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Old 12-04-10, 03:04 PM
MaddyMay MaddyMay is offline
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Unhappy death and depession

I've already had a crying jag this morning and shaking like a leaf. I just registered here and decided to write as I have near nothing left to lose.

My partner died earlier this year. The love of my life yet we had a lot of pretty big problems. My memories now are still a hodgepodge of laughing to tears, hugging, snuggling, but also the 'other side' memories intrude.

I went back to uni. because you're not supposed to make any major changes in the 1st year of a death. I thought it would be the best for me.
It wasn't. I spend most of my time crying on the way to and from school.
Then I wound up feeling extremely alone since none of my former classmates were in classes with me. My stress went way up, but I was still able to drive myself to school.

I wasn't getting back from people what I needed. No support, no caring, no "hope you're having the best Thanksgiving possible without her", no "how are you doing? Do you need to talk?" No one has time to talk. It's been like this all semester. But when they need a listening in, I'm the one they come to.

I reached out - very hard for me to do. I didn't get back anything.

It hurts so much to be trying to calmly state how things are to someone, whether it's a doctor, a counselor, a classmate, or a friend and have ...nothing. No caring. No effort on their part. I'm screaming on the inside "doesn't anyone see how bad off I am?"

Never did I imagine I would get to this point. I've always great
faith in people, till now.

Even though my intellectual side understands a lot of people will go away
when a death occurs due to discomfort, it still hurts.
I rationalized ---I said "no, they
just are in their own world. Me losing her has no affect on them and my
suffering makes them uncomfortable, to the point they don't know what to
say".

I never needed anyone to say anything. But a kind word? A hug? Even a hand
on the shoulder to show caring? oh my god, how much that would of made
a difference to me.

I'm shattered to the core over these hurts.
I don't think anything will happen to make me go back. I'm a bit (!!) agoraphobic in the first place, add on ADD, add on grief, pain, panic, and
I don't know what else to do other than ask my doc to write a note to
my profs and say I am to be at home and would like to finish out
the semester by the internet and/or coming in the take the tests
in a isolated place.

I can't handle seeing my peers again. They have no clue how much I
needed them apparently, it's too late now. I just want this to be over.
Seeing the other kids will make me more angry & upset & hurt. I cry if I even imagine being in the classroom.

Why did I go back? I thought I'd be in a supportive environment with
the normal caring people and that was my main goal...I thought it would
help with the loss of my partner.
It did opposite. I've never felt so alone in my life.

I am not sure if I'm asking for feedback because I haven't written a
question. Writing some of the issues out may help in itself.
See?? I'm now afraid to ask for help or a hand because I just expect
nothing to happen. I'm bitter? I've never been bitter. <--and that makes
me cry too.


I guess if I were to ask a question, it would be: when you had all your
faith in people leave, when you couldn't "pull yourself up", when all
hope seemed gone, what did you do to help yourself?

please don't tell me to leave the house. This is the only place where I feel 'safe'
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Old 12-04-10, 04:12 PM
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Re: death and depession

It could be that people are just mistaken and screwing up, but not fundamentally bad. I think death's such a dreadful thing that a lot of people will go on tiptoes out of ... how can I put it?

When a relative I grew up with was dying, I almost felt like I was ignoring it; I didn't stay away, but I didn't really visit more than usual, and when I did I just never mentioned it, never acknowledged it almost. It comes with this almost church-like feeling, where you think it will be terrible if you say the wrong thing, you feel like you could somehow make this dangerous thing worse if you act the wrong way. I still feel guilty about it.

It might be something similar with the people you know. They might be staying away from this feeling of dangerous-feeling awkwardness that seems to come with someone dying. I felt almost the way you describe when I separated from my partner. Even if people weren't blaming me, it seemed like they didn't want the atmosphere I brought with me (oddly, she was the exception). I started to think everyone had written me off. Leaving the house felt like going into this hard and cold place where people saw a gap in me and hated me for it, or wanted to shun me.

I can't imagine how much tougher it must be for you; but most people are basically good, only they can be weak and they can shy away from people they feel they might damage if they make the wrong step, without having any idea that this is what they're doing.

I don't know what you should do though. Don't give up on people.
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Old 12-04-10, 04:31 PM
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Re: death and depession

in this kind of situations people usually don't know how to react. they know there are no words that would make you feel better, so out of conservation instinct they tend to behave like nothing happened. hoping this way they won't trigger memories and cause more pain than there is already.

when you are grieving the lost of a loved one you don't realize that this is what they are doing, and tend to think they don't care and they just carry on with their lives. it's a wrong perception, or at least this was for me. i needed a couple of years to realize it, but when i did i felt bad for pushing away people that tried to help me, but they just had no clue what to do.

i find it hard to find appropriate words to write in regards to your loss...i know the pain is to deep and there are no words for it.
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Old 12-04-10, 08:27 PM
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Re: death and depession

Maddy, I lost my beloved husband three months ago today.

It often feels like you are trapped in a box. No one calls in, and you can hardly force yourself to call out. When you DO force yourself to reach out, you often find little or nothing there. People who tell you- "Anything you need, call me" are never available physically or emotionally. After awhile, retreat is the only sensible thing to do because you can't take the pain of having reached out to find... nothing.

Worse are the days when you discover that you aren't numb. Now EVERYTHING hurts. Numb was better- not more functional- but better.

You logically know that you aren't managing this any more. You are barely responsive to life around you. You can SEE that you need help, but the lessons already learned tell you that help is not coming.

You desperately need to find a grief counselor and quickly. You MUST do this. You need to work through all the anguish you are feeling in a functional way. This is not just a good idea, it is a requirement.

How do you get through it? Minute by minute.

You are in my prayers.

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-05-10, 10:10 AM
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Re: death and depession

I cannot imagine what you two are going through. My husband is my rock. But I can tell you that going to a university just adds more stress to it. In fact I think going back to school is a major change unless you were already enrolled. I would have taken a semester off.

From an outside perspective, people might want to keep themselves guarded against those in need. The "Need anything, call me" is a polite response. My brother's gf dumped him and I said that (and I meant it), and he called me all hours of the night yelling and screaming at me. He would call me when I was in class or with my boyfriend. He even wanted me to talk to her, which I was not about to get into. People are afraid of "that" response.

But to get to your question, when no one is there for you, you have to rely on yourself and only yourself. Keep yourself guarded until you are ready to open up. Taking a walk may help the transition between staying in and going out.
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Old 12-05-10, 12:37 PM
MaddyMay MaddyMay is offline
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Re: death and depession

thank you all for responding...it's hard for me to talk about anything these days due to what you all mentioned- people keeping away. as I wrote in the first post, I know deep down that is a normal response. It's hurts, but is not something I should take personally.

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, Tigger. I agree, to a point, that I should seek out a grief counselor as the counselor at uni hasn't done much for me. We gave it the good old college try though. *bit of a smile*
btw, you hit the nail on the head when you said how numb was better and
it's true I am now withdrawn even further than before. I am certainly
not participating in life. Afraid to leave house. Feel very transparent,
not myself, very very very fearful.

As hard as I've tried, what I needed to help myself feel better which is supposed to be support of family and friends, has been rather beyond my own
power. I tried. It didn't work. They retreat. I feel even worse. Very hard
to reach out again. But here I am, trying to get a bit of faith back.
It's a start.

slm845 - I really appreciate what you wrote about going back to uni.
I originally thought is would fulfill that hole in me, giving me self confidence,
self esteem that had diminished, as I've done well even though all semesters have been rocky
because of extremes in the relationship. I hoped to finally make the friendships
I had made so far, better now that I was "allowed" to have friends...now that
partner was gone. Yes, I know how sad/pathetic that sounds.

My main doctor says due to the nature of what happened within the
relationship it's not going to be easy for me to deal with many things.
He's made mention of PTSD and also the words 'complicated grief' are
used by therapist and doctor. I've read up on both. Time and talking/supportive environment, seem to be the main keys.
Time for me right now is like the enemy. Ya can't rush time.

Ok then - I have the knowledge, life experience, yes even some of
my faith is being restored by you posters (thank you so much) and I've dealt with loss
before. Yet never loved as I loved my partner. My ex, I was with for 15 years. While I loved ex, never could feel that intimacy. I did with my partner. I recognize and did before her death that it was not a healthy
relationship. There are no unrealistic "pink cloud" stuff going on with
my memories. I sometimes wish there were more though, and I really
\try to remember the good times as there were many many.

I have seen a shift in my grief where I'm accepting her death as
real and I seem calmer and a little more at peace. But that could be due
to my extreme hurt/disappointment over school/peers/lack of support and
certain events happening that have taken over the brain, so to speak...

I looked to see if there was a Grief Section on here but see none.
Maybe I should post in private forum?
See, there are certain things I deliberately leave out due to fear of
..../deep sigh.
I have a lot of fears, that's all.

Appreciate the responses because it does help to have others say
even what I know in my heart is true.

How I wish going back to school (yes, I was returning (non-traditional student)) had gone better. I usually believe so much in the
good of people that when they stepped back, and I couldn't reach out
in a more direct way, which may of been best in the end, that it's crushed
me.

My main goal in life at this point is to be able to finish uni via internet
and going to take the finals (2) at school outside the class environment.
I'll be on the phone with my doctor tomorrow. I didn't go to class this
past week. I'd reckon at this point, no, there is nothing that will
change my mind. The anxiety, tears, fears, panic is too intense to fight
any more. I've done it for months. I can't do it one more day.

am afraid to even look to see how much I've written.

So here I am - got some insight, some "yep, that's how it is", some comfort (thank you for the hugs (((((hugs back)))), validity of feelings which is
very important...

Now I'll see what more I can do to pick myself up. As yes it's true, in the end
I do only have myself to rely on.
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Old 12-05-10, 12:42 PM
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Re: death and depession

wow. that was long.

the tldr version: thank you, I'll see if finishing up semester without
being in classroom can work. If not, I don't believe I'd regret just
not finishing it up. I rarely regret my decisions.

Also, I would like to find a job as that is where I find my connections.
Crave steadiness. Normal. I don't remember having issues with fear
of leaving the house when I had a regular job. University seemed to
set that off. Then the death of partner made it harder. Then the lack
of support just exacerbated it.

My dear daughter hates my going to school too. I believe she just
wants mom to have a regular 9-5 thing too.

We ALL need steadiness, something to count on and schedules again.
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Old 12-05-10, 01:03 PM
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Re: death and depession

I have had to deal with close friends who lost loved ones too. Not just once, but several times. And I can tell you that no matter how hard you try its still so godawfully effing hard to do the right thing, to find the right words to say. It is excruciating to see someone you care deeply about suffering and going through all that and not being able to do anything real about it.
Its not malice that people can not give you what you need so badly. It is plain uncertainty, fear and weakness and maybe a sense of powerlessness. We are all only human and we all have our human limitations. And perhaps there is always a bit of self protection involved as well, I don't know. I wish it was different MaddyMay. I really do.
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Old 12-05-10, 01:25 PM
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Re: death and depession

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarek View Post
. We are all only human and we all have our human limitations. And perhaps there is always a bit of self protection involved as well, I don't know. I wish it was different MaddyMay. I really do.
Sarek, what you wrote touched me deeply.
See, that is what I needed to remember when I did my first post.

I've also been there - desperately wanting to help a grieving friend,
but not being able to do anything more than offer a listening ear and
my time and heart.
My one surviving relative is sometimes concerned that this is taking too
long, yet on the other hand she tries to be the support network and
it's awfully hard on her. Thus, I then clam up and try not to say too
much.

It's pretty obvious while my mind knows these things, my follow through
isn't working. Am not sure if this is helped along because of my ADD or
is normal.... it's been 7 months since my partners death.
I was participating in life up till about maybe 3 weeks ago and then I
could really notice it going south. Self care? Nope. Leaving house?
Absolutely not. Very.Bad.Thoughts. Nightmares, anxiety, and ultimately,
an absolute hitting a brick wall on leaving the house.

And sadly, if a friend were to call me and want to get together, I'd
now have to say no. My health in general is poor from literally staying in
one room of the house (bedroom) for 98% of the time.

There's a lot of value in hearing what you've said Sarek and the other posters.

So I say to myself "would it be similar experience to go to a support
group?" Could I leave the house to do it?
Is that the kind of support that will be the most beneficial? Hell, I've
tried every other method and one on one with a therapist hasn't worked.

Hmmm, something is going to change and rapidly in the next week.
Either I will fail this last semester and move on to getting a job,
or I will wind up in a mental institution and that can't happen.
I have too much to lose in regards to my daughter if I utterly fall apart.
Yet am wore out from my own self, other barriers, disappointments, fears,
past issues that are somewhat still in my face due to me avoiding life.
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Old 12-06-10, 01:34 PM
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Re: death and depession

I'm in a rush this morning but wanted to get this out there...

I can PM you some links to online grief forums. I registered with one but I am not ready to use it yet. Other people reflecting their grief is oddly helpful but you need to be in a place where you can FIND it helpful.

You are talking about someone you describe as the love of your life. You will grieve for MUCH longer than seven months. I have read about complicated grief and you may be experiencing that. Or it may just be too soon.

In the first weeks after my husband died, I looked a whole lot more functional than I do now. Why? Because I just refused to feel anything. Even now, I clutter my days with activity because it keeps things away, keeps them from tapping the well of sorrow that has taken up permanent residence in me. Not necessarily healthy but that is all I can do for RIGHT NOW.

The holidays are just making it all harder. Everyone is bright and bubbly with Christmas Spirit and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I hate to sound like a Scrooge because it isn't really my nature, but I feel neither merry nor bright and left to my own devices, I would simply not bother with the d*mn holidays at all.

Any of this sounding familiar?

You're reaching out to people who not only understand you but completely understand where you are.

Please feel free to PM if you would like to share privately. You need to hear that you are not alone, not nuts, not falling apart, not being ridiculous, not ABNORMAL. You are going through the h*ll that comes with losing a critical part of your life.

(((hugs)))
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If it were your real life, you would have gotten better instructions.


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Do you really want to be a setting on the washing machine?
If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
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