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  #46  
Old 10-21-12, 10:57 AM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

Unlike most of you I didnīt have anyone telling me that I was failing, wasnīt good enough, so I donīt know if anyone here can relate to what I am going through.

My mum didnīt care whether I went to school or not (she had mental illnesses), she didnīt even wake me up for school or show any interest in me or my life. I think this has had more of an impact on my life than adhd.

My teachers kept saying that I was clever and could go to university so why was I continually disruptive, not paying attention and skipping school. I stopped going to school at 14 and nobody ever said a word to me about it, not social services, parents or teachers. I never failed an exam because I have never taken one. I didnīt realise that I find it so hard to study because I had never tried.

I always believed that I could do anything I wanted to, but that I just chose not to. Now I am realising differently. I donīt have failed dreams or ambitions, I have no dreams or ambitions.

I came to terms with it a long time ago, so this latest adhd diagnosis, really I donīt know what to make of it.
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  #47  
Old 12-07-12, 01:43 AM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

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Originally Posted by LordranBound View Post
I was diagnosed about 3 months ago. I've made a lot of progress over that time; seeing my past through this lens makes things a lot clearer.

Now, I'm grieving. I think the phases blur together a bit, but now I'm definitely grieving. My biggest issues are dealing with the commitments that I made before I knew what the hell was going on.

The big one is my wife. I love her and our child but I wonder if I would've gotten married to her if I had understood myself and my needs a little more clearly. Unfortunately, like so many things in my life, it's water under the bridge. The commitment has been made and breaking it would cause much more harm than good.

We can work on things together, but she's not all that open to such things. On the whole we have a good marriage, but not great. It will be our 1 year old that will keep us together I think.

Sorry, rambling a bit...
My marriage has also taken a beating from my ADHD. I have long figured I was ADHD (since mid-90s), but never realized the extensive ramifications. Knew about the distractions, but didn't realize the other problems, such as a very bad temper, were related to this. My wife has put up with this for 17 years. Nine years ago, she was overwhelmed and left me. After a 3 mo separation, we were happily reunited. This summer, it all built up again, and once more she left. Again, she has returned, but finding our way through this maze of emotions is much more difficult this time, as she (rightly) feels she's been "burned" before. We now have two kids, and I dread the possibility they may grow up in a broken home the way I did. All of this obviously fosters grief, depression and anxiety, a toxic cocktail indeed.
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  #48  
Old 12-18-12, 04:47 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

I cried several times after my diagnosis and treatment. Sometimes it was relief, but other times it was for the years I spent fighting myself, when I didn't even know what I was fighting.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety several times, and gained mild relief with antidepressants, but nothing big. I can now very clearly see how much the ADD contributed to my depression. It is easy to feel like a worthless sack of crap when your head is so chaotic that you can't remember to do basic things every day, and you fail at jobs, etc.

These feelings of worthlessness as a parent nearly drove me to suicide in 2010. I had two beautiful boys and felt so overwhelmed by them that I could barely handle it. The noise, the attempt to keep up with these two tiny lives was just too much for me. I felt like there had to be something severely deficient in me as a mother to feel the way that I did. I wanted to kill myself because I found myself so impatient with them, and was afraid that my negativity would damage them as they grew up.

Having been that low, yeah, I'm grieving now for all of the time that I hated myself, when real help was just one good diagnosis away. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all, and not feel so angry at all of the doctors that I've seen over the years who never once thought to test me for this.
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Old 12-25-12, 01:32 PM
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Smile Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

Leap,
One of my symptoms is the inability to read more than say, 100 words, without completely zoning out and moving on to shorter and more succinct posts. I could not finish reading your post, its sort of like sensory overload to try to absorb all of what you are saying, but I appreciate that you are helping people who are able to get through your whole posting. I will attempt to read it in it's entirety a little bit at a time, LOL!
I am new to this site, and discovering so many people who are like me has made me both happy and sad. I am not alone, but I am alone. Don't know if that makes any sense.
Merry Christmas everyone, we have a white Christmas here in Denver, it's so beautiful!
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Old 01-19-13, 07:11 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

This is my first post and I am certainly in the grief stages right now as a blubber away writing this. Over the last five years or so my life has been unraveling, and over my first semester of graduate school it finished falling apart. I couldn't keep up with my assignments, readings and all my normal responsibilities as an adult. My writing wasn't up to par, it takes me ages to do my readings, trying to concentrate during lectures drives me nuts. I have had problems with depression for the last decade or so, feeling rather rotten about myself, trying to perform at everything at a level I and others thought I should be able to, and usually coming up short. I've always been disorganized, unable to keep track of time, easily distracted, all that ADD stuff. But I thought it was all because I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was lazy and stupid. Anyway, as my semester fell apart, I decided to get help, which led to a diagnosis of ADD probably with a little Dyslexia thrown in. It was a surprise for me, but apparently not to those that are closest to me. I don't know why it was a surprise, my Dad and brother are ADHD and dyslexic, my Mom is pretty sure she is hyperactive. I just wish that my parents had realized a bit earlier in my life that ADD was a problem for me, so that I wouldn't feel so f***ed at 33, and have to deal with this all now. In their defense, my brother had much more severe problems linked to ADHD and his dyslexia, and as I found ways of coping, next to him I wasn't a problem. Anyway, so now I'm on my second day of Adderall, and it makes me feel weird, and i have to explain to my professors why I messed up my semester, why I need extra time, why I should be given a second chance, all the while feeling like a failure, and that maybe its not because I am ADD, but because I suck.
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  #51  
Old 01-28-13, 11:42 AM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

i think i went through a time of feeling sorry for myself. i wont take legal medication, i feel in my mind it will take away my spirit, once i get something in my head i cant shift it, its now been 40 years since i took medication for anything. i dont know if its adhd related but i dont ever grieve, not parents, brother or old friends.
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Old 01-28-13, 04:39 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Akycha View Post
This is my first post and I am certainly in the grief stages right now as a blubber away writing this. Over the last five years or so my life has been unraveling, and over my first semester of graduate school it finished falling apart. I couldn't keep up with my assignments, readings and all my normal responsibilities as an adult. My writing wasn't up to par, it takes me ages to do my readings, trying to concentrate during lectures drives me nuts. I have had problems with depression for the last decade or so, feeling rather rotten about myself, trying to perform at everything at a level I and others thought I should be able to, and usually coming up short. I've always been disorganized, unable to keep track of time, easily distracted, all that ADD stuff. But I thought it was all because I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was lazy and stupid. Anyway, as my semester fell apart, I decided to get help, which led to a diagnosis of ADD probably with a little Dyslexia thrown in. It was a surprise for me, but apparently not to those that are closest to me. I don't know why it was a surprise, my Dad and brother are ADHD and dyslexic, my Mom is pretty sure she is hyperactive. I just wish that my parents had realized a bit earlier in my life that ADD was a problem for me, so that I wouldn't feel so f***ed at 33, and have to deal with this all now. In their defense, my brother had much more severe problems linked to ADHD and his dyslexia, and as I found ways of coping, next to him I wasn't a problem. Anyway, so now I'm on my second day of Adderall, and it makes me feel weird, and i have to explain to my professors why I messed up my semester, why I need extra time, why I should be given a second chance, all the while feeling like a failure, and that maybe its not because I am ADD, but because I suck.
Don't feel bad, I go between elation that I found a community that I identify with, absolute RAGE that NO ONE ever thought to freaking check me for ADD!, and Grief for all the damage I have done to my life and those I love! Right now I'm feeling the last two, but without the first I wouldn't have a place to vent! So Welcome.. You came to the right place!
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  #53  
Old 02-01-13, 10:03 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

I think you will be OK. Its not that big of a deal. You now have no reason to fall behind on work or fall behind in school. Narcotic stimulants to the rescue.
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Old 02-07-13, 11:57 AM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

Hey folks, this is my first post as I've very recently been diagnosed ADHD and have just started on medication today.

As for my story, I'm 29 years old and have had a really tough time with progressing in life. I was a clearly intelligent kid and managed to do well enough to more or less be known as one of the smarter kids, if not the smartest child in my first few years in primary school. I remember having both maths and these odd puzzle tasks that involved a lot of lateral thinking, and I was just unstoppable in both of them. I was literally put into retirement by my teacher in order to give the other kids a chance.

...then my grades started to fall as the required tasks started becoming more and more complex. Its not that I wasn't able to do these things, its more that I couldn't bring myself to do them. This sort of behavior more or less defined the rest of my schooling, to the point where I dropped out of high school at age 16 in order to take up a bricklaying apprenticeship with my father (my grades were borderline straight F's (well they use 'E' to designate a failed grade over here in school), with the occasional D and C grade for those classes where I had incredibly lenient teachers.

Anyhow, I became a bricklayer and finished my apprenticeship with great difficulty (there's no way I wouldn't have been fired if I wasn't the bosses son - seeing men with families to support being let go in times of little work before yourself is not a nice feeling). After hanging in long enough to attain my trade certificate, I bolted and used my saved money to backpack for a couple of years, eventually came back and decided to go to university.

Obviously going to university to study political science with ADHD isn't the wisest of options, but for me, whenever I saw others around me achieving things I knew I was capable of, then the only answer to my patterns of behavior I could establish in my own mind is that I was indeed lazy. That lack of ability to push myself became the definition of laziness for me and with that in mind I was determined to push through as the alternative (working in a job I was both capable of, and qualified for, eg: not much), was a bit more than I could bare.

Anyhow I took what's called a STAT test, which is an adult entry exam into uni, scored very highly and managed to get into the top uni in my state.

...its been six years and I'm still only 2/3rds the way through my BA degree. My first year went pretty well, but I clearly wasn't putting in the normal workload. My second year it went to hell and I left uni and have since gone back to study part time here and there with the occasional full time semester. I have a lot of failed grades and almost none of them are from handing in poor work. I realise what has been happening is that I can either wing it, and get through with minimal work using my pretty decent research skills to hone in on a specific line of inquiry that I believe will help me the most in regards to being tested, or I lose my **** and drop out. That last part happened more and more as I split my BA into political science/philosophy, and at the end of last year I was given a one year suspension because of it. My academic record reads like a minefield of "WTF".

Parallel to all this, has been my utter inability to hold a job. My resume is a confusing mess to most people, with the first half taken up by a legitimate trade apprenticeship, and the other half being a mish-mash of full time study and unemployment (Perth probably has the lowest unemployment rate in the western world, btw - whilst most of the world has fallen on hard times, we've gone through a massive boom thanks to China's absurd growth rates and the iron ore and LNG in our state).

So basically I've been trapped. I see my friends moving on passed me and I'm honestly happy for them. I've never felt a tinge of bitterness about it and I'm really happy with myself for that in itself, but it has made me more or less hardened and resigned to my place in society. I just don't fit, even though I clearly excel in certain areas, there was no 'ladder' I was able to climb in order to reach such a profession. I felt forever destined to be defined by my failures.

Deciding that there was definitely something inherently different about myself compared to everyone I know, I started a process of self-analytical journal writing. I wanted to get to a point where I could figure out exactly what I was naturally good at, and naturally bad at, and then try to find correlations within the two lists and see where that would lead me. Towards the end of this process I was at a mate's house and he asked me if I enjoyed taking "dexies". I told him I had never had the pleasure and so we both took a couple. The non-effect of the pills was the point where it all made sense. After that I went to my GP, and he referred me to a psychiatrist, which has led me to this point, my first medicated day.

The point in all of this is that the only grief came from not knowing what the hell was wrong with me. Once I started to detach my ego from my issues and look at my failings as a puzzle to be solved, and not as a resignation of my failure as a person, then things improved from the bottom-up. I stopped drinking and smoking weed. That hole I needed to fill (I may well have killed myself without having something to fall back on, to be honest) was no longer present and now I genuinely look forward to the future, even with my shoddy CV and academic record. Once I figure out my ideal dosage, I may ask my psychologist to write a letter on my behalf in order to get back into uni next semester, but for now I just want to find some work for a little bit and earn some money and use this semester to 'stress-test' my (hopefully) new found powers of concentration. Something like teaching myself a new language perhaps.

Anyhow, that's my story. Props to anyone who managed to sit through it (esp those of you off your meds )
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  #55  
Old 02-07-13, 03:09 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

^damn that post needs some editing, lol. I assumed I would be able to do that so I wasn't exactly reading over what I was typing.
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Old 02-07-13, 03:27 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

....important statement !!!! ADD meds do not include narcotics !!!!! never have, never will !!!!!


.....There are a whole slew of different meds we can take, some stimulants ( which are acknowledged to be the best, most immediate, and most effective meds for treating ADD) ...but those of us who can't take stim for one reason or another ....there are other option ....I am not gonna go into all the different types .....there's piles of info here on the forum ....dive in and see what you can find ....



.....I am 62 and was diagnosed in the mid 90s, .....first I felt relief ...."Well that explains a lot !" .....and as hardly anyone my age, boys or girls were diagnosed with ADD, mostly because hardly anyone knew about it in the 50s .....I can't really blame anyone for my not being diagnosed .....


.......BUt I still felt huge anger.....at the fates for foisting this crippling ( for me) condition .....ok, now I knew why I would come so close to success, I was blessed with a pretty good intellect, and a goodly amount of artistic talent.....and a upwaardly mobile family .....we were very poor when I was a kid, but it was because Daddy was becoming a doctor and that takes years.....


...so I had lots of advantages .....and an extended family around me....all of whom have done very well....So I am angry that I am the only one who got the scattered genes that added up to ADD for me .....

....I am angry that I still haven't figured out how to support myself ....and since my family doesn't have anything to do with me .....I could easily find myself living under a freeway underpass in 10 years ....whoopee !....


....and I don't have any idea about how to get past the anger and grief for lost potential. and the fact that I will never feel secure .....ever.....I will always be afraid that I will be homeless again ....


...and to you new folks here .....there are a whole lotta really great people here to help you with your problems ....and


...The big thing is that here you are amoung people like you ....out there in the world .....when I try to express the problems I have with life ....I still feel as if they're looking at me like "ssuuurrreee" ....but here ....most people will nod with you ....they understand ....and they share problems you are having ....


it's nice to know it's not you ...it's the condition......and this is the one place in the world that knows that .....
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Old 04-04-13, 11:37 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

I understand you all the way on this, it's so true for me too. I was a crappy student in class when I was younger not because I was a trouble maker but I would try and sit there, try and comprehend but just couldn't most of the time, I had this internal fire of frustration in and an internal-CRY FOR HELP and I felt like there was no where to turn. I did get guidance with teachers once in awhile but I that still didn't help . Now that I have information on ADD/ADHD and talk to me who have it, I am so amazed at all the things to a T that I am experiencing . I hated myself because I would be in a conversation with others and feel inferior because I couldn't think right or lose interest in what was being talked about.
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Old 05-01-13, 08:32 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

I cannot believe the grief I have been experiencing over my recent diagnosis. A profound loss of who i thought i was, a new identity to get used to. Thank you so much for posting this. Because of this article, I have ordered the Murphy book.
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Old 05-22-13, 06:39 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but I know I have it... For a fact. I'm a fairly intelligent person and a fairly intelligent person + a computer = the tools to self diagnose. I mean, that's what a psychiatrist does. They reference an already written data base and compare it to your symptoms.

I'm well over the grief period now. In fact, I think that ADHD is just as much of a blessing as it is a curse. Hyper focus can be good if we are aiming it at the right things. I find it hard to communicate and listen, which takes it's toll on my marriage but I have an understanding wife. I'm a musician and I feel like my ADHD writes better riffs than I do haha.

The whole dropping out of college a semester before I was to graduate and not being able to focus at work is a bummer but that's why I'm going to get a fancy, real diagnosis in a week. I get easily overwhelmed because I can't juggle a million things, especially when they are things I'm not particularly interested in.

I've tried the whole natural route; eating healthy, omega 3's etc., exercise both physical and mental. So I guess when I decided to surrender to the fact that meds might be my best route, that was acceptance.
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Old 05-22-13, 11:13 PM
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Re: The Grief process after being diagnosed with Adult ADD/ADHD.

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Originally Posted by CthulhuMinion View Post
I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but I know I have it... For a fact. I'm a fairly intelligent person and a fairly intelligent person + a computer = the tools to self diagnose. I mean, that's what a psychiatrist does. They reference an already written data base and compare it to your symptoms.

I'm well over the grief period now. In fact, I think that ADHD is just as much of a blessing as it is a curse. Hyper focus can be good if we are aiming it at the right things. I find it hard to communicate and listen, which takes it's toll on my marriage but I have an understanding wife. I'm a musician and I feel like my ADHD writes better riffs than I do haha.

The whole dropping out of college a semester before I was to graduate and not being able to focus at work is a bummer but that's why I'm going to get a fancy, real diagnosis in a week. I get easily overwhelmed because I can't juggle a million things, especially when they are things I'm not particularly interested in.

I've tried the whole natural route; eating healthy, omega 3's etc., exercise both physical and mental. So I guess when I decided to surrender to the fact that meds might be my best route, that was acceptance.

ADHD is tough neuropsychiatric disorder to live with.If you do in indeed have ADHD. I can tell you that even in 20 years,You'll likely still have grief issues about it. It does get easier though!
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