Any help to make a decision urgently required

[MakeItBetter]

I have been with my current partner for 6 months now, we had been seeing each other 6 months prior, so in total I have known him for 12 months. I fell in love with him not knowing that he has ADHD until he admitted it just before we made our r/ship official. I was already in love with him and didn't want to lose him so I stayed and promised him that I would always be there for him.

At the time I was not aware of what ADHD was. Really thought it was just him being hyperactive and losing focus every now and then. I guess there's a lot more to it.

He's such a beautiful person, affectionate, passionate, gentle and excellent in networking/social situations. He is also such an intelligent and a very educated man, which I really adore. He's into his fitness, an excellent and patient fitness coach to others. We get along so well and we have spent great times together.

In the 6 months before we made our r/ship official there were a lot of ocassions where he would shut down and backed off everytime we made 2 steps forward to make it happen between us. He had been single for 4 years before that, so I thought he was just freaking out but I guess there were probably a lot more to it. Finally after a few ocassions where he had confused me, broke my heart, returned all my stuff in January 2009 he told me that he had always loved me and wanted to be with me. So we had a go.

Now we are in June 2009. I have finally met his parents, which he had been making huge deal out of, and that he said that he doesn't introduce every girlfriend to his parents. We had huge talk about we're we at and whether we can make this work. We both agreed that we have what it takes to make this work. He did mention though that a relationship with him will be a hard one, that he doesnt deserve me and that he is 'incapable' to offer me what I deserve. I accepted these at the time as I really love him. I broke down and he made sure everything will be ok and he loves me too.

In the negative side, we have had many ups and downs. He shuts me down everytime I confront him with relationship issues, or any 'big' issues, especially when we're not face to face. Everytime he does this he would shut me down, i.e. wanting to get off the phone and will not make contact/refuse to make contact for a few days. This is happening right at this very moment.

We were talking fine on the phone on Tuesday until I confronted him about a comment an unknown female made that has made me a little jealous. I kept myself calm and it was just asking a question. I did not accuse him or being rude at all. He shut down and told me that he wanted to get off the phone. I asked him if he had intentions to cheat on me or whether I was just being silly - he said in one word answers "no" and "yes" respectively. Then he said "Can I get off the phone now, I'm tired and don't have anything else to add".

I tried ringing him again the next day, he was very cold and said he didn't really want to speak to me. I asked if we can sort this out and if I can call him later (he was at work) and he said he would call me. He sounded very cold, disrespectful of my feelings and I told him he was hurting me. It's Thursday now and he hasn't called me...

I KNOW that this is not the first time he has done this to me, I had quickly forgiven him in the past as I knew he was terribly sorry for hurting me again and again. I don't know what to do!! To a non ADHD person, I guess he was just being selfish and inconsiderate but I know he has an issue but I am not sure where to draw the line. Can I offer him help? Should I do it back to him by ignoring his phone calls and call it off? PLEASE HELP ME TO LET ME KNOW THE BEST WAY TO APPROACH HIM WITHOUT HIM SHUTTING ME DOWN AGAIN. Thanks :-)

[livinginchaos]

Talk to him and ask him what is the best way to approach him when he shuts down. He should know better than any of us.

Ask him what you can do to help him. Open the lines of communication.

[MakeItBetter]

Thanks for that Living in Chaos, I have tried so hard for him to open up but like I mentioned he has refused to speak and communicate.
Being a non ADDer I don't know where to draw the line as non ADDer would just respond and get on with it. He's in mid - 30's too so I would expect some maturity.. however he seems to be acting like a child and I am hurting in the process

[Elisabeth]

Hi There,

Your story of getting together sounds very similar to mine. I had known my boyfriend about 18 months before we got together and when we did get together, he had just been diagnosed. He was diagnosed last October so this is all very new for me and the both of us. Like you, he had exhibited behaviours that I questioned inwardly (like cutting me off mid-sentence....and I would be thinking "Am I that boring?") but other behaviours told me he was a generous, kind-hearted man and not to judge him on those "oddities" alone (sorry for the poor choice in adjective there).

The reason my boyfriend sought diagnosis was that he knew he had an issue with relationships. He never knew why but he was nearly 32 and knew he needed to get to the bottom of why he just kept moving on. In his words, he liked the chase but as soon as a girl said she was interested back, he wanted to move on. He said he felt like he had to always lookout for something better or felt like he would miss out if he stayed with someone. So he actively went to a psyche to try and get to the bottom of it. And ADD was diagnosed.

He also knew that there was something special with us and he didn't want to treat me like he had other women but it was also important for him to know that it wasn't just a case of "she is the first girl I have seen since I have been on my meds so I must be with her." We too talked about it and decided we had what it took to work through this and keep working at it together for the rest of our lives (this is the man I will marry). Mind you - all this happened over two different countries...he had moved to Japan for work and I was still in Australia.

We got to the bottom of his symptoms, how it affected his life with work, social situations, everyday living, me and us....everything. We got to know what situations cause him stress and bring the symptoms out more and how the meds would work. We also talked about me and things I suffer from and how we can work together on both his ADD and my anxiety. It is important to acknowledge that we all bring different matters to the table in any relationship - whether it is something like ADD, or anxiety, or emotional baggage. You can't just assume you are just dealing with the other person's ADD. We also talked about his past relationships - which is hard to do any in relationship - as well as mine. But for him it was especially painful, facing up to how badly he had treated some girls before me. He said that one thing with starting his medication was then coming to the realisation of how his past behaviour had affected those around him - from family to friends to lovers and girlfriends. He was previously married, and in the end, although they both now know they were not right for each other anyway, a big factor in not being able to work through it was the undiagnosed ADD.

Even now, things still crop up from the past - and damn Facebook is a good example of that! One of his strongest symptoms is not wanting to hurt or let anyone down and is very placatory....which means he has something like 1300 friends on facebook because whether he knows someone or not, if they have requested his friendship, he says yes! The thing is, we both have open access to each other's emails, facebook, bank accounts etc, which was a huge thing for him because in the past, yes he used to juggle his girls and so therefore was probably sneaky and secretive around them at times. So every now and then a comment will crop up from a girl I don't know and it used to beg the question....who and why? He would very openly tell me who and whether it was someone he dated or not, but I learned to let this go because I knew (because he told me) that for him he was so embarrassed by how he had treated people that he thought if I knew I would not want to be with him and it was painful for him to think about his past actions. He went through his FB and deleted a bunch of people...but not without a very worried look on his face and the question "Should I message them first and tell them I am deleting them?" It was heart wrenching.

My point is that maybe your boyfriend is going through something similar. The thing is you do need to have open lines of communication when living with/in love with an ADDer. Maybe he feels you will not like him if you know the truth, maybe it is too hurtful at the moment for him to think about. I am only guessing.

With my boyfriend, it helped him to realise that just about everybody at some stage treats someone else badly. I talked to him about my past relationships where I was definiitely badly behaved and when he said he still loved me despite some of my prevous actions, I pointed out that it worked the same for him. I reassured him that I loved him no matter what. The past is the past and that is where it will stay.

I hope this helps and can give you some insight into maybe what your boyfriend is going through.

[Annwn]

To give you a frame of reference, I am a 38 year old man, married faithfully to the same woman for 15.5 years. I am in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD.

Originally Posted by MakeItBetter

We were talking fine on the phone on Tuesday until I confronted him about a comment an unknown female made that has made me a little jealous. I kept myself calm and it was just asking a question. I did not accuse him or being rude at all. He shut down and told me that he wanted to get off the phone. I asked him if he had intentions to cheat on me or whether I was just being silly - he said in one word answers "no" and "yes" respectively. Then he said "Can I get off the phone now, I'm tired and don't have anything else to add".

I tried ringing him again the next day, he was very cold and said he didn't really want to speak to me. I asked if we can sort this out and if I can call him later (he was at work) and he said he would call me. He sounded very cold, disrespectful of my feelings and I told him he was hurting me. It's Thursday now and he hasn't called me...

I KNOW that this is not the first time he has done this to me, I had quickly forgiven him in the past as I knew he was terribly sorry for hurting me again and again. I don't know what to do!! To a non ADHD person, I guess he was just being selfish and inconsiderate but I know he has an issue but I am not sure where to draw the line. Can I offer him help? Should I do it back to him by ignoring his phone calls and call it off? PLEASE HELP ME TO LET ME KNOW THE BEST WAY TO APPROACH HIM WITHOUT HIM SHUTTING ME DOWN AGAIN. Thanks :-)

It sounds to me like you accused him of cheating - and let's be clear here, questioning a man the way you describe, based on the situation you described here is going to be taken as an accusation. Make that "baseless accusation" which says: "I don't trust you not to bed the first hussy that winks at you when I am not around".

I also think that if there had been more "evidence" that something might be amiss, you would be inclined to say so. You don't mention a pattern of unfaithfulness and you don't mention anything that *HE* did that would give a reasonable person cause to suspect cheating. Then you ask the question "Are you going to cheat on me, or am I silly?" Do you get how profoundly hurtful that was to him?

When I read it, I get the impression that you make moral judgments based on how you feel. Something happens, you get uncomfortable or your feelings get hurt and whether or not he did something objectively wrong, you seem to expect an apology based on your subjective experience of "feeling hurt".

The sense I get from this is that you hold him responsible for how you feel without any consideration of his actions. That sounds exhausting and incredibly frustrating. We need to be able to know, with certainty, how to do the right thing and how to please you.

You also list things he has said and done that seem to convey a real sense of intent to move forward and trust you. He is willing to make himself very vulnerable to you by introducing you to his parents. That takes a lot of trust and I think the "are you cheating?" incident made him question whether you trust him and whether you are afraid to make yourself vulnerable to him.

You then go on to talk about "relationship issues" without saying what they are. Since you do not mention abuse, substance abuse or cheating, I wonder what these issues are and why they need to be discussed at all.

In general, men do not "talk about the relationship". Honestly, we do not even know what that means. When we do things, we like to have an objective. When we know the objective, we know how to score. The most frustrating relationships for men are ones where we are never allowed to score so those "DTR" conversations make many men feel anxious and confused. We do not have the vaguest idea of the purpose or what we are supposed to do or how we can end the conversation without doing something wrong.

Making an average man do this over the phone is virtual torture and to an ADHD person, it much worse. From his perspective, he knows this is very important to you, he has no idea how to ensure a successful outcome and he knows that maintaining focus on this subject is going to be almost impossible and that if you catch him not paying attention, he is in big trouble so to him, he probably feels like he is being set up to fail on these calls.

Men are simple creatures. Keep us fed, take us to bed and don't mess with our head.

If you asked for my advice, I would tell you to stop with the "relationship" conversations, look at what he is DOING - that will tell you what you need to know. And keep the phone calls short and to the point like "meet you for dinner at 7pm, love you, bye". He clearly hates talking on the phone and he is unlikely to change just because you like to chat. If you want to have "relationship" conversations, go out with your girlfriends on a night he can watch football or something.

[MakeItBetter]

Hi Elisabeth

Thank you soo much for your post. I am so glad that I am not the only one. At this stage it is either me going or staying. I know he will shut me down constantly whenever he pleases. What I need to know is do ADDers are unable to control this?? I have read a few forums and it seems quite normal that ADDers tend to shut down when confronted with issues that are over whelming. Does your partner know the limit and does he do anything to help you through when he shuts down?
I just want him to be able to communicate and be open about it. A part of it could be being in denial.

What med does your partner take?? My boyfriend is currently taking dexies but I don't know if these actually help him control his emotions/temper?

[Driver]

Hello fellow Aussie.

I'm a male ADD'er, nearly the same age as your BF.

It sounds to me your BF is struggling with his emotions. This is typical for ADD'ers - we have poor emotional control.

He could also be suffering from low serotonin based depression - can he sleep all day given half the chance? When a person's serotonin is low, they lose all emotional resiliency. What that means is that very small things can set them off and they become overly emotional; this can last for days.

That said, not much is going to change if your BF doesn't want to.

When he has had a chance to calm down - no sense talking to him whilst he's angry and got his wall up - gently broach the subject with him that you'd appreciate it if the both of you could sit down and work out some issues in the relationship. Avoid accusative language (e.g., you do this, you make me feel, etc) lest he raise his defenses. He needs to be made aware that there is a problem, and that is easily fixed; he just needs to want to fix it, and know that you will be there to support him.

[MakeItBetter]

Hello there Annwn

Thanks for your post. I see an angle there I supposed I didn't see from my perspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I realised that he probably thought I was snooping on him or accusing him with no real reasons to back it up, and I did apologise to him straight away when he started acting cold. He didn't give me 'room' to make up for this, rather he shutted me down and that was the end of it.

He had made a few mistakes in the past, not relating to infidelity or anything related, for example he verbally abused me when we were away in the east coast. He was taking his frustration out on me, when he was actually angry at somebody else. It was very bad to the point where a security guard had to come up and knocked on our hotel room door. Since then he had apologised profoundly, and in the scene of my hysteria and sadness I sat and hugged him to calm him down. Things like this he does, and I ALWAYS forgive him right away because I love him. I told him that was not right thing to do and he understood.

I guess my point is that I am feeling quite insecure most of the time, as I don't get reassurance from him when I really need to. He agrees that I always make him secure and he will not ever need to worry about me. I planted that sense of trust and security so he's sorted.

I think the fact that he hasn't bothered making contact with me after a couple of days, knowing how hurting I am is wrong - in any relationships. I told him that he is hurting me last time we spoke and he didn't seem to care. What I would like to know is that, is this because he's got too much to process up there that he can't transpire to his actions too well...

I'd love to stay with him and support him, but it's not all about him, he needs to take considerations of my feelings too...

What are your thougths on this?

[MakeItBetter]

Hi Driver

it's great to know I am not alone and that I could speak to others about this!

Thanks for your useful response. Yes I think he might have that you mentioned! Little things set him off and he just thinks he has 'massive temper'. He definately doesn't keep calm in stressful situations and because I am the next person he's closest to, I usually get 'it' from him. I just thought this is a part of his personality. Like for example, myself I could sleep for ages and ages (thats why we got along too!) Guess this is where my problem is - I have difficulties differentiating personalities and ADD characteristics.

Maybe I should not try to make more contact? I suppose when he does make contact or calls he will be ready to talk. A lot of people say to ignore his calls and do what he does to me, but I see this other side that he has ADD and it may be just as hard for him.
Being an ADDer, do you take notice of other people's feelings? I have told BF that he is hurting me, but doesn't seem to care at this point. I just don't understand why he would say to me that he loves me , that we should be honest with each other and I'm his best friend - why do this to someone?

I really to make a decision to stay and go and I really don't wish to let him down as he said that he will be miserable without me.

Thanks again!!

[Elisabeth]

Hi There,

My boyfriend is on dex too and the only obvious side effects are physical over mental (insomnia, loss of appetite). They certainly don't affect his mood or temper. I guess with us, I am getting better and better at knowing when is the right time for these conversations and when to leave it alone. So being on the phone can be hard because you can't judge what kind of day he has had (no visual clues) and therefore whether he has the energy to have a serious conversation. I know my boy has days where concentrating on his job (doing stuff that for you and me is second nature) just tires him out so much he comes home and we go straight to bed. When my boy gets home, I know just by looking at him as to whether or not he is up for any serious conversation, whether he just need some alone down time, or whether he just needs a hug.

I have to disagree a little bit with Annwn as I think any couple should always be able to talk about their relationships. I know personally - just my own experience - that if there is an issue with the relationship, ADD-related or not, my boyfriend is the best person to talk it over with. Certainly there is nothing like the support from your girlfriends, but when sorting out any issue in a relationship, it is you and your partner that go through it - not you and your girlfriends. But Annwn is right that you need to look at the issues and have a think about whether they are issues at all. This is so hard to do...I know it!!...but to be a supportive partner, you really have to get your head around letting the small things go - like what I mentioned above. Seeing comments from a one night stand on his FB page and commenting on it, potentially really upsetting him or seeing those comments, just having a few deep breaths, repeating to myself "Let it go" and then spending time cuddling my boyfriend rather than arguing? I am not saying it is easy....sometimes when I am out jogging thinking about stuff that has upset me (past flings or not, I mean anything), I just have to repeat "Let it go, Let it go" over and over. Bit by bit it gets easier.

My boyfriend does not tend to shut down - quite the opposite because one of his major symptoms is anxiety over what other people are thinking or feeling (wanting to be placatory and not hurting anyone) so if he thinks there is something wrong, he has to get to the bottom of it then and there or it really eats at him. He has had one or two moments where he had shut down though. I know I need to give him his space and he usually tells me that too. So that's what I do. As to whether or not your boyf can control shutting down or not, I can't comment on that. I know in my experience my boyf and I work on managing certain behaviours. It doesn't mean they disappear but we know how to recognise things and manage them so neither of us blow anything out of proportion. But in saying that, nothing is perfect and we have our days when ADD gets the better of both of us and we have accepted this is how it will always be, we just manage it as we can.

I hope this helps. I can only give you my own experience to go by.

[MakeItBetter]

Hi Elisabeth,

Sharing experiences is great, everyone is different but it makes you think from different angles.

I know I would love to learn to be able to know when and how best to approach certain situations with my BF. Most of my friends with no experience with ADDers, often ask 'why is it all about him??', 'how about you??', 'it takes two'.
Do you feel like you are contributing more into the r/ship than your BF?
I feel like maybe my BF needs another medication or does anyone know if they are able to learn to control their emotions?? or is it simply just something they are born with?

I feel sorry for him as he has told me that he can't give me what I deserve and why someone like me would be with someone like him? He doesn't get it why I love him so much. In normal situations, one would ask 'well if you think you can't give, then think of ways where you can fulfil that... why so negative??' but I guess that sort of approach may not work in this instance.

Sometimes I feel like telling him to GROW UP and be a man.. !
Maybe I should tell him that I am doing all these research to make 'us' work so then he knows how much I'm willing to support him. Good idea maybe?

[Elisabeth]

Originally Posted by MakeItBetter

Most of my friends with no experience with ADDers, often ask 'why is it all about him??', 'how about you??', 'it takes two'.
Do you feel like you are contributing more into the r/ship than your BF?
I feel like maybe my BF needs another medication or does anyone know if they are able to learn to control their emotions?? or is it simply just something they are born with?

I have never thought we weren't anything but a partnership. We both work really hard at us and our lives and we are really proud of it too. So much so that we know our relationship is a lot more open and loving than many relationships around us that are ADD-free! It is hard to get these comments from your friends because they do not understand and maybe you can sit down with your friends and explain what ADD is and how it affects your boyfriend (if your boyfriend is happy with that). It sounds like your friends know he has it and it is important for you too that they understand. I know they are trying to help you, but these comments don't help because you can feel powerless when you hear them...because part of you might be saying "They're right" and you maybe you feel like you are trying to justify his behaviour. You don't need to justify anything, but maybe explaining what ADD is could help (just a suggestion).

I don't know about controlling emotions - I am only speculating but this to me seems more of a response to do with anger or frustration, resulting from the ADD rather than the ADD itself (I hope I just made sense then). So once he is more comfortable with his diagnosis, therapy, medication and has an understanding on how he can manage it, then I would think this would subside. It is so important for him to understand his symptoms, and what kind of systems he can implement to help him manage them.

Originally Posted by MakeItBetter

I feel sorry for him as he has told me that he can't give me what I deserve and why someone like me would be with someone like him? He doesn't get it why I love him so much. In normal situations, one would ask 'well if you think you can't give, then think of ways where you can fulfil that... why so negative??' but I guess that sort of approach may not work in this instance.

I know that conversation only too well and it is one we still have, and it still baffles me as to why he would say that, but I accept it is part of it and we deal with it. I find it usually happens when he has had a bit of a shake up or a bad day and feeling insecure himself. Because in his mind he is shaken up and nervous, and maybe can't structure his thoughts rationally at that point in time (he did actually mention something like this to me)...he never doubts I love him, he knows deep down I do, but at times like that, I need to give him reassurance that I do love him. If it has come up as a result of a mistake he felt he has made, I also tell him we all make mistakes and point out when I have made mistakes and how he still loves me and that helps. At Christmas time, I came to Japan to visit him briefly and left him with a whole diary of reasons I loved him...so when he felt unsure without me there, he could read them and feel reassured.

So you are right, you can't respond to those conversations negatively.


As you can probably tell, I am all for open communication. I told my boyfriend I had found these forums and when something is relevant to us, I tell him and we discuss it together. One thing we did when he was first diagnosed was look up ADD in wikipedia and go through all the symptoms of ADD and then work out which ones were his or not. I even did one of those ADD internet tests just to try and get an understanding and we went through my answers together. So on points when I had ticked my behaviour as "sometimes" or "hardly" he was able to say to me "Oh ok I ticked almost always for that one" just so I could get an idea of how strong these symptoms are for him. So if you feel comfortable doing this with your boyfriend then go for it.

[MakeItBetter]

I don't know about controlling emotions - I am only speculating but this to me seems more of a response to do with anger or frustration, resulting from the ADD rather than the ADD itself (I hope I just made sense then). So once he is more comfortable with his diagnosis, therapy, medication and has an understanding on how he can manage it, then I would think this would subside. It is so important for him to understand his symptoms, and what kind of systems he can implement to help him manage them.

I agree there about 'responses'. It could be one of personality traits (or not) that little things triggers his anger/frustration but yes the way he responded to things. Eventhough I was bothered about comment on his FB made by this unknown female creature, what bothered me more was how he responded to my query. In a 'normal' relationship, the common sense would reassure the other person that it's OK. I would do exactly the same thing so he won't get worried.

I know that conversation only too well and it is one we still have, and it still baffles me as to why he would say that, but I accept it is part of it and we deal with it. I find it usually happens when he has had a bit of a shake up or a bad day and feeling insecure himself. Because in his mind he is shaken up and nervous, and maybe can't structure his thoughts rationally at that point in time (he did actually mention something like this to me)...he never doubts I love him, he knows deep down I do, but at times like that, I need to give him reassurance that I do love him. If it has come up as a result of a mistake he felt he has made, I also tell him we all make mistakes and point out when I have made mistakes and how he still loves me and that helps.

Wow it seems like it's all the same but of course, its not. But how about you - what happens when you make mistake?? I always re assure him that I do love him, he makes me the happiest person when he does, but it seems that he leaves me no room to make mistakes.

I haven't actually told my BF that I have been on any of these forums.. maybe I should. I should be a little open to him that I am aware of his condition... he admitted that it is a type of a 'disability' whether it's perceived negatively/positively. This doesn't change my love for him however I need to ask him whether he wants to move fwd by understanding these a bit more. Wouldn't be right to say, that he needs to help me through this to? It's not all about him...

[Elisabeth]

I can only think that maybe your boyf thought you were attacking him somehow. I know this has happened with my boyf before. I have a very direct way of speaking and it has made for some interesting interaction between the two of us - he now knows not to be offended if I just call it like it is, but on the same token I am learning to tone it down a bit! It may be hard, but until you guys find your way together, you might just have to lay off on topics you know will upset him. You guys have to figure out a way you can talk to each other without him getting on the defensive....well without either of you doing that actually. Because you should be able to come to the point where if you did ask something, he can answer you or at least say he is not comfortable talking about it rather than shutting down.

In regards to me making mistakes, I take it a lot harder than my boyf. I tend to blame myself if something goes wrong because I think as the one without ADD, I should have forseen it coming or I should have been able to react differently. The main thing that we always tell ourselves and each other is that we will continue to make mistakes. All we can do is stick to our plan so we hopefully keep them to a minimum....but you have to expect the unexpected...

[Driver]

Originally Posted by MakeItBetter

Hi Driver

it's great to know I am not alone and that I could speak to others about this!

Thanks for your useful response. Yes I think he might have that you mentioned! Little things set him off and he just thinks he has 'massive temper'. He definately doesn't keep calm in stressful situations and because I am the next person he's closest to, I usually get 'it' from him. I just thought this is a part of his personality. Like for example, myself I could sleep for ages and ages (thats why we got along too!) Guess this is where my problem is - I have difficulties differentiating personalities and ADD characteristics.

Maybe I should not try to make more contact? I suppose when he does make contact or calls he will be ready to talk. A lot of people say to ignore his calls and do what he does to me, but I see this other side that he has ADD and it may be just as hard for him.
Being an ADDer, do you take notice of other people's feelings? I have told BF that he is hurting me, but doesn't seem to care at this point. I just don't understand why he would say to me that he loves me , that we should be honest with each other and I'm his best friend - why do this to someone?

I really to make a decision to stay and go and I really don't wish to let him down as he said that he will be miserable without me.

Thanks again!!

ADD can shape a person's personality, but it hardly infests it - you can separate to the two. But taking out your anger on others is definitely not an ADD'ism.

When he's ready to talk, he'll talk. Don't push, or he'll keep closed. You have to wait for the turtle to come out of his shell.

Notice the feelings of others? Yes, I notice them too well. I cannot be in the same room as someone whose agitated, it makes my skin crawl. What happens though with ADD'ers is they get overwhelmed by all the stimulus and close up completely. When this happens with ya BF, your best option is to let him have a timeout.

Be careful not to judge your BF from your perceptions: easier said than done, I know. I can see you making assumptions based on the way your brain works, but his doesn't work in the same way.

Now as for the answer to the ultimate question: well, we can't give that to you. It's your decision to make. You have to decide if you can take him the way he is, and if the way he is, is the way he wants to be.