ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Adults with ADD > General ADD Talk
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-26-09, 03:39 PM
KFC in CA KFC in CA is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: pacific hwy
Posts: 283
Thanks: 43
Thanked 159 Times in 83 Posts
KFC in CA has a spectacular aura aboutKFC in CA has a spectacular aura about
Picking Arguments because of ADHD

What's up with that?

This issue is part of another thread, but it's mixed in with other issues. I thought I'd ask as it's own narrowly focused topic so that the discussion could be just on that.

There seems to be a number of reasons given for this. I'll start with my perspective.

ADHD is not a reason for picking arguments. Irritation, anger, frustration, stress, etc are reasons. These are primarily temperament driven, emotionally driven. I have a number of choices to select from when I am compelled to argue. I can choose to walk away, say I can't deal with the topic now, quietly nod and come back to discuss later. I have lots of choices. Impulsively arguing is only one of them. I say this as a person who can be uncontrollably compulsive at times, too. I'm lucky I have a tongue, heh.

So, let the discussion begin if anyone is interested in carrying it forth in this thread.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to KFC in CA For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (02-26-09), cdub998 (02-26-09)
  #2  
Old 02-26-09, 03:47 PM
cdub998's Avatar
cdub998 cdub998 is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Raleigh/Durham, NC
Posts: 83
Thanks: 23
Thanked 27 Times in 20 Posts
cdub998 will become famous soon enough
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

I was thinking about this last night. One thought that crashed into me last night was. What if I pick fights from time to time because of the stimulation to my brain. I know some ADD'ers seek stimulation. what if that is another outlet?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to cdub998 For This Useful Post:
oddjobace (02-26-09)
  #3  
Old 02-26-09, 03:56 PM
ADHDTigger's Avatar
ADHDTigger ADHDTigger is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7,024
Thanks: 27,689
Thanked 13,633 Times in 5,040 Posts
ADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

I would completely agree for the most part. I have had times when I was so stuck though that I kept with it. I use any number of things to try to interrupt that but there is a point of no going back and it just needs to run out. I know it's a stimulation issue because I have been able to de-rail it by taking 5 mg of Adderall and hiding in the bathroom until it kicks in.

I can usually avoid the problem entirely by taking L-Tyrosine in the evenings before dinner. It has gotten better.

In general, I have better control, but there have definitely been times that I have lost it completely and generally, it is my brain doing things that I just cannot stop. Half the time, I don't even know that I am doing it. Someone has to tell me later.
__________________
One day we will come to know the truth. This has been a test. Only a test.
If it were your real life, you would have gotten better instructions.


Never forget. "Normal" is just a setting on the washing machine.
Do you really want to be a setting on the washing machine?
If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ADHDTigger For This Useful Post:
kwalk (02-26-09)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 02-26-09, 03:58 PM
ADHDTigger's Avatar
ADHDTigger ADHDTigger is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7,024
Thanks: 27,689
Thanked 13,633 Times in 5,040 Posts
ADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by cdub998 View Post
I was thinking about this last night. One thought that crashed into me last night was. What if I pick fights from time to time because of the stimulation to my brain. I know some ADD'ers seek stimulation. what if that is another outlet?
It is widely believed that it is. The trick is to try to catch yourself doing it and finding effective ways to redirect the brain's need for stimulation. Not always easy to do.
__________________
One day we will come to know the truth. This has been a test. Only a test.
If it were your real life, you would have gotten better instructions.


Never forget. "Normal" is just a setting on the washing machine.
Do you really want to be a setting on the washing machine?
If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-26-09, 03:59 PM
GetSet GetSet is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Brampton, Ontario
Posts: 41
Thanks: 12
Thanked 19 Times in 11 Posts
GetSet is on a distinguished road
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by cdub998 View Post
I was thinking about this last night. One thought that crashed into me last night was. What if I pick fights from time to time because of the stimulation to my brain. I know some ADD'ers seek stimulation. what if that is another outlet?
That's exactly how I am. People say I don't know when to stop. I just play devil's advocate to anything anyone says, just for the fun of it, I guess, I'm not really sure why at all...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-26-09, 04:17 PM
KFC in CA KFC in CA is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: pacific hwy
Posts: 283
Thanks: 43
Thanked 159 Times in 83 Posts
KFC in CA has a spectacular aura aboutKFC in CA has a spectacular aura about
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

My question to all:

Is it anger that fuels you... or the "stimulation"?


I can debate, argue, whatever. As long as I'm not angry, I can control what I say and I can disengage. Once I am angry and sucked into an argument, I don't care if it takes a month, I *will have the last word*!! Heh, I say sucked, because I really try to avoid arguing when I'm mad for this reason. Angry, I can't disengage. I also can't sensor what I say, which can get a lot nastier than I'd ever intend.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to KFC in CA For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (02-26-09)
  #7  
Old 02-26-09, 04:27 PM
ADHDTigger's Avatar
ADHDTigger ADHDTigger is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7,024
Thanks: 27,689
Thanked 13,633 Times in 5,040 Posts
ADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by KFC in CA View Post
My question to all:

Is it anger that fuels you... or the "stimulation"?


I can debate, argue, whatever. As long as I'm not angry, I can disengage. Once I am angry and sucked into an argument, I don't care if it takes a month, I *will have the last word*!! Heh, I say sucked, because I really try to avoid arguing when I'm mad for this reason. Angry, I can't disengage. I also can't sensor what I say, which can get a lot nastier than I'd ever intend.
EXACTLY!!! We are twins! You just described me perfectly!

I try really hard to stay out of the anger zone because once I'm there, I can be absolutely deadly. But I tend to think that it isn't anger- or at least it isn't some of the time. The reason I say that is because just a little bit of Adderall and I am not so mad any more.

The kick is that if I truly am angry, there is not a force on the earth that can stop me and woe betide you if I am angry at you. Adderall won't touch it. My partner has learned that making me justifiably mad is a losing game.
__________________
One day we will come to know the truth. This has been a test. Only a test.
If it were your real life, you would have gotten better instructions.


Never forget. "Normal" is just a setting on the washing machine.
Do you really want to be a setting on the washing machine?
If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ADHDTigger For This Useful Post:
RedHairedWitch (02-26-09)
  #8  
Old 02-26-09, 04:34 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,024
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,506
Thanked 8,303 Times in 2,790 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

My Mom is ADHD with a big H and she will hyperfocus on something so much its drives her nuts, she feels she HAS to say something. Over and over and over again, constantly re-starting the same argument.

I am less interested in conflict (more inattentive) and would rather go ride my bike down a steep hill for stimulation, and I don't hyper focus on negative stuff as badly as she does.
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
kwalk (02-26-09), oddjobace (02-26-09), somuchbetter (02-26-09)
  #9  
Old 02-26-09, 04:55 PM
Grafter's Avatar
Grafter Grafter is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 2,469
Blog Entries: 2
Thanks: 1,287
Thanked 1,558 Times in 770 Posts
Grafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant futureGrafter has a brilliant future
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADHDTigger View Post
I try really hard to stay out of the anger zone because once I'm there, I can be absolutely deadly.
This has been my experience as well. However, controlling it (most of the time) has been a difficult and slow task. It takes EXTREME DILIGENCE to get to a point where you (an ADD'r) default to a self-monitoring state.

At this point, I know the times (first 30-40 minutes after I get up & sometimes at the end of a hard day) when I am most susceptible to becoming angry. At these times I work on a kind of auto-pilot... trying to maintain a dull personality. My wife is also aware of these times, and (mostly) respects that. She (mostly) respects when I state "Not now" also.

When I first read about the "stimulating" aspects of arguing I identified with it instantly. Most of the time, when I am getting in that argumentative mood, or zone, I can also, literally, feel that stimulation occurring.

That has now become a personal trigger to back up and think about what's happening.

The point is this, that "stimulation seeking" argumentative behavior is NOT something that can't be overcome. If we are "seeking" stimulation, there are much better ways of doing it. But it takes hard work and commitment from both partners to make it through. If my NT partner has decided that she WANTS to get under my skin for something... Again, I have to try to determine intent on her side as well. Is it me, her, what do I need to do here?

On a side note, there are also downsides to over self-monitoring... paralysis by analysis. It usually rears it's presence in a discussion where the NT'r finally blurts out "Why don't you just answer?" or something along those lines. Often, I've run the gamut on a statement, never said a word, and she is off onto something else. 20 minutes later, we're arguing about EVERYTHING and totally forgotten the original issue. Eh, another thread I guess.
__________________
Bored by the mundane, fascinated by the challenging, & completely mesmerized by the impossible.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Grafter For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (02-26-09)
  #10  
Old 02-26-09, 05:13 PM
kwalk's Avatar
kwalk kwalk is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 1,727
Thanks: 892
Thanked 682 Times in 433 Posts
kwalk is a glorious beacon of lightkwalk is a glorious beacon of lightkwalk is a glorious beacon of lightkwalk is a glorious beacon of lightkwalk is a glorious beacon of light
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Red haired that's my mom to a T. I'm probably like you haha and when I do get really angry it can be about something stupid and all of a sudden i'm talking a thousand words per a minute. then that minute is over and a new subject starts. But man I can't stand my mom, as well as her argueing with my bipolar/adhd sister whose voice is like scraping nails on a chalk board. Every second she gets she spends picking on someone in the house or her dirty house she never cleaans, and who knows what next subject she'll have.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kwalk For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (02-26-09), RedHairedWitch (02-26-09)
  #11  
Old 02-26-09, 09:47 PM
somuchbetter's Avatar
somuchbetter somuchbetter is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 219
Thanks: 94
Thanked 76 Times in 59 Posts
somuchbetter will become famous soon enough
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

In one sense however, this can be a good thing. I like to debate , not argue. Before, I would just keep my mouth shut and not give two cents because I'd be afraid my argument wasn't pieced together correctly. But now, I can keep my thoughts collected and put in a point that I would not have before because of my "stuttering" or insecurities. So I seem more argumentative than before, but I would like to say that I speak my mind a little better.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-26-09, 11:00 PM
kettish's Avatar
kettish kettish is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NC/GA, USA
Posts: 340
Blog Entries: 39
Thanks: 107
Thanked 195 Times in 93 Posts
kettish will become famous soon enough
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

somuchbetter, I'm with you on that. I used to just sort of let people do/say whatever and I'd retreat if I didn't want it. Lol.

I'm actually MORE aggressive now that I'm on adderall. The thing I've learned though is that before, I was having trouble 'activating' enough to do much, and the way I was handling my anger was to stay as firmly planted in that deactivation mode as possible. This wasn't healthy or productive, naturally, but I was so afraid of saying something wrong that I didn't care.

Now I find that when I get angry, I really want to say something about it!!! I'll try and get DH go argue with me (mostly so I can figure out what's wrong and then fix it, as the man is the WORST about letting me know what he needs) but sometimes I find myself taking it a little too far. At that point I go do something else, preferably outside the home, so I can rant and rave in the car to my little recorder and get it out of my system.

I reeeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyy need things resolved quickly though. By quickly I mean within a few hours if possible, but at the very least before bedtime. I can't sleep if whatever issue it is hasn't been resolved.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-26-09, 11:02 PM
QueensU_girl QueensU_girl is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Toronto Ontario canada
Posts: 5,089
Blog Entries: 3
Thanks: 559
Thanked 1,005 Times in 631 Posts
QueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant futureQueensU_girl has a brilliant future
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Dr. Daniel Amen says picking fights is a way for some people to get their "stimming".
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 02-26-09, 11:22 PM
oddjobace's Avatar
oddjobace oddjobace is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 461
Thanks: 46
Thanked 134 Times in 80 Posts
oddjobace has a spectacular aura aboutoddjobace has a spectacular aura about
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

yep, it is a way to get stimming. I think the biggest problems is that, like a mouse in a maze going for cheese and getting better and better at it, We may not even know we are doing it.
__________________
I will learn how to live until I don't live here anymore!

Perception is 9/10ths reality

Those who define others define themselves.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to oddjobace For This Useful Post:
RedHairedWitch (02-27-09)
  #15  
Old 02-26-09, 11:43 PM
Sieve's Avatar
Sieve Sieve is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: SF, CA
Posts: 10
Thanks: 4
Thanked 6 Times in 3 Posts
Sieve is on a distinguished road
Re: Picking Arguments because of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by oddjobace View Post
yep, it is a way to get stimming. I think the biggest problems is that, like a mouse in a maze going for cheese and getting better and better at it, We may not even know we are doing it.
No kidding.

I have just begun a mix of treatment for my ADHD (leaning towards hyperactivity) and my "stimming" from picking fights has gotten to be absolutely out of hand. I will casually pick a fight with my boyfriend so quickly, I don't even realize the words coming out of my mouth until I'm knee deep in a philosophical discussion about minutae regarding our relationship and how eternally dissatisfied/paranoid I am.

Unbelievable. It's unbelievable! I literally watch helplessly as the words drip from my tongue with so much venom I could strip walls. Afterwards, I feel satisfied. Like I am rewarded once the end of the argument is reached because I have exerted my energy, reached the stimulation I needed, and hammered out an issue that was on my mind as well. Of course, it leaves my Aspie boyfriend left feeling cold and as if I am a petulant brat.

I'm aware that it's an uphill battle but one that is fought diligently, but it sure makes the fighting extremely discouraging when you see yourself dismantling your relationships along the way.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Sieve For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (02-27-09), RedHairedWitch (02-27-09)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Incontinence and ADHD Mercury General ADD Talk 19 09-12-14 07:25 AM
More workingwith ADHD kids Dizfriz General Parenting Issues 7 03-02-09 06:57 PM
Patricia Gilbert?(Scattered please take a look) anamari ADD Publications, Audio & Video Tapes 5 07-29-08 02:51 PM
guidelines for successfully parenting adhd children gabriela General Parenting Issues 1 08-15-04 11:49 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:31 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2014 ADD Forums