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  #31  
Old 01-02-10, 06:05 AM
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Re: Love Them

It sounds to me, Normal Mom that you have gained a wonderful perspective on life. It's awful that MS had to be the catalyst for you to come to that realization, but you're richer than the person who goes through life not knowing, and not having a life truly lived.

I hope you have more good days than bad, and cherish the sunshine when it shines.
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  #32  
Old 01-18-10, 10:53 PM
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Wink Re: Love Them

Quote:
Originally Posted by Normal Mom View Post
All that matters is loving each other for as long as we can. Until the end.
ADD is about living in the moment. Watching your Husband die is about living in the moment. Right now is all that really matters.
Thank you for your transparency, for pouring out your heart. The "present" is a gift...I am learning that it is a "sacrament." Just read your post...hope your precious husband is doing O.K., hope you are doing O.K. too. I intend to love the ADHD gifts in my life (my son, my boyfriend) without holding back, without worrying about what we can't control, without the "map"
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  #33  
Old 01-21-10, 04:54 PM
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Re: Love Them

Thank you all for your wonderful posts.

We took some family time over the holidays and while the children were off school. Husband was hit hard by the Yule-tide season, with all the family events and and so forth. Its harder when you have to do both Christmas and Yule! We did our best to pace ourselves.

This was the first Yule-tide where the children recieved less expsenive gifts and more practical gifts than previous years. They took it like troopers and did their best to be as happy about socks and underwear as toys and games.
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  #34  
Old 01-29-10, 06:24 PM
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Re: Love Them

Its easy to be inflexible as it means you need not make changes and are free to feel resentment and that you are in the right. But marriage and family life is all about compromise and flexibility.
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  #35  
Old 01-29-10, 08:33 PM
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Re: Love Them

Looking at life and the situations one finds themselves in through a different set of filters can make all the difference in the world.
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  #36  
Old 01-30-10, 03:43 AM
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Re: Love Them

What is more important? Being a happy loving family or brow beating my hubby into submission so they we look like others peoples idea of a happy family?
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  #37  
Old 06-22-10, 10:42 PM
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Re: Love Them

I know I've not been here in a long time, I was dealing with many personal issues and now my mom has passed and we are facing bk, I was going to post this rant as a new thread, but I'm going to post it here because I cried when I read your post NM. I want to change my perspective. So I will post this rant here because if I learned of something so horrible, I would just feel so so horrible that the crumbs in the laptop wouldn't be important at all. It's a hard lesson to learn. It's our 15th year anniversery on the 4th of July, and I was thinking we aren't going to make it much longer but perhaps this is just a rant, I'll get it off my chest .....

dealing with a sticky laptop
full of crumbs
never paying attention to what we are out of
never putting me first it always snoods or crab forum
never dealing with the finances
leaving shoes in the middle of the room
food dripped on the floor and counter top
never putting things back where they belong
never taking the initiative to do what is obvious
ignoring me
not being there for me... when I had surgery on my side, or when I sprained my ankle
not being the man of the house
not loving me the way I wish to be loved and the way I deserve to be loved
I make dinners and lunches and breakfasts and i can't do it anymore as I don't feel its reciprocated
I don't feel like I'm listened to
I don't feel like I'm understood
when my mom had cancer it was just not a priority to make sure I was ok
I still had to work full time and take care of my mom and I felt like I didn't get enough support.
I'm not in a relationship where I am fulfilled
there is no chemistry and no affection
I feel like I'm living alone, but worse
I feel like I need some time off and I can't take it
I'm sad about my situation and I resent having to file bk
I feel like there is nothing we have in common no common hobbies
a mess of a bathroom
leaving clothes scattered
washing darks and lights together
never putting dishes back in there place
never putting tools in their place
putting important items keys wallet in various places , nothing is ever put in "its" place
I don't feel like I can count on someone like I should be able to
I feel like I have to deal with all the problems and find solutions
I feel like the marriage is not equal
I feel like I'll never be secure
I don't feel loved
I feel no matter how much I want to work things out, it's all on me. I have to put up with this and live with someone who acts like a teenager
I wonder how much of my depression is becuase I can't confide in my spouse
I feel like no matter how loud I cry for help , he will never hear me.
I don't feel special or wanted
I feel like I'm being deprived of happiness because I try desperately to get a conversation going and it's always the same, too much frustration, it may be at the point of no return.
I don't feel like I can live like this unless something changes.
I don't feel that we are going to make it.
I feel like I've reached and reached and gave and gave .....the well is dry.
And I feel like I'm the only one who cares about it. ADD is killing my live and this marriage.

... and work on changing my perspective... I do still love him.
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  #38  
Old 06-23-10, 05:19 PM
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Re: Love Them

I feel so fortunate to be in love with my ADHD husband. Sometimes we laugh at the things that he blurts out:

Me: You're probably sick of me asking where you put the [fill in the blank] as I am of asking you, huh?

Husband: Yeah.

Then we look at each other. He says, "Wait. What? No! I mean, I think it's over here!" and then we laugh - together.

Sometimes he embarrasses me by blurting things out in public, or making a conversation-stopping joke that no one understood but him. I just try to remember I probably embarrass him sometimes too.

Thank you so much for posting that NM, it was beautiful.
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  #39  
Old 06-23-10, 05:27 PM
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Re: Love Them

Quote:
Originally Posted by HelpB View Post
Inot loving me the way I wish to be loved and the way I deserve to be loved
I don't feel loved
I don't feel special or wanted
I feel like I'm being deprived of happiness because I try desperately to get a conversation going and it's always the same, too much frustration, it may be at the point of no return.
I don't feel like I can live like this unless something changes.
I don't feel that we are going to make it.
I feel like I've reached and reached and gave and gave .....the well is dry.
And I feel like I'm the only one who cares about it. ADD is killing my live and this marriage.

... and work on changing my perspective... I do still love him.
My last post must seem terribly inconsiderate under yours, I'm sorry for the timing. There was a time when I felt the same way about my husband. We didn't know he had ADHD, marriage counselling is part of how he got diagnosed.

The question I would ask you is: What does he say when you tell him you don't think he loves you?

I think the one thing that kept me coming back when I was ready to leave my husband was the fact that he would insist over and over again, all night long is necessary that he loved me more than anything.

I didn't believe him, and I couldn't feel it, but I could tell he thought he was telling the truth. I finally asked him if we split, and he was on his own, would he really and truly feel like he had done everything he possibly could.

I felt that I had. Turns out he felt that he hadn't. He wanted to do more. We set a time period of 6 weeks, to see if he could implement some new behaviors (while being aware that he would not be able to eradicate the old ones) but just enough to make me feel the love and like he wanted to do some real hard work for me. (This was my idea not the T's)

Does he know you think it may be over? Does he want it to be over or does he want you to change your mind?

Hugs to you, you're in an awful place. I hope where you end up is bright and sunny.
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  #40  
Old 06-23-10, 06:14 PM
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Re: Love Them

He tells me that he loves me....more then anything (but it seems not enough to change ....to keep us from splitting up) I really just don't understand his behaviors... like my mom was terminal, in her last week of her life and he wants to go fishing. There were so many times I drove home from the hospice center alone and crying about my mom... and about the fact I could not count on my husband to comfort me at all. I just didn't have a husband who was there for me.

He always says I'm nagging, he doesn't truely believe he is so difficult to live with. I'm going to ask him that tonight about if we split will he feel he has done everything he could have.... I'm thinking he will say "yes I have tried the best I could... I guess we should split up" At this point I will say that we need couples counciling.

He has so much trouble with relationships ....he really doesn't have any good friends to speak of because of his "absent" behaviors. Sarah, that is a very insightful comment "does he want it to be over" I'm obviously putting him under too much pressure, he always seems so lost. I don't even know how he would be able to survive. In his defense I know he has tried to change and help, but it's not working.. we are not working. I just don't know if he 'understands' how serious I am and how serious our situation has become. Resentment does evaporate the love.
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  #41  
Old 06-24-10, 02:14 AM
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Re: Love Them

Crumbs on the counter and shoes in the the middle of the room?
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  #42  
Old 06-24-10, 07:39 PM
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Re: Love Them

How did it go?

I can't tell you how familiar your words sound to me. I think the thing that helped me was that I decided to pick one thing I needed and to build on it. Don't let that fool you into thinking I aimed low, I told him I needed to feel loved, and that he was responsible for it.

I had to take him by the hand to start. I told him that the coming Saturday night, he was to plan a special date for me. Put all his heart and soul into it, and sweep me off my feet. We didn't have any money either, so I had to tell him how I would feel loved on no money.

Feel free to relate this story to him, exactly:

My husband made me dinner, soup and grilled cheese because that's what we could afford. He put the radio on and spread a blanket on the livingroom floor, and lit the candle from the bathroom. He curled pieces of paper into tubes, taped them and drew flowers all around them, and then he wrote me a letter that I could keep about how much he loved me and was sorry about the hard times we were having.

Anytime it was getting too hard, I told him I needed to be swept away and that he should use his imagination to really impress me. It didn't always work, but it kept me going while he figured out how to work with the rest.

As far as living with an adult teenager/child - YES! That's exactly what it's like, so rather than fight it, I decided to go with it. My husband accused me of nagging too much too. So instead of askig him like an adult to pick up his shoes, I would raise my voice and in a sing song-y way, say, "Who wants to come pick up their shoes?" Then he had a choice. He could respond to the nice way, or he could ignore me and the whole thing could degenrate into an argument. Possibly culminating in me throwing his stuff out the window. He had no choice but to respond to that.

So it seems to work to give them a choice, then it's not nagging, it's just asking and playing a game. If he chooses to ignore your nice request you don't have to feel guilty about not being nice anymore, and he has no leg to stand on for the "nagging".

I will say it took a long time for my husband to feel he had not given it everything he had. He left me over and over again, but only for a few days. I had to go on anti-depressants and I was so skinny from the stress that my co-workers thought I was anorexic.

Now I yell, "Who wants to come wipe their peanut butter off the counter?" He yells back, "I do!" and bounds happily into the room. Then I say, "I knew you would! My hero never lets the bad peanut butter get me!" and give him a kiss. Then he wipes the counter. And I say, "Hey, whose shoes are these in the livingroom? I think a burgular broke in here and threw your shoes in the middle of the room!" and then he saves me from the shoes... You get the idea.

The point is, with mine, he would automatically shut right off if things even started to feel slightly stressful to him. I would have sworn the whole city could hear me yelling at him, but he couldn't hear a thing. If I keep things cheerful, he stays engaged. If I make them fun, he responds pretty quickly.

If he doesn't, and I try a few times to engage him without success, I might say, "Do you want to put your shoes away now or would you like to fight over them now?" The message from me then is - something is going to happen right now, which is it?

I would be happy to talk with you privately if you like. I also shared your story with my husband and he felt he could totally relate to your husband. Maybe we can get them in touch...
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  #43  
Old 06-24-10, 08:08 PM
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Re: Love Them

The constant in living with an ADHDer. Praise them when they do something right. Then don't be surprised when they keep on doing it. We don't just LIKE being told we did good, we THRIVE on it. We will do whatever it takes to keep getting it.

We have no sense of time whatsoever. The clock is meaningless to us. Sarah's "Do you want to put your shoes away right now or do you want to fight about it" is a great way to remind your partner that there is an expectation around WHEN a thing will happen.

Many of us have spent our entire lives building coping mechanisms that may not work with our partners. Believe me, those mechanisms are hard won and letting go of them is tough- even to seeming impossible. When what you are looking at is a coping mechanism, approach from the standpoint of, "I will give you praise for THIS behavior and NOT for THAT one. That helps to reframe the coping mechanism and reduces the fear around letting it go.

When you are seeing behavior that is hyper/impulsive, stop for a second and remember this- I am seriously hyper/impulsive, and this is a true story. I was having an argument with my partner. That happened a lot in the early days of his cancer treatment. I was off meds and my whole world had changed. The man I love has terminal cancer and the chemo just seemed to make him sicker and I hated EVERYTHING- especially stuff dealing with his funeral. During this argument, I had a half cup of coffee in my hand. I tried to tell him several times that he was pushing too hard and to back off. He wouldn't. We live in a two story town house. I was standing near the stairs when I had the initial impulse to throw the coffee cup at the landing. I tried desperately to not do that, tried to put it down- even if I could just put it on the floor. I tried to get out of the argument and count to ten, twenty, a hundred. I tried.

I spent the next couple of hours vacuuming the shards out of the carpet and bleaching the coffee out of the walls.

I'm not blaming anyone but me for that but I have to say that it happened six months ago and I am STILL ripping myself apart over it.

If your guy is impulsive- and he likely is, he needs a functional way to get that impulse out so that he can step back to reality. Stop the argument RIGHT NOW and let him take a walk- the average person can walk one mile in twenty minutes. A PO'd ADHDer can do it in ten. Tell him to take a walk to a place at least a mile- mile and a half is better- away. Keep a box of crap glass that you can get from thrift stores and garage sales handy and a safe place to break it. I watch Mythbusters explosions. It works. But recognize that some of those impulses will get the better of him. Intervention works MUCH better.
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  #44  
Old 06-24-10, 11:39 PM
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Re: Love Them

wow, just wow.......of all the wonderful and insightful posts and threads that I have read on this site, this is far and away, the most beautiful........I hope Normal Mom is doing well, and her husband too.......

.....everyone has pretty well said all the things here already, except for one little thing ....Tigger, if you throw a glass quart bottle of unopened Pepsi right in the middle of the kitchen floor, it will break and spray out most effectively to all corners and sides of the room......it is very satifying .....of course it is a huge giant sticky mess, but verrrrry fulfilling when you do it, ( especially when you can grab your dog and stomp out of the house, telling your roommate ( not Mike this was mumble mumble years ago) "I've cleaned up enough of your messes, you can clean up one of mine" as you exit !


not that I am endorsing such a method, but .......
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  #45  
Old 06-26-10, 11:31 AM
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Re: Love Them

Sorry for this incredibly long post.

Well things haven't been good, he found this forum and found my post and was very very upset. ( he looked in my history) I don't know how much of it he read.

He doesn't want the marriage to be over. He was upset that I wrote in a public forum about him. I told him no one can know who you are here. I was thinking about getting the mods to delete it because I think if he continued to see what I was posting here it would further upset him.

Tigger - I want to say how sorry I am for what you had to go through. ((huggs)) I don't know what to say about playing that over and over again and 'ripping' yourself for it. I've been reading Depak Chopra and it has helped me tremendously to not replay events like that from the past. Also.... I know that dynamic all too well, I'm trying to get him to understand and he's not responding and he gets frustrated, hell punch something. I don't know what the haywire thing going on in his head is, but its SO frustrating for both of us. It's like we are not getting the messages through but we keep forcing them and it end in explosion.

Sarah, that is the biggest thing... is to feel loved. I feel like I'm not the center of his world. 20 years ago when we first met, he made me feel special... but over the years... with the many jobs he's been through and the many tragedies (mom my getting sick and passing away, my dog getting sick and passing away, my injuries, just times when I've really needed my husband) he was not there. It hurts so bad and I'm so lonely. Then on top of that, I have to pick up all the slack and there is much of it to pick up. Coffee grinds all over the counter tops, cups all over the house, unopened mail on his bedroom floor (he tries to help by getting the mail, but then throws it on the floor in his room ??? why) The list is long. Look, I'm not trying to have an imaculate home, but I would like to have the absolute minimum. Why is it impossible to take your shorts off in the middle of the living room and leave them there?

(btw.. I'm taking notes on all these posts here... because I feel like I'll loose my mind if things don't change)

The other thing that really hurts me is he has this whole other life that I wasn't aware of... he's on these fishing forums and facebook and has all these friends and things going on... how does he have the focus for that, but not his own wife and the fact that she was crying every day watching her mother die of brain cancer?

I'm guessing he is pulling away from me because I'm always so dissappointed. I get that I have to work with him and this ADD, and I've been willing to work toward a better life, but he's only interested on working on what he wants and if I need to communicate with him (and I've completely changed my approach since he was diagnosed a few years ago) I just get the eye roll.

He doesn't know why he doesn't have solid friendships... and why friends just stop talking to him ..... and why he doesn't have a stable career and why his wife is contemplating ending it.... I'm exhausted and after watching my mom die of cancer and being on my own ... I really need to have a good marriage and I deserve to be happy. I don't care about a super organized home and him being the bread winner. I knew that when I married him. But I did expect he would be able to keep a job and he would pay attention to me. I feel like if I were to get really sick, I would have to count on my friends, because my husband would not step up. As he has not stepped up in the past.

I sprained my ankle in December... it was a very bad sprain and I could not put any weight on it. Do you think he would check on me to see if I needed anything b4 leaving the house for the day? A glass of water perhaps? I could've called him on his cell phone, but he accidentally washed it with his clothes.

I do give him praise for things I appreciate, and I've stopped trying to correct him altogether. I think I've resigned myself to the fact that our love for each other is probably lost. And I'm just waiting for the final straw. I tell him how I'm thinking... and he just takes a nap.

Obviously nothing I've been doing has worked. And in his defense, he has been terribly depressed, still crying over our dog who died back in January (I wish I got 1/10th of the emotion & attention our pet received from him), He just recently he got a job after being unemployed for over a year. So I've been retreating. It's obviouse that I'm not going to get the attention I want and need. Part of the problem is that his medication wears off at 3pm (vyvance) and by the time he gets home, it's facebook, food and wrestling and sleep.. in that order. I'm not in that list.

I love the 'singy voice' strategy.. I can't wait to try it. (oh, I don't know how many times I've imagined throwing all that stuff out the window!)
I've had to go on antidepressants too. With my mom and my dog and financial, I was so beyond bouncing back on my own. And to make it worse I had no support.

Boy, that would be such a wonderful ending to the story for me... to have my hero save my from the peanut butter on the counter. I can work on that strategy for sure!

that is EXACTLY what my husband does. he shuts off when things get stressful. I think this is why he's had 30+ jobs.

That sounds like an excellent idea. Boy wouldn't it be great to save a marriage and not end up part of the statistics?

Thanks for all the amazing helpful replies.
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