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  #46  
Old 06-26-10, 11:37 AM
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Re: Love Them

Thank you I hope there is never an MS diagnosis in my family. It is gratifying to love someone so much. I love all my family and cherish the moments we share together.
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  #47  
Old 06-26-10, 12:11 PM
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Re: Love Them

I feel for you Help B. If he really wants to stay together, then he will have to decide to put more energy into that than fishing and facebook. Having friends in a virtual world is not the same as having them in the real world (as you already know, but he may not).

In order for the new "techniques" I suggested to work, he has to be aware of them and want to try them. Does he know that he shuts down? Does he want to try to stay engaged as long as it's a pleasant conversation? I know my husband did not want to stay engaged in any conversation that was even remotely unpleasant. At first I had to tell him that I loved him every time I asked him to clean up after himself, or he immediately felt the disappointment, even when I wasn't there yet.

I had to assure him over and over again, that I loved him and I was trying these things because I wanted to stay together, but that I needed him to engage. I also reminded him that pleasant conversations resulting in me feeling loved and cared about take maybe 20 minutes. Arguments could take hours / days...

He liked the idea of shortening the time. It gave him more time to play music, do the things he loves that are outside of my needs. He ended up putting less time in as an investment and getting more out. And that's exactly what happened.

I don't know if you'll be able to get his attention, and if you do, you should look to have him do one thing that will make you feel good right now. Sometimes, my husband would agree to do something (pick up the papers on the table for example), but he would feel that if he did it right when I asked, then it wasn't his idea, and wasn't as good as if he came back to it later all on his own.

He thought doing it on his own would make me feel more loved than doing it right then. But of course, he has ADHD, so he would forget and not do it at all, and then I really felt like he didn't care.

I'll give you another example of how we have come to deal with papers covering all the table tops. This past week it was getting out of control again, so I told him I would arrange all the papers into piles titled, Throw Away, Maybe Throw Away, File, and Work on This Now.

I did my end and had all the stacks ready for him to sort through when he got home from work. He got home and said, I want to go swimming! I said, Ok, but I was really hoping since I put all of this work into these piles that we could go through them tonight. I would feel like you appreciated my work if you did your part now.

He agreed that he should do that. And then we stood there and went through the Throw Away pile first. Every paper that he wanted to save, I said, "Ok, you want to save this because it has that information on it. Could you write that down somewhere else and throw this piece away?"

Then he would either say he could, or not, and it would go into the corresponding pile. At the end, I made sure HE was the one to throw away the things that were gone. Then we went to the next pile, and talked about every piece of paper, we agreed where it would go. If it was the trash, he would bring it over and throw it away and I would wait for him to get back before I started the next pile.

In the end, he had two things in the File pile and three in the Work On pile. I helped him get those squared away and in an hour, the house looked so much cleaner. I stopped it there and though the pool was closed, he said he felt much better seeing how clean the house was. The next night, I also made sure we had plenty of time for swimming after work, and I went with him to enjoy ourselves together.

I have also worked with other people with ADHD (friends) and helped them organize thoughts or paperwork or whatever - they have universally told me that watching the papers go into piles, and then get cleaned up is absolutely magical to them. To me it's routine and brainless. But I get a charge out of seeing how grateful he is when it was really nothing to me, and he feels like I aligned the moon and the stars just for him.

If there is anything we can do to help you, please let me know. My husband keeps asking how things are going with you too. He keeps asking how outspoken you are on these issues and if it's enough. ("Outspoken" is a mild way to describe how I was with him.) It would really be a benefit to our marriage if we could share some of the things we've learned to help another.
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  #48  
Old 06-26-10, 05:08 PM
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Re: Love Them

Help, hon, if his Vyvanse is worn by 3p he needs an IR coverage dose- generally around 10 mg- to carry him through the evening hours.

Facebook and forums are ways to let a busy brain be distracted. If he is crawling into that hole, he really NEEDS the coverage.
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  #49  
Old 06-27-10, 11:19 PM
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Re: Love Them

My hubby has his appt tomorrow, I'm hoping he will let me go with him.

Since I've read your advice Sarah, thing have been much better. He still is upset that I'm posting on a forum about him. I honestly just want to figure out how to improve our relationship. It's not like I've just met him and I've decided it's too much maintenance. I've known him for 22+ years. I didn't realize he had add until about five years ago and even then I had to give him an ultimatum b4 he would even see a doctor. But now I think why didn't I do that sooner. He even says he wishes he would have known sooner because that is why he didn't get his degree. He just couldn't focus enought to get the grades. He started back to school a few years ago and he got all As. So it has really impacted his life ... not being diagnosed.

I've decided I'm going to work on one little thing at a time and try to let most of the irritating behaviors go for now. The "who wants to put away the milk and close the microwave door" is working fabulously.

That is so true about the amazement ..... not that this is even in the same category but when I make the bed....he just is so impressed... and for me it's so insignificant. He would just sleep on a mattress with no cover, not fitted sheets no pillow cases... and think nothing of it.

I have some problems too with organizing, I think that is why I've stayed with him is that I have add traits as well. I've just learned to cope a bit better and I've got my intuition.

I've been outspoken and I've been frank with him, but the message is not getting through as intended. He hears me, but he doesn't quite understand that I'm telling the truth. We are unable to connect on some level and I keep thinking one day we will connect, but I don't think he is capable of what I'm wishing for.. and now that I understand it's really not that he doesn't love me, it that his brain does not work like mine. We have to figure it out... and we have to at least both come to an understanding that I won't quite 'get' him and he won't quite 'get' me, but it's sort of like we will agree to disagree.

(btw..he is still very upset that I'm talking about our marriage online.... he thinks he's being judged, but I keep telling him that I'm trying to figure out how to communicate with him w/o out it ending up in frustration, arguement, and high blood pressure
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  #50  
Old 06-28-10, 11:42 AM
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Re: Love Them

Help, remind him that at least one person you are talking to here has ADHD herself. I can't judge him without judging me... and I don't play that anyway.

Maybe if HE learned a bit about this place, he would find support too- and understand why this is a good thing. I KNOW he would be welcomed here.
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  #51  
Old 06-28-10, 09:42 PM
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Re: Love Them

Help, I'm so glad to hear that some things are starting to improve for you. I hope your husband can see in time that you're simply seeking the support you need from others so that you'll have something left to give him. He's only one person, as much as he would love to be everything in the world to you, he's simply not going to be able to support you as your husband with ADHD and as someone outside the marriage who does not have ADHD.

I wouldn't judge him either. Part of the reason my husband and I get along so well is that I have PTSD. I was diagnosed before we met, though, so I knew I was "damaged goods" and came right out with it in case he wanted to run away. He didn't. I'm so glad.

So I'll relate this fun little tidbit, from our history: One night, several months before my husband was diagnosed, we were having an argument about something silly. He had been ignoring me and fluffing me off while I tried to talk to him for quite some time... I was really upset. I finally got through to him by being nasty and mean (which is my default position when my heart is breaking... PTSD=anger). My poor husband was sitting on the floor and he started crying. He said, "I want to do better... I think there's something wrong with me... I think I have ADD or something!"

I responded, "Oh, you are so full of sh*t! There's nothing wrong with you that a swift kick wouldn't fix!"

Nice wife, huh?

When he got the diagnosis a few months later, I felt like a heel. He forgave me immediately and admitted that he was obnoxious prior to his revelation of ADD, so he doesn't blame me for not believing him. Naturally, this makes me feel worse...

It's nice that we laugh about it together now. For a long, long time it wasn't funny at all.

Your take that you will never quite get each other sounds exactly like how it feels in our marriage. It's a little like having to learn to speak another language to communicate with someone from a far away place. It's work, but it's worth it - for the right person.

I hope you will keep letting us know how it goes and that your husband might be more open to us all conversing. Whether he realizes it or not, it's pretty obvious to me at least that you're talking here so you can try to stay with him. You've got to be able to vent somewhere, and I can't think of a better place than here where there are people on both sides to offer support - to both of you.

Love & Strength.
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  #52  
Old 07-02-10, 10:37 AM
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Re: Love Them

It such a huge sense of calm that comes over me when I meet someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through. B4 I found this forum, I really felt like I was out on a island. And it seem you and I have so much in common with our relationships.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SSarah View Post
He had been ignoring me and fluffing me off while I tried to talk to him for quite some time... I was really upset. I finally got through to him by being nasty and mean (which is my default position when my heart is breaking... PTSD=anger). My poor husband was sitting on the floor and he started crying. He said, "I want to do better... I think there's something wrong with me... I think I have ADD or something!"
My default position is anger too. He doesn't understand that I feel the anger because my heart is breaking. He just doesn't get it that the anger is stemming from hurt.

I wish he would come here to this forum and seek information and support. At the very least get some idea that it really is no picnic living with someone who is opposite in the brain function department.

Well don't feel bad, I have put in my share of abusive language toward my hubby. I spent so many years thinking he was just a child and lazy. I kept thinking one day he'll grow up... that was when we were in our 20s, so here we are in our 40s and we are at the same place. Gosh how time flies.

Yep, I've got my own baggage too. I had an unhappy childhood and I suffer from anxiety and depression (and add too)

But he seems to want to ignore what I'm telling him. He takes the position that I'm nagging and he is just fine. There is still a part of him that refuses to believe that he has ADD. He gets so mad when I try to discuss how we should adjust the way we interact because it's destroying the last bit of love we have left. Sometimes he gets it and he want to work on it, and other times he just wants to do his fun hobbies and he wants me to go away. That really hurts. When I go to my room and just cry myself to sleep, he just ignors me, he thinks I'm being dramatic. How dramatic will it be when he served with divorce papers? I have to beg him on the weekends to take his medicine. He thinks he only needs it for work, but he needs it everyday. The only quality time I have with him, is when he takes the medicine on the weekends. Because during the week, by the time he gets home, he's too tired to have a marriage. It's just email, fishing forums and facebook. I know in my heart he is a really good person and he loves me so I have put up with it.

Sorry to go on and on. But I'll end on a good note, he did say to me yesterday that he did think about what I said (leaving for awhile) and he said he would be devasted, so he is listening to me.

I'm going to work on getting him to visit the site and see what it is all about.

Thanks for reading and helping me.
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  #53  
Old 07-05-10, 10:08 AM
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Re: Love Them

Oh I find it terribly insulting when my husband won't take his meds on the weekends. So you put your best foot forward at work, where you are replaceable and they have no investment in you, but when it comes to me, I get the leftovers? I'm not worth swallowing a pill for, because my value is less than that of whatever VP's butt you're trying to kiss this week?

Where will that VP be when you need someone to wipe the drool off your chin? Where is that VP when you're sick in the middle of the night and need someone to run out and get you some medicine? Yet HE'S the one you care about enough to take the meds and make sure you're focused and engaged?

It seems to be pretty common though. They don't seem to understand that their relaxing time will be much more relaxing if a happy spouse is a part of it. Except when my husband does take his meds, he agrees that we have a much better time. Then he doesn't take them again. I don't get it.

I'm mad at mine today too.
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  #54  
Old 07-05-10, 01:47 PM
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Re: Love Them

It is way too common for a person with ADHD to assume that they don't need medication for anything but their work environment. Sometimes it is because they don't connect feeling distracted and disconnected at home with consequence. My view is that I have ADHD every day so I need to manage it every day.

Let hubby know that his refusal to take medication at home has a negative affect on your relationship- from him not being able to connect properly to the fact that you feel unimportant and relegated to "less than" status. Not saying it will change the world but he might start thinking.
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Old 07-05-10, 02:24 PM
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Re: Love Them

Maybe he could agree to taking them on Saturday only and still having Sunday for the med holiday?

(ps I don't suppose this thread could get split eh? It 4 pages long and no longer on topic with the OP)
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Old 07-05-10, 02:27 PM
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Re: Love Them

wow I love this post! My boyfriend refuses to go on meds at all.......I've spent the last month nagging him and complaining and getting upset with him and have just now realized that it is not the way to go with ADHDers. I'm really trying to learn different strategies to communicate with him, so please let me know what all works for you! Otherwise we just argue, I don't let things go and then he gets very angry. Then a switch goes off and it's like I've lost him for a day or so and it feels like he doesn't love me anymore over a stupid fight. But he always comes back to me. lately it's like I've been pushing him farther and farther away from me. I don't want to lose him or what we have, and there seems to be some good strategies on this site that I will have to try!
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Old 07-20-10, 04:48 PM
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Re: Love Them

This is so beautiful!
Thank you for this post.
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Old 11-09-10, 12:20 AM
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Re: Love Them

wow, that was very moving... thank you. It sure puts things in perspective.... You have a beautiful story.
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Old 12-11-10, 02:54 PM
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Re: Love Them

my boyfriend of a year and half just broke up with me out of the blue. he said that he felt bad for always disapointing me, and felt bad when I felt bad. the other day he went to the doctor and they think he has ADD. I have been since reading things on here, and its like my own thought and feelings were on display right before my eyes. i could never rely on him, he constantly forgot things, thinkgs I had said, things he promised he'd do, he's always late, and although he is the smartest person I know, he has no drive when it comes to school. at the beginning of each semester he would be so gung ho, then a few months in, he would just give up. he would act weird in social settings, and drinks pretty frequently. the thing is, we never knew what was wrong with him, while we were together, and now that we know, I just want him back. I know he still loves me, and its just reacting to the stress and depression that he gets because he is always letting himself, me or others down. i'e always been very supportive of him, and if i could count the number of times, I have rolled my eyes at him. but I love him more then anything in the world, and I know we can work this out, I just don't know how to handle it. I know I need to give him space, understand and support, but i also want him to know I am here for him, no matter what. what do I do?
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Old 12-11-10, 03:01 PM
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Re: Love Them

Normal Mom's OP brought me to tears.

I'm so sorry, NM.

Thank you for loving someone so much. I sure hope he knows just how fortunate he really is to have you.

I need another tissue.
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