What helps...

[cacaeb]

Hi-all-

I appreciate the input on what we can do as afmily with our multi-plex son.
I wanted to give as well as take.
I read somewhere on this board about the "rule of thirds" ( ADHD kids are generally 1/3 behind socially and emotionally) that's helped us, too.

We also copied Barkley's 10-points and posted it on the fridge, in the bathrooms- wherever we're likley to forget what Alex needs. I copied that list below.

Also, in case anybody is interested, I wrote an article on ADHD
for a local parenting paper -
http://www.metrokids.com/june07/specialkids0607.html

as well as an essay about life with our then-five year old:
you can access it through our (very nascent and ameteur) website here:
http://mysite.verizon.net/vzez55vl/id5.html

Hope some of this helps....
Best,Amy



From Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents (Revised) by Russell A. Barkley

Give more immediate feedback and consequences

Give him/her more frequent feedback

Use larger and more powerful consequences

Act, don’t yak

Plan ahead for problem situations

Keep a disability perspective

Don’t personalize his/her problems or disorder

Practice forgiveness

[cacaeb]

I posted and realized I'm not done with "what helps"!

-helping him break big tasks into do-able ones
"just the red legos" has become our mantra

-educating him about ADHD in an age-appropriate way

-schedule everything around meds, avoid doing anything at
5p because it's melt-down time. Like clockwork.

-he is creative, like so many ADHD kids. We try to give him outlets other than
screen time. Boxes become castles -well, for 10 minutes anyway. And he sets up in-house doggy day-care (we have to pay!).

-bored= trouble. He's painted the floor, covered the dogs in blue goo,
and "helped" with laundry. We're learning-slowly.

-we are fortuante that school staff, family, friends have shared their dx with him and helped him see folks with ADHD succeed.

-we have given up on birthday parties for now. We wanted to go, see the other parents, but he either tips over or isolates. It's not fair to him and for now, it's just aset-up.

-on bad days, we take charge- I need your eyes. just listen to mommy, here. put one sock on. good. Now another. (I cry later)

-this is obvious to most, but we learned it late: warnings about transitions and allowing time for the (inevitable) melt-down.

- teaching about differences. In his case, he's gifted and also has multiple dx. We try to point out our strengths and weakenesses (I can't read a map but do the empathy thing pretty well). We don't use ADHD as an excuse any more than we brag (or allow him to brag ) about his IQ.

-we try to put ourselves in time-out before we lose it. It's working about 1/2 the the time, but, hey, it's a start.

-therapy has helped us grieve the child we dreamed of. We're working on the acceptance thing. I still cry at the playground where eeryone looks so &^%$
normal. I know there's no normal- but, oh, to have a kid who sort of fits in for even a day..............

I may over-stay my welcome here It's good to be back where folks get it. Thanks for listening.

[Valerie3]

Reading your post made me feel less alone. It is so consoling to know that there are people out there who are struggling with exactly the same emotions and with the same behaviours ( or their kids and themselves.)

[cacaeb]

I was about to write the same thing about your reply to my
"family fun" post I see you're bit far for a play-date..!

I had forgotten about this board-was on when he was 3, then 5, and now again. The worst is to feel alone and overwhelmed.

Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone, too


Best,Amy

[Imnapl]

Originally Posted by cacaeb

-we are fortuante that school staff, family, friends have shared their dx with him and helped him see folks with ADHD succeed.

You posted lots of great ideas and this one really intrigues me.

[cacaeb]

now I'm the hyper-verbal one.. I've switched into positive mode and can remember what helps ..(doesn't mean much when he deliberately pees on the carpet or when his rages frighten the dogs -let alone his newest "trial friend")

What else helps:

I try very hard to remember that I love him. Sounds easier than it is- he can
be violent, cruel and downright unlikable. Yet, we went to extraordinary lengths to bring this child into the world - he is our son and we will not have another child. I can't yet see the "gift" but I do know that we are exactly the right parents for this boy. His challenges teach us so much -
about patience, humility, and how to channel our fury.

-His successes bring us overwhelming joy:when he approaches another kid
in a reasonably "normal" manner; when he tells us he likes his ADHD because it
"makes me run fast and have lots of good ideas"; when he can have a small conversation with us...

-We praise his "good recovery" when he moves from melt-down to on-task without too much angst...we remind him that ADHD does make some things harder for him, but he's smart, we love him, he can do it.

- We know we need help and our respective therapists help keep us (almost)sane. I think that our being in therapy also models for him that therapy is a good thing

- We advocate like crazy. We ask *him* what helps .
He can't yet tell teachers when he's being bullied, so we do. daily.
We call the school and ask for meetings before they can

- Reading everything we can on ADHD,etc helps us feel more in control, less
at the mercy of some unknown thing.

-Reminding him-and us- that ADHD is part of him but does not define him.
He's funny, sweet, loving, creative, an avid reader and an awesome Lego-builder. He can be remarkably gentle and empathic.

-He's trying so very, very hard. Sometimes he really is doing his best- and we need to notice that out loud.

- We try very hard to ignore the incessant chatter. Hard for me, especially.
I've finally learned that *he* doesn't need to go- I can choose to move to
a quieter space.


-we ,too, have lowered our expectations. At least in theory..it's a process, this grieving thing. With each new developmental stage our grief returns anew.

-we try very hard not to "forget". It's easy to get lulled into believing he's "like everyone else" when he's doing well for an hour or two. We try to embrace that-but if we let our guard down-and "forget'- we're again enraged when he acts like an ADHD kid (insert sound of smacking my forehead here)

- I treasure the snuggly, sweet, connective times- I never know if or when another one is coming. I've learned to stop everything if he's feelng connective and/or wants to talk. It's never, ever enough, but it's something to hold onto on those overwhelmingly awful days where we get nothing in return...

- I try to not look too far ahead. I'm not an "in the moment" person by nature, but I've learned that I can create unbearable -and unnecessary pain -when I go to the worst "what if" scenario.

- It helps to know that most times, he's doing his best and is just so unaware of what's in front of him- so engrossed in his fantasy-play or computer game... We've learned we never really have his attention unless we do the stop-I need your eyes thing (even then..)Too many "what-why are you angry with me" episodes taught us how much he missed, how often.

-We verbalize "you're off-task" every chance we can. Recently he caught himself and said-oh, sorry- i was off-task, mom. I wanted to throw him a parade.

- We cannot punish him for who he is, that which he can't control.
If we stand a chance of helping him become his own best, we damn well better start with modeling our own acceptance.

-what else helps? crying. writing. crying some more. having short-lived self-pity parties (never when he's here). working hard at not caring what
"they " think- but that's more about me than them.

-this board helps more than anything I've ever found. Thank you.

[MGDAD]

Thanks for sharing. Those are all great ideas. Those rage episodes can be tough. Good luck with everything.

[OnlyMe]

It's kind of funny that my best snuggly time with my ADHD daughter is in the morning when I take her the concerta, she likes to pretend to be all asleep and I give her a back rub and chat at her (she stays quiet, pretending to sleep). I get her best quiet time before she's had her meds. She's never been a snugglebug like her brothers, so I find it very precious. Your comment about taking the connecting times when they happen brought these times with her to mind.