ADD and my Pending Divorce

[paulbf]

I don't want it but she's at the end of her rope and frankly I might benefit from being pushed out on my own or at least getting out of the atmosphere of accusations & guilt.

Anyways, I guess my key question is should I get a lawyer to keep an eye on finances? Money is the key reason for the split and she holds the purse strings. If her motivation is really financial maybe she hasn't thought things through assuming our property is split 50-50. Am I assuming correctly that's a given? She may have other ideas.

This is very strange because we've been in counseling and she agrees we are able to be friends and have fun together.

The past week has been total silence and very difficult emotionally. I'll admit most of the blame goes on me but I don't respond well to ultimatums or emotional turmoil, so here we are. I never thought it would come to this but nothing suprises me after all I've been through.

If I can get a grip, I'll try to fill in more of the story, it's difficult.

[ADDfor2]

Hi Paul,

Sorry to hear things are kind of rough for you right now with your wife. I admit I don't know much about the legal issues but in my opinion if you do get an attorney and she finds out it could ruin any chance of reconciling. If you are absolutely sure that the divorce is emminent and depending what kind of a person she is, you do have to protect yourself. I have never been through a divorce myself so I honestly can't say what is the right thing to do, just give you my honest opinion. There is probably someone else here that can tell you more then I can. I just felt for you when I read your post and wanted you to know that you have support here. Hang in there and please do continue your post when you can. Dee

[Andrew]

Unless you have a pre-nup (and even then), never go through a divorce without a lawyer (and in some states, its really important that you do so, considering Community Property laws.

Check with a lawyer in the yellow pages, and just ask some questions, even if he's not the lawyer you end up hiring.

This is just my humble opinion of course, but in many cases, money is the BIGGEST hurdle in a divorce, sometimes more so than the kids (if there are any). Good luck!

[Nucking_Futs]

I know thing's are looking bleak. I've had to check into divorce lawyer's myself in the past. They WANT your business and are usually very helpful and willing to answer any of your question's without charging. I would start interviewing them privatly just in case thing's do not pick up with your wife and yourself. But, please don't quit until the fat lady sing's. Hugs and good luck. We are here when you need us.

[biker]

Paul,
I have been on the verge before and may be again. My thoughts are with you. I would follow the others advice. My wife and I seperated and talked about divorce. When I asked for about a 1/3 of what our house was worth she went ballistic. She still holds that over my head today. Be careful what you say before you are sure this is going to happen. I think in most states it goes 50/50 but I would check with an attourney like the others said. Keep us posted and feel free to vent to us anytime.

[paulbf]

OK here's the deal, we're freinds for the most part and enjoy each other's company but I'm stubborn. When she complains about my career problems, I rationalize to the moon & back & she feels I end up blaming her, which I suppose is true to the extent that I'm defending myself. Basically I'm fine as long as you don't tell me what to do.

In my career struggles I've chosen to pursue my dream self employment in hopes of tapping into a more deep motivation but after 2 years, I guess it's not working. I still don't want to go back to a regular job though, I want to solve my problem and believe this is the answer.

Meanwhile she's addressed her career problems by just knuckling down and doing whatever will produce income, disregarding any sense of personal fulfillment because she's cynical and would rather be able to retire grumpy than bet on happiness. She's very worried about running out of money some day, I'm not. I'm worried about finding a place in life that I can be content with.

So the past couple years I've been scraping by paying the bills and my share of groceries while she covers the mortgage and tends to retirement savings. She's been very patient and I've been sort of a leech.

This past November I sank into depression & she said I need to make some changes so we've been in therapy since January. There was some improvement and some slipping back. During that time I came across my possible ADD "diagnosis" though I've got enough childhood trauma to explain many of those symptoms perhaps also.

Our couples counselor initially thought ADD was a bogus disease and that put things on a bad footing as I was also very confused. She says she's willing to talk about that but it's akward, she really isn't buying it. She refuses to read any books about it & basically says I'm on my own to fix my problems. She's sick of me demanding attention.

The last couple months I've run out of work and worked up a credit card debt. She refuses to help with that and insists that I should get a part time job. Any job. This is a big problem for me.

She's also refusing to help with additional funds for counseling. We have savings so it's not like we are going bankrupt. There is insurance but you know how that goes.

So last week in couple counseling I said I don't feel I'm able to discuss the ADD and the ultimatum from her is not acceptable & suggested I want another counselor. She threatened to sell the house. We didn't speak a single word all week.

This week's session was grim and it came out that she's looking for an apartment.

Well, she doesn't have the patience any more to help me through my issues (we never really talked much about it & there is a lot I've been too ashamed to discuss). And she refuses to cough up money for therapy.

So, sorry for thinking defensively here but if we aren't cooperating any more and it's headed for divorce, I want access to our money. And I wonder if she's got in mind to stow it away somehow, send it to her family to protect.

The thing is, we don't argue much except about my career problems and I really think we help each other and may be miserable alone. It seems a ridiculous battle of wills here.

I'm afraid because it's all about money, she might do something drastic and leave me dry. That's why I'm thinking about a lawyer. I'm thinking I need to make sure the money is secured. And yes, this will pretty much eliminate the possibility of getting back together.

I suppose I ought to get us to another counselor soon if there is any hope. She says she'll consider that but otherwise says she no longer has anything to say and it's up to me to meet her ultimatum.

[paulbf]

I talked to a lawyer and he says I'd need to give her written notice not to make any unauthorized gifts in order to protect the money.

Oh, man, this can get ugly. I really don't think it's necessary but it looks like she does. Part of me really hopes it can be saved, part of me is looking to defend myself. I'd like to think even if we split up that it will go smoothly but the money issue is so serious for her and I can be naively optimistic. All along I've been telling myself it'll be OK, it'll all work out.

[Nucking_Futs]

OOOOOo Paul good luck and big hugs is all I can say I'm so sorry. We're here when you need us.

[biker]

Well Paul it does sound like if you want it and I truely mean if you want it that your wife is willing to try another counselor. You sound like you are between a rock and a hard place. I can tell you from my expereince that if your wife thinks the money you guys saved is from her work and her help she will do everything in her power to keep the money or to make sure if she does not that you are screwed for what you did.

Sorry to be so blunt, but like I said earlier I had this discussion with my wife and she was going to make sure I did not get anything. If you have read my posts though we argue over much more than money. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.

[paulbf]

I'm generally hesitant to stand up for myself and I avoid conflict. Self esteem is a problem. Communication is a problem. There still has been zero communication for 10 days except one hour in couples counseling Tuesday.

I'm afraid to say anything because I'm paranoid about the money if she cut me off now with just a couple hundred bucks in my checking account. I may be able to transfer some funds from our joint account and then I could safely talk with her. As it stands (limbo/hell) I'm afraid of triggering a backlash and becoming stranded. It would take at least six months to get access to that money if that happens. Because of the atrocious lack of communication, I believe she just does not understand that I am sick and how difficult it is for me to work right now. It’s not a simple matter of just deciding to do it or being lazy. I have been a reasonably productive professional for 15 of the past 18 years, things are just really bad right now. I got into this situation in an attempt to find an answer to my problems and improve things or maybe in yet another desperate attempt to avoid taking responsibility, depending who's side you take).

I do think we could put things back together and I don't want a divorce.

The other question is am I just being greedy. It's pretty damn easy to argue that she deserves more than half of our money because she's worked hard for it. On the other hand, that's not the law and she chose to work long hours rather than come home and help me out of my slump. We all make our choices and that was her decision. It could be argued that she might never have gotten organized and out of her own depression to save that money without my emotional support. It can be rationalized to hell and back. Much of the problem can be attributed to both of our lack of communication on these serious matters.

The legal implications are clear cut. We have no children and she holds nothing else over me. If I choose not to grab the money, the worst that could happen is I go stay with my mom for a while a few hundred miles away and swallow my pride and close my business. With the money, I can stay here, work on my problems and maybe build my business that I've invested two years into. If she has truly lost hope that’s ten years of effort abandoned. If I step forward, that puts me in an assertive position so that we can communicate and perhaps resolve the situation. Not likely but perhaps conceivable.

If I chose not to grab the money, I’d stand a better chance of regaining her trust obviously. I don’t know how I can do that as long as she has no patience to learn about my real situation. What has been happening is that she gets mad and I say I need more time to try to solve things. It’s so hard to explain about my mental incapacitation, I can barely begin to talk about it and the couples counselor disbelieving ADD doesn’t help. It comes down to why I can’t try harder and I just mumble and stammer. This is not productive.

And I can’t do it alone and she’s not willing to help any more. Or maybe I can and I’m using her as a crutch and I’m just lazy and a bad person. Or maybe we just don’t have the right chemistry to make this work and I’m better off without her. There are big differences between us but like I said, we are good friends and enjoy each other’s company and support. We are both introverted lonely people and it won’t be easy for either of us to find love again. I believe I’ve offered her some optimism and hope in life, she’s given me companionship and acceptance that I desperately needed and helped me organize my life and finances.

All I can think is that she doesn’t realize that as soon as we stop cooperating as a couple, half the money is mine to spend as I choose. As long as we are together I’ll let her control the money and we can discuss things and work out a way to compromise. Any money I spend before the divorce is final (6 months) comes out of our joint assets so she pays half of my medical/psychiatric bills before the assets are split.

If it was as simple as admitting I’ve been bad and choosing to begin working and be productive again, I would do that but it’s just not that simple. She wants me to agree to just change and I refuse to make that promise because I know it won’t happen. I have tried that and it fails.

I got into this self-employment looking for a better answer. It hasn’t worked and I’ve either been avoiding that reality or overly optimistic. No doubt putting our marriage on the line has forced me to look more closely and take action. Being in the predicament of being told to shape up or ship out but denied access to the counseling I need has been untenable. That’s why I’m desperate and considering this move.

Any and all comments or observations will be deeply appreciated. I don’t have anyone else to turn to, I’m ashamed to discuss this with my few friends. I talked to my mom (my wife got mad at her a few months ago for supporting me so she’s assuming this is my chance to get out). I just called my previous therapist to tell him I have an emergency that I need to discuss (voicemail).

[biker]

Paul I am sorry about your situation. I am the same way. Not great communication and fear of conflict. My wife has also told me change or else. I am different in that I agree to change and then do not always follow through. That just makes her madder and me resentful towards her. You are being up front saying you cannot change without help. That is a better way to go. I am getting help and it has helped me some, but it there is still a long way to go.

I think unfornately if you do not do something you are going to end up losing in your situation. I would reccomend as hard as it is that you talk to your wife about the situation and what you both are going to do. Tell her you want to change, but feel you cannot do it without counseling. If she cannot accept that then you are going to have to move on.

I would reccomend talking about the money. Hopefully she is more reasonalbe about it than you think. I would not tell her about the half part. I would say that you need to discuss the money and how you can both get what you need if you are seperating. Do it in a way that is not threatening if possible. The longer you do not communicate the worse things are going to get.
Again I wish you the best. Take what works for you and throw out the rest.

[paulbf]

Thanks Biking!

I just got back from an emergency session with my previous therapist who also specializes in divorce and separation mediation (Doh, I had forgot about that). He says don't freak out & grab the money, that'll just end up costing $40,000 in lawyers fees if it gets ugly. He thinks we should make a written negotiated agreement for the terms of the separation which means how much time I have to get my act together & get a job & how much living & medical expenses I get during that time.

He thinks ADD is not my main problem surrounding my work issues (this is the one guy who said I was definitely ADD) and it's not a matter of making excuses because my wife doesn't want to hear those any more. He’s got kind of a moralistic approach and that’s part of the reason I left him but I generally like and respect him and feel comfortable objecting when I disagree with what he says. I’m sure I have significant ADD traits, I’m just not sure where the dividing line is between my emotional issues and the depression and drinking.

We should also be able to decide if a separation is even going to help at this point. He says this won’t be like couples counseling, that we are beyond that.

So I've set an appointment to talk with her & him tomorrow about that. $50/hr sliding scale for today & tomorrow then the mediation is $800 for four hours. I know this sounds ridiculous & pathetic hiring so many consultants to get through this but I feel so helpless on my own in this condition. At least working with him we will be able to give it a level headed talk. I’m unable to utter a single word to her about it currently.

[biker]

Paul,
That is good news. At least you will be moving forward. $50 seems like a good price. You are doing what it takes to get it done. You may not be doing the talking, but you are finding the people who can do it. Is your wife planning to show up or have you told her yet? You are doing good!

[paulbf]

I just called to tell her. She will call him, sounds like it will go through tomorrow.

Ha ha, I can delegate, eh? That's one of those ADD coping skills right?

[biker]

It is!! good job. That is one I have heard is learn what you are good at and do that. You just did. Hope it goes well! Keep us posted.