Stressful 2nd pregnancy turning me into a terrible mother - please help?!

[vixthenomad]

I have a serious problem...I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my second child and have been having HORRIBLE mood swings. Most of the time I am OK, but occasionally it all gets too much and I end up crying hysterically, slamming doors and screaming over tiny little things. I never did this before this pregnancy, not even the first time around. This is an extremely stressful pregnancy; I've been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes which I'm having a really tough time controlling and I have to do skin prick tests 4 times a day which make me very anxious and stressed; my mood seems so largely to depend on what my glucose reading is, it's ridiculous. If it's too high I feel on edge, panicky and tearful, because I'm so worried that my secondborn will have problems when he's born as a result of my failure to control the diabetes (could end up having to go into special care baby unit and be put on a drip if his blood sugar is affected by mine...too scary to even think about). I've just increased my medication to the maximum possible dose; if this doesn't work I have nowhere to go but to start taking insulin and I REALLY don't want this. As it is the skin prick tests hurt and I hate taking medication when there's a baby inside me who is effectively 'taking' it as well.

The trouble is that my daughter gets the brunt of all this. She still seems to love and trust me which is nice in a way but just makes me feel even more guilty in other ways. But I often find myself getting snappish and irritable with her and there have been a few occasions where I have lost my temper, screamed, shouted at and even hit her. Once I even marked her cheek; I tell you what, I nearly turned myself in to social services on the spot for that one. As it happens, I confessed what had happened to my husband and he assured me he thinks I'm a good mum with a lot on my plate. But I don't feel that way. My daughter's such a sweet kid as well, when I cry she goes and gets me a tissue and gives me cuddles and tells me she loves me. She doesn't deserve such an angry, horrible mum. I feel like the worst mother ever, especially that I would let it get so out of hand as to slap her around the face...it's like a monster takes over and I stop being me when these rages overtake me. I ALWAYS apologise to her, tell her I was wrong to act that way and explain that I lost control and that I still love her, which doesn't make it OK but hopefully limits damage a bit. This has happened 2 or 3 times this pregnancy now, most recent was today; and I have no idea who I'm meant to talk to about this other than a load of anonymmous strangers on the internet because surely any health professional or whoever would just go 'bad mother' and I really don't want to lose my kid because I love her, so so much. Worst thing is, my mum used to PUNCH me around the head when I was naughty as a kid and I always swore I'd never hit my kids, and now I feel like I'm turning into her. (Except she never apologised for it and it happened all the time, but then maybe she started out like me.)

So, whilst many of you will probably respond with 'you're an evil woman' type of answers, I bet nobody can possibly say anything worse to me than I've said to myself. If anyone out there can empathise with what I'm going through or actually offer constructive advice that would be great. Many thanks in advance.

Oh yeah, and I've started having violent dreams as well. The last one I had, I was watching my own body being hacked into several pieces. Nice. I'm thinking there's a definite connection between this and the rages dueing the day. I just want to make it all stop and turn back into MYSELF again.

[MuscleMama]

Hang in there, you're already 37 weeks - it's the home stretch now. Being pregnant was the most miserable experience of my life. Sometimes I can't believe I did it twice! I suffered terribly from depression during my pregnancies and had to go on Prozac during my second pregnancy. My older son definitely suffered when mommy could barely drag herself out of bed and function for weeks at a time. My motto to myself was: "Take me outside and shoot me." Nice, right?

Even though it felt like an eternity at the time, it really is just a short blip in time, especially to your daughter. She will get over this quicker than you can imagine, just like kids do with most things. Once the baby is here everything will change (understatement of the year ). Hopefully your mood will improve quickly once your hormones change.

We're made to think pregnancy is this magical, fairytale experience - but for many it just plain SUCKS big time. You are human and you have weaknesses. You are a mom and moms are supposed to be flawless. Guess what? It doesn't add up. Beating yourself up is only adding to your negative column which is the last thing you deserve or need right now.

After your daughter goes to bed tonight take a nice long soak in the tub and go to bed early. Try to schedule a prenatal massage for yourself soon. Have dad or a grandparent or a trusted babysitter spend some extra fun time with your daughter in these last few weeks while you rest as much as possible. You are not superwoman and you don't have to be. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for everything you've gotten thru so far - it's a LOT!

You really are almost at the end, just a few more weeks. You are a good person and a good mom who obviously loves her daughter immensely. You are going thru a rough patch, but there is an end in sight. Hang in there!

[Lady Lark]

You're not horrible, you have what amounts to a parasite that effects every last everything about your body. Pregnancy really does a number, not only on your body, but your mind as well. All those extra hormones floating around, destroying what balance you once had, and that's with a "normal" pregnancy. Add any type of complications to it and the stress doesn't help at all.

The only thing I would suggest is that if you're having these awful dreams, I would mention to you ob. Mental illness and pregnancy are very common, and not to be take lightly.

[MGDAD]

Have you had counseling on how to control your blood sugar through diet? My daughter rages when her blood sugar is low. Your blood sugar level really does affect the way your brain works. You need good protein with every meal. Not too many carbs.

[Lady Lark]

Good point mgdad. My sister is hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) and boy does she get *****y when she needs to eat. So much so that it's a running gag with all our friends.

[vixthenomad]

Thank you all for your help. I was on antidepressants before I got pregnant and I've now started taking them again; hopefully that will help.

Yes, I've had dietary advice which I'm following as best I can (no angel though!), and perhaps when I get irritable next time I should check to see when I last ate.

[Jillette]

I would say the hormones have taken over and you are stressed out. I would get your hubby to help out more or someone you trust so your daughter is kept busy and out of your hair a respite is what you need. On the Social Services note they would refer you to respite and link you to services to help so you would not be in any trouble we are there to help. As for the diabetes I have diabetes before my pregnancy with my child if that is part of what is stressing you. AS for the special care unit it is only a precaution and they only check the babies sugar for a day or two depending really it is no big deal. I have been diabetic since I was 17. My girl is now 10 and very healthy and active No diabetes so relax on that.