People Pleasing through the lens of ADD

[crackerbelly]

I was diagnosed with ADD two months ago. I also have PTSD and I'm alcoholic. In addition, I am a people pleaser. I tend to place your needs before my own. This trait is NOT akin to the giving, understanding nature of a good person. Far from it. I simply never factor me in. I am aware that I do it some of the time but not all of the time. There was a time in my life that I just wasn't aware of it. Until my recent diagnosis, I thought that this was some passive-aggressive trait that bubbled up from the tarpit of dysfunction known as the alcoholic family. That is likely a part of it but it never seemed like the whole enchilada to me.

Now I realize how important the desires and wishes of other people are to me. They have been my cues for correct action. I have great difficulty knowing what the next step is at any given moment. If I know what you want, I can cue on that and hopefully achieve some positive outcome. I realize that this was an essential survival strategy in the chaos of an alcoholic family but it also serves well outside that context.....well, to a certain extent. Ultimately it breaks down because I don't end up getting much if any of what I want or need because I am always acting on the wants and needs of others.

But if you ask me what I want or need, I either don't know or it is whatever brainstorm ADD has blown my way at that given moment. I rarely get a reliable answer from my brain. The exception is when in crisis, flight or flight type stuff. Then I am crystal clear.

How do I get in touch with my priorities, my wants, and my needs without signals from other people? Does anyone else face this dilemma? Have you had success in addressing it?

Many thanks in advance.

Later gators,

Crackerbelly in Mount Vernon, WA

[Impetus]

This is part of my "filter" issue. In addition to letting too much info out, I let too much in as well. I have to specifically stop and ask myself what do I want, how do I feel, etc. It took a long time to firgure out what all had to be "run" through those filters. I find I have to ask someone if I can get back to them on x, y or z. Most folks are accomodating.

Then practice has been helpful. I think it has been positive for my self esteem, so I am going to keep it up!

Something I have also had to learn is I don't owe people an explanation. That's been liberating!

[Fitness Guy]

Originally Posted by crackerbelly

I was diagnosed with ADD two months ago. I also have PTSD and I'm alcoholic. In addition, I am a people pleaser.

I am like you by nature. The biggest blessing in my life, and I was also a substance abuser at the time... was I got this sales job where the managers ABSOLUTELY took NO crap from ANYONE. It was practically like being in the military. They whipped me into shape way better than my parents could have ever dreamed.

I cleaned up my act, stopped using drugs, stopped drinking, stopped smoking. The people were actually quite cruel in some ways but they got me straight. I will never forget them or my experience there; it was the best time of my life. I in fact wish I was still there.

I got greedy and decided the company didn't pay me enough so I purposely made my way out of the exit door. What a mistake. The experience the place brought me was worth so much more than the money. That was the only time in my teen or adult years that I was able to be free of substance abuse and behavioral problems. Let me reiterate that my managers were very cruel people-- and this relates to your reliance on serving others.

People at this job taught me to be heartless. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? But it was actually great for me.... because I was like you-- Always serving others instead of myself. I found out it was actually my lack of independence, if even just mental, that ever held me back. Having someone be so hard on me was JUST what I needed and I now wish I had never left.

Turn off the sweet love songs, turn off the quiet and relaxing TV shows. Listen to something abrasive, offensive, and hateful. I myself enjoy the band Slayer for this purpose. Hatebreed is a very abrasive band, although with a positive message. You are too soft. It is not your fault. The world made you this way-- but living in this manner is a sure way to live forever as a weak and dependent person.

You need to learn that your anger and intense feelings can serve you well in pulling you out of this hole. Quit restraining yourself. Quit being the weak person people have led you to be. It's OK to have an attitude, have pride-- What are you living for if not to earn respect, pride, a good life?

I do say that a heavy dose of pride and a light-dose of rebellion can bring you out of this depressing and weak state. And once you are out, never go back. That was the mistake I made. I went back to trusting everyone with my emotions-- letting others influence my ideals and thoughts. Get independent in your mind and never ever go back, no matter what. You will surely find the way to your personal nirvana. Swear.

[ADHDTigger]

Originally Posted by crackerbelly

I was diagnosed with ADD two months ago. I also have PTSD and I'm alcoholic. In addition, I am a people pleaser. I tend to place your needs before my own. This trait is NOT akin to the giving, understanding nature of a good person. Far from it. I simply never factor me in. I am aware that I do it some of the time but not all of the time. There was a time in my life that I just wasn't aware of it. Until my recent diagnosis, I thought that this was some passive-aggressive trait that bubbled up from the tarpit of dysfunction known as the alcoholic family. That is likely a part of it but it never seemed like the whole enchilada to me.

Being a pleaser is a common way for people in dysfunctional environments to "fly under the radar" so to speak. The downside is that it becomes a habit of rote.

The good news is that you see that tendency today and are willing to do something about it. That alone takes some guts.

Originally Posted by crackerbelly

Now I realize how important the desires and wishes of other people are to me. They have been my cues for correct action. I have great difficulty knowing what the next step is at any given moment. If I know what you want, I can cue on that and hopefully achieve some positive outcome. I realize that this was an essential survival strategy in the chaos of an alcoholic family but it also serves well outside that context.....well, to a certain extent. Ultimately it breaks down because I don't end up getting much if any of what I want or need because I am always acting on the wants and needs of others.

Exactly. Many people with ADHD wake up and recognize that they have been using others in theirs lives to model "correct" behavior. While effective, it does tend to leave you wondering if anyone is ever going to care about what YOU need. Not a fun place to be.

Originally Posted by crackerbelly

But if you ask me what I want or need, I either don't know or it is whatever brainstorm ADD has blown my way at that given moment. I rarely get a reliable answer from my brain. The exception is when in crisis, flight or flight type stuff. Then I am crystal clear.

The other, similar place is knowing what you want/need and not being able to communicate it. Or running into a wall of opposition because those around you *think* they know what you want/need.

My husband was the eldest child from an alcoholic household. He had much this issue for many years. The good news is that we were able to get through it.

I used to be an ER nurse. When the poo hit, I always knew what needed to happen next. No brain involved, it was automatic. Lots of ADHDers have that ability.

Originally Posted by crackerbelly

How do I get in touch with my priorities, my wants, and my needs without signals from other people? Does anyone else face this dilemma? Have you had success in addressing it?

Many thanks in advance.

Later gators,

Crackerbelly in Mount Vernon, WA

Sweetie, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHO YOU ARE. You have lived for years being whatever you were told to be.

I don't know if you are working with a therapist or not, but this would be a great thing to bring to that table.

One of the things you can do now is to recognize when you run into something that is meaningful or important to you and take a note. I did this for years as I was going through something similar. I wanted to be me- not everyone's construct of me. I took notes when something resounded for me. I like cats. I like music with comprehendible lyrics, I like playing with my craft toys. All of those things started life as a note to myself.

Hang in there, hon. And welcome to the ADDF!

[crackerbelly]

Thanks all for the words of support and sharing your personal experiences.

Sweetie, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHO YOU ARE.

Tigger, I am a HUGE fan of Socrates' admonition to us, "know yourself". I have been on that quest my whole life. I believe most people in my daily face-to-face life would be surprised that I struggle with this. I own my own business. I teach at a major university. I am a husband, a dad, a grandpa and believe I am loved. And yet I continuously bang up against a wall that has until recently been unseeable. Is there another side of the wall for me or do I simply learn to live with the wall being there?

I am in therapy. I have been to a couple of high brow rehab facilities for treatment, once over thirty years ago for substance abuse and a year ago for PTSD. I continue with my one on one therapy today. It is my most recent therapist who identified my ADD. I wonder now why these highly acclaimed rehabilitation facilities did not identify my ADD. It was not for lack of testing. Actually, I think I'll print this thread and bring it to my next session. In any event, people pleasing is a constant topic for me and my therapist.

Good stuff and again, thanks.

Later gators.

[sarek]

It may not always seem like that but you are learning every day. One day you will wake up and you will have that clearly defined sense of who you are and where your boundaries are and you won't even know when that happened.

Its just a matter of time, though I cant tell you how much. You can help the process along but you can not rush it.

[Abi]

Originally Posted by sarek

It may not always seem like that but you are learning every day. One day you will wake up and you will have that clearly defined sense of who you are and where your boundaries are and you won't even know when that happened.

Its just a matter of time, though I cant tell you how much. You can help the process along but you can not rush it.

Dare I ask what the typical age is for having this epiphany?

[ADHDTigger]

Originally Posted by abi2010

Dare I ask what the typical age is for having this epiphany?

I don't think that there is one. I got part way there in my early thirties, another part in my mid forties. Some I learned while single, some in the midst of my divorce, some in my relationship with my husband.

I don't know that I'm *there* yet. I'm just closer today than I used to be.