Inconsiderate eating issues? (Long)

[Redd Skyes]

First off, let me say my husband does not have an eating disorder. I'm not sure if any of the following could be considered "binge" eating. I'm posting this on here because I'm wondering if this could be linked to ADD, or if it's just bad habits.

First off, sometimes he will go the whole day without eating because he is too wrapped up in what he's doing, or he forgets to eat. As a result, he eats one large meal at dinner time. I wouldn't necessarily say he's a fussy eater. He likes a lot of foods, he tolerates others, and there are some he won't eat at all. But when he likes something, he likes it good. For example, I will go grocery shopping and buy cereal, because he wants cereal for breakfast. Never mind that he could get himself in gear and make oatmeal, or some other type of hot cereal. He can't possibly eat a bagel or make eggs. There are times when he will make himself something different in the mornings, but 80% of the time, he's gotta have cold cereal. Well, I'll buy a big box or two regular sized boxes, that should last anyone else maybe about three weeks. But not him. He will eat a man sized bowl every morning. Every, single, morning. And about seven days later, he'll tell me I have to go to the store to get more.

Over time, I stopped "giving in". I explained to him that I am able to make my favorite cereals last at least a few weeks. I told him that he needed to "pace" himself, and that no one was going to buy anymore cereal until a couple of more weeks. Of course this leads to him getting P.O.'ed, but, oh well. It's the same thing with other foods in the house. I bought some Pepsi Throwback Thursday night and gave one to Dad, and took one to work. That left six. I looked this morning and there's one left. In the span of two days he drank five. Thursday night, I also bought some small bags of chips that he wanted. Those are for HIS lunch during the week. Out of six, there is one left, and I only gave him one for lunch on Friday.

There was a time when I made some chili and fries. He asks how many fries he could take, and I tell him whatever. So he got a few, placed them in a big bowl, and filled the bowl to the top with chili, he also came and got seconds. Later, when I wanted another bowl (had only had one), I was able to only get one more serving. That pot should have been enough for that evening, lunch for both of us, and dinner the next evening But no. Gone in one night thanks to him.

Another time, I made a pot of delicious soup because my mom had been wanting some. I served myself, and of course my husband did too. Well after my mom came over, he came down a second time to get more. And you know what happened? When my dad looked in the pot, he saw that my husband had taken most of the soup, and ALL of the rest of the meat. Now no one could get a half way decent serving. And it was not the first time he had done that with that particular type of soup. I had made it twice before on his request, and he had eaten most of it and all of the meat. I would normally end up getting one bowl and a half if I was lucky.

I could tell my parents were bothered by this. After that incident I had enough. It led to a huge argument in which I was extremely angry. I told him he was selfish and inconsiderate, and a big fat glutton. I know, that was not nice, and he's not really fat either. I was just angry because due to his actions, the whole night was ruined. I left my parents alone in the house and went to go buy more stuff for soup, came home and made another pot that he was not allowed to touch. We all ended up having to cancel our after dinner plans because things ran so late.

During that argument, he had said he didn't realize he was being so inconsiderate. I was so angry that I kept blaming him for ruining everything that night. It got to a point where I was repeating myself and he was just sitting there no longer saying anything, and I still wanted a response! Later, I was still upset with him, but I felt so horrible for the argument.

I think he kind of gets my concern now. But to be on the safe side I remind him that there are others who would like to eat too, or to leave some for the rest of us. Sometimes if other people are here, I will serve him. He's caught on to this and feels like he doesn't need to be served like a child, but I've already explained I don't want to go through another embarrassment.

So do you think this could be part of his ADD? If it's not, that's fine. I kind of needed to vent anyway. Regardless of reason, the main goal is to have him think things through before he gobbles up all the food. He's getting there slowly.

[mADD mike]

What in the world? Are you serious? Unless you guys are dirt poor, and he's eating enough to starve everyone else, who are you to tell someone how much they can or cannot eat? If he's not fat, then his body must need the food.

I am seriously dumbfounded that someone is complaining that another person isn't rationing their food the same way. Maybe his body has a faster metabolism. Maybe he works hard and burns a lot of calories. Maybe he's just bigger and needs more.

If the guy likes cold cereal, then let him eat cold cereal. By the way, my wife is tiny and can eat more than you think your husband can eat.

I just don't see how anyone would think they have the right to dictate the way another person eats unless:

a.) it is a budgetary issue wherein the family is extremely poor

b.) someone has medical issues (i.e. diabetes) and the other partner refuses to make or purchase sweets for the person (there still is nothing you or anyone else can do if they go get it on their own)

c. ) they are developing an eating issue, and can no longer get through the doorway

To exert that much control on another person's eating habits just seems like it is waaaayyyyy over the lines of personal boundaries.

You complain about his selfishness, but you are worried about the way he eats because you think it makes your nights ruined in front of others. That comes off quite selfish. Why not just make more food? Is it worth humiliating your husband and treating him with such insane control to avoid buying another box of cereal or making some extra soup? It seems to me that your expectations are way off, and rather than adjusting them to reality, you are willing to sacrifice the feelings of your husband.

What is more important, the way your husband feels in your relationship, or how your party comes off? What is more important, that he eats whatever you think he should eat, or that he is happy and eats what his body apparently can use? I just can't believe that you are willing to sacrifice the feelings of your husband over his portion sizes.



P.S. - Your husband may not have an eating disorder now, but by the time you are through with him, he may. WAY too much importance being put on food here.

[BlindDoingTime]

I loled at this thread. I'm too young to be married but I have 2 siblings and my family's not exactly rolling in dough, so I can empathize with you Redd Sykes. I think yall need to find middle ground. Cuz yeah, that's kinda rude and inconsiderate of him to take most of the soup, especially if you have important company like your parents. I'm the oldest, so when I was growing up I learned to curb taking more than my share by letting everyone else go before me. Tell him to wait until the guests are served if he can't take a reasonable portion. But on the other hand, you're being a little controlling with the cereal; real talk, I can finish a box of golden grahams in under 2 days if I have the munchies. And times aren't that rough, cereal is what, $2-$3 a box these days? Get that man his cereal, it's not like he's asking for shrimp puffs lmao! Compromise is the key. Good luck!

[wsmac]

My former wife and I used to have a similar problem all the time.

My daughter and I have it worked out... most of the time.

I can't speak for your husband, but I do know that I can eat & eat & eat and gain very little weight.
I can also eat & eat & eat and never seem satisfied.
I'll also eat seemingly without thinking.

If there is food in the house, and it looks good, and I want to eat something, I'll eat it.

I have tried to remember that it would be nice to save some for other people, but sometimes I just don't remember.
Especially if the item in question has been sitting around for a couple of days or more.

When you wrote this, "...feels like he doesn't need to be served like a child...", I immediately felt a familiar sensation whenever I thought my wife was treating me like a child.

I think it is unnecessary and hurts a person quite a bit to do something or say something that makes them feel you are demeaning them, or treating them as if they were a child instead of an adult.

His behavior is not childish... he is an adult.
His actions may be inconsiderate to be sure.

I'm not condoning his actions, nor condemning yours.

You two need to find a way to make this all work. Both of you, not just him.
I say this because it appears as though he may be unable to completely control his actions.

What I can think of right now is this...

Maybe have a cabinet sectioned off for things he can eat as he likes, and things he cannot eat or has to share.
Maybe even have separate cabinets.

Maybe mark certain items in a manner that will get his attention, such as a calender or a "serving per day" label.

Just don't make these things come across as something you would do for a little kid. Be respectful.
He needs to realize that he should allow reminders to be put in place to help him in areas where he needs this help... it's not punishment.

For fresh cooked items...

That soup, for example... maybe after you make it, pour his allotment into a separate pan.
How about using a grease pen to write on the pot each serving he takes?
I've seen restaurants use this to indicate in the kitchen, how many servings of a certain dish are left that costumers can order.

When you cook the soup, if he is around, can you have him come into the kitchen and then remind him he has 'X' number of servings from the pot for that meal?
Sometimes a visual/audible reminder has helped me... maybe it would for him.

Basically, it's learning what sorts of things will 'click' in his mind to remind him to take it easy on the food.

From my experiences, the more my wife got upset with me, the more I got upset with myself, which would lead to defensiveness because I knew I had done something wrong... AGAIN.
I hated messing up... AGAIN... and I knew no matter how many times I tried to explain that I was sorry, and didn't intend to do that thing on purpose... my wife would still be upset with me and nothing I said could make things okay.

I learned that promising not to do it again was so over-used and never believed.
The more I promised.. then failed to deliver on that promise... the worse I felt about myself.
Consequently, in later arguments, I would get very defensive.

It's all a bad cycle that needs to be broken.
One way to do that, I believe, is to quit taking it all so personal.
Look at it more clinically. The goal is not to make him listen and obey... the goal is to find the methods that will allow him to meet his needs and respect yours as much as possible.

If he's eating more than he needs to... then the extra eating is possibly covering up for something else.
Binge eaters are binge eaters because they have lost the ability to stop.
Perhaps this is part of his problem?

I certainly don't know... but I do hope you two can work it out amicably.

[RedHairedWitch]

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

First off, sometimes he will go the whole day without eating because he is too wrapped up in what he's doing, or he forgets to eat. As a result, he eats one large meal at dinner time.

Typical ADD behaviour, my whole family will do this. I do this. Place snack in his general area and he might get the idea lol

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

I wouldn't necessarily say he's a fussy eater. He likes a lot of foods, he tolerates others, and there are some he won't eat at all.

Is this not normal for all humans?

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

But when he likes something, he likes it good. For example, I will go grocery shopping and buy cereal, because he wants cereal for breakfast. Never mind that he could get himself in gear and make oatmeal, or some other type of hot cereal. He can't possibly eat a bagel or make eggs. There are times when he will make himself something different in the mornings, but 80% of the time, he's gotta have cold cereal.

You mean there are breakfast foods other than Cheerios and pancakes??? Most of the time the only thing I eat for breafast is cereal, so what? How does this hurt you or him?

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

Well, I'll buy a big box or two regular sized boxes, that should last anyone else maybe about three weeks. But not him. He will eat a man sized bowl every morning. Every, single, morning. And about seven days later, he'll tell me I have to go to the store to get more.

MY GODS! A man who eats man sized amounts of cereal! Imagine that! Buy more cereal, buy it in bulk. You can get cheap cereal that is the same as the namebrand stuff in very large quanities and if placed in in tupperware will last forever. Make yourself something nice and don't worry about him.
If he was eating nothing but bacon, I'd be worried about his health and the cost of food, but lady, is freaking cereal!

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

Over time, I stopped "giving in". I explained to him that I am able to make my favorite cereals last at least a few weeks. I told him that he needed to "pace" himself, and that no one was going to buy anymore cereal until a couple of more weeks. Of course this leads to him getting P.O.'ed, but, oh well.

I'd be POed too! Are oyu his wife or his momma? Is he a man or a child? This is total control freak actions here. Why do you get to dictate to him what he eats and how much? Its cereal. Why must he paced himself?

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

It's the same thing with other foods in the house. I bought some Pepsi Throwback Thursday night and gave one to Dad, and took one to work. That left six. I looked this morning and there's one left. In the span of two days he drank five. Thursday night, I also bought some small bags of chips that he wanted. Those are for HIS lunch during the week. Out of six, there is one left, and I only gave him one for lunch on Friday.

I drink two liters of pepsi everyday. My teeth hate me. Its an ADD thing, all that caffeine and sugar .. must have more pepsi. Really soda pop calms us down. Its self medicating. Buy cheap pop, not the name brand stuff. Hide cans where an ADDer wont think to look.

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

There was a time when I made some chili and fries. He asks how many fries he could take, and I tell him whatever. So he got a few, placed them in a big bowl, and filled the bowl to the top with chili, he also came and got seconds. Later, when I wanted another bowl (had only had one), I was able to only get one more serving. That pot should have been enough for that evening, lunch for both of us, and dinner the next evening But no. Gone in one night thanks to him.

He asks how much he can take, you say "whatever" and get mad when he eats it all? If you had a set amount in your mind why not say so? He cannot read you mind.

Make more food! This man is starving! You obviously underestimate how much he needs to eat. Also get fillers, like bread and cheese and put them on his plate to fill him with things other than chilli.

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

Another time, I made a pot of delicious soup because my mom had been wanting some. I served myself, and of course my husband did too. Well after my mom came over, he came down a second time to get more. And you know what happened? When my dad looked in the pot, he saw that my husband had taken most of the soup, and ALL of the rest of the meat. Now no one could get a half way decent serving. And it was not the first time he had done that with that particular type of soup. I had made it twice before on his request, and he had eaten most of it and all of the meat. I would normally end up getting one bowl and a half if I was lucky.

Once again make more food. You are not making enough food to serve everyone. Taking the last of stuff is rude, I will give you that. But seriously make more food.

Obviously the guy (like many ADDers) has a high metabolism. Have you seen the threads posted here about people struggling not to be skelitons? WE must eat lost of food. I eat more than most grown men, and I am 5 foot 4 and struggle to stay abouve 120 pounds.

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

I could tell my parents were bothered by this. After that incident I had enough. It led to a huge argument in which I was extremely angry. I told him he was selfish and inconsiderate, and a big fat glutton. I know, that was not nice, and he's not really fat either. I was just angry because due to his actions, the whole night was ruined. I left my parents alone in the house and went to go buy more stuff for soup, came home and made another pot that he was not allowed to touch. We all ended up having to cancel our after dinner plans because things ran so late.

During that argument, he had said he didn't realize he was being so inconsiderate. I was so angry that I kept blaming him for ruining everything that night. It got to a point where I was repeating myself and he was just sitting there no longer saying anything, and I still wanted a response! Later, I was still upset with him, but I felt so horrible for the argument.

So you never make enough food for this poor man to be full and then yell at him for it until he sits there like a beaten dog? Are you serious? WTF???

Originally Posted by Redd Skyes

I think he kind of gets my concern now. But to be on the safe side I remind him that there are others who would like to eat too, or to leave some for the rest of us. Sometimes if other people are here, I will serve him. He's caught on to this and feels like he doesn't need to be served like a child, but I've already explained I don't want to go through another embarrassment.

So do you think this could be part of his ADD? If it's not, that's fine. I kind of needed to vent anyway. Regardless of reason, the main goal is to have him think things through before he gobbles up all the food. He's getting there slowly.

What is embarassing is you don't make enough food to fill this man up and then verbally and emotionaly abuse him for it, treat him like a child and humilate him in front of people over it!

I repeat:
Obviously the guy (like many ADDers) has a high metabolism. Have you seen the threads posted here about people struggling not to be skeletons? We must eat lots of food. I eat more than most grown men, and I am 5 foot 4 and struggle to stay abouve 120 pounds.

You say yourself the man is not fat, so its not overeating.

Make more food and stop abusing this poor hungry man!

[wsmac]

I think mADD mike makes some very good points.

But, I know from my experiences that part of my eating has nothing to do with meeting my nutritional needs, or just satisfying a simple craving.
Part of my excessive, and uncontrollable eating happens when I am upset about something.

I have also noticed that sometimes, say at dinner, I may appreciate the meal enough to eat plenty of it. If the other people seem to be eating enough and there's still some food left, I might go ahead and eat more thinking there is nothing wrong with my actions.

Along with mADD Mike's comments, I did find this one comment by you quite interesting... "...I don't want to go through another embarrassment...".
You being embarrassed is something you have to deal with, not your husband.

It does sound as though you are balancing this state of embarrassment (usually what I think of as a self-esteem issue), upon his actions, which I never see as a good thing.

If anyone should be embarrassed by his actions, then it should be him... no one else.
You are in control of your own feelings of embarrassment.
It's not you who is eating most of the soup and the meat within... it's him.
It's not you who should take on any bit of pride or shame about the act... it's him.

And... if he's not embarrassed by the things he does, then so be it.

You can get upset that he ate more than his share of the prepared food, but you shouldn't be getting embarrassed over it.

I disagree with Mike about the idea that you should just cook more food.
If he eats more than he needs of a certain dish, then perhaps he should be cooking it.
I mean, if everyone else is getting their desired portions, and you have one size of dish to make that soup in, then he should take an equal amount and if he is still hungry, eat something else... or make more himself.

That is what I would do anyway. I have no problem realizing I can eat WAY more than the average person with me at the table.
I also have no problem eating my portion of the prepared meal then, if I am still hungry, finding a substitute to fill in the rest of the empty space inside me.
I would never expect someone to cook extra just for me, or expect the other people at the table to eat less just because I can/will eat more.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by wsmac

I would never expect someone to cook extra just for me, or expect the other people at the table to eat less just because I can/will eat more.

If I'm having dinner at someone else's house I'd completely agree. There are certain preferred foods and it's not unheard of for people to eat more of things they like all people do this. It's true that people with adhd do not easily regulate themselves. It is a self regulation disorder.

chili is cheap, so is soup and cereal, well that's debatable but generally it won't break the bank.

Pop and chips? that's junk food there's a case to be made here.

wsmac, apparently you do have some insight into this, but I'm at a complete loss. Why would someone be so invested in such a thing when there are no dangers involved? Why knowingly refuse to accept that with a preferred food, that's healthy and not overly expensive you make 'enough' not according to theory but according to actuality? Or as witchy suggested add a big loaf of garlic bread?

I assume most people would find it inconsiderate to try and impose portion control on them when there is no health issue involved. Surely there are issues with more substance that could be found to get in a knot about?

I'm a pretty good cook, and I know just how long it takes to make soup. There's something up when she goes to the store when her parents are hungry gets more ingredients and cooks the SAME soup. That's on her, her husband doesn't make her starve her own parents she did it herself. She chose to use this event to be the long suffering martyr and such performances do play well in front of mom and dad but this forum isn't mom and dad. She also chose this event to humiliate her husband even tho he wasn't aware of her parents not having eaten yet. If she forgets to tell her husband that her parents haven't eaten yet or to simply say "save some for dad!" knowing this is an issue then it's a case of shooting yourself in the foot.

Going to all the trouble you suggest in your post from a cooks perspective is absurd when you could just double a recipe and be done with it. If there's leftovers, freeze it.

This can't be about food, there's got to be something else going on.

I just see a young women with a stubborn streak insisting reality be the way she wants it to be. Life does not work that way.

Giving in? Oh give me a break over breakfast cereal no less.

[Lunacie]

My granddaughter sometimes does this - bothers her mom more than it bothers me - will take the last serving from a dish or pot without asking if anyone else wants more too. I've learned to hide the things that I want more of later, otherwise it will all be gone when I'm ready for more. Guess I should be trying harder to help her understand that she needs to take into account that she's not the only one living here eh? Otherwise her hubby will be complaining some day.

Guess I'm not quite so bad about it, although it used to be that a bag of chips or a pan of brownies was impossible for me to not finish off in one day. Which used to worry my ex, thinking that I ate too much and it was unhealthy. On the other hand I was concerned about his smoking which is also unhealthy. He died 7 years ago at the age of 50 and I'm still kicking at the age of 59, enjoying my sugary snacks and soft drinks.

Anyway, back to the OP, I agree with the others that he's being insensitive when he eats all of something without asking if anyone else wants some, but you're being insenstitive in portioning out the food as if he was on a strict diet.

Funny, parents start out by worrying that their kiddos aren't eating enough, then the kids hit their teens and eat everything in sight and parents want them to just stop eating so much. Food is a national obsession here in the States, it's in our faces 24/7 in magazines, on tv, on the radio. Nice thing about paying for gas at the pump with a credit card, I don't have to see all those tempting snacks in the convenience store.

[minnie]

My boyfriend has similar habits but the real issue for us is not the quantity of food he eats, but who is the one buying the groceries. That would be me. We don't own a car so I what I can only buy what I carry home; it's not far but 20 minutes in winter with bags in my hands and a full back pack can be hard work. I prefer not to have to do this every day if I can avoid it.

I don't really care if he can and does frequently eat a whole loaf of bread in two days. What frustrates me is to be the only one buying groceries and not being able to count on there being food left for me when I want it.

I suspect the bigger issue is division of labour -- who buys the food and who prepares it. If the OP is doing the bulk of the shopping and cooking, I can understand where her frustration is coming from. I doubt she would notice or care as much about his eating habits if he were buying and preparing food for himself.

[brain chatter]

Let your man eat!!!! unless as Mike said, there are other reasons... health, money, etc. I rarely eat during the day cause I am just not hungry until about 6pm... then I'll eat a dinner that would feed 3.... and no, I'm not fat... underweight probably.
I am considerate of others... always ask if anyone wants more.... If anything, maybe he could work on doing that.

[Lady Lark]

Just wondering, have you told him you'd like to have X set aside cause you want it for later?

I used to not do that, then get upset because my husband didn't read my mind and know that I was saving it. Now, with a teenager, and two boys in the house, I've learned that if I want something for after, I'd darn well better stake a claim on it. if I don't, and someone comes along and eats it, it really is (at least) partly my fault for not making my wished known.

It's not fair to be upset about anything if you don't make your wishes known. No one is a mind reader.

[jaegray]

I can put away an entire box of cereal of the course of one day. Which is why I don't eat cereal. All I have to do is walk passed the box...

Regardless, my advice to you would be instead of trying to fix all of his horrible scum-of-the-earth eating habits, maybe you could examine yourself and try to work out your own issues.

Sheesh. o.O

[daveddd]

maybe she is worried about his health

eating like a big fat gluton isnt healthy (and i couldnt help but laugh at that statement)

my wife has to hide things she likes from me (and im not fat just eat like i am)

is he on meds that cut down on emotional eating for me (not saying thats what hes doing , but if it is its unhealthy)

just trying to see it from her standpoint

what helps us is i say everyone take how much they are gonna eat first and then i pretty much just take the rest

[jaegray]

Originally Posted by daveddd

just trying to see it from her standpoint

Nothing wrong with that. I just demand more respect than what she's offering up. Even if she is concerned about his health. If my husband called me a big fat glutton he'd have a big fat foot up his rump.

[daveddd]

Originally Posted by jaegray

Nothing wrong with that. I just demand more respect than what she's offering up. Even if she is concerned about his health. If my husband called me a big fat glutton he'd have a big fat foot up his rump.

my wife calls me a big fat alot things

its ok for wifes to call us that, just not the other way around

the saying is true

we are pigs in many ways