Life just isn't working right now...

[Nallia]

I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was thought that my case was mild--the computer test came back showing that I didn't have ADD/ADHD. Here's the thing: I test well. I always have. Math, English, and Science classes were easy subjects in school for me. Everything else...eh. I got mediocre grades in everything, though, because I never did my homework and my teachers always complained that I didn't pay attention in class. But I always aced every test in school.

I cannot keep my house clean. At all. I can't stand seeing it like this, but I. Just. Can't. Do. It. I look at the mess and it's just so big that I block it out of my brain and refuse to think about it. I don't even see it most of the time. I don't listen to my VMs and don't return calls. If things aren't right in front of my face I forget they exist. If PEOPLE aren't right there I often don't think about them. It makes it hard for me to maintain friendships because I forget to put any effort into them. I had a playdate at my house today and had to go on a crazy 3-hour cleaning spree before everyone got here.

I retreat into myself CONSTANTLY. My mind always wants to be off on its own world. I have a very hard time staying focused on where I am and what I'm doing. People think I am rude because I constantly interrupt everyone. I swear, it's like if I don't get my thought out RIGHT NOW I won't remember it or the conversation will change directions and what I want to say will be pointless. I repeat myself constantly, too. If I tell someone something and get a nonverbal acknowledgment or the conversation changes direction, I will say it again. And again. And again. It's like I get stuck on one thought in a discussion until it's been resolved or acknowledged.

People tell me all the time that I can't have ADD or ADHD because I am so intelligent and always functioned well at work and because of this last one: I hyperfocus all the time. I am completely unable to just sit and be still and have my mind not doing something. So I read. I often find myself reading or playing some stupid mindless video game on my phone like Solitaire almost every hour that I am awake. If it isn't books, it's the Internet. If it isn't the Internet, it's whatever I find near me. I can't stop myself. And I get so focused on my computer or in my books that I find myself getting really annoyed and snapping at my kids if they interrupt me.

I count steps on stairs. No matter how many times I go up or down the same staircase, I have to count them. I count them in my head while in the middle of a conversation with someone else. I often count my steps when I'm walking, too. And I straighten pictures. A crooked picture hanging on a wall makes me crazy. I can't stop staring at it until it's straight. Things on my mantle have to be lined up and spaced the same distance from each other or I have to fix them. I can't do eclectic in my house because I absolutely must have symmetry.

But none of that stops the crazy clutter and mess. I forget to do laundry, I forget to wash the dishes, I forget to pick up the kids' toys.

I can't tell a simple story of an event that happened to save my life. LOL If I try, I run off on tangent after tangent, sometimes eventually circling back to the point, sometimes forgetting my initial point altogether. But it drives me crazy if someone else does it to me. Then I will just interrupt them and finish their sentences because I can't stand waiting for them to get to the point. Hell, I do that sometimes anyway just because I can't help myself.

People often find speaking to me frustrating. Here's a perfect example: my husband called last night (he was out of town until this evening). While he was trying to tell me about the presentation he gave at work, I started reading Facebook status updates. They weren't even interesting, but I was reading them anyway. And I didn't even realize I was doing it at first until I realized I had no idea what he said to me.

Motivation...LMAO! I get so excited about doing something new, and throw myself into it. That can last for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, but eventually, I start to become really flaky about it. It never fails. I will force myself to continue on for a while, but will eventually just stop altogether. I've changed jobs so many times it's ridiculous. I was a serial monogamist because I got bored in relationships and left once the initial excitement was gone, but always jumped right into another to find that excitement again (except for one time, when I stayed with my ex for years and was miserable the whole time just because the excitement was gone--poor guy). I have been torn between more than one guy, completely unable to choose and hurting us all because of it.

(While I was typing that last paragraph I thought of another issue I wanted to bring up but have now forgotten it).

(Right. Got it back)

I am the queen of impulse decisions. I jump into all kinds of **** without thinking it through. All. The. Time.

I think I am addicted to sugar/carbs. It's all I want to eat (that and coffee), though I LOVE good food.

I didn't think I was ADHD because I didn't think I had any hyperactivity and I don't have much trouble sleeping. In fact, I will sleep for 12-14 hours if I can get away with it. But the therapist who diagnosed me said that ADHD manifests differently in adults than it does in children, and can result in fidgety behaviors or nervous habits (like the way I bite the inside of my mouth a lot) instead of classic hyperactivity.

I turned down medication because I was pregnant and decided to try to cope myself. I was also a bit skeptical because I passed the computer test. I was 34 then and no one in school or anywhere else ever mentioned the possibility in my entire life. But it's been over 2 years since my diagnosis and nothing is any better. It's only getting worse. I'm thinking that maybe I need to find another doctor and figure out treatment options.

I was given a bunch of coping strategies--making lists, keeping a calendar, posting reminders all over the house so I see them, but they don't help. How can they when I forget to make the lists or calendar? If I do do it, I look at the reminders and say to myself, "I'll take care of that in just a minute." And then I forget about it completely.

I am so tired of not being able to function like a normal, productive adult. It's a vicious circle. I berate myself for my lack of ability to manage the simplest things in my life, become depressed, and lose even more ability to manage. It goes round and round and round. Oh, I have times when I will swear things will change and I clean the house or start being a more attentive friend or wife but it never lasts.

I am very good at hiding all of this from the outside world. Most people who know me would be shocked. I know all the right things to say and all the right things to do around others. And I know all of those things are how I should be and think, but I just can't make myself.

It was a bit easier when I was working, but even then I had issues. I always performed best when under pressure--the more stress the better. I think the structure of work helped. Since I've been home with my children, I've been having a harder and harder time keeping my grip on things.

I have no idea how to fix any of it myself. All I know is that I don't want to be like this anymore. I worry that I will eventually destroy my marriage, that I may be neglecting my children without even realizing it, that I'm setting a horrible example for them to follow through their lives.

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to ramble for so long. It's just that sometimes the hardest part of all of this is not having anyone to talk to who understands. My husband tries. He really does. He doesn't judge me and doesn't think I'm crazy, but he can't really get it. And I can never explain it all to him in a way that helps him understand.

[Nallia]

Crap. I'm sorry, I clicked the wrong link. I meant to post this in Adults with ADHD.

[peripatetic]

welcome to the forums

i'm sorry to hear that you're having such trouble, but i think you're inclination to find a new doctor is a good one if you don't feel your current practitioner is someone you trust to help you address your concerns.

i have been fortunate to have had good doctors all around, but my current psychiatrist is the best! others were fine, but he's 100% grounded and i've always felt like he genuinely wants to help me, and work with me, to find solutions. through some recent debacles, has been like a light at the end of the tunnel.

if you have options, i do think you should explore them and be as thorough and clear as you possibly can be. in the time i've been on these forums i've absolutely noticed a trend expressed by those diagnosed later in life: the coping mechanisms they've had to develop frequently result in being really good at hiding the struggle from others. i think a solid, sympathetic physician would listen to everything you have to say and focus on helping you address your concerns.

best wishes

side note: i've let section moderators know that you might want your thread moved (per your second post indicating that you'd intended to post in general talk in lieu of diagnosis and treatment). you can always feel free to contact moderators through private messaging or by hitting the 'report' button (the red and white triangle with the exclamation mark) on any post for assistance/inquiry; we're here to help!

[DaveyJones]

Wow!!! I so relate to Nallia's post

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by DaveyJones

Wow!!! I so relate to Nallia's post

Me too!

Nallia, it's like you're describing me, except for the doing very well on tests. I generally get distracted or am too anxious to concentrate well.

When I first had a clue that I and my granddaughter might have ADHD I started doing a lot of reading, both in books and online. That was almost 7 years ago. Last year our family therapist was able to sneak a Connor's assassment through the system for me (the sessions are paid for by my granddaughter's health insurance - I don't have any health insurance), and came back as combined-type which I'd pretty much guessed already, mostly Inattentive. Although I do have some of the fidgety behaviors too, especially rocking back and forth when I'm anxious. Though that may be related to the Anxiety Disorder.

I agree with peripatetic, if your doctor diagnosed you based only on an assessment such as Connor's without talking to you about issues like not remembering to do things that aren't right in front of you, social issues, impulsively interrupting others ... oh heck, everything you mentioned in your post are classic traits of ADHD.

And don't even get me started on people who think that ADHD = stupid. Lots of us with ADHD actually have a very high IQ, mine is around 135, not stupendous but not too shabby either.

I count steps too - have done that as long as I can remember. I still remember that there were 13 steps up to my bedroom in the house my dad built - and I haven't been inside that house in 11 years (it's not even there anymore, a tornado blew it to smithereens 3 years ago). I don't know if that's an ADHD thing or an OCD thing. And I've embarrassed myself in other people's homes by getting up and straightening a picture or a chair or a rug because it drives me batty!

Again, I don't have health insurance, so I've gone with supplements. I started taking Omega 3 (fish oil) about 7 years ago. I ran out two different times and after a week I was so shocked by the difference ~ I couldn't believe I'd led my whole life in such a fog. I've since added B-complex vitamins and Vitamin D. I do occasionally forget to take my "meds" (including one actual script for hypertension), but generally remember the next day.

But if you have health insurance, it might be worth giving actual meds a trial.

Welcome to the forum! Good to see you again.

[meridian]

Originally Posted by Nallia

It's just that sometimes the hardest part of all of this is not having anyone to talk to who understands. My husband tries. He really does. He doesn't judge me and doesn't think I'm crazy, but he can't really get it.

Hi Nallia, sorry for all the stuff going on in life for you right now.

But we DO get it.

And we've walked these dark and scary winding roads alone too. So please don't feel all alone. I am so glad I found this forum, I simply can't tell you how much it has helped me in just a matter of weeks.

The OCD thing almost had me when I was a tween (now on on the edge of becoming a geezer -- hey, does that mean I'm a "tweezer?") where the heck was I going with that thought?

Originally Posted by Nallia

People tell me all the time that I can't have ADD or ADHD because I am so intelligent

Ah there's a couple of good links about high IQ and ADHD see this thread . . . http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=77526

[Nallia]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and support, everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I have ordered a whole bunch of books: Driven to Distraction, Delivered from Distraction, Answers to Distraction, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!, and Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life. They will all be here by the middle of the week.

There are two things I am most struggling with right now. First, is the issue of motivation. I have a laptop and a Blackberry, and try to put everything important I need to do in my calendar. But it never fails: the reminder pops up, I look at it, dismiss it, and say to myself, "I'll take care of that in a bit," and just...don't.

I swear I don't mean to not do the things I need to do. I don't mean to forget or lose track of time on my computer or in whatever book I'm reading but I can rarely ever drag myself away. It isn't that I never think of the things I need to do. I just tell myself I'll do them in a few minutes and then, the next thing I know, hours have gone by and I've lost all desire to do them at all.

I can't seem to get past the feeling that this is somehow my issue, that I just must not want to change badly enough, that if I did I would pay attention to the lists and reminders I keep making for myself and stop blowing them off all the time.

I don't know if it's a common issue for people diagnosed as adults, but I can't shake my skepticism. Whatever little thing others with ADHD have an issue with that I don't only makes me question whether I have ADHD at all or am just trying to make excuses for myself.

I don't know. How does a person create desire and motivation? Sometimes I am disgusted by the state of my house, but most times I just can't bring myself to care. I don't know if I get overwhelmed. Maybe I've been feeling it for so long that I no longer recognize it. Maybe I've become indifferent in order to not feel it. Is that even possible?

The idea of meds scares the crap out of me. I grew up in a home with alcoholics and drug addicts and am terrified of any "mind altering" drugs, even if they're legal and prescribed. Even narcotic pain killers scare me.

[Lunacie]

Nallia, I don't remember if you wear contacts/glasses, but I think maybe you do. So why can't you just want to change your eyesight well enough not to need them?

In the few years I've been a member of this forum I've seen an awful lot of people who complain about procrastination and the effect it has on their lives. If I didn't have just a touch of OCD the house would never get cleaned and the laundry would never get moved to the dryer, taken out and put away. I've known the floor needs mopping for several days but just couldn't seem to get motivated to do it. Same with putting clean sheets on my bed - as much as I love sleeping on fresh sheets I procrastinate terribly about changing them. :lol:

I do understand about being leary of meds. We waited over two years from when we first saw how much my granddaughter was struggling before we decided to allow her a trial of meds. And I would still have tried supplements myself before doing a trial of meds even if I had health insurance to pay for the doctor's visits and the scripts. I'm lucky that the supplements have helped a great deal. Have you considered trying supplements since the idea of meds is a concern?

[Nallia]

I do wear glasses and contacts. I have since I was 21 and my eyes went myopic. I'm always complaining to my husband that I wish we could afford for me to get Lasik surgery so I could see without them again.

I'm thinking about picking up some supplements when I go to the store later but I'm not sure if it would be too much. I still take my prenatal vitamins and they contain:

Omega-3 fatty acids, 330 mg (DHA and EPA)
Linoleic Acid, 30 mg
Vitamin C, 25 mg
Vitamin D3, 170 IU
Vitamin E, 30 IU
Folic Acid, USP, 1 mg
Vitamin B6, 25 mg
Calcium, 150 mg
Iron, 27 mg.

The DHA and EPA are from a fish source.

I was feeling better about things over the last few days and today is just a bad day in my head. heh. Maybe I've heard too many opinions over the years about how ADHD doesn't really exist and they've stuck with me without me realizing it. I don't know. I keep going around in circles in my head and can't shake the feeling that everything would be fine if I would just try harder. UGH. I know how ridiculous it is, but I can't help myself.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by Nallia

I do wear glasses and contacts. I have since I was 21 and my eyes went myopic. I'm always complaining to my husband that I wish we could afford for me to get Lasik surgery so I could see without them again.

I'm thinking about picking up some supplements when I go to the store later but I'm not sure if it would be too much. I still take my prenatal vitamins and they contain:

Omega-3 fatty acids, 330 mg (DHA and EPA)
Linoleic Acid, 30 mg
Vitamin C, 25 mg
Vitamin D3, 170 IU
Vitamin E, 30 IU
Folic Acid, USP, 1 mg
Vitamin B6, 25 mg
Calcium, 150 mg
Iron, 27 mg.

The DHA and EPA are from a fish source.

I was feeling better about things over the last few days and today is just a bad day in my head. heh. Maybe I've heard too many opinions over the years about how ADHD doesn't really exist and they've stuck with me without me realizing it. I don't know. I keep going around in circles in my head and can't shake the feeling that everything would be fine if I would just try harder. UGH. I know how ridiculous it is, but I can't help myself.

The prenatal is probably enough for a neuro-typical mom, but not for a mom with two toddlers and ADHD.

I take 2 or 3 fish oil capsules each day, each capsule 360 mg of EPA (the one that seems most helpful according to reports).

When you read those books that should help to change those old thoughts inside your head, and make it more real for you that this is an actual medical issue, just as real as needing to wear glasses or contacts. I wish there was a lasik surgery that could take away the difficulties that ADHD causes me and leave the benefits (creativity and good in a crisis). But without health insurance, I'd just be jealous of those who could afford the treatment eh?

[Nallia]

Thanks. That's what I'm hoping.

I'll go pick up some fish oil this afternoon, then. I wasn't sure how much I could safely take.

[ADHDTigger]

Originally Posted by Nallia

Thank you so much for your thoughts and support, everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I have ordered a whole bunch of books: Driven to Distraction, Delivered from Distraction, Answers to Distraction, You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!, and Women with Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life. They will all be here by the middle of the week.

There are two things I am most struggling with right now. First, is the issue of motivation. I have a laptop and a Blackberry, and try to put everything important I need to do in my calendar. But it never fails: the reminder pops up, I look at it, dismiss it, and say to myself, "I'll take care of that in a bit," and just...don't.

I swear I don't mean to not do the things I need to do. I don't mean to forget or lose track of time on my computer or in whatever book I'm reading but I can rarely ever drag myself away. It isn't that I never think of the things I need to do. I just tell myself I'll do them in a few minutes and then, the next thing I know, hours have gone by and I've lost all desire to do them at all.

I can't seem to get past the feeling that this is somehow my issue, that I just must not want to change badly enough, that if I did I would pay attention to the lists and reminders I keep making for myself and stop blowing them off all the time.

I don't know if it's a common issue for people diagnosed as adults, but I can't shake my skepticism. Whatever little thing others with ADHD have an issue with that I don't only makes me question whether I have ADHD at all or am just trying to make excuses for myself.

I don't know. How does a person create desire and motivation? Sometimes I am disgusted by the state of my house, but most times I just can't bring myself to care. I don't know if I get overwhelmed. Maybe I've been feeling it for so long that I no longer recognize it. Maybe I've become indifferent in order to not feel it. Is that even possible?

The idea of meds scares the crap out of me. I grew up in a home with alcoholics and drug addicts and am terrified of any "mind altering" drugs, even if they're legal and prescribed. Even narcotic pain killers scare me.

Once you get your books, turn on the hyperfocus and READ the Lazy, Stupid Crazy book. I frequently refer to it as the ADHD owner's manual.

I wish I had some magic answers for you. I don't. As I read your initial post, the thing that hopped out at me was that you could be describing ME. Every last word, down to counting stairs. I was diagnosed back in the 60's.

Only you can make the medication decision. I know this- there are people who- because of their fears about meds- only take them for a period of time. Just long enough to develop new strategies and get them firmly in place. That might work for you.

See a doc. Consider Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT has a great track record for ADHDers.

Quit kicking yourself for what you AREN'T. You bring some solid stuff to the table. I know that you are focusing on the stuff that isn't being addressed because it is driving you bats right now but try to be a little easier on yourself. The route through ADHD is life long. It's good to see where your areas of improvement are but quit beating yourself.

I do have a tip re: reminders. I use them too and did the same thing that you describe- dismiss the reminder and not do the task. My partner got me in the habit of leaving the reminder on the screen until the task was complete. I added a "nag" to the reminder so that if I didn't get up and do the task, it would drive me nuts. It works for me.

Keep hanging out here. We can be a tough crowd and are willing to hold you accountable. That can be a real help.

You are welcome to PM me any time.

[sothisiswhy]

I just want to thank you for this post. I can totally relate to everything you wrote.