grass chit hits the fan

[Ian]

Hi all.

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...6184#post66184

This thread noted above spurred me to ask some questions around home this week-end about my use of grass. The kids aren't blind to my history of abuse. Obviously Pierrette isn't either. I cleaned up in the spring of 1990.

She's terrified that I'm smoking grass. I remain sceptical but open. I must say I'm less sceptical after this week-ends discussions at home. We talked almost the entire week-end about root issues, goals and performance in the context of grass and meds. The investigationi was wide ranging and far reaching. It was an intense time. The kids were unanimous and decidedly happier about me and the progress I've been showing. My kids aren't trained to tolerate bs well. Over the years my credability has eroded to a pitiful state with them. I see some respect creeping into their eyes, words and actions.

Throughout, I was very excited to find myself standing on firm ground. I could make rational arguments face to face. It was almost like I had a memory! I wasn't threatened by Pierrette's obvious discomfort but that's likely my stronger self esteem making that possible. I hope it's not just arrogant ego at any rate.

The family discussions were great. I got to use some of my new found athleticism making love last night. Pierrette looked for all the world like she might be happy before, during and after. I know I know.. TMI! It's just my loose way of saying that the investigations into the bigger picture were unifiying rather than divisive. Sex isn't evil is it? Pierrette is not well and is loosing weigth still. She's down to (she wouldn't say) below 110 pounds from 125 at Christmas and she can't stop loosing it. I'm not interested in introducing more stess for her just now. I'm hoping some peace will help her. Resolution is what I think happened for her too.

I have used a lot of grass over the years but have never thought much about what it does for me. I have tried to explore and spur my memory and thoughts in this forum to try and render some use out of a period in my life where grass played a significant role.

I've been smoking again for a few weeks and everyone in the family noticed a change. I came to a crisis point back then where I could no longer sustain the internal second guessing about every move and comment I make. Anxiety was agrivated by the degree to which I was trying to follow a rule set. Now I am making it up as I go. I am responsible. Anxiety still plays an interfering role with me but Zen may have some clues to offer me. What I am left with after so much talk this week-end is that I'm more negative than I need to be. I have to be awake to the process on an ongoing basis. Dex seems to play a huge role on that point.

Relatively speaking I live a pretty narrow existence these days. I get lots and lots of physical exercise. I eat a Pooh load of fresh veggies, fruit, lean protein, insoluble fibre while keeping bread, pasta, rice and potatoes to a minimum. Almost all my workout tasks are related to house, yard and general "family" benefit hard work. My self respect and pride in my surroundings is taking a big jump forward. Historically I'm a couch potato at this time of year. My nose, throat and sinuses have issues with pollen and the load on my immune system usually renders me plugged, dripping and dull. Not so this year. I have had one other year where this has happened. I was fit going into that spring too.

I am in love with Canada's CBC radio. It's often a profound window into free thought. One of the stronger long running series is played in the evening. It's called simply enough, Ideas.

Years ago I heard them discuss grass on Ideas. I can't remember much of the discussion, but I do remember that it was suggested that grass is cross culturally used as a numbing or pacifying agent to help in the passing of hard physical labour. I wonder if this isn't helping me be more demanding of my body and tolerant of what bores me. God only knows how easy I am to bore. It's a running joke now between my youngest (10) Manon and myself when the conversation lags. I bore easily! She is so much like me. I'm reveling in the knowledge that being me has an upside! Manon seems to be gathering steam in a positive way.

I don't see the grass as interfering in my stimulants. I take 10mg dex/slow release at 7:30am or so and another dex/quick release at 3:30pm. I was taking the quick/r at 4:30pm but that left me a little grumpy when the kids got off the bus. Me bad.

The long and the short of it is that I've more than enough energy to carry my responsibilities through. The exciting part is that I have so much energy that's it's looking feasible to take on bigger and longer lasting projects that require a sustained effort. This of course was the goal set back in February.

Work really came on board well last week. I plowed through a lot of work. I was happy with the quality. I made some people happy that had been waiting too long to get my attention. I hope to continue that trend with my vision firmly set on the immediate tasks and not the bigger picture.

I worked like a Trojan all week-end and am a long way from depressed. I am taking a day of rest today from almost everything. The family goals and expectations are all back on the same page with everyone else at home and I never moved a muscle in pain over the crisis. Better yet I think I eased some pain for others. Saturday I was so calm it was scary. I had read the comments on Zen here and particularly ADHD prior to Saturday and was inspired.

If anyone has papers and references to research that has undergone a peer review regarding the merits and demerits of using grass besides the smoke being bad for you, please post links or references.

http://www.parliament.uk/commons/lib...0/rp00-074.pdf I found this paper useful.

Cheers! Ian.

[paulbf]

How much are you smoking? My warning is that it tends to be real nice for a while then gets to be too much eventally but maybe that's because of no moderation. If you hadn't smoked in 14 years you could have a few years of harmless pleasure before it catches up with you again.

[Ian]

Thanks Paul.
I am smoking two inhales a day. More than that and I'm hung over the next day. I tend to smoke early rather than late. Afternoon smoke leaves me dopy the next morning.

It's not clean like the dex. It tends to drag if I take more.

Cheers! Ian.