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Old 02-11-09, 05:15 AM
phenom_the_spaz phenom_the_spaz is offline
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"phenom_the_spaz" joining in from Northern VA

Hello. I’m a young female in my late 20’s and I have been struggling with ADHD for as long as I can remember ... too bad for me, my intelligence and ability to overcome obstacles always "masked" my ADHD symptoms to the casual observer and I was instead continuously dubbed a "problem child" all through my childhood and on into my adolescence … no matter how many “specialists” my Mom dragged me to trying to figure out what was wrong with me … *cough*

Needless to say I didn't receive a formal diagnosis of ADHD until just about two years ago, although I had pretty much figured it out myself as early on as my junior year in high school. I basically sought out a diagnosis and treatment plan because life as a “true-adult” after college graduation just kept getting more and more out of control and increasingly overwhelming. My finances were in chaos, I was struggling to keep up with the demands of my new job (while my peers seemed to be handling the work-load with ease, mind you), and keeping up with the daily tasks of meals, laundry, and other tedious life-management jobs and “to-dos” was just simply exhausting. The coping skills I had developed over the years … the same ones that go me through high school and college with honors -- just weren’t cutting it anymore and I was starting to “lose-it” so-to-speak …

Anyway, now I’ve been receiving treatment for two years and I honestly don’t know if I would be where I am today if it wasn’t. I am doing well in my career, I have a great fiancÚ and am getting married this coming fall, and we just bought our first home together this past September. It’s been a huge learning process and I many hours on the internet and at the bookstore has definitely taught me a great deal about my ADHD, and in turn about myself. Although I know I am making progress and am better off than I was 3 years ago, it doesn’t always seem that way. I think the constant battle with being ADHD just can overshadow everything else. As I said, things are indeed better than they were say, 3 years ago, but I still struggle every single day with being an ADHD adult (and a female at that!), in the working world, who is just trying to just “maintain” her sense of normalcy. Lately, this trying to “maintain” is getting really tiring and too often overwhelming.

Specifically, since I know more about ADHD now than ever before in my life, it’s like my symptoms are that much more apparent and frustrating. I “see” when I’m “being ADHD” more and more. I am that much more aware of the constantly making mistakes, making wrong turns, leaving lights on, losing my keys, misreading words, mixing up information, and just not being able to make "the connect" with anything or anyone when and how I want to. Sometimes, the harder I try to concentrate, the harder it is to focus. Other times I will hyper-focus on things for hours without even realizing the time fly by … oh, and of course that usually happens when I need to be somewhere or get something done … so I end up late or missing a deadline. Oh and the “times” where my brain chooses to be hyper-focused, not-focused at all, or just a big jumbled mess of racing and changing thoughts is not even completely up to me. I swear my mind has a mind of its own, if that makes any sense?

Honestly, most days I’m just sick and tired of having to work so hard to get my brain to cooperate with me. Of course, I try to laugh it off whenever I’m being an air-head or a hyper-active, non-stop spaz… but most of the time I just yearn for a clear and level head that I have control over! I hate, hate, hate that I forget and misplace things on a daily basis! I would – just once – like to be able to keep my house organized and uncluttered for more than a day and a half. I wish I wasn’t so darn over-sensitive and I pray that someday, I’ll be able to successfullyprevent letting my emotions get the best of me in difficult situations. I want to be able to start a task and finish it without being pulled away from what I’m doing by external/internal stimuli distracting me so easily! I want to never have to say to myself, “What was I just doing?” again, a phrase I currently says to myself on a daily basis, more than once a day. Yes, hitting a brick wall would be a good way of putting it when that happens. I literally go blank right in the middle of doing something. I walk into a room, my brain shuts off for a second or two, and I forget why I went into said room ... same thing with picking up a phone, turning on my computer, etc. I forget what prompted me to do these things in the first place and retrieving that information ends up taking too long and is way more difficult than I feel it “should” be. It’s embarrassing. Even if I forget what I’m doing while in the middle of doing it all by myself, I feel embarrassed! It is the weirdest feeling to be literally embarrassed when you are in a room all by yourself with nothing and nobody but the furniture.

I’ve also noticed that being almost uncontrollably hypersensitive and hyperemotional and having difficulty with the rapid give and take of group interactions has been leaving me feeling socially "out of it" in general lately. I'm a lot more reserved than I used to be I get uncomfortable in social gatherings more often that I would like. Even when I’m with my friends, I’ve been feeling unsure of myself. Since I now know why I am the way I am and can look back on my life experiences with a bit more clarity as to why this situation or that situation may have gone a certain way etc., I’ve become increasingly self conscious of how I must appear to others around me. Will I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Will I miss something (which I usually do!) … etc. Maybe it's just years of all the frustration and slip-ups weighing me down.

I’ve also started to notice that I sometimes feel lonely even if I’m not really “alone”. I suspect it’s because I know that even if my family and friends do truly care for me and love me, they don’t (and won’t ever!) really understand what being ADHD is like. My thoughts are always so jumbled I don’t even fully understand where my stress, frustration, and ultimate inner-angst comes from 100% of the time, so I don’t except say, my fiancÚ, to understand how the all day, every day, slip-ups, mistakes, and social awkwardness beats me up and weighs me down.

So, basically, that about sums me up and why I’ve joined the forum … I’m looking for any kind of advice, support, and/or understanding I can get. Anyone relate? Will I ever have control over myself?

Last edited by phenom_the_spaz; 02-11-09 at 05:16 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 02-11-09, 08:44 AM
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Re: "phenom_the_spaz" joining in from Northern VA

Hi and welcome aboard...enjoy your stay
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Old 02-11-09, 08:59 AM
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Re: "phenom_the_spaz" joining in from Northern VA

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Old 02-11-09, 10:28 AM
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Re: "phenom_the_spaz" joining in from Northern VA

Hello and welcome to the forums!

We're glad you're here!
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Old 02-11-09, 11:17 AM
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Re: "phenom_the_spaz" joining in from Northern VA

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