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  #1  
Old 05-06-10, 12:11 PM
AmyAcer AmyAcer is offline
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learning not to react rashly when being upset

i been doing this all my life... some one hurts me emotionally and i react either screaming at them or leaving. This includes leaving factions in a game, forums, my ex, my family... not just removing myself for the time being but leaving with the intentions of never comming back. After a a day or so i get depressed and come back and there all defensive wondering why i was upset and why did i come back ect... which makes me even more emotional. This not only hurts me with the stress level and adriniline rush (which i really hate) but hurts others too and they dont understand. God forbid if i try to explain it to them cuz they see it as self pity or a crutch. How can i stop doing this? Is it really ok for me to sit in my house and not talk to anyone because people freak me out get me upset to the point of crying then leave? I am so scared to even talk to anyone cuz something may come out wrong and they retaliate or i do something that offends someone. I dont want to do or say anything wrong. I can think one thing and open my mouth and something completely twisted comes out and its soooo not what i was thinking... its like i over react to being hurt emotionally. arnt my feelings real?


ps. im not on meds. they still trying to figure out what one is right for me. trying to cope without them for the time being
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Old 05-06-10, 12:52 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

It's not wrong at all to protect yourself (and others) from something that you find stressful and upsetting.

What you are describing regularly alters personalities and ruins lives.

Meds haven't taken this problem away but they have given me that 10th of a second to try and rescue myself before it's too late.

I'm working with a coach to try and make the most of that 10th of a second.

I'll try and remember to update you. It's not only you xx
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Old 05-06-10, 01:22 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

It may feel like it will kill but learning to do nothing, and say nothing and to walk away will safe you countless headaches. This does not mean becoming a door mat, sometimes people gotta be pushed back, and if you can find a means to do this with humour then do so. It works best.

Look up 'one liners' on the net. Write a few useful ones down (not just the funniest ones) then.. deflect, walk away, go for a walk, go some place privately and throw yourself down and scream, what ever it takes.

Come here, use the vent thread, write out a massive spew on a note pad.. get it out.. wait until you're calmer.. then try and think of a response.. trust me.. people will respond to a complaint lodged half an hour or a day later.

Especially a complaint that's been thought thru. Your feelings are real, the expression of them unfiltered blows the eyebrows off people. It's not easy.
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Old 05-06-10, 01:29 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Simplebear: This is a really great and important post. Learning not to react to situations that provoke your reactions is really key to being a healthy happy person.

The best way I found to lessen my reactions by 90% [I still react sometimes ] is learning to become aware of my thoughts and emotions as they come and go throughout the day. This way my emotions don't overtake "me".

When an emotion begins to happen, I'm like an observer who witnesses the emotion pass through me, I try and a not attach to it, and identify with that thought or emotion as reality.

This way I'm calm and can consciously respond to a situation in an appropriate way, not react in an inappropriate manner.

Quote:
arnt my feelings real?
I used to think all of my feelings were the most real thing about me, but I was an extremely emotional person and would keep people out of my life and make bad decisions because of emotions.

What I have learned is that emotions aren't real. It's the "I" who experiences and observers the emotions that is real. Emotions come and go, they change, they are never permanent. One moment your happy, the next your sad, the one after that your complacent, maybe after that you're not feeling anything at all, but just doing something.

What is real is the person who is experiencing them. The only reality is the one we're experiencing right now, this moment. It's when you identify with the emotions as reality that problems and pain arises.

So to not react to your emotions, you must learn not to identify with them, i.e. feed them your energy and focus. You must learn to let them come and go and be aware of them, but not "become" them.

One of the best teachers of this practice is a man named Eckhart Tolle, who wrote a book called "The Power of Now".

If I were you, I'd get that book and learn to master your emotional reactions through something called "presence", which is just a state where you're aware of what's happening but you don't become attached/lost in it.

Good luck. Seeking help is the first step towards not reacting, so you're definitely on the right path.

***edit***

I want to elaborate on what is real. Are the thoughts in our heads reality? No they are not. They are just an image or concept each of us has about reality.

Who I think I am is not who I really am. The same can be said for emotions. What I feel about something that is happening is not what is happening. The only thing that is real is what is happening right here, right now.

My thoughts and feelings can be hints about what is real, but when I look at it honestly, they are often very far off from the reality of what's happening. Especially when I'm in the middle of an emotional reaction. The emotions that we observe are real, but they are not who we are, and they are not representative of reality.
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Old 05-06-10, 01:49 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

what a confusing post abomb. i didnt read all of it i cant focus that long lol... im sure it makes sense somehow
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Old 05-06-10, 03:54 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Yah i agree, it's pretty confusing lol I'm just saying there are lots of ways not to react, and you need to find what works for you, and the only way to do that is to keep looking for help and trying things out.
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Old 05-06-10, 09:17 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

I have a lot of trouble controlling my emotions too. If someone is mean, I burst into tears, if I get frustrated, I yell, or chuck a temper tantrum, if I'm excited I talk a lot and smile heaps. The negative emotions can be embarrassing, especially seeing other peoples reactions and my 16yo daughter thinking I'm acting like a child. Which I guess I am. Usually I just try and get away from the situation so I can calm down, except if my emotions are positive, because then I do want to share them with everyone. I find putting myself in time out works best for me, if I remember to. But yeah, I really do dislike this aspect of myself and wish I could control it better.
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Old 05-06-10, 09:46 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Getting in to a new habit, such as taking a deep breath or three, can be hard but its worth it.

So it learning to chant (in your head) "This is not the end of the world" or "Don't take it personally" or "I'm sure they mean well"
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Old 05-06-10, 11:46 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Just some suggestions:

Pare down your people to it's most minimum and try to tell them everything making them your home-base.

Spread out after the coast is clear and report back to base when freaked out.

Drink .5% beer when needed

Stay thirsty my friend
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Old 05-07-10, 12:21 AM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

dont understand half of what you said and i dont drink (14 years sober)
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Old 05-07-10, 06:29 AM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

I just try to keep my mouth shut in the moment. Works sometimes, depends on my mood and what the other person is saying/doing. Meds certainly do help in the shutting-mouth department!
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Old 05-07-10, 06:38 AM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

As some may have already suggested, Just walk away. A lot of people really just look for a reaction and they don't really care to actually debate, talk or know you.

If someone is getting up in your face and you respond. Their response after wards being silly or someone not making any sense, then they are just looking for attention.

As others already stated learn to control it, to walk away, to respond in a calm fashion (My favorite as this typically frustrates them). Don't give them the satisfaction.
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Old 05-07-10, 12:29 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

It also helps to keep in mind that most of the time, people are not out to get you. In fact most the the time people are not trying to hurt you, they are trying to avoid any hurt they might receive.

Everyone is the hero of the story in thier own mind, and everyone is not thinking about you, they are thinking about themselves. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know.

We always want other people to give us a break, to excuse mistakes, to allow for us putting our foot in our mouths, we want everyone to give us the benefit of the doubt, but do we do that for everyone else?
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Old 05-07-10, 12:37 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simplebear View Post
dont understand half of what you said and i dont drink (14 years sober)
.5% beer is de-alcoholized beer or more affectionately known as near beer but steer clear away from it if you have 2.
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Old 05-07-10, 01:18 PM
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Re: learning not to react rashly when being upset

Quote:
Originally Posted by eshkaron View Post
.5% beer is de-alcoholized beer or more affectionately known as near beer but steer clear away from it if you have 2.
i do not drink eshkaron. i am a recovering alcoholic. and i hated beer even when i was drinking...
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