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Old 04-28-10, 04:50 AM
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so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

so, moderators, move it as you see fit. i know you may have short attention spans but bear with me, i'm pretty desperate for a solution.

i've talked about this with 12 different people who all offered me different solutions. my friends are sick of it. so here i am. i'm not quite sure what to do. i am beginning to think maybe i suffer from some sort of depression. maybe atypical maybe bi polar. it takes me a very very long time to get over a failed relationship, maybe longer than normal, definitely in the past more than a year. sometimes my emotions go out of control when i lose control of a life situation and i start thinking about death. and oh yes do i ever ruminate about how sad i feel.

the scariest part is, what has stopped me before is the notion that loved ones will have to clean it up. now lately, i've been thinking of going somewhere public like a park or a bridge. i wrote my first "suicide note" when i was 9. i'm 25 now. but then, it simply expressed a desire to die and how much i hated myself. but as far as i can tell i never said, "i want to kill myself." i think at that point in my life i didn't know that possibility existed.

i promise this post has a point. but if you have read this long thank you. nothing is ever simple with me. it might take a very long time for you to read. but i was told this place treats people like family here..

in december of 2008 i got out of a 4 year relationship, and while i think for the most part i am over him, there are still traces of a ghost every time my current boyfriend and i have a semi serious fight. i think of things my ex said bad about me and i try to do better. my last serious ex, let's call him musician was a huge cheater (the last year we went long distance and it was 5 or so girls a week his room mates later confessed) and suffers from ptsd. to this day he just "deals with it". he used to call me names and if he was angry would throw things, not at me. it was more of a verbally abusive relationship.

but i never gave up on him. we even discussed marriage. but like i said in december 2008 he dumped me.

in late april 2009 i began dating again casually. along comes long time friend let's call him film maker, who i met a few months before i started dating musician. i think to this day i had a tiny crush on him. and maybe he liked me but we never said anything to each other probably because if a guy shows tiny interest in me, it takes awhile for me to realize it. i'm pretty oblivious. in late april 2009 film maker propositioned me, and at first i refused, because at that point we had become quite good friends and i didn't want to risk anything.

in may 2009 i changed my mind. i stopped dating others casually and we started fooling around. a lot. because i was curious about the whole fwb thing and also i thought, film maker is harmless, i can use him to get over musician. i know, you're probably rolling your eyes. as you know people don't think all the time. we started acting like a couple, he said things that you would say to a girlfriend.

in june of 2009 he left for 2 months to work on some indie film through some people he met at sundance. and this is when i suspected he started sleeping with one of his friends there. and i fell in love with him.

in august of 2009 he came back and we picked up right where we left off. this continued until mid october where it ended. film maker now lives elsewhere hundreds of miles away because he couldn't find work here. before he was working on indie films here and having a day job. and i made it quite clear i don't do long distance. but i even considered moving there. for that last month we did try to "date" although it was more of a friend/lover hybrid. he always did introduce me as "friend'.

wait folks, it gets even more complicated! at the beginning of october 2009 i met a close friend of his. let's call him news guy. we started hanging out. film maker even told news guy not to hit on me the night we met i later found out.

after film maker left, news guy and i hung out even more. one night i wondered what the hell was wrong with me and i realized the two of them are very similar in nature. at first i thought it was wrong to date a friend of an "ex" (still blurry if he is in fact an ex). after a bit i decided i was sick of being nice. in november i asked news guy out. news guy asked film maker permission and he seemed surprised i asked news guy out but he seemed happy about it i am told.

today i think it's because he was having trouble deciding between me and that girl he was with all summer.

months go by and i was happy. in the back of my mind film maker was in the back of my mind but i brushed it aside because news guy and i were together a lot. there wasn't time to really think of film maker. film maker was having trouble making friends and going places in the gulf coast, and since i was familiar with the area he was messaging me and also saying he missed his friends in chicago. but it wasn't weird between us.

every year i go to the gulf coast to help rebuild houses. i usually go with a group but this year i was tired of being restricted by the "no alcohol waiver" college groups sign. i wanted to visit on my own. since i had nowhere to stay (i don't know anyone who lives there), i called film maker.

my friends thought my boyfriend was insane for okaying my staying there and told me not to because it would drive news guy insane. if it did, he's never said anything to me about it.

so i visited; we acted like as before, as best friends before things got complicated. the setup at film maker's house was weird though, because his bedroom had no ceiling. and while he never told me then, he was dating that same girl long distance. i slept in the next room and i could, depending on how loud he was hear their phone conversations. it was very strange.

because i booked so last minute, i guess he had planned to visit her or whatever. fine, i could hang out with his room mate the remaining 3 days of my stay. his room mate, was a depressed guy who did try to be social and we did go out, but locked himself in his room a lot.

and even worse, film maker loaned me his room to sleep in which just made me depressed all over again. i haven't quite recovered since. and this was 2 months ago. before i left i wrote a letter expressing how angry i was for ****ing up a perfectly good friendship (we were inseparable) and how i have fewer friends these days because as people age, friends start to move in and out of your life at a faster rate than before. people become busy. it's the very good friends that manage to stick around in spirit most of the time.

and i told film maker i get angry for being irresponsible. i told him about how a similar situation with another friend of mine went down with one of his girl friends and it took my friend 5 years to completely get over it. i told film maker i didn't want to take 5 years to get over it. he called me late at night a few nights later but we only talked a few minutes because we were both exhausted. but he did say to call anytime.

i don't call because he's terrible at returning calls these days as am i. but there are nights where i do seek closure about some things. we used to talk on the phone as friends but even then he was bad at it. but i didn't have any urgency as i do now. film maker told me he hasn't talked to anybody about it except journaled. for the most part he ignores me and i him because we both are very very busy.

but back to the depression thing i mentioned before. i've always felt suicidal when under high stress situations such as news deadlines or **** from my mother. she started comparing me at a young age to my heroin addicted uncle "you don't want to become like him" whenever i "acted out" and as a kid began feeding me homepathic remedies as a way to "fix my adhd" brain. maybe she was on to something, but back then i just wanted normalcy.

even though she no longer says this because i told my dad about it, the feelings are definitely still there.

journalism is in trouble. when i graduate from college no one will know where journalism will be. news guy talks to me all the time about the tv station he works for down sizing. and although i have sense enough to realize tv is taking the hardest hit he says radio/web journalism is in the same boat. this i do not believe because podcasts are popular. interactive news articles are popular. and it's not helping that since we are in the middle of a recession, everyone is hurting. news guy boyfriend never says to change my career directly though but i think he is saying it indirectly.

also, news guy and i are past the honeymoon phase of the relationship. we're really getting to know each other as they say. he's not as patient as one might think. while initially he comes across as laid back, i think the stress of his job is getting to him. the fact that he cares enough to help take care of his grandma on sundays is getting to him. i am getting to him because i am not always attentive.

we both also suspect he is adhd because he is forgetful and is often accused of not listening. he also gets that "spaced out look" i do. i also have this tendency to interrupt conversation and blurt out words. he doesn't do that.

we even tried a code word to say in public or hand holding for my word vomit but i think he forgets to do it sometimes. and so, we don't listen to each other always.

he gets mad i interrupt. and lately we've been fighting over little things that are quite silly. he sometimes calls me "****ing idiot" and i let it go. but finally i told him to stop because it reminds me too much of my mother calling me "heroin junkie in the making". i even asked him point blank if he's ever called his sister or mother this. and he's said yes. i'm giving him a chance to change though.

today, it's gotten worse. we were chatting online on and off. but then he called me on the way to catching the subway train. we both know i hate talking on the phone while waiting for a train because i can never hear. and no one knows when the train's coming so that loud noise can interrupt conversation at any time. most people can't do this. anyway, he called me in midst of catching a train. and since it was so damn loud on my end i could not hear him saying "i gotta go train's here" all i did hear was a roar and i didn't know if he was at the turnstile or waiting for the train doors to open. the next thing i heard over the phone is, "baby you made me miss my train".

no i didn't. you missed your train because you chose not to put your phone away in time or clearly cannot multi task while catching a train. i don't think most people can.

after "baby you made me miss my train" he hung up on me angrily. when he called me back a few minutes later i told him to stop calling me before he boards trains. that prompted him to hang up again and then he turned his phone off.

the stress of his job at the tv station combined with dating someone with adhd is getting to him.

and frankly, the name calling, his indirect saying "change your career" is driving me back towards the idea of dating film maker. i wonder if i wasn't ready to visit him in the gulf coast

i told news guy to encourage me in my career choice; but most of the time he won't even listen to my radio show, because i think it reminds him of the days he was in radio or he's very busy at work. and he's given up most of his interests for a job he hates most of the time. he's working on it though he says.

i should mention by the way film maker is dating someone almost identical to me. she works in media production as do i and we dress similarly and have the same taste in nearly everything. it's very strange.

and while all of this is going on, the lack of control of emotions i am having isn't helping. also i drink coffee as a substitute for ritalin because my insurance won't cover drugs.

congrats if you got all the way through. i am seeing a therapist thursday. to talk about possibly getting me on antidepressants because i am frightened of how out of control my emotions get since i was 9. but even more scared of how it might interact in the future with ritalin or making me more depressed. but i am sick of this. i am really trying to be film maker's friend. i wish i could get it back to the way it was before it was complicated. also i am thinking of dumping news guy and going solo to clear my head. i just want control of my life. the thoughts of suicide haven't stopped since i was very young. what should i do?
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Old 04-28-10, 10:17 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

Kipong, how do you do?

.. ive never really understood exactly how that phrase is suppose to mean what it is apparently supposed to mean.. or exactly what it is apparently supposed to mean.. anyway.

I can tell you that i have a similar experience, and a similar response to life. And no your not crazy. I myself come from a home that was directly destroyed by heroin use, and that in itself seems to have affected me personally in a couple interesting ways. One of which was how i manage my emotional self worth. As a child growing up in a home where my parents affections were spent on my other siblings trials and tribulations, i spent a majority of my life alone - in my own home. As well because of obvious factors, it was a very violent home at times.

This completely screwed with my evaluation of who i should be as a person caught up in the Social Exchange theory of almost any relationship, because i already assumed that my self worth wasnt worth enough by itself (as just me) to maintain a healthy relationship.

Now i cant say that any of that has anything to do with bridging together your experiences, and how that relates to your relationships.. but it seems that you place an extremely high value on relationships.. and judging by the way you mention how difficult it is for you to get over them, i wonder how much you identify/personalize yourself, with the success or failures of those relationships?

And i think on the relationship end of things, you seem to be doing a bit of self torture that is a bit arbitrary, and unnecessary. Like going out to the coast to stay with your ex (well not TO stay with your ex.. but that is what you did when you were out there), that seemed a bit like your inner Sadist, setting you up i must admit..

I'm no Psychoanalyst.. but from what you've talked about, the possibility of being BiPolar would not be the first think i would give my attention to.. I would probably give my attention to being single for a good healthy period of time.. by choice, and dont do it for the sake of "being single".. do it for the sake of getting to know yourself., to do some skillbuilding, learning better internal coping mechanisms and reconstruct a few things that (i myself) had grown up with. I myself had to readjust what my actual goals and values were for the purpose of relationships.. what my self actualizations were, and if they had anything to do with just ME... and just general readjustments to my scope on things. Its amazing how if certain areas of our life are out of sync by just one little thing.. it can seem to throw the whole balance of things catastrophically off... It seems like this could be a good opportunity for yourself to do this too.. and what an outstanding opportunity to do it =)

I feel that you're going in to talk to someone about this is a critically wise decision. Its often hard to sit there in the mess of your current mindset and filter through all of that by yourself.

Keep us posted here And welcome to the forums

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Old 04-29-10, 12:36 PM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

I didn't actually have the stamina to read everything through, but I definitely know the pattern. Been there, done that.

Have you thought of why you keep chasing after guys who aren't fair to you?

To avoid misunderstandings I'll use the "me" angle, since your story is so much like mine and many other's.
I was desperate to be loved. But at the same time I was (and still am) convinced that nobody will ever love me, because I'm not loveable.

A guy could be unfair to me, and when he came back and said sweet words I of course took him back.
Every time something bad happened I went down in deep depression, and taking them back didn't make things better since I knew I shouldn't.

To say "you're worth much better" just made me feel worse, because I "knew" that I wasn't.

Remember that men can't treat you bad if you don't let them.
But to put an end to it takes a lot of work.

Personally I started by simply pretending to be strong, saying things a stronger woman would have, but not really believing it.

If a man cheats on you once, you have to stop seeing him entirely.
Knowing your own weaknesses you must also refrain from emails and chats.

With ADHD you can become depressed from stress, from being misunderstood and from a number of other things. It's part of many ADHD'ers daily life.
The only way to stop it is to identify the stress factors and remove them from your life.

Bipolar depression isn't triggered by outside factors as ADHD depression is.
Newborn on November 19th 2008 when the ADHD diagnose hit me. Since then diagnosed with ASD as well.
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Old 05-07-10, 08:35 PM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

If you are truly seeing a counselor you must not be being honest with them. If you told them how often or seriously you are thinking about suicide, I'm not sure you would have access to a computer right now. You should look into maybe getting on a generic ADHD med. that is on a Walmart $4 deal or similar program. My opinion is you need some time alone. I would have to say none of these men you have mentioned are real men. Isn't there any men in Chicago who know how to treat a woman? I have no respect for a man that would cuss at his own mother or put down a girlfriend to make himself feel superior. Just be honest with your shrink and try to keep a positive attitude.

Good luck,
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Old 05-11-10, 09:53 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

I didn't catch how old you are but can relate to some of what you are going through. I am now 41 but back in my early teens/20's, I had a real issue with ending relationships. Even when I was the one to end it, I still had to "hold" on. But, let me be the one to get dumped and it would consume my every thought, every emotion, devastate (sp?) me. I now look back and can't believe how I could let someone else dictate and drive my emotions so strongly that it would consume me. I know this is easy for me to say and I can't say I took the same advice when I was so wrapped up in other relationships, but, honestly, if someone is causing you so much heartache, grief, stress, sadness, they are not worth your effort. I couldn't grasp that back then but do now. Perhaps it is just something that comes with age.

I hope you find the peace you so deserve!
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Old 05-18-10, 07:21 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum


Well, some parts in your post reminded me of myself.

I'm reading a great book now, which helps me a lot, it's called
" Codependence no more" by Melody Beattie.
Made me realize that sometimes I fall for screwed up / complicated men and then try to "fix / save" them.

I'm also obsessed to death when it comes to relationships.
and yes, you MUST see a therapist, but I would suggest not to stick to meds only.

I started cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with those issues...and it's an absolute must if you want to gain control of your life again.
I'm also on anti depressants, but it's only to keep some sort of emotional balance.
It will not cure the obsession and co dependency part.

Please do keep us posted...I understand your pain. I am living with a similar issue for many years...
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Old 05-18-10, 08:09 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

I have to admit that I couldn't absorb the whole thing, but I saw a lot of similarities between you and me scattered throughout. What everyone else has contributed already is good advice. See a doctor. Take care of the depression. See a therapist to work out getting your self esteem out of the control of other people.

If you get help, you have the potential for a happy life. If you kill yourself, then you'll never know what that's like. Don't punish yourself, take care of yourself. You're seeing a doctor, that's the first step. Keep going, there really is hope!
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Old 11-23-10, 01:51 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum

Hey guys - I just wanted to let you know all is well. I am single and happy. Life's less complicated this way..
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Old 11-23-10, 09:19 AM
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Re: so i have no idea if this should go in the private relationship forum


Glad to hear you're doing well. I hope that is true. I want you to know that I can relate so much to all of your feelings in your prior posts. I'm 44 now, but until I unplannfully became pregnant and had my first child - my life was MISERABLE! I was depressed and suicidal about every other year. And TODAY I still have trouble with relationships, but because I'm plugged into the "Adult World" of being a parent (and until recently, being employed) I know I have to behave like an adult and must find other things to focus on besides the pain of these losses. As much as I don't like to be forced to cope, it does help. And I have learned that there are plenty of relationships to be had in life and when one door closes, another one opens.

Please take care, and tell someone (who will take you seriously) if you ever feel suicidal again. I believe that life will get much less troublesome for you as time goes by. You may want to find a counselor who is sensitive to the pain some people feel after losing a relationship. The counselor I have now is like that, and she's the first out of LOTS that I've seen. It's been very healing for me to have someone be able to empathize with my pain.

Sorry to ramble. I'll be thinking of you and am wishing you well.

Sue :-)
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