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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #61  
Old 12-11-10, 11:07 PM
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metzfanaz metzfanaz is offline
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Re: Love Them

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Originally Posted by eblatz View Post
my boyfriend of a year and half just broke up with me out of the blue. he said that he felt bad for always disapointing me, and felt bad when I felt bad. the other day he went to the doctor and they think he has ADD. I have been since reading things on here, and its like my own thought and feelings were on display right before my eyes. i could never rely on him, he constantly forgot things, thinkgs I had said, things he promised he'd do, he's always late, and although he is the smartest person I know, he has no drive when it comes to school. at the beginning of each semester he would be so gung ho, then a few months in, he would just give up. he would act weird in social settings, and drinks pretty frequently. the thing is, we never knew what was wrong with him, while we were together, and now that we know, I just want him back. I know he still loves me, and its just reacting to the stress and depression that he gets because he is always letting himself, me or others down. i'e always been very supportive of him, and if i could count the number of times, I have rolled my eyes at him. but I love him more then anything in the world, and I know we can work this out, I just don't know how to handle it. I know I need to give him space, understand and support, but i also want him to know I am here for him, no matter what. what do I do?
If I was him, this is what I would want to hear.
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  #62  
Old 08-01-11, 11:24 AM
Niecy2 Niecy2 is offline
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Re: Love Them

I'm new here and I needed to read this. Thank you. I am trying to make adjustments to the future we are going to have, which isn't a sure one. I have a man who looks at me with adoring eyes and says all the right things but struggles to do what needs to be done on a daily basis.

I'm going to be mindful of this post daily.
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  #63  
Old 12-27-11, 03:48 PM
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Re: Love Them

This is such a beautiful post, and all the replies have been so enlightening. I just wish that my husband would get some help in diagnosing his ADD, so that we can work things out.
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  #64  
Old 07-22-12, 01:14 PM
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Re: Love Them

Wow, this is a beautiful post for both the ADDer and the spouse. Sometimes we get caught up in the things that don't matter. Thank you for posting.
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  #65  
Old 02-11-13, 06:21 PM
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Re: Love Them

i sometimes amaze myself at my stupidity, but over the years it started to amuse me, somehow i became more confident with age, i have to accept beind a bit daft, so i dont try hide it, i just laugh at it, i prefer being laughed with than laughed at. i suppose at my age i could be called eccentric. i'm not sure what it is, but i know there is something i'm good at, maybe there is more than one thing, i could talk for england i know that, i wish i could listen to someone talking to me, but i never spend time with many people and i never get into conversation.
me and my wife have been together 46 years now, we married twice and have the weirdest relationship, we do nothing together, she has her friends and we dont share them.
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  #66  
Old 05-04-15, 03:14 PM
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Re: Love Them

This was so beautiful. My husband has lung cancer so this is all totally raw for me. Yeah, I get it. and I want to share that we wasted 15 years of bitter fighting, but in the end, I'm so happy he gets to witness my recovery from this invisible disorder i have. Every day is so joyful compared to before! I told him that I know it sounds terrible, but I am so happy now with him. It's worth it, the diagnosis of cancer, if that was what it took to get me to be able to focus on him again and rediscover how I feel about him as a person. And strangely, in such a disturbing message (to say I'm so happy precisely during a time of his potentially terminal illness?) .... there is a reception he takes to my words and he competely understands. All the serious hateful scary type of "blame" is gone now. He knows that I'm devastated at his physical condition and I'm strangely devastated while also terrifically happy to just have RESOLUTION finally with a human being. TO move from the darkest night to suddenly a glorious morning... it's almost a non-issue that he's about to possibly leave me. I think we are just protected from that awareness yet, as we reconnect and enjoy things like talking late at night without any conflict or stress, or watching movies again and laughing (sometimes laughing at how I can't seem to keep my mouth shut during a movie!) and enjoying our beautiful child together.

Literally everything else drops away. If the fights come again, there is instant recognition that it's not worth it and there are no hard feelings.

I regret so much that I didn't know of my ADHD sooner, maybe 10 years ago. We could have done so much. Right now I'm sitting in a new house that is already very dirty and disorganized. And all I can do is focus on the day and my husband, and somehow I get the necessary cleaning done to sanitize and have a healthy meal. It's about all I can manage, other than helping my beautiful kid too.

My husband is telling me that I am a beautiful person again, how much he loves me, how much he appreciates me. As disorganized, irresponsible and messy I am, I am a person who will be with you through illness, mental illness, anything. I don't leave people who I managed to connect with, despite the cost.

All the negativity I endured in the past 6 months drove me to the point of finally being willing to open my eyes and examine myself. To stop blaming other people and to stop using my feelings as excuses (I feel sick today, I have a migraine, I'm exhausted, etc)

Yes this is why I'm here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Normal Mom View Post
I hated it. Broken promises, bills not getting paid on time, I hated renting and not owning a home, I hated having dirty laundry on the floor, I hated being interrupted, I hated not being the center of his world, I hated socks that don't match, I hated having stuff on the coffee table.
I hated it so much it started to eat me up. Until all I was, all I had, was anger and bitterness and resentment.
Then he got sick, really sick and the doctor said he's dying. He has MS.
I am going to watch his body and mind fall apart and have him slip away before our grandchildren are born. I hated that more.
I remembered how much I loved him, how much I needed him, how much he meant to me. I remembered how much I loved how he tickles me awake in the mornings, how he is so silly with the kids and makes them laugh so hard they pee, how he will quit his job and race home to me if I phone him crying over nothing.
I realized that some things really matter. The bills do have to be paid. The rest of it though. It doesn't matter if his socks don't match when he is fighting for his life. It doesn't matter if there is dirty laundry on the floor when he is dying before my eyes. It doesn't matter if there is stuff all over my coffee table when my kids have to watch their Daddy become crippled and die.
My friends who judged me because my house was a mess weren't there for me when we got the MS diagnosis. My family who never liked him because he would blurt out stupid things weren't there for us. The friends who were there for us, like Red, showed up wearing socks that don't match.
We got rid of almost everything. Sold it or gave it away. We stopped eating out and learned to cook healthy food together. We sold the second car and got buss passes and went on transit adventures on the weekend. We bought a tiny house and some land close to the suburbs so one day the developers will want to buy it from me and I can sell it. The mortgage is less than any rent we ever paid.
He taught me how to stop and smell the roses. I taught him to plan for a future without him in it. MS helped that too.
I got over my silly old fashioned ideas about things. That a man should be in charge of finances or be the bread winner. That I need someone else to make me feel good about myself. Stupid. Useless.
All that matters is loving each other for as long as we can. Until the end.
ADD is about living in the moment. Watching your Husband die is about living in the moment. Right now is all that really matters.
I don't want my Husband to lay dying on his hospital bed and feel like a failure because he never got around to fixing the toilet.
I am sorry but this is something I need to say.
Thank you for reading.
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  #67  
Old 05-03-17, 10:04 AM
squirrelbrain squirrelbrain is offline
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Re: Love Them

So beautiful. Thank you.
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