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  #1  
Old 06-28-10, 11:39 PM
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A bit stressed, man... need to vent.

This might as well go out in space towards people who have a better chance of understanding.

It's been nearly a full month with meds. It's been good.

I've enjoyed more, I've done more... I feel like I "know" where to start.

Stressed about good things, I suppose. Work -- lots of work -- but I like it, although I am still frustrated with some aspects of my performance.

I feel the fog (for lack of better word?) creep over me when I'm at work sometimes and there goes my ability to put field supplies away without debating where the stinkin' shovel should go or my ability to effectively navigate Home Depot...The fog brings more missing objects I have to waste time finding, like my tape measure I set down in the bathroom? The fog makes it difficult resuming tasks after being interrupted. It just... makes it slow.

I never knew what the "fog" was until I started meds. When I took them the first day, it made sense how other people live. For a couple days I was disturbed, I almost didn't want my normal brain to come back at the end of the night. I've found a sour-sweet relationship with coming off the meds. Some nights I return to feeling anxious about all the things I must do. This went away, simply put, when I was reminded about the tortoise and the hare, and when my friend reminded me that I'll get there -- to give myself a break and think about all the things that I DID do. The sweet is I've been able to enjoy my mind's meanderings at night, even to keeping a notebook for the 1st time since high school.

Lots of projects to get done at work, lots of due dates -- but I'm going on vacation next week. Backpacking. Grand Canyon. With my sisters and dad. This will be the first time we will have all been together all at the same time for nearly 10 years. This... is scary. Family dynamics. Biting nails. Also, gathering gear and equipment.

Very happy with meds helping me plan out items I need, gathering items gradually (rather than 1 day before...). Very happy to have patients to visit more than one store in a day -- Target, REI, North Face, Bank, Grocery Store, Sport's Authority... Glad to have not bought a pair of shoes just to get the task over with. Taking my time doesn't feel like such a burden.

Weekends have been relatively full -- k-12 out reach even, antiques and collectibles fair, bridal shower, rearranging furniture & cleaning house, helping friends move, and a get-together of old neighbors for a night.

Work days have been relatively full with little projects. I've been working on mixed CDs and homemade cases for a friends road trip (huge endeavor going thru music) and have been working on a birthday present for another friend who moved cross country (I call the present "taste of home" as I plan on shipping her favorite dishes from her favorite places--group gift though!) also have been working on a cute kirigami pop-up birthday card, made an antennae for a friend's neighbor, etc, etc.

I realize, I would WANT to do all those things. But, without meds nothing would have gotten done, or at least would not be getting done as well as it is now. I feel jipped that when the medication wares off, there is just parts of my brain that I know are firing, but there's some kind of disconnect. I felt for a few days that if I know what it's like being on the meds, then I can function like that off the meds too. It's humbling.

I've been stressed and I am stressed. I've been doing a lot more than usual, the upcoming week will be lots of prep, lots of ends being tied, only to jump back from vacation with a more hectic schedule at both home and work, including trials requiring traveling.

Earlier, I started picking up the apartment a bit. I noted, that even though the meds have worn off for the day, if I did half of everything I have done in the past month off meds--the LAST thing I would be doing is considering to figure out which can is recycling/compost/trash and where to put all the crap I just picked up.

So, I'm stressed...but I'm not exhausted. I feel like I can do it.

It's nice being "present" in conversations, it's nice being appropriate without trying. It's nice feeling like the relationships I have aren't happening on another channel while I'm looking at another one. It's nice not abruptly changing the subject -- when talking about personal stuff with my close friends, it's OK -- but not others.

It's mostly rude when I ask a question like, "How is your little sister doing?" After they respond back, "She's hanging in there, her thyroid problems are difficult though" I am over somewhere else, "So, you know how Cynthia found a tick on Danny's cat...? I was thinkin..." Only to have the little sister and the thyroid issue brought back up next week sometime (after having it pop into my head multiple times since)...Close friends, this doesn't matter--close friends have an attention span about like mine.

It's nice not being distracted by sounds, by odd shadows, by people especially in public places. Instead of feeling anxious because I can't pay attention to everything, I'm actually relaxed enough to pay attention to what matters.

Errphfagle..

Rumma sassa frassa errum.

Walla oogie!
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  #2  
Old 06-28-10, 11:57 PM
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Re: A bit stressed, man... need to vent.

I was just at the Grand Canyon. We only had a day there so we took a helicopter flight over it. It is truly amazing to see that gift from the creator and know that you are in the presence of the purely awesome.

The wonderful thing is that there is so much to see and experience in that place that your brain gets happy and stays happy.

Try to revel in where you are and who you are today. Sounds like you are doing just that.
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If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
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Old 06-29-10, 11:43 AM
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Re: A bit stressed, man... need to vent.

Quote:
Lots of projects to get done at work, lots of due dates -- but I'm going on vacation next week. Backpacking. Grand Canyon. With my sisters and dad. This will be the first time we will have all been together all at the same time for nearly 10 years. This... is scary. Family dynamics. Biting nails. Also, gathering gear and equipment.

Very happy with meds helping me plan out items I need, gathering items gradually (rather than 1 day before...). Very happy to have patients to visit more than one store in a day -- Target, REI, North Face, Bank, Grocery Store, Sport's Authority... Glad to have not bought a pair of shoes just to get the task over with. Taking my time doesn't feel like such a burden.

Weekends have been relatively full -- k-12 out reach even, antiques and collectibles fair, bridal shower, rearranging furniture & cleaning house, helping friends move, and a get-together of old neighbors for a night.

Work days have been relatively full with little projects. I've been working on mixed CDs and homemade cases for a friends road trip (huge endeavor going thru music) and have been working on a birthday present for another friend who moved cross country (I call the present "taste of home" as I plan on shipping her favorite dishes from her favorite places--group gift though!) also have been working on a cute kirigami pop-up birthday card, made an antennae for a friend's neighbor, etc, etc.
Now this is what I call, getting it done!! You deserved to be happy and fulfilled..
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Old 06-29-10, 01:08 PM
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Thumbs up Re: A bit stressed, man... need to vent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fleisch View Post
...
It's nice being "present" in conversations, it's nice being appropriate without trying. It's nice feeling like the relationships I have aren't happening on another channel while I'm looking at another one. It's nice not abruptly changing the subject -- when talking about personal stuff with my close friends, it's OK -- but not others.

It's mostly rude when I ask a question like, "How is your little sister doing?" After they respond back, "She's hanging in there, her thyroid problems are difficult though" I am over somewhere else, "So, you know how Cynthia found a tick on Danny's cat...? I was thinkin..." Only to have the little sister and the thyroid issue brought back up next week sometime (after having it pop into my head multiple times since)...Close friends, this doesn't matter--close friends have an attention span about like mine.

It's nice not being distracted by sounds, by odd shadows, by people especially in public places. Instead of feeling anxious because I can't pay attention to everything, I'm actually relaxed enough to pay attention to what matters.
...

I look forward to this.... I really, really look forward to this. I'm reading all the things you're saying it's nice not to do anymore, and thinking yeah, that's exactly what I do all the time.

My general doctor diagnosed me AD/HD last Friday and put me on Wellbutrin, a mild anti-depressant that is known for some to have affects on AD/HD. If it doesn't work we'll move to a stimulant, or perhaps a combination. He mentioned Ritalin.

I like reading these forums and getting a peak of everyone else's analogies. The fog is a well known general feeling, but I can also relate to having relationships, or even day to day interactions, taking place on one channel while I'm on another. I'm not just on one of the other ones though... I have my pic-in-pic on overdrive, showing a half dozen channels at the same time and I'm busy changing what the channels are on each of those, seeing each of them briefly and then moving on. Then wondering what I had just looked at on one of those channels and trying to switch it back because I forgot what it was. Meanwhile the "now" channel is minimized up in the corner... I'm hearing it, I'm even responding to it, and to the people on that channel I think I come across pretty normal most of the time. If only they could understand how many other channels my brain was forcing me to watch at the same time...

I hope you have a wonderful time in the Grand Canyon!!! I love backpacking, but haven't been in... a few years. I've never been to the Grand, but have been somewhere else in the general area. Arizona has some amazing scenery!

Thank you for the insights into your stressful but mentally clear life!
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Old 06-29-10, 09:10 PM
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Re: A bit stressed, man... need to vent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmonkey View Post

I like reading these forums and getting a peak of everyone else's analogies. The fog is a well known general feeling, but I can also relate to having relationships, or even day to day interactions, taking place on one channel while I'm on another. I'm not just on one of the other ones though... I have my pic-in-pic on overdrive, showing a half dozen channels at the same time and I'm busy changing what the channels are on each of those, seeing each of them briefly and then moving on. Then wondering what I had just looked at on one of those channels and trying to switch it back because I forgot what it was. Meanwhile the "now" channel is minimized up in the corner... I'm hearing it, I'm even responding to it, and to the people on that channel I think I come across pretty normal most of the time. If only they could understand how many other channels my brain was forcing me to watch at the same time...
Indeed you understand! I am quite floored at how tricky the past, now and future are in my head... Most of the time, for me, the future isn't here, till it's now (cramming & crisis management). Yet when there is now (especially if having to watch TV or listen in conversations), I'm thinking of something from the past or the future. Information gathered from "now" doesn't get processed until sometime in the future.

I also feel like I can close the window opened to my subconscious a little bit -- very important for me at work, internal distractions frustrating.

I also feel like the room around me isn't spinning and stopping at random -- important for me in public places.

I very much so hope you can get the help you need for your life. Sounds like you have a doctor that is willing to work with you -- for me searching for and settling on a Dr. was a years long process of stop and go procrastination. Keep motivation and proactivity up so you can get the help you need=-) You wont regret it.
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