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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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Old 05-10-04, 04:48 PM
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Badriyah Badriyah is offline
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Child Custody /visitation and ADHD

Gonna try to make a long story short and just ask for opinions and so forth....

Im very scared.. I have a 7 year old son that is ADHD, he is on Adderall XR 30mil. He was diagnosed in Kindergarden and now is almost done with 2nd grade.

I have not ever been married to his father. I did have a paternaty test done when my son was 4mths old because I never wanted my son to dought me and I was tired of rumors that his father was spreading. I never went for child support however I did always make sure his father and there family know where we were, how to get ahold of us and if he ever wanted to see him we would work it out. His father called a total of about 5 times in 7 years. The paternal grandmother - I let see my son about once or twice a month. I let them know of the ADHD and the medication, gave them sites and info as best I could. The grandmother made things really hard and would not give the structure my son needed, she also did strange things like steal my mail and take him out of town with out telling me what she was doing. I was laid off after 6 years with a company and she started getting upset that I might put my son on Medicade for a few months. She did not want her child to have to pay child support. She would bring these issues up at inappropriate times etc.
Since I saw my son progressivly upset and having issues in school for days after seeing her and having several talks with her I had to stop contact. This insued SEVERAL threats from her and crazy letters and other things... I made sure his father had my number if he ever wanted to call. We have not heard from him in over a year.

The father has been forced to pay child support for the last 2 months and I get a notice that he is going for Joint custdy and to change our sons last name...

I am scared of the impact this will have on my child. IF he was really wanting to see our son and really cared I would be happy. But this is retaliation after years of threats if I went after child support. Last time I did let him go with him our child came back CRYING and hystarycal and it took days to undo what had been done. Then we hear nothing from him for a year.

DOes anyone have any advise? Anyone been through this???
Anytime my sons scedule and routine is jacked with he freaks out and we have just gotten where he is doing really good in school.. Im scared...

Thanks for reading my LONG post Holly
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Old 05-11-04, 09:48 AM
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He can't automatically get joint custody, can he? I think you need to write down everything you've told us here, and go talk to a lawyer. Legal Aid can help if you're short on funds. With the history of neglect, he is not going to look very good in court. What went on at the visit that upset your child so much? I think that needs to be brought to the court's attention too. You clearly know what's best for your child ... you just need someone on your side to help argue your case. If the authorities hear the whole story, this man is not going to win their sympathy.
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Old 05-11-04, 09:55 AM
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If you live in Missouri, here's a link to their legal aid offices:
http://www.mobar.org/legalser/offices.htm
(If you don't, let me know, and I'll look for a more relevant link!)
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Old 05-11-04, 10:22 AM
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Thanks for your responses. Im going to look into that site - Ive been calling around and it is close to $3500.00 for just a retianer for a lawyer and I have 25 days to get one and respond.
(Funny thing is, he hasent even paid close to that much in child support )
ANyway - to awnser your question,,, He hadnt seen Khristian (my son) in about 6 months and wanted to take him to chuckie cheeses and to the mall. I figured couldnt hurt right? SO that was fine. When he dropped him off found out that he took him and 4 of his friends to the mall and drug him around shopping for his friends wedding bachlor party stuff. (My son was 6) Took him to Spencers even (which is VERY close to being an adult sex shop with adult toys and such in there - nothing wrong with that but you dont take a 6 year old there - HELLO !) Then at the end of the day (after my son asking to come home ) he took him to chuckie cheese for 20 mins then said there were to many kids there and brought him home. I think my son was EXAUSTED and ignored at the mall , he was yelled at constantly to sit down with nothing to do while they shopped and then he was uposet that he couldnt even turn in his tickets at chukie cheese cause his dad didnt want to wait..
No it isnt backhanding him but you never see your kid and then you drag him to sit in the mall while you hang out with your friends ???? Thats spending time??
My son talked about it for weeks and how upset he was. He was soo agruvated the next few days and angry all around I kept him home from school.
Im 30 and his father is 3 years younger then me.

this is why Im scared - I m strong as we all have to be but I dont know if I can deal with that or if he can every other weekend.
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Old 05-11-04, 11:41 PM
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I'd say as the child's father he might be entitled to joint custody unless they can *prove* he's an unfit father (drugs, crime, or abuse). Most states now will allow for joint custody if there's no reason *not* to have joint custody. (Sadly, my state is not one of those... so in the state where I live, the mother gets custody 85% or more of the time regardless.)

Do you have a family court system? There's no reason to retain a lawyer right away if you do. You'd be better off going directly to the court, and petitioning them... sometimes bringing a lawyer onto the scene without going first to the family court (in my state, it's called FOC: Friend of the Court) will alienate you. In other words, try to resolve it informally before you go for formal mediation or a legal battle.

Also, it's natural for your son to be upset and be crying if he hasn't spent much time until this point with his father. He doesn't know him, so that's a natural response. However, you need to be firm with this man and let him know that parenting time/visitation means time he is supposed to be spending with the child... QUALITY time.

Off-topic: Chuck E. Cheese sucks. It is a place where parents take their kids to get them out of their hair. I'd never agree to letting my kids run off to Chuck E. Cheese as their main activity with their other parent for the weekend... the kids go off and play their own games and stuff, and the parents don't do anything *with* the kids. Next time he wants to take your boy to Chuck E. Cheese, tell him they should go for a bike ride, or play at the park, or do something constructive. Chuck E. Cheese is where "a kid can be a kid" and the adults can drink beer and eat pizza, to paraphrase their slogan.
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Old 05-14-04, 11:42 PM
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Joint custody usually isnt hard to get, however, the courts main concern is always whats in the best emotional interest of the child.That means the child must take meds if visiting dad or risk potential of medical neglect

Having said all that, if there is a dispute then what usually happens is that both parents are evaluated with psych evals(like an MMPI-2) and then a social worker or a forensic psychologist does a custody study and then makes a recommendatioN.

Your states laws may be different than mine and Im certainly not an attorney. I have been an expert witness many many times over the years and my best suggestion to you (and Im not kidding) get the very best ball busting female attorney you can and do what you think is best for child.

Wish u a lot of luck.Take care.
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