Becoming more socially isolated

[Crazygirl79]

I've found that I'm becoming more and more socially anxious and isolated and I lack interest in making offline associates and friends, I do eventually want to change that but right now I'm not interested in mixing with people and I'm not ready to step out and mingle like I used to.

Unfortunately my last relationship, some failed friendships and even a few online incidences have contributed to that and did more damage than what I was even aware, I'm not at all blaming the relationship or the ex or anything/anyone else but while I was with him I felt inhibited and that I couldn't be myself at all and I have this anxiety that everyone I meet will be like that too but logic tell me that everyone isn't like that at all but that fear is there and won't go away, another thing is my sensory integration issues keep me at home and away from excessive noise.

I'm hanging in limbo in regards to my medications which I'm not having a real blast on at the moment but am slowly sorting that out and as much as I love traveling I'm under a little stress with that too but I'm happy with this aspect of my life.

Now back to the social issues, my mother and others get on my case all the time about my lack of social life which makes me annoyed and resentful as I don't need this, I'm already aware of my issues but I'm not ready to address them yet..sometimes communicating on the internet is better for me at this point and facebook has been a lifesaver to me as I've made my page the way I want it and not how other people want it, yet again I get criticized for my "obsessions" with cats, chihuahuas, traveling, and forgotten 90's music hits etc so I don't win.

My question is why do people have to worry about someone else's life and what goes on in it when it has nothing to do with them??? because that's whats happening to me at the moment and I wish people would mind their own business!!!!! I know people mean well and are trying to help but it's not help if someone doesn't want it at this point!

What I'm looking for is sound advice and brief personal stories about this kind of thing and those who want to criticize or lecture...stick it because I'm not interested! I just want someone to tell me that they too have been through something similar and what they did about it.

On a happier note I'm remaining very focused on my traveling and establishing my new career in Veterinary Nursing (actual traineeship starts next year) and I haven't suffered depression in almost 3 weeks and I haven't even been medicated for that but have employed other tactics to keep it at bay and they're working.

Selena

[mADD mike]

Why do people have to worry about someone else's life and what goes on in it when it has nothing to do with them???

I have no idea. It seems that often those that want to butt in and try to tell you how to live your life, when you didn't ask, often have their own messes that they would do well to pay attention to. Maybe that's it. Maybe some people are distracting themselves from their own problems in life by looking at yours and getting involved there, instead of in their own.

Anyway, I don't probably have the answers you seek, but I feel your pain at times and hope you feel better about all of this. I've gone through some particularly rough patches where I didn't want to really even leave the house or do anything with anyone. It all just seemed like too much to do. I guess my only advice is something that I've found lately has helped me a bit. I have been socializing in situations that I feel I have more control over. I pick a place that I feel comfortable going to (not a fan of loud noises and such myself) and ask someone that I'm comfortable with to go. Maybe it is just my wife and I going out to eat somewhere with another couple that we know well enough to be comfortable around. It doesn't involve anything more than a meal and some conversation, something I can handle, and then we part ways. It is a small thing, but keeps me from total isolation, and makes me want to do more when naturally I might be inclined to keep to myself.

Small steps. Find someone you're comfortable with (family or friends, just keep it to one or two people tops), and go do something that limits the expectations like a meal (you know where you will eat, know that it will only last a little while, etc.) and try that. It keeps you in the loop to some point.

Sometimes people on facebook or myspace or whatever that know you will be more likely to say something that they wouldn't tell you to your face. Those sites make things more impersonal. So, they can tease you about your "obsessions" without feeling bad like they might in person. I stay away from those sites.

I hope this didn't come off like a lecture. It wasn't intended to be. Just trying to offer some help from my experience.

Congrats on the new career direction, and since it has to do with animals (which is a passion of yours), I'm sure you'll do very well. Also, congrats on knocking back the depression for a while. It is hard to see past it sometimes.

Do what makes YOU happy, it is your life. Those that want to criticize don't have to live with the decisions you make, you do. I'm glad that you say you are finding some happiness. We all need that. I've found some lately as well, and I had forgot what it was like.

Mike

[Crazygirl79]

Thanks for your post Mike, it's not anyone on facebook thats bothering me...in fact most of them are just as insanely obsessed about cats and true crime etc as I am hence the reason I enjoy my facebook interactions. It's the people I know in real life that are giving me the sh*ts. I have a myspace account but I barely use it and I don't have a lot of interest in it anyway. I just recieved a nice email from a fellow aussie forum member saying that they'd like to catch up which is nice to hear and I will take that up when I'm able to as I'm aware I have to make an effort to get back into the swing off things at some point but for now I'm ok.

[CircularingCats]

Hi Selena,

First off, I feel for your frustration. Like Mike said, people ought to mind their own business and often when they don't it's because they just don't know better. Sometimes others simply want to "help" and sometimes others feel like they "know" better and want to let you know that they can "help" you.

What you're dealing with, feeling dragged down by a lack of friends with similar interests is actually quite common -- and one that I myself am dealing with right now. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about what type of things you're interested in and if people should comment on those interests, you'd be best to simply ignore them as best you can. I think your interests are all quite okay, nothing bizarre or something you should lose your self-esteem over.

It sort of sounds like you need to develop a thicker skin (I do, too!) and not let others in the world bug you. You have a right to a place in this world just as well as anyone else, and hopefully as peacefully as possible.

If it counts any, I also lovvvvvve talking about cats and knowing them and everything else about them, and people in my real life know this. Most just roll their eyes sometimes and the others agree that cats can be quite a wonderful experience. As for being interested in true crime, that is another area I am interested in. I watch crime types of dramas on TV, and follow crime stories in the paper. It's all very engaging, and I can see why you may like this. But as for following 90s music, I guess I'd have to opt out. I don't follow music much at all, because I am a deaf person.

Anyways, don't despair. I think you're cool. And if you need time to socially segregate yourself from others until you better gather your bearings, so be it!



Cats

[ADHDTigger]

Selena, the world is an interesting place.

I too, love cats and love crime- to the point that I have been actively pursuing forensics for many years now. I'm a loser with music because what I like is founded in my faith- except for that recording of Crazy Train that I love to crank up every now and again...

There have been many times in my life when it has become necessary for me to cut out the world because MY world got to be more than I could manage. I think that it is something that happens for people with ADHD. I think it was Meadd who put it best, "Oh dear, my 'give a shait" seems to be broken". I do the best I can with what I have. Some days are better than others.

What I have found is that there are times when I desperately need someone to please just understand. That's all. Just understand. Let me feel how I feel and say what I need to say and understand. Not necessarily buy into it, just validate the me that is ME. When I am desperately seeking that and can't find it, I find that I don't want to deal with anyone.

Try to remember- although it can be the hardest thing in the world- that you and only YOU live in your skin. You are the only one who knows- REALLY knows how you feel. Others might have opinions but only YOU know what you need.

I wish there were answers. Me? I am fresh out of those. About the best I can offer is to tell you that you aren't nuts, you aren't weird, you aren't a loser and that cats and forensics are cool. For all I know, 90s music is too. And Chihuahuas.

Want to have some fun? Google "Pallas Cats". About the size of a house cat but definitely more "hunter". Not ferocious/wild like a tiger or a lion. Just... very much their own cat. I saw a group of them at a zoo recently and started studying them. They remind me a lot of people like us.

[Asylum]

I think people will start telling overstepping thier boundaries when they know they will get away with it. Even those who would consider themselves loving friends or family. I've noticed it often. If you're the type of person who would put themselves down - in even just the smallest ways - or allows people to get away with things or comments that they shouldn't, they will run a mile with it. People notice the most subtle things about you, body language etc, without even thinking much about it, and will treat you accordingly.
Be carefull of how you present yourself, because it absolutely dictates how others will treat you.

A lot of your life actually seems to be going well. Give yourself credit, be proud of your interests and the things you have achieved. Don't be afraid to talk yourself up around others.

[Normal Mom]

Your Mother and friends are worried for you and are trying to show interest in your life. If they did not care about you they would not say or do anything at all. If they are going about it the wrong way then you must tell them gently to butt out and suggest a different way to show they care.

My Mother is a very nosey and bossy person herself. She has some old fashioned views about things and often looks down her nose at people as well. She used to ask me about my marriage all the time and I felt that she was trying to control me and turn my marriage into her marriage. After one very bad argument she wrote me an email expressing how she was simply worried about myself and my family and was showing that concern in the only way she knew how, by butting-in and being bossy.

I had to accept the fact that everyone has their own characters flaws and often are doing the best they can, which might be the "wrong way" but that's better than not caring or trying at all.

Perhaps next time your Mother asks you about your social life you could simply tell her that you are okay with being the sort of person who only has a few friends, that you are are going through some things right now and don't need the additional drain of a busy social life. Ask her if maybe she could not ask you about that anymore and just offer to take you out to the movies instead?

[MIADD]

Originally Posted by CircularingCats

You have a right to a place in this world just as well as anyone else

I think this is true and liked being reminded of it. I have felt isolated for a while and it can sometimes be hard not to feel like there is something wrong with you. Many people have relentlessly tried helping, but I find it ends up making me feel worse when they don't seem to respect that you can take care of yourself.

[ADHDTigger]

I was reminded of this piece that everyone probably already knows, but is worth the read, regardless. I did not author this.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

[excel]

As long as your not lacking in low self confidence and lack self confidence you doing fine.

[Crazygirl79]

Thank you all for your helpful posts, I think I've become this way a little due to a broken relationship that was bad for me, loss of a valued friendship (person didn't bother to explain why they ended it despite attempts on my part to get closure) and also being humiliated when I told a long term friend that I "liked" him which he didn't handle well...yes I know that's NOT my problem but still it's difficult to get through but I'm a strong and normally positive person who WILL get through this and I guess I will make new friends....I already am making new friends, I even plan on meeting some of those friends which is great (there are some old friends from here I still want to meet someday too!)

I'm off to Townsville which is north of Brisbane to housesit and work for the RSPCA for 8 weeks before I come back to Brisbane for another 4 week housesit (both housesits have animals for me to care for and there's even a CHIHUAHUA who is very loving) before going to Sydney (Sydney is interstate for those who don't know where Syd is) to do my 12 month long Veterinary Nursing Traineeship and my 12 month Remedial Massage qualifications.

I shall be back on before Christmas.

I'M STILL DEPRESSION FREE!!

Selena

[Legault]

To be honest, I do what you described quite a lot, while it IS in your power to just say "I need to do this, so I'll do it", that can be very difficult as it's something like your brain arguing with itself. I do that occasionally and end up having a great day and going to sleep feeling enlightened just to wake up the next day back to square one. I guess it's about self control, but medications that help with this are available (anti-depressants do not work for me, nor do anti psychotics. Clonazepam did help quite abit, but you're not supposed to take it with dexedrine and maybe other add meds) .