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Old 03-25-09, 06:03 PM
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Unhappy not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

i'd like to clear up first that this is not a judgment towards others at all, by the way, since that everyone here who have been diagnosed with it truely have it and otherwise aren't stupid or lazy at all. (my dad also has it and i know he isn't stupid/lazy)

only recently diagnosed with inattentive ADD, and have been on a "theraputic" dose of ritalin for the past week but i haven't noticed too much of a difference...

***i'm sorry if this is a long rant, i'm just so frustrated over all this and i'd really like to know if any can relate or understand since so few people i know do.


but for me over the years i just always thought that my problems really stemmed from being lazy, not caring, and just overall being unintelligent.
this thoughts would build up slowly over time, beginning from when i would notice that other kids would always finish tests before i would, that others would always be paying attention in class while my mind would wander and i would stop taking notes, when i would stop paying attention to a conversation with someone despite trying hard (which would lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment), when i would be called on in class out of the blue and not be able to answer the teachers question, when finishing an assignment that i know is easy instead takes me hours, or even having convos online i take a bit longer to respond because i'll be doing other things at once (which also leads to feeling guilty), and the list goes on and on and on.

since my depression/bipolar and social anxiety would cause my low self-confidence and low self-esteem, i really just assume all of these attention problems were my fault. when i eventually caught on to how long this would go on i would end up feeling hopeless that i would do well on an assignment anyway which would cause me to procrastinate and end up not completing work or just "half-*****". i know it would come off as laziness too. i would just get comments from family like "you just have to shape up and get on track!" or "you're just being lazy, it's not that hard!" or eventually i would hear "i don't like saying this, but i'm disappointed in you". the last especially hurts, but i know they have given me so many chances and are understanding about my depression so i don't blame them for thinking that.

those comments would just make everything worse and now i have it ingrained in my head that i lack the ability to do well and to care about things enough. i was supposed to graduate high school two ****ing years ago but it's gotten to the point where i end up dropping or failing courses, and when i am doing the course the frustration over my problems is just so overwhelming that i end up not doing well.

even at school yesterday, when i got there i told my philosophy teacher i would write the test that was overdue just after studying for a few minutes. i wasn't doing well at the studying, as i just wasn't retaining the knowledge so i avoided confronting the teacher. i did and she said i can do it the next day (mind you she's given me so many chances) but told me to try to get done a 500-word assignment that was due two weeks ago. i sat there at the computer and in the 30-60 minutes, i barely got one paragraph written. my mind just would not stay on topic enough to make the connections needed to complete the assignment. i felt really bad about it and sulked as i left and avoided her. i just never know what to say anymore when people ask why i can't get work done. it's so embarrassing.

i used to sometimes believe it was my depression, but that has been okay for the past year or two. i'm trying really hard to motivate myself to do well by making goals for the coming years, but i still struggle so ******* much.

i feel really pathetic and hopeless to the point where i tell myself i have no excuses and that it's really my personality that is like this. in that thread "you know you have ADD when.." i relate to just about every single post to the point where laugh out loud, and i found that so thankful and comforting to know i'm not the only one, but i also feel like if others were able to pass grades, then move up and graduate college, then it must be much more thats wrong with me.


*sigh* done rant. betting not many read until this point haha.
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Old 03-25-09, 06:19 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

sorry if this seems like an overly negative post. i am not completely hopeless, in fact i am excited and hopeful on getting proper treatment and really want it to help.
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Old 03-25-09, 06:55 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

I think we've all felt the same way and had the same problems. I just got distracted and started staring out the window after writing the first sentence of this post! Also, I was about to go to the grocery store half an hour ago, made my list, put my shoes on and then got sidetracked. Since then I've started working on a new resume, then I wrote out half of an email to my doctor, and now here I am, posting on a message board. Didn't finish a thing.

If you are still having such a difficult time after taking Ritalin, maybe you need a higher dose, or a different medication. If you tell your doctor exactly what you posted here, I'm sure he/she will make a change.
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Old 03-26-09, 06:37 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

It made me cringe when my psychiatrist tried every stimulant on me and said I had a motivation problem. "most of you don't really have an attention deficit and it's more of the motivation." really that did not make sense to me because the symptoms of adhd and ADD are the classic signals and medication is suppose to help with the problems. I dont understand them at all and I can't believe we just let them tell us what is wrong with us and just hand us a pill without implying, o yea you're only ever going to pay attention when your interested and this pill is just to make you think it is working.
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Old 03-26-09, 07:10 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

I can't believe they don't test everyone as intensive as they did me. Hell they stuck me at the UGA Psychology department at the age of 6, let me play with toys and walked me around, talked to me off and on, had me do various worksheets/test that were academically based. I didn't really think I had it until I noticed medicine or not sometimes I still show symptoms like I won't shut the @#%#@ up at inappropriate times, and don't understand why others look at me with anger. What can I say, it's real, but it's definatly over diagnosed thanks to the symptoms sounding so similar to those of someone just simply feeling fatigued or unmotivated.

Good news is those, you can get stimulant medications for Off-label uses so who knows right.
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Old 03-26-09, 07:42 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tylerlee17 View Post
I can't believe they don't test everyone as intensive as they did me. Hell they stuck me at the UGA Psychology department at the age of 6, let me play with toys and walked me around, talked to me off and on, had me do various worksheets/test that were academically based. I didn't really think I had it until I noticed medicine or not sometimes I still show symptoms like I won't shut the @#%#@ up at inappropriate times, and don't understand why others look at me with anger. What can I say, it's real, but it's definatly over diagnosed thanks to the symptoms sounding so similar to those of someone just simply feeling fatigued or unmotivated.

Good news is those, you can get stimulant medications for Off-label uses so who knows right.
i wish i could have! since it would not be covered by insurance like my psychiatrist is, it would have to cost $400 for a psycho-educational assessment. :/ i still really want to get one because i think it would help a ton to get a detailed breakdown of my symptoms and problems, and figure out the best treatment. hopefully the meds help, and if not then maybe it would be best for me to put off saving for school and getting this sorted out first.
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Old 03-26-09, 07:45 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dissolved girl View Post

but for me over the years i just always thought that my problems really stemmed from being lazy, not caring, and just overall being unintelligent.
this thoughts would build up slowly over time, beginning from when i would notice that other kids would always finish tests before i would, that others would always be paying attention in class while my mind would wander and i would stop taking notes, when i would stop paying attention to a conversation with someone despite trying hard (which would lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment), when i would be called on in class out of the blue and not be able to answer the teachers question, when finishing an assignment that i know is easy instead takes me hours, or even having convos online i take a bit longer to respond because i'll be doing other things at once (which also leads to feeling guilty), and the list goes on and on and on.

since my depression/bipolar and social anxiety would cause my low self-confidence and low self-esteem, i really just assume all of these attention problems were my fault. when i eventually caught on to how long this would go on i would end up feeling hopeless that i would do well on an assignment anyway which would cause me to procrastinate and end up not completing work or just "half-*****". i know it would come off as laziness too. i would just get comments from family like "you just have to shape up and get on track!" or "you're just being lazy, it's not that hard!" or eventually i would hear "i don't like saying this, but i'm disappointed in you". the last especially hurts, but i know they have given me so many chances and are understanding about my depression so i don't blame them for thinking that.

those comments would just make everything worse and now i have it ingrained in my head that i lack the ability to do well and to care about things enough. i was supposed to graduate high school two ****ing years ago but it's gotten to the point where i end up dropping or failing courses, and when i am doing the course the frustration over my problems is just so overwhelming that i end up not doing well.

Quote:
i feel really pathetic and hopeless to the point where i tell myself i have no excuses and that it's really my personality that is like this. in that thread "you know you have ADD when.." i relate to just about every single post to the point where laugh out loud, and i found that so thankful and comforting to know i'm not the only one, but i also feel like if others were able to pass grades, then move up and graduate college, then it must be much more thats wrong with me.
Wow.

I feel like you just described... well, me. Honestly, I'm tearing up right now, because these are the feelings that I've been stuffing down, cramming them deeper and deeper inside in hopes of somehow 'forgetting' them, like I do with everything else.

Like the other pain that's been pushed so far away, the other feelings/memories/thoughts that are buried but rotting, festering, and building up, these feelings and thoughts dance in the shadows of my mind. Sometimes they start to seep out into the light, but I always force them back because I'm scared that if I let them out, every single thing that's buried will unearth itself as well. And that's a lot to unearth.

You described your feelings in your post in a way that makes me feel like you brought them out of the chaos in the shadows for me, so I can see them and feel them and acknowledge them, and just them, for now. Thank you.

I'm sorry I can't offer any helpful words or advice for you. But I hope that knowing you're not alone in this battle will somehow touch you, encourage you, or maybe simply occupy your thoughts for a few moments and offer your mind a brief break from your struggles...

And I'm sorry this is such a nutty post! Lol.
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Old 03-26-09, 08:06 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by elegy View Post
Wow.

I feel like you just described... well, me. Honestly, I'm tearing up right now, because these are the feelings that I've been stuffing down, cramming them deeper and deeper inside in hopes of somehow 'forgetting' them, like I do with everything else.

Like the other pain that's been pushed so far away, the other feelings/memories/thoughts that are buried but rotting, festering, and building up, these feelings and thoughts dance in the shadows of my mind. Sometimes they start to seep out into the light, but I always force them back because I'm scared that if I let them out, every single thing that's buried will unearth itself as well. And that's a lot to unearth.

You described your feelings in your post in a way that makes me feel like you brought them out of the chaos in the shadows for me, so I can see them and feel them and acknowledge them, and just them, for now. Thank you.

I'm sorry I can't offer any helpful words or advice for you. But I hope that knowing you're not alone in this battle will somehow touch you, encourage you, or maybe simply occupy your thoughts for a few moments and offer your mind a brief break from your struggles...

And I'm sorry this is such a nutty post! Lol.
that's okay we are all a bit nutty! some of us more than others :P.
and it is comforting to hear that i am not alone in this, thank you for that. =)
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Old 03-27-09, 06:45 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Hang in there, I'm new to this too and I am having many of the same feelings, except while I managed to eek out a 2.0 in 4 years of High School, I've been a college student now for 8 years and have successfully completed only 2-2.5 years of work. I haven't been diagnosed yet, well kinda, I was as a kid... but I am seeking help, Ironically I discovered this problem because i thought I might have a brain tumor or early alzhiemers or something, and it turns out that my General Practioner has ADD! so I told him my story and he looked right in my eyes and said he understood, and then told me about his troubles in school... we were almost exactly parrallel..

I think the most important thing to remember here is you are NOT stupid or lazy, your different. Up to this point in your life Everyone was trying to teach you how to do things THIER way, now you get to learn how to do them YOUR way. I'd equate it to going to a class where everyone spoke a diffent language from you, would you feel stupid then? or would you recognize that you need to learn in your own language?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dissolved girl View Post
even at school yesterday, when i got there i told my philosophy teacher i would write the test that was overdue just after studying for a few minutes. i wasn't doing well at the studying, as i just wasn't retaining the knowledge so i avoided confronting the teacher. i did and she said i can do it the next day (mind you she's given me so many chances) but told me to try to get done a 500-word assignment that was due two weeks ago. i sat there at the computer and in the 30-60 minutes, i barely got one paragraph written. my mind just would not stay on topic enough to make the connections needed to complete the assignment. i felt really bad about it and sulked as i left and avoided her. i just never know what to say anymore when people ask why i can't get work done. it's so embarrassing.
I can relate! I once spent 3 hours sitting at my desk writing an essay, When I took a look at what I had written, It was just a single sentance! one sentance! and it wasn't even mine! I had written a line from a book I had finished reading a few days before....

So after 3 hours of hard dedicated work, this was my Essay:

The man in black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed.

WTF is that!! seriously!! I felt like crying, I got angry, I threw things..

I hope you can realize it's not that your dumb, your just different from others, in some ways you may even find it a good thing.
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Old 03-27-09, 09:27 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Dead Steam is very wise! (I amused myself with that sentence It sounds funny when taken out of context.)

It is very true the you are merely different. You - we all think differently than others. That is perfectly acceptable, because if we were all the same, I would be bored to tears! It does not make you lazy or stupid, but it does make life hard when you work in a different way than the majority.

I would suggest that you take a moment and try to look at the big picture. Try to see yourself as you might look at others. What kind of person are you? If you are lazy, you will not be trying. You will not really care if you fail or succeed. If you are selfish, it doesnt bother you when others are inconvenienced by your actions. You will take advantage of others with no concern for their feelings.

Is that how you are? I have to say that from the small amount I have read about you, you do not seem to be a bad person at all. You expressed concern that others might feel let down. You say you want to be succesful and you try to take advantage of opportunities offered to you.

I have spent most of my life sure that I was a bad person. It is an easy assumption to make, because I would say "I know what to do, but since I do not do it, I must not be trying hard enough." I was totally selling myself short, because I didnt consider that maybe I couldnt do somethings. Just because they seem easy does not mena they are for everyone.

I will always have to remind myself of all of that stuff I rambled on about above. If you keep reading on here, you should be able to understand better what you are dealinfg with and how to work to your strengths and minimize your weaknesses. You should feel better and better about who you are as an individual.

Enjoy the excitement that comes with discovering all of this! Thank you for sharing your story
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Old 03-27-09, 11:35 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

thanks DeadStream and LostInTheStars, you're posts were very helpful it's good to hear i'm not alone
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Old 08-20-09, 01:22 PM
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Re: not ADD-i, instead just feeling stupid and lazy. anyone relate?

Dissolved Girl, that was really good, you have managed to put my emotions into words too! Have you ever thought of writing a blog? I would follow/subscribe to it in a second!
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