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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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Old 11-29-09, 07:44 PM
jmsmom jmsmom is offline
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argumentative

Is arguing part of the symptoms of ADHD? Our son seems to argue with everything we say. He interrupts and talks out of turn and begins to argue with us over anything that we may be talking about. I believe this is part of his problem with making and keeping friends. They get tired of arguing with him and just need a break from him. I know I do!
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Old 11-30-09, 07:52 AM
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Re: argumentative

My daughter has ODD attached so for me this is hard to tell but what we do is set limits and I tell her when we are done discussing something and i put consequences in place if she continues. If it is something very important you can suspend privilages and he will have to earn it back by showing you the behavior you want to see and it gives him the power to decide the when and how long his favorite thing will be off limits if he refuses to listen then it will take him longer. It is not easy and as my mother always said "Rome was not built in a day" (G-D rest her soul I miss her daily).
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Old 11-30-09, 08:55 AM
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Re: argumentative

Our therapist has mentioned that my son ( 8 with ADH'd) may have ODD behaviors. We are not sure how to handle this or how it works with the ADHD, does it make it worse, do you treat it differently? I think he probably does have it because he is so defiant and argumentative, with EVERTTHING!
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Old 11-30-09, 11:24 AM
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Re: argumentative

With ODD folks I find reverse psychology actually works.
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Old 11-30-09, 01:48 PM
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Re: argumentative

Hi! hang in there he needs you!

Not that I don't understand your frustration! I have a 9 year old son with ADHD and he has never stopped arguing since he uttered his first word. Thats what it seems anyway. I have ADHD also but I wasn't diagnosed until a couple of years ago. I remember being an argumentative child. I also remember feeling that people were not really "getting" what I was feeling and or thinking. Being able to articulate our thoughts is hard at best. Impossible sometimes. I have a hard time, so I know my son does too. As for arguing being a part of ADHD my opinion is yes, it is. It goes with the impulsive issues and our "racing" brain. If we can get a hold of a thought, it is sometimes blurted out. Thinking before speaking is a trait that we ADHD folks have to learn. I unfortunately had to learn this lesson the hard way, loosing friends, jobs, respect. I also think that it becomes easier with age. Your child has a good head start because you caught his ADHD at the perfect time. GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I know how hard the process is, how hard it is at times to live with your child. Don't beat your self up for feeling that way. Its a GOOD thing you know you need a break. Make sure you take them too. You will a much better mother and person for it. Getting frustrated with your son will only get him frustrated. Being frustrated for a person with ADHD is like turning out the lights in our brain. Thats especially true for kids. It exacerbates their symptoms.

Most of us with ADHD, whether we are diagnosed, treated and or medicated, miss alot of social clues. As a child with ADHD this is especially true. An example may be, he can't see when he is interupting, in his mind he is simply adding to the conversation. I know my son seems to be arguing with me every time he opens his mouth. I know he is not arguing for the sake of arguing. He just doesn't get the social "rules" yet. He can't remember them, especially with the racing thoughts.

That being said, It is our responsibility to raise our child like any other. Rules are still rules, manners are still manners. It just takes the patients of a saint to teach them. We have to try not to get ****ed off and yell at them for their repeated and repeated and repeated interruptions and "arguing" . We do however need to let them know that it is not ok, appropriate, good manners etc. to interrupt and "talk back". I will tell my son (10 times a day I swear AAAGGGG!) :

"Son, I do want to hear what you have to say, it is really important to me, but right now I am: talking on the phone, talking to dad, asking you to put your shoes away, go wash your hands etc.. After you do that, or after I get done speaking to so and so I would love to hear what you have to tell me! Please don't interrupt when people are talking, on the phone etc. I know you have better manners than that, now please just do what I asked you."

Notice that I don't use any negativity. I don't say "you have bad manners" or "I don't care what you want right now!"

It is really, really hard hour after hour, day after day. But they are worth it! Your patients and hard work may not show up at home anytime soon. But the first time some one tells you " your son was so good, he has great manners" you will see the fruits of your labor. I knew that if he was being "good" and polite away from home I was doing it right. Try and remember, your son uses all his energy being a "good boy" at school. Coming home should be a great relief for them. Some one at home should "get him".
I don't know your situation, but I used to make my son literally run home from school. It gets alot of pent up energy and frustration out. Try having him do something really physically draining when he gets to be a handful.
Yours son is still really young. Try to only give him one task at a time. If you tell him "go put your shoes in your room and bring me your home work" thats one to many, he will most likely forget one of them or get caught up in his own head. When he accomplishes the one task, tell him "great job, now please bring me your home work". Praise works better than punishment for any child. Praise is the ONLY thing that works for a child with ADHD. We know, even at a young age, that we are different somehow. Self-esteem issues are huge with us. Your relationship with your son will grow so much closer if you use these tactics. He would rather please you than **** you off, I promice. Let me say it again, your son does NEED to learn manners, and social skills and responsibility. He may be accepted the way he is as a child, but without these skills, your right, he will loose friends. His adolescent and adult peers won't put up with him.

What a great mom you are for noticing and addressing this issue. You are right on and right on track. Good luck and good patients!!!

P.S. I just read your other posts, getting meds right is a huge challenge too. My son takes 54mg of concerta extended release. It lasts until about 7pm so we can get his home work done too. With his doctors permission we give him 5mg of melatonin an hour before bed time. Works wonders. Please check with your doctor before giving him anything. (I had to say it sorry) Melatonin is a natural sleep aid found in the vitamin area of your local drug store. It said on the bottle not to give to children under 12. I use it to sleep. Thats why I asked his doctor first.
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Last edited by leapofaith; 11-30-09 at 01:58 PM.. Reason: added P.S.
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Old 11-30-09, 03:09 PM
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Re: argumentative

Quote:
Originally Posted by leapofaith View Post
Hi! hang in there he needs you!

I also remember feeling that people were not really "getting" what I was feeling and or thinking. Being able to articulate our thoughts is hard at best. Impossible sometimes. I have a hard time, so I know my son does too.



If we can get a hold of a thought, it is sometimes blurted out. Thinking before speaking is a trait that we ADHD folks have to learn.



Being frustrated for a person with ADHD is like turning out the lights in our brain. Thats especially true for kids. It exacerbates their symptoms.



he can't see when he is interupting, in his mind he is simply adding to the conversation.

I can't add anything to this post it's excellent. I will say that as an adult, when excited I STILL experience all of this.
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Old 11-30-09, 08:42 PM
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Re: argumentative

Thank you so much for the replies guys!!! I was crying while reading them just knowing that someone else can relate totally to what we are going through.....Our son is the sweetest boy and so bright but can be the most argumentative and talking non-stop little person there is. Some days we can deal with it fairly well, but other days you just want to scream for peace and sanity...

It has totally disrupted our family dynamics, our older two children (18 and 16) just want to get away. They know the situation but just can only deal with it for so long. Our daughter is off to college now which leaves the 16 year old son at home. He will be going to therapy with us because he just doesn't get it. He deals with our son as if he were normal with no issues. I think he will benefit from going in alot of ways.

I am Hanging In There! but it sure isn't easy. I would do anything it takes to help our son and will continue to stay on the path......It is great to hear such supporting words!
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Old 12-01-09, 08:18 PM
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Re: argumentative

Hi jmsmom, I can tell you are still overwhelmed. Hey, thats ok. All the things I was able to tell you about didn't happen over night. I still, even though I KNOW these things, cannot apply them to every argument or interruption. If I did, I would be repeating the same paragraph from my first breath in the morning to my last before sleep. That doesn't make me a bad mom. I am human. The fact that you are willing to learn and do the best you can makes you a good mom.
Sadly, I also leaned most of this from being brought up by a mother that was oblivious to anything other than herself. Alot of what I have come to learn and do comes from simply NOT doing what she did to me. My childhood was abusive at best.

Be kind to your 16 year old. You cannot ask a "child" to be an adult. His brain is literally not done growing yet. The majority of people with ADD have a hard time grasping this disorder. Think about how many of us are on this forum, how many questions we ask each other. How few answers there are. I don't want you to set him up for failure, in his mind or yours. He simply may never be able to grasp the concept of ADD. To ask him to now, when adolescents, already think they" are the only one" " no one ever understands me " "you forgot what is like to be young". The phase of teens being so "self-centered" is hell, but is part of growing up and a developing brain. I hope I'm not out-of-bounds with this advice, I mean well.

I was wondering, have you decided to use ADHD medication? If so, what was he prescribed, how much? If not, what are the alternatives you have tried?
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Last edited by leapofaith; 12-01-09 at 08:18 PM.. Reason: type-oops
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