine has to understand that sometimes, I'm going to wander off. It has nothing to do with them or what they are saying. My body just gets up and moves. It doesn't stay still for long. My mind wanders.

Even my roommate knows this. She just keeps talking, knowing I am listening from the other room. Or she calls me back. "hey where did you go?"

There is utterly no point in getting angry at me for a symptom of my disorder.
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Old 07-02-12, 11:10 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Gives new meaning to having a mind of its own LOL
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Old 07-02-12, 11:12 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
I walk around when people are talking to me because I have ADHD. Knowing that I have ADHD means that I will put in the effort to not do this as often. But I will never conquer the part of me that makes me do this.

I walk around when people are talking. I have ADHD. Nothing will ever stop me from doing this.

Any partner of mine has to understand that sometimes, I'm going to wander off. It has nothing to do with them or what they are saying. My body just gets up and moves. It doesn't stay still for long. My mind wanders.

Even my roommate knows this. She just keeps talking, knowing I am listening from the other room. Or she calls me back. "hey where did you go?"

There is utterly no point in getting angry at me for a symptom of my disorder.
People who get hung up on whether you LOOK like you are listening to them or not really need to think about what's most important to them - being heard, or being stared at raptly?

I've always heard this about "doodling" during a presentation or a church service. "It makes the speaker feel bad if they see people who don't look like they're listening." Well, is their goal to be heard or to "feel good"? Because I will guaran-dang-tee you that I could sit and stare straight at somebody speaking for a half-hour to an hour and not hear a dang word they said.

On the other hand, if I am doodling, scribbling or doing something else with my hands I can often manage to absorb quite a bit. More than if I was looking straight at them. One way, my hands are moving, but my mind is more still. The other way, I'm not moving, but my brain is - somewhere a thousand miles away. The first way, the speaker is heard. The other way, they are not being heard, but hey, at least they can feel good about themselves by mistakenly thinking I'm riveted when I'm not. So I ask, what's their real goal?
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Old 07-03-12, 08:14 PM
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Re: At wit's end with DH's ADD (?) - input needed.

I can't remember anything unless I see my hands doing it. I don't usually doodle, but I'll be taking notes. . .or you'll try to show me even after I say "no, walk me through it or I'll never remember it," and get mad because I don't watch you. I can't help it, because I don't understand and get overloaded trying to learn from watching. Some things just can't get changed.
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