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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 12-22-09, 09:33 PM
lychweake lychweake is offline
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The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

Its been a few years since going "cold turkey" and becoming drug free (except for taking adderall..hehe)One thing for sure is since then is that now I dont go to bars or party, its quite lonesome out there.

Anyways, have any of you folks that are now sober and drug free find its much more difficult to meet people/friends?? Other than going to "coffee houses", cant think of any other environments, well except for some "church function" to where clean/sober young folks gather at
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Old 12-22-09, 10:37 PM
musicpainter musicpainter is offline
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

I know what you mean. I've been clean (and voluntarily gave up alcohol when I went to detox/rehab for drugs) for 10 1/2 months. I no longer go to bars, I moved back to my home city, my friends have graduated and moved to other cities, etc.

I also feel some friends (and sister and brother) don't invite me out to bars because they know I don't drink. I understand and am appreciative but even just the invitation would be nice sometimes. Or I am invited to a party but keep turning down drinks and I think people take that the wrong way and I don't get invited back.

I have a few friends who don't mind. They invite me along and I love that. I haven't been to a bar since I have been clean though and I've been to a few parties and family functions where people were drinking and I'm not going to lie, it's been hard at times.

But it's so hard to meet people. Since most 23 year olds are hanging out at bars and parties, I never meet people. It does get quite lonely at times. And since I just transferred colleges, this past term I took mostly lower level classes so I didn't meet anyone my age. It was me and a bunch of 18 year olds. Which is nice, but I feel like I'm a million years older than them. I've been in college 6 years now, they're in their first year.

I'm hoping that this coming term when I'm in higher classes with my own age range I can meet more people. Or when I can get a job somewhere. I want be able to go out and meet people. I, like you, don't know where to go...
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Old 12-22-09, 11:59 PM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

What about picking up a hobby you've been interested in? Local adult education programs usually have hobby type classes at night for very little money. Photography, volleyball, creative writing...
What about joining a local gym or ymca type place. Or maybe volunteer at a local hospital.
It will get easier, you just have to put yourself in places where there are people who's life doesn't revolve around partying.
Good luck!
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Old 12-23-09, 12:10 AM
atrain atrain is offline
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

Try a new activity you would enjoy. Look online and newspapers there is something out there for you. It is good music painter that you no longer drink. Your friends support you is a good thing and find different places to hang out- libraries, exercise, museums, coffee houses, and other places to hang out. Not all people in their 20's just go to bars.
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Old 12-25-09, 10:47 AM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

True that not all 20 something year olds like going to bars etc. But point is, I, and some more people here I guess, don't really mind going to bars etc., it's just that we don't always want to drink. Whereas in college a lot of people just seem to be out to get as much alcohol in as fast as possible. And if that's not really your aim, well then people quickly consider you to be a bit strange .

For me personally alcohol just doesn't really do that much. Doesn't really loosen me up or anything, if anything, especially beer, just makes me kind of numbed down. That and it merely causes me to have a very undeep, irregular sleep. And well sorry but I don't really feel like drinking just because all the other people do that and need it to loosen up and enjoy themselves. Cause for me it just doesn't do that, plus it merely makes me feel like crap. Anyhow, the coffee house thing is a good idea, or libraries sometimes. I started studying for my exams in the faculty library some time ago and you get in contact with many more people from your year that you normally don't meet, and turns out I really like a lot of them. So I know hanging around in the library doesn't really sound like the most fun way of spending the evening, but sometimes you just meet people you like being around in there .

Now I know I'm just 21 and due to some irregular choices of my college major I'm only in year two of my current major, I can understand why you would feel alienated when sitting in a room with only 18 year olds. I mean, they're basically still kids (although I must admit, I think the same thing about a lot of older people I meet as well.) Would just try to keep an open mind and meet people that you get along with, despite their age, cause as far as I notice age doesn't really matter that much. Sure 18 year olds are inexperienced with a lot of things, but a lot of the basic characteristics of a person that you either like or dislike don't really fundamentally change throughout the years as far as I've noticed. I can like an 18 year old or a 30 year old just as much.
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Old 12-25-09, 11:49 AM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

Do you mean quality or quanity?
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Old 12-25-09, 01:54 PM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

I am not sure what you mean. Libraries are quiet and is easier to study in.
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Old 12-25-09, 02:04 PM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

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Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
Do you mean quality or quanity?
Good point. This will be my 5th year sober and one of the things that I've noticed is that the quality of my friendships have gone up, when I'm not depressed at least. The quantity of my friendships have decreased dramatically. I pretty much had to start from scratch. Your true friends will still be there. This also open you up to better more healthier forms of socializing. You also will save tons of money by not having to buy drinks all the time. Because ADHD usually brings with it different forms of anxiety (one of which can be social anxiety), it may make it more difficult to socialize. In that case, you may want to see about getting some meds.
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Old 12-28-09, 03:40 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

I stopped drinking at the end of last year and it certanly helped my financial position.

socially it's been a double edged sword.... as thehaze faded I started to realise that I'd been hanging around with quite a few toxic people over the years, which hadn't been doing me any good at all.

Now I'm finding I'm on my own alot more.... something that I really couldn't deal with when I was younger.... which is one of the reasons I drank in the first place.

It's going to take a while to be used to my own company... but I think it'll be worth it in the long run.

I'll be self aware AND happy in my own skin.... and I'm thinking that's a far better place to be when good people walk up and say "Hi".


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Old 12-29-09, 01:06 AM
navyblue navyblue is offline
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

The number of friends I had certainly diminished. It seemed and at times still seems as though I am the only person who does not drink. When people hear that I do not drink, they look at me almost as though I were some sort of outcast. It can definitely be tempting at times to drink especially when your co-workers or whoever else says they're going out and invites you along. I try to think of all the activities that I can do that do not require drinking, and realize that I can have just as much fun without alcohol, such as with hobbies. Then I think of all the downsides of drinking such as, loss of money, loss of memory, not good for liver, hangover, missing half of the following day, not really being there fully and in the moment because I'm intoxicated, etc. I then have to ask myself "Am I doing this because everyone else is and I want to be a part of what everyone else is doing?". Then I also realize that I can go out (preferably with sober people) and enjoy great food from different cultures and countries along with good tasting drinks (non alcoholic of course). There are just so many more things to try. I also realize that I drank during a certain part and time of my life and it was an experience, just an experience, and that I am now ready to move on and experience other things, things that are preferably healthier. The other thing is that when I was drinking I didn't really have any healthy goals and I think that that was part of the problem.
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Old 12-29-09, 01:55 AM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

Isn't ironic that when on quits drinking drunks are not nearly as much fun as they were when you were one of them. . . I think that any time we make some major changes in life whether it is stopping drugs, drinking, getting married, divorced or having kids we go though a dead zone a period where we don't fit into the groups we once did but have not had sufficient time to find other people who represent the "new" way of life - I hope that made sense
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Old 12-29-09, 02:54 AM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

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Originally Posted by meadd823 View Post
I think that any time we make some major changes in life whether it is stopping drugs, drinking, getting married, divorced or having kids we go though a dead zone a period where we don't fit into the groups we once did but have not had sufficient time to find other people who represent the "new" way of life - I hope that made sense
These are very good points indeed!
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Old 12-29-09, 09:31 PM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

One problem with ADHD is 'personal relation', basically, most of us with ADHD see things, life in general differant one reason being that our minds think differant. This means that there is a relational barrior between ourselves and people without ADHD. In the same, there is a personal relation between those who use the same drugs, and when this relation is removed then it is hard to find other's with any relation at all- I was forced to quite smoking quitetly myself and still can't get any meds for ADHD, I started drinking a while even though I always found alcohal to be mostly nastyish as to say, but it's hard to do anything while drinking.
Now I spend my time thinking quietly yet without any drugs, and tring to relay productive things that I think about to those who don't have time to think. Most people rarely have a moment alone, therefore it is up to us 'nuts' to think for them so they don't have to I generally relay my thoughts online with sites such as the one I just started which some of you may relate to yourselves, while on the subject.
That's my personal philospophy!
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Old 01-01-10, 10:02 PM
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Re: The quality of my "social life" has diminished since I've been sober

At our age, drunks are the majority. I had the exact same problem and am still feeling the repercussions to this day. There's no easy answer to the issue you're having, except that you gotta change yourself to see changes in your surroundings and the people in 'em. Take an extra class in something you really like to do. Maybe guitar lessons, welding, electrical, pottery, music, etc. Once you level up your own surroundings, the people in your life sort of naturally follow that rhythm. I also took the approach of getting up earlier so I don't feel the temptation to hit up the bars. Lots of people do lots of things in the mornings, too. Sports, church, shopping, traveling, etc. I personally went the social network route and decided to do the eharmony thing, since I just wasn't interested in meeting anyone at a bar. I met me boyfriend, and now I'm a damn eharmony statistic. LOL. We do a lot of things in the morning since he had a very severe drinking problem too, (he's bipolar,) and now we hike, paint, go out to breakfast, etc, and busy ourselves all day so we're too tired to bar hop. You'll do alright! You just gotta allow yourself to get out there and do it.
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