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  #1  
Old 10-14-09, 01:18 AM
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Love Them

I hated it. Broken promises, bills not getting paid on time, I hated renting and not owning a home, I hated having dirty laundry on the floor, I hated being interrupted, I hated not being the center of his world, I hated socks that don't match, I hated having stuff on the coffee table.
I hated it so much it started to eat me up. Until all I was, all I had, was anger and bitterness and resentment.
Then he got sick, really sick and the doctor said he's dying. He has MS.
I am going to watch his body and mind fall apart and have him slip away before our grandchildren are born. I hated that more.
I remembered how much I loved him, how much I needed him, how much he meant to me. I remembered how much I loved how he tickles me awake in the mornings, how he is so silly with the kids and makes them laugh so hard they pee, how he will quit his job and race home to me if I phone him crying over nothing.
I realized that some things really matter. The bills do have to be paid. The rest of it though. It doesn't matter if his socks don't match when he is fighting for his life. It doesn't matter if there is dirty laundry on the floor when he is dying before my eyes. It doesn't matter if there is stuff all over my coffee table when my kids have to watch their Daddy become crippled and die.
My friends who judged me because my house was a mess weren't there for me when we got the MS diagnosis. My family who never liked him because he would blurt out stupid things weren't there for us. The friends who were there for us, like Red, showed up wearing socks that don't match.
We got rid of almost everything. Sold it or gave it away. We stopped eating out and learned to cook healthy food together. We sold the second car and got buss passes and went on transit adventures on the weekend. We bought a tiny house and some land close to the suburbs so one day the developers will want to buy it from me and I can sell it. The mortgage is less than any rent we ever paid.
He taught me how to stop and smell the roses. I taught him to plan for a future without him in it. MS helped that too.
I got over my silly old fashioned ideas about things. That a man should be in charge of finances or be the bread winner. That I need someone else to make me feel good about myself. Stupid. Useless.
All that matters is loving each other for as long as we can. Until the end.
ADD is about living in the moment. Watching your Husband die is about living in the moment. Right now is all that really matters.
I don't want my Husband to lay dying on his hospital bed and feel like a failure because he never got around to fixing the toilet.
I am sorry but this is something I need to say.
Thank you for reading.
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Last edited by Normal Mom; 10-14-09 at 01:24 AM.. Reason: Typos!
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  #2  
Old 10-14-09, 01:30 AM
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Re: Love Them

(((hugs))))

I don't think there is any advice in the world that you can use with priorities such as you have expressed and if you need support continue posting. We do care.
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  #3  
Old 10-14-09, 03:47 AM
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Re: Love Them

beautiful post thats says much that is too often forgotten

thank you

kilt
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Old 10-14-09, 04:03 AM
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Re: Love Them

Normal Mom, that is such a warm moving post. This is what it is really all about. What it should always be all about but what is like kilt said, so often forgotten
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Old 10-14-09, 05:30 AM
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Re: Love Them

Wow I read that within 20 minutes of waking up and it made my day.

There's always a way to be happy even in the worst of times.
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Old 10-14-09, 01:57 PM
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Re: Love Them

Beautiful post. My prayers are with you and your family, as my heart goes to you all. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-14-09, 02:59 PM
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Re: Love Them

Thanks for putting it all back into perspective.
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Old 10-14-09, 05:36 PM
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Re: Love Them

*sheds a tear* thanks for that.

*goes off believing in humanity once more...*
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Old 10-14-09, 07:06 PM
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Re: Love Them

Normal Mom I saw you also posted this at ***********.com.
I admire your strength. I only hope one day I can get to that point without something tragic happening to get me there. Right now I'm stuck on the angry and bitter merry-go-round. I too gave up ever having a house and settled on the idea I would forever be a renter moving to worse and worse apartments as rents go up, that my toddler would be an only child and would never have her own home to grow up in, and we would never be financially comfortable. The Bankruptcy options is getting closer and closer.

While I feel it might be too late for me personally because the love has faded and the respect is completely gone. Hopefully this could help someone else not let this disorder run the good out of their lives.
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Old 10-14-09, 08:05 PM
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Re: Love Them

Yay NM! You are so inspiring, you should be Awesome Mom not Normal Mom.

PS may I please respectfully ask ... what's the big deal about owning a big house in the 'burbs anyways?

I've owned places and I've rented. Its more of a hassle to own, you have to replace the water tank when it explodes etc ... and the bigger a place is, the more mess there is, more rooms to clean. A fancy place scares me too, I'd ruin it

Mind you I HATE the suburbs, something about them feels like a scary maze with a trap in the middle ... like an evil labyrinth.

I am so glad to see you checking this place out, and *********** too
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Old 10-14-09, 08:58 PM
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Re: Love Them

An absolutely beautiful post. I am so glad you came to these forums, as you bring a fresh and wonderful perspective.

Not to minimize what your husband and you are going through, but the reality is, MS or not, we are ALL dying. We don't have to wait until something like this happens to look at our spouse in such a way. A beautiful way of looking at life, for all of us. You just happened to have the unfortunate circumstance of having a bad illness show it to you. Hopefully we can see it and learn through your story, not having to wait for that time to figure it out. You seem like a remarkable person, and your husband, son, and daughter are lucky to have you.

Mike
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Old 10-14-09, 09:00 PM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
Yay NM! You are so inspiring, you should be Awesome Mom not Normal Mom.

PS may I please respectfully ask ... what's the big deal about owning a big house in the 'burbs anyways?

I've owned places and I've rented. Its more of a hassle to own, you have to replace the water tank when it explodes etc ... and the bigger a place is, the more mess there is, more rooms to clean. A fancy place scares me too, I'd ruin it

Mind you I HATE the suburbs, something about them feels like a scary maze with a trap in the middle ... like an evil labyrinth.

I am so glad to see you checking this place out, and *********** too
I think there are two issues with the house owning thing. One is that it is yours, you can live in it, your children can live in it and your granchildren could live in it. Also I think you feel more stable, don't have to worry about sharing walls with people and you have your own space. I've moved so many times, bleh! I'm over it. Plus I really feel like I"m throwing money out the window. I pay rent but don't build anything. And I HATE HATE HATE that I can't wallpaper, or decorate, paint a wall or put up carpet.

I grew up in a house that was in my family for 3 generations and I long for that feeling again. I never feel at "home" in an apartment. I just feel like I'm a number to one day be cycled out. This would be my 6th apartment in 10 years.

But I LOVE that fact I can pick up a phone and get anything fixed and there are no lawns to mow or sidewalks/driveways to shovel.
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Old 10-14-09, 09:04 PM
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Re: Love Them

I can get that. Now a days most homes are only built to last 50 years (perhaps another reason why I don't like the suburbs, the homes are built outta particle board, yetch) especially here in North America. If ever I built my own home, it would be made to last so that it could be handed down.
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Old 10-14-09, 11:46 PM
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Re: Love Them

Well my dear as you know Cinderella meets her prince, goes to live in a big beautiful castle and lives happily ever after. Or so we think
I'll admit I did not have my priorities straight for many years on this subject. I wanted the big house on the corner lot in the gated community, with two SUVs and an RV in the driveway. I refused to settle for less. We had to rent large homes in neighborhoods we could barley afford and I refused to consider buying a starter home and building up. It was a castle or nothing in my mind.
I grew up in a upper class home, my sister owns a home that could be on the cover of a magazine. I thought I could never be happy with anything less. I'd find a tear in my microfiber couch and freak out on the kids over it or carry on at Husband that our lawn wasn't as nice as everyone else's. I honestly thought that such things mattered a great deal. I can tell you now that ADHD and the neighborhood association don't mix well! My husband would argue with them all the time about over grown shrubs and weeds in the lawn. So embarrassing!
I resented my Husband for not "giving" me what I thought I deserved.
When the MS diagnosis came, it was very difficult to make the decision to simplify our lives and get rid of all the toys and stuff we had accumulated over the years. The ATV we never took out to the bush, the gas gussling SUV, the closet full of clothes I never wore, all of my Husband's silly gadgets. It took a do or die kind of situation to get to that point but I can tell you ADHD and MS need a simple life.
So we moved into a very small 3 bedroom old farmhouse and I'll never live in a big home again. Those gated communities have beautiful homes, but they often don't have much for yards, and the kids don't even play in them! My kids have 3 acres to run and play and ride bikes. They are in a very safe semi-rural area where we know the names of all our neighbors and their dogs.
It took a while to get used to the little house and at first we were stepping on each other's toes all the time. But we realized that we were stepping on toes because we were not used to living together. In a big house everyone goes to their own room, or the other living room or the rec room and never interact with the rest of the family. In this house we do knock elbows but we share our lives. One TV means arguments over what show to watch, but we watch together. Its much harder for my Husband and my Son to disconnect when we all have to co-exist in a small space and we cannot allow arguments or bad feelings to fester in a small home.
I will never go back to a big house in the suburbs! We live simple and green and I love it
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Last edited by Normal Mom; 10-14-09 at 11:54 PM.. Reason: Missing word!
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Old 10-15-09, 12:36 AM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
While I feel it might be too late for me personally because the love has faded and the respect is completely gone. Hopefully this could help someone else not let this disorder run the good out of their lives.
On the flip side {sorry Lady_Lark} one should not allow the lack of a "disorder" run all the good out of life either.


I think you are missing Normal Mom's point -Let me be the horrid ADHDer and mention the notion that ADD didn't ruin Normal Mom's life nor did MS enhance it - The MS changed her perspective and it was her perspective change that made the difference.

We as human beings can change our perspective any time we want -

When I choose my perspective and change it accordingly it is amazing how the same world looks completely different. Once my internal world changes the external world soon follows suite

See our minds do not follow the physical existence the physical existence follows the internal mind - one is happy or unhappy from the inside out not the other way around. . . Normal Mom's post demonstrates that exceptionally well.




Happiness doesn't depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude. - Dale Carnegie

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." - Albert Einstein





.......
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