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  #16  
Old 10-15-09, 01:19 AM
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Re: Love Them

I agree. One of the teachings you often find in my spirituality is that you create your own reality. Not through something silly like "The Secret" but by how you choose to perceive things and deal with them.
What changed was my and my Husband's priorities and perceptions.
I thought that if only we had the nice house, and the manicured lawn, if only my Husband was a different man, if only my Son did not have LDs and all of that then I would be happy. To steal from another thread that inspired me: I was chasing the wrong carrot. I refused to accept reality and make the most of it. I was trying to force what I thought I ought to have in life upon the rest of my family. When I did not get those things, or when I did and found them unsatisfying I played the blame game. I had to choose to let go of my anger and hurt, not expect the world to take it away for me.
My Husband also had to change many of his perceptions as well. He learned that I was not trying to be cruel to him, I was trying to make life better but going about it the wrong way. He learned that normals don't want to do chores all day, we make ourselves do these things because they have to be done and we don't enjoy it. He learned that in life you can't just do what you feel like doing! When I needed something done and got frustrated that it didn't I wasn't trying to punish him, I was trying to hold things together.
I learned that for an ADHD-er love is a state of being, its all about feelings respect, warm fuzzies and its all connected. He learned that love to a normal is about action, doing, loving.
We were both looking at the world through the eyes of a victim or martyr. Now we are our own team of superheros out to take on the world as it comes!
Some days are better than others, I'll admit that. We choose to keep our eyes in the sunshine, not the storm clouds.
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  #17  
Old 10-15-09, 01:37 AM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
Originally Posted by Normal Mom View Post
I hated it. Broken promises, bills not getting paid on time, I hated renting and not owning a home, I hated having dirty laundry on the floor, I hated being interrupted, I hated not being the center of his world, I hated socks that don't match, I hated having stuff on the coffee table.
I hated it so much it started to eat me up. Until all I was, all I had, was anger and bitterness and resentment.
Then he got sick, really sick and the doctor said he's dying. He has MS.
I am going to watch his body and mind fall apart and have him slip away before our grandchildren are born. I hated that more.
I remembered how much I loved him, how much I needed him, how much he meant to me. I remembered how much I loved how he tickles me awake in the mornings, how he is so silly with the kids and makes them laugh so hard they pee, how he will quit his job and race home to me if I phone him crying over nothing.
I realized that some things really matter. The bills do have to be paid. The rest of it though. It doesn't matter if his socks don't match when he is fighting for his life. It doesn't matter if there is dirty laundry on the floor when he is dying before my eyes. It doesn't matter if there is stuff all over my coffee table when my kids have to watch their Daddy become crippled and die.
My friends who judged me because my house was a mess weren't there for me when we got the MS diagnosis. My family who never liked him because he would blurt out stupid things weren't there for us. The friends who were there for us, like Red, showed up wearing socks that don't match.
We got rid of almost everything. Sold it or gave it away. We stopped eating out and learned to cook healthy food together. We sold the second car and got buss passes and went on transit adventures on the weekend. We bought a tiny house and some land close to the suburbs so one day the developers will want to buy it from me and I can sell it. The mortgage is less than any rent we ever paid.
He taught me how to stop and smell the roses. I taught him to plan for a future without him in it. MS helped that too.
I got over my silly old fashioned ideas about things. That a man should be in charge of finances or be the bread winner. That I need someone else to make me feel good about myself. Stupid. Useless.
All that matters is loving each other for as long as we can. Until the end.
ADD is about living in the moment. Watching your Husband die is about living in the moment. Right now is all that really matters.
I don't want my Husband to lay dying on his hospital bed and feel like a failure because he never got around to fixing the toilet.
I am sorry but this is something I need to say.
Thank you for reading.
Normal Mom

Love is the greatest medication.
It would be awesome to live in the clouds,
With someone, who, lives in the clouds.
Together.
In all weather.

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  #18  
Old 10-15-09, 01:37 AM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
Mind you I HATE the suburbs, something about them feels like a scary maze with a trap in the middle ... like an evil labyrinth.
LAMO - mouse trap with no frippin cheese!! Sorry I feel the same way about a lot of things. Gary's niece lives in one of those Mcmansions in a gated community, in the suburbs of San Antonio it is nuts.

Gary laughed but she got offended when I referred to the gate as a cage - I avoid criminal activity because I find the idea of living behind bars unappealing - The notion of paying $1500.00 a month for 30 years in the form of a mortgage to live behind bars is absurd {IMHO}

She said the gate was for increased safety - from what I haven't a clue because all the nuts are on the inside of the thing already but luckily I am on adderall and was able to keep that one to myself


It is a rat race and all that money tied up in what ???

When going through some changes in my mid-30's I discovered only two things in life that can not be replaced

1)Time
2) The people we share it with.
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  #19  
Old 10-15-09, 03:09 AM
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Re: Love Them

hehehehe I once climbed the wall of a gated community just to prove to a family member that they aren't any safer than anywhere else. Geez a 6 foot high stone wall full of hand-holds, watch out bad guys! *rolls eyes*

and


"All acts of love are rituals in Her honor..."
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  #20  
Old 10-15-09, 02:57 PM
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Re: Love Them

Yes dear. I would rather hang on to love and hope than just throw my hands up and let the anger and resentment control me also, if I gave up on my ADD-H Husband what lesson does that teach my Son with the same disorder?
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  #21  
Old 10-18-09, 07:02 AM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
Geez a 6 foot high stone wall full of hand-holds, watch out bad guys! *rolls eyes*
It keeps people from having to worry about stupid bad guys and ones in wheel chairs.


Quote:
if I gave up on my ADD-H Husband what lesson does that teach my Son with the same disorder?
That he isn't worth the effort it takes to love.

I have found love to basically be inconvenient and rather difficult at times , as is my husband. The idea is love isn't a feeling but a commitment especially in the worst of times
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  #22  
Old 10-18-09, 11:10 AM
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Re: Love Them

im seriously crying right now. that was beautiful. thank u
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Old 10-18-09, 06:17 PM
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Re: Love Them

Thanks...I'm usually comfortable with being emotionally detached these days and I don't cry often but I'm close now.

((Hugs))

Selena
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  #24  
Old 10-19-09, 10:37 PM
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Re: Love Them

Wow. This post really hits home.


I had a girlfriend who I considered a wife for 4 and a half years. We have a 10 month old daughter together. We've been thought a ton of crap together. Two weeks ago she hit me with the 'I need space to think' speech... She then left me a few days ago. We talked a few times over this break, the things she brought up I feel are 90% because of my ADD/processing problem. Right now, we've decided that we're going to do family things together for our daughter, but other than that we're just friends. Something that I should have done a long time ago.

I really wish she had the chance to read this several weeks ago. I wish a lot of things would have happened several weeks ago, like me trying to better myself like I'm doing now. It would make her realize that love is different for us with ADD. That these little things that are always in the way really don't matter at all. I know deep in my heart that she still loves me, I love her as well even though we both were hurt badly.


*sigh*


I'm really glad that you can see through things. I just wish that mine could have...
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  #25  
Old 10-30-09, 08:17 PM
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Re: Love Them

Yesterday I was angry with him for forgetting the recycling and loosing his wallet again and today the MS has left him exhausted and so weak his hands shake
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  #26  
Old 11-08-09, 02:34 AM
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Re: Love Them

Please sticky this thread!

(NM says she will be back soon, something about a karate tournament)
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  #27  
Old 11-09-09, 08:48 PM
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Re: Love Them

I'm with you, RHW. I pick this thread up frequently when the frustration of dealing with the oncology department has me eyeing my suitcases and fantasizing about running away from home. NM and I have a few things in common on that front.

What do you think, Lady Lark?
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  #28  
Old 11-13-09, 09:05 PM
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Re: Love Them

Husband and I have been making a point of being very affectionate to each other. We know our time is together is limited. So now when one of us is upset at the other we talk while holding each other. Today I walked in to my Son's bedroom to see my kids sitting on the bed with their arms around each others shoulders talking about a dispute they had over a toy. It made me cry tears of joy to see them copy Mom and Dad like that
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  #29  
Old 12-30-09, 05:01 PM
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Re: Love Them

How are things going?
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Old 12-31-09, 07:09 AM
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Re: Love Them

AMAZING POST! This made me tear!
You could spend all day long at the beach longing, obsessing even to ensure you have the biggest, tallest, pristine most beautiful sand castle as far as you can see, but in the end in your mind, ultimately it's still a sand castle. Instead have fun enjoying, or appreciate making it. Or remembering that's something you did in the company of friends, family, etc.


Cherish what's important to you, even if it includes possessions and property. A home certainly is what you make of it. But don't strive for a house with more because you feel you have to have the biggest house, the most expensive, the most picturesque, the cleanest house, the best lawn, the best furniture, the house in the hamptons, the house suburbs. Why does that have to matter to you? Don't let yourself be judged be feeling compelled to make it a driving factor in your life.

Cherishing the things in your life that money can't buy should certainly be more important than that that's essentially just about showing your wealth.

Again GREAT post!
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