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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 05-23-09, 11:53 PM
ADDnBeyond ADDnBeyond is offline
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Back & Forth Relationships? This is Crazy!

Hi all,

I kinda new here. I've been reading lots of posts and I can identify with so many of the things people have talked about so I figured I'd put up my own post in case someone can relate! First off, just to be clear, I'm a woman who dates women. I just figured I'd clear that up so ppl don't say "huh" when they read female pronouns in this post

Ok so I was with my ex on and off for about 1 year and 1/2. We had MASSIVE problems for several reasons. For one, she was the first girl who really loved me and was very serious about me (she wanted to marry me) and I was actually overwhelmed by that. For another, we fought often and I do believe she has borderline personality disorder (among other things) but I never told her that and she refuses to go to therapy. We also fought b/c I would feel one way about her and then get scared/freaked out/overwhelmed or claustrohpic and say I wanted to break up.

After having been BFFs for several months, we tried to date about 4 times. It never worked and it was terribly painful for both of us. Finally, I said we just had to stop for good b/c it was killing both of us. 6 mths later I miss her a lot and I'm just starting to sort through the wreckage that was our relationship.

In the meantime, I have started dating someone else (3 mths now). In the beginning it was great. I really felt like she was good for me (she's very grounded, stable etc.) but after about 5 or 6 weeks, I started feeling turned off by her. Her personality would annoy me, I would get tired of her after short periods of time, I started losing interest in the sex etc. So I would talk to her about breaking up- but I could never go through with it. As soon as we would start to talk about it, I would change my mind. I would feel sad thinking about leaving her and she would get very sad as well. I would decide that we could work it out. However, within a few days, I would feel tired of her again.

We have done this 3 times now. It is starting to reek of my last relationship. However, on the 3rd time, we decided we won't see each other as much or accompany each other to big events (i.e. she has repeatedly invited me to weddings and I have said no). But I still feel suffocated. I have read several posts and learned that other ADDers can feel suffocated by relationships/intimacy/touch etc (esp if they are also hypersensitive) but I haven't read anything about someone literally changing how they feel every few days. This is totally crazy and it makes me feel like s*it. Has anyone else gone through this? Any idea why? I just want to have a normal relationship!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post!!!
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Old 05-25-09, 01:18 PM
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Brain Control Brain Control is offline
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Re: Back & Forth Relationships? This is Crazy!

A typical problem for those of us living with add is seeking out stimulating circumstances. And one of the most stimulating things we can do is start a new relationship. Therein lies the problem, after 3 months... it's not new. We get bored. We all deal with it in different ways, but it seems to me that once we get bored, it's over.

There are, of course, different issues at play in every situation, but I think that's the BIGGIE ! !

I know that my biggest problem is that I seem attracted to angry women. Nothing more stimulating than someone who's seriously p***ed off about something I have no control over. Dysfunction is stimulating in an unhealthy way and by contrast, a healthy relationship would probably seem boring. I, of course, wouldn't know because I've never been in one.

Someday, I'd like to try it.... If I can figure out this whole boredom thing.

Sorry that I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that your not alone in this frustration.
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Old 05-26-09, 12:12 AM
ADDMagnet ADDMagnet is offline
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Re: Back & Forth Relationships? This is Crazy!

Have you ever considered the possibility that you might have borderline personality disorder (this doesn't preclude the possibility that your first love may have had it also)?

My husband and both of my children, an adult daughter and a teenage son, recently diagnosed, all have BPD. And all four of us have ADHD.

The constant flip-flopping of your feelings can be a symptom of BPD. That's what came to my mind when reading your post. I have also learned that just as ADHD comes in many types and forms and can look quite differently in different personalities, the same can be said for BPD. My husband and daughter are very different even though they both have BPD. Some well known people who are believed to have had BPD include Joan Crawford, Marilyn Monroe, Anna Nicole Smith and Princess Diana. Anna Nicole Smith and Princess Diana are certainly polar opposites in many ways yet they both fit the criteria and symptoms for the disorder.

For further information I would recommend checking out the website www.bpddemystified.com There are a lot of sites out there but some have a rather negative slant to them or a lot of misinformation. This one is one of the better ones.

That's just my two cents. I mean no offense at the suggestion--I don't view the disorder as an actual personality disorder, nor does our doctor. I have two friends with the disorder and I understand a lot about it.

ADDMagnet
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Old 05-26-09, 01:10 PM
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Re: Back & Forth Relationships? This is Crazy!

Thanks for the responses, guys! I know I have an issue with boredom b/c I seem to just lose interest. The thing about me is that its not after 3 mths or a yr or 2 yrs. I seem to lose interest after just a few weeks so it makes it REALLY hard to decipher what is going on. My friends will say they are just not the right person for me but I seem to do that w/ everyone!

Magnet, I am not offended at all. As a matter of fact, I went and researched BPD (for the thousandth time lol) right after I made this post and it finally struck a chord with me. My dr. had mentioned a little while back that I had features of BPD b/c I seemed to see some ppl as all good or all bad but I don't seem to have a lot of the other symptoms so I never really looked into it.

However, now I am more open to it and it seems kinda obvious that this is prob it. I have struggled with this issue now for almost 2 yrs so I dk why my dr. didn't suggest that it could be related to BPD. When I look at the list of symptoms, I mostly can't relate to them but the ones I can relate to are right on. I think its partially related to add as well but the constant chagning of feelings is pretty suspect... I think I have my answer now
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Old 07-26-09, 01:56 AM
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Re: Back & Forth Relationships? This is Crazy!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brain Control View Post
A typical problem for those of us living with add is seeking out stimulating circumstances. And one of the most stimulating things we can do is start a new relationship. Therein lies the problem, after 3 months... it's not new. We get bored. We all deal with it in different ways, but it seems to me that once we get bored, it's over.

yeah you need to find a deeper meaning and stop seeking excitement.

just learn to relax and take it as it comes, this applies to many things in life. you can't control relationships, there is no right and wrong, you just do what you do they do what they do and hopefully good stuff happens in between.
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