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  #1  
Old 07-12-10, 06:11 PM
justfordaphne justfordaphne is offline
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how to continue w ADHD bf

My new bf seems astonished at my caring for him, so much so that he is on the verge of breaking up with me. When he hyperfocuses on me, he's absolutely the most charming and sweet man I've ever met. When he's not in my presence, he's wrapped up in his job and his utter inability to handle daily life.

I need some suggestions on how to handle this. I believe this guy's ADHD has severely messed with his past relationships, and he seems to be ready to bolt when someone takes him seriously for something other than fun and games and wants to get involved. He said he's frightened that he isn't used to getting this far with women (in terms of the dating, not the sex) and hopes he will be able to love me back.

Any suggestions ? This is really difficult, but I'm willing to give him some more time.
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Old 07-12-10, 06:40 PM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

To start, point him to the Relationships and Social issues forum. That is a safe place for him to process how to be in a relationship.

Many ADHDers have real difficulty with relationships because the social deftness that you learned as a natural part of growing up, we didn't. So we perceive ourselves and being less than good enough, especially with a non ADHDer. Reassurance will help a ton.

When it looks like he is trying to break up with you, ask him directly if the relationship is getting scary for him and reassure him again that you are in a relationship you want to be in. Reassure him a lot.

Recognize now that his utter inability to handle his life may never improve and be very certain that you are okay with that.

There is a private area in the Relationships forum where he can discuss issues openly that you need a password to access. There is a similar forum here in the non ADHD forum that he can't get the password for. I would encourage you both to use this site for information and understanding.
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Old 07-12-10, 10:37 PM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

How old is he?
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Old 07-12-10, 10:44 PM
justfordaphne justfordaphne is offline
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

57. How does this matter ?
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Old 07-12-10, 10:57 PM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

Well, I didn't look how old you are, so I wanted to know if you were dealing with a 17 year old, or a 57 year old ;o)
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Old 07-13-10, 01:18 AM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

JF Daphne, my partner is 55. I am 47. Age can make a difference.
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Old 07-13-10, 01:52 AM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

Relationships can be scary for anyone, and ADHD people tend to have a heightened sense of fear, just as we tend to have lower self-esteem. The correct counter to fear is calmness and a reassurance. Fear is contagious- you will help him the best if you don't allow yourself to become perturbed by his fear.

If things go well for you two, he will eventually be able to believe that you aren't going to leave him devastated as soon as he opens up to you, but it takes time and patience. You've got to overcome a lifetime of bad experiences, which can take time.

I may know something about this personally. I'm in a great place now in my relationship, but it took over a year.
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Old 02-16-11, 02:04 PM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

When my ADD bf and I first started dating, we had the same issue. Even though we were happy and all was well, he would want to run at the slightest squabble. He had never lasted with anyone else longer than a few months and was convinced that I was going to leave him. It took some time, but he finally realized that I was strong enough to work through some of the frustrating aspects of an ADD relationship. But this is something I had to consistently assure him of.
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Old 04-04-11, 03:37 PM
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Re: how to continue w ADHD bf

i had bad experiences in the past too.its not so much as ex girlfriends havng a problem with my adhd,but more the infidelity and dishonesty of my ex girlfriends!
my new girlfriend is "the one".took a few months to realise this.had a lot of fear and mistrust in the beginning.my ex would act as though all was ok,smilin,jokin,arms round me,etc.it was all an act.took me a long time to even start dating again.my new girlfriend had a lot of my baggage to deal with.
give it time,communication and reassurance.he will come round in the end,as long as you love him without condition or measure,and have patience with him.if you have any doubts then it wont work.and dont be scared of him,even if he loses his temper from time to time.a timid partner will do him no favours.
and be prepared for any possible short term memory problems,and repeating conversations he previously had but forgot he had.if he needs to take the trash out in the morning,tell him in the morning!ive lost count of the number of times ive forgot stuff overnight.
and get him a calendar to write down appointments,anniversaries,birdays,etc
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