Confused....Last Chance Hotel. Do I leave or do I stay?

[confused.......]

My partner has ADHD - plus, I suspect a lot more...

Discussing issues in our relationship - what a task and an effort!

Problem is that I try to discuss issues with him, he tends to have a panic attack which can lead to anything from him attempting to climb out of loft windows and threatening to kill himself, to him ranting and raving about anything and everything and saying "Oh, I am packing my bags" - to the extent that the initial thing I tried to discuss with him, get's left untouched as I often tend to walk away to avoid any negative response to his outbursts. Then on other occasions, I tend not to discuss it at all due to fear of this very same reaction. It is a dead end street as far as I can see due to this. It was me who pointed out that something was up, his family and friends swore blind that I was the issue and not him. Well he has just recently been diagnosed with adult ADHD. No one mentioned that he had suffered from ADHD as a child (not that it is an obligation to do so once you first start dating), but after dating for a long period of time, one would think that he alone would have said, if not appropriate for his parents to do so.

He states that we never talk, yet when I try to talk to him he goes off on one. This is the biggest contradiction in our relationship. He says that I dont talk to him so he goes on the net and finds strangers to talk to. There was even this one instance whereby he spoke to this stranger (female) and they took the conversation from the net, to msn and right to his phone in the space of 3 days. I found the texts on his phone as something told me to look, never done that before and dont intend on doing it again, unless the feeling crosses my path again. His excuse was that he wanted to talk, yet he deleted her text messages and left his messages because he knew what I would think. The messages he didnt delete suggested nothing towards the end that he was just talking about things on a general basis. He was looking else where. What makes it worse is that since being in this relationship, in the last three months, my health has taken a turn for the worst. I have now been diagnosed with a lifelong illness and feel that this is due to all the hell I have been through recently in this relationship.

His dad is another issue in this relationship. Very bitter and negative. He has suggested to me on a number of occasions that his father has suffered from exactly the same thing, but has not come outright and said the same. This element does not affect me as I have no relationship with his parents due to their lack of action in helping their son. As I am a parent too, I dont see how you could let your child suffer and not do anything, considering they used to live in the same house when I first met him. I noticed a problem immediately, as soon as I got to know my ??partner??.

Plus he is an excellent liar. He does it with finesse. It just makes me very alert and aware that this person is hiding a side to him that is potentially no good... It's like I can see the negativity in his eyes... I dunno.. clarification required please..

My partner also has a very very very vile mouth and has said things that really really hurt about my family and myself, when not justified. He blames this on ADHD - I dont buy it. ADHD does not allow someone to continuosly verbally abuse someone to the extent that he does.. I have drawed the line there.

He has just recently come off of his meds and is getting worse. Finally his parents have seen that there is something up, as a doctor diagnosed it, but me as the person living with him (??? dont know where this stands either) told them and they ignored. I think that they are enablers in this situation because he has been like this since (apparently) his last girlfriend who was apparently a demon in disguise. I dont know what to do nor what to believe when it comes out of his mouth to be honest. Feels like I can read him like a book sometimes. I can tell when he is about to have an outburst.. It normally takes a couple of weeks of him being fixated on housepricecrap.com which leads to an outburst on a daily basis for about 2 weeks and then the cycle begins again..

His mate has literally ripped apart our relationship with his odd demanding needs to be round the house every night smoking cannabis & his parents lack of action in helping their child is a shame and I dont think our relationship can recover to be honest. But to walk away is so hard and to stay, I fear, will kill me in the end..

This is the first time I have come across ADHD in any aspect of life.......
Although my bro is autistic, I saw many similarities in my partner as in my bro, which is also why I think he is suffering from a multitude of things, yet I am not qualified in that field, so no one listens to me..

Now he said he was coming to my house on Saturday, then changed that to Sunday, but then asked me "Is your daughter going to your mum's house?" When I said "No she isnt" I havent heard back since and it is Monday morning now. Tried to call him, email him and have heard nothing back from him..

I just feel like moving far far away and leaving the situation behind, yet something stops me... but it is getting to the point at which I need to consider the benefits of this relationship and my health alongside that of my child - as to be honest, feels like I have two children instead of the one that I bore... *sigh

No offense meant, any information from an outsider would be grately appreciated..To see it from another perspective is what I require... HELP!

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Sorry about the patch-like storyline, I just want to make sure I get it all on the page in order for people to give a full and fair view of the same.. Many thanks

[Driver]

Pack your bags and leave. The guy has issues and isn't ready for a relationship.

[confused.......]

Thanks for your response Driver.. Thing is - If I leave I feaer that it will haunt me, because I know I left because he has this illness.. I am not a shallow person as such and believe that everybody should be treated as equal..

Am I in denial? LOL

[Driver]

He's not taking responsibility for his actions: instead he's blaming his ADHD.

[confused.......]

I know. but when I am the only one stating this, it goes unheard. I also think the problem is that my family background is unstable and I had a very crappy crappy upbringing, yet I am ok. Successful (well I was until I met him - have been off sick from work for a very long while) and educated. I think they will not listen to me because they (he and his family) feel that they are better than me. I have come from the outside and have been the only one to speak out about this whole issue. I think they are the type of people who like to keep things under-wrap and completely ignore things even though blatantly in their faces. He is in danger of losing out on life due to the people who surround him - I have warned him about this potential outcome. How can people allow someone to suffer for so long and not do anything about it???? Until someone else says???? We are talking decades! Plus the lies he tells them (or should I say the way he tells his family and friends certain things to suit his beliefs) could also be contributing to how they perceive me and also why they take my views as nothing. His mate has apologised to him for the way he behaved towards the last part of 2008 with the obsessiveness of wanting to come round to "our" house almost everyday, but is yet to apologise to me. I dont expect anything else from any of them. I think I am on the verge of walking away from this whole thing and have finally come to accept it.. I cant do no more to help him - I have tried... I have honestly to god tried to help but to no avail. I have done more than my fair share for too long and for what? To be left in the lurch.. Nice very nice..

[Driver]

Why worry about what others think? Just live your own life.

[confused.......]

I know I shouldnt, and after I met them I didnt worry about what they thought as I know now what I didnt know back then.

[eleanorabernathy]

You need to take care of yourself, and get away from the situation. Some of the things you talk about I've experienced. It sounds like they won't listen to you. My family was like that--don't discuss your problems with anyone (including therapists).

One incident that just floored me concerned the brother of a guy I dated on and off for 7-8 years--in fact he just called me again yesterday morning --(probably bi-polar, suspected BPD) he was very verbally abusive and said things calculated to do the most harm. One time, his younger brother who was bi-polar was very depressed, had guns in the house, and his parents were afraid he was going to kill himself. I don't remember whether he had threatened to or not. I got information from my therapist on whom to call, and talked to my bf, and his parents were afraid any intervention would set him off, so they sat and did nothing. In the end, he was ok, but I couldn't believe his own parents wouldn't do anything to help.

My bf was always saying things to get me to stick around, he'd hinted at suicide before. Lying--when trying to get me back, he'd lie and say he found someone who was better than me, even said he was getting married once. A couple of times I'd mention it to his mother, and she wouldn't react. She told me once that when the boys turned 13, she stopped going into their rooms, and left them alone. And the bf always told me how his parents refused to get involved in his love life. I think his mother knew he had problems, but just stayed out of it.

Unfortunately, it took me 8 years, but I finally said enough. I'm a little paranoid, but I've kept some of his nasty emails and voice messages around, just in case, like if I ever need a restraining order, but luckily it hasn't come to that. He'd smoke pot and did other drugs (although that was more in the past) but he'd put me down for taking psych meds. I've thought what would happen if I left and he killed himself, but I keep telling myself I'm not responsible. I tried to help when I was with him and it would never make a difference. Nothing was ever going to change.

I still have problems myself, but I'm dealing with them, I don't need to take on someone else's problems when it wasn't a healthy loving relationship. I tend to be a caretaker, but there's a point when it isn't healthy caretaking, and it doesn't make the situation better, it only drags me down with them-- and I do feel guilty, but I have to be realistic about the situation. And I feel like I'm hard-hearted sometimes.

It sounds like he's not the father of your child? Personally, I'd want to keep my child out of the situation, too. I think if I'd had a child, I wouldn't put up with the ex's crap for so long.

I hope you can walk away without guilt--and take care of yourself and your child. Life is too short to deal with a situation like this.

[PedroDaGr8]

As someone with ADHD, he is using it as an excuse. I have said some vile things before, in the heat of the moment, but it sounds to me like he has MANY more problems than ADHD. The vile things and the fact he always OVERLY flips out sounds to me like he is manipulating you. He doesn't want to deal with the issues so freaking out allows him to avoid it and shift the focus elsewhere. This is MANIPULATION PLAIN AND SIMPLE. You need to get yourself and your child out of this, before he causes emotional harm to your child. He is NOT a stable person and you need to leave him.

[novagal]

I'm a little confused myself - is he an adult? I ask this because I see the responsibility for his actions not being put on him, but on his family and those around him. Even if his family was fully wanting to help him, the decision is ultimately up to him.

Adhd is not an excuse for habitual lying, verbal abuse, and emotionally blackmailing you, which is what he's doing with the suicide threats each time things get uncomfortable for him. And it's been working for him.

Something I work to keep in mind, is that what others think of me is none of my business. What his family thinks of you has everything to do with who they are, and very little to do with who you are. So to get caught up in that spin cycle will get you nowhere.

People will stay in situations like this because they're afraid they'll feel guilty for "abandoning" someone who needs help. I speak from past experience when I say that if I stay in a situation so I don't feel terrible and guilty, then I'm really staying in it to make myself feel better - I'm making it about me (which doesn't make it so selfless and honorable after all). So if the person isn't willing to take responsibility and doesn't want help, it's time for me to put my red cross nurse hat away and move on.

The rescuing role inevitably turns into the victim role, and as long as you continue to stay in the situation, you'll be a willing participant. Really, you can only do so much without starting to lose parts of yourself in the process.

[FinallyAnswered]

Originally Posted by confused.......

Thanks for your response Driver.. Thing is - If I leave I feaer that it will haunt me, because I know I left because he has this illness.. I am not a shallow person as such and believe that everybody should be treated as equal..

Am I in denial? LOL

Confused.....don't beat yourself down because you may leave out of self-preservation. It's noble that you care enough to write about this, but we all have our limits as to what we can take. It's not as if you're leaving someone who was just diagnosed with a fatal disease......psychological issues are a different beast and not many know how to deal with them.

You have your own life to lead and that should be your priority. You may not have been able to help him, but chances are no one could. Don't slam yourself for not playing the role of the martyr because we weren't put on this earth for that purpose. It's not as if he explained these issues to you on the first date and you said "Uh-uh....not dealing with this" and walked away. You have tried to work it out through logic and he's not responding. This is a two-way street and you're the only one who seems to be walking it.

Besides, it sounds to me as if ADD is the least of his problems. He needs help far beyond what you can or should be expected to provide. Take care of yourself and be content in the knowledge that you tried to help, but the offer was rejected.

Good luck.

[person2person]

walk away

[Qvrfullmidwife]

You are exposing your child to this?

Reread your post as if someone else wrote it...you'd be stunned that there is even a question.

[Michiko74]

The health and well being of your child should be the highest priority for you. You have to consider if that is possible in your current situation.

You should be an example to your partner, but it's quite clear that he's not ready to take responsiblity for himself. It may be the kindest thing to do is to leave.

And it's not your ADHD to manage, it's all his.