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Old 01-18-11, 10:38 PM
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ADD has completely ruined my life

Hi, my name is Mark. I live on an island called Newfoundland, the most eastern point of Canada.

It's hard to begin because every time I type something I feel as though I'm not getting out what I really want to say, but here goes.

I'm 21 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and the Doctor told my Mother that I was going to most likely have a difficult life as an adult. Recently I was diagnosed with adult ADD, a 'severe' case, and I'm awaiting another appointment before I can get medication, which I'm unsure that I even want.

I think of thousands of things a day. I've always been analytical to the point where I thought it had to be unhealthy, as I was questioning death and reincarnation, and other existiential topics as a child. I remember I would close my eyes and think long and hard about what death was and why I was afraid of it. I lived thinking 'existientially', for so long now.

I was an anxious person in school. Girls were one thing I avoided. I ended up graduating, dating and finding a job. Anxiety has pushed me from a few jobs now, but I have, despite the difficulty, spent since 2007 working with two (the other two that I had didn't last due to anxiety). The two relationships that I had were long term; the first 3 years, second and current almost two years, and it's going the same way that the first went. I stress out my partner, I always change my mind, and apparently I lack motivation and will power, which is beyond my control, as I see it.

I wake up every day sick with anxiety. I smoke marijuana daily in order to have control over my attention, or else I can't get one thing done, or things just seem plain boring. I've been this way my entire life.

I wish I could stress how much my cognitive abilities are shot. I haven't felt truly, jump out of bed or anticipate a day-excited in more than a year, maybe even longer than that. I just feel content. I moved out on my own last year, during that time I tried LSD and MDMA. MDMA made me entirely happy but after doing it 4 times I felt exhausted and I felt more unhappy than ever, so since then I have stayed clear away from it. LSD took the filters off my mind, I guess, and since then I haven't been able to look at life the same.

I feel as though things are so simple but no one sees them, and the things that I have spoken of or thought of have been brought up in conversation that I've witnessed from afar, on the internet or in person, or with my friends. I don't feel like I can tell the future, nor do I feel like I'm right. I just feel like people are too blinded by culture and the way the world is now. I was raised not as my own person, but as a person listened to two older people who obviously never had their thoughts together. I was lied to about Santa Claus, I was brought to church against my will, and I was pumped full of ideas, like, every drug is bad and not following a set life, school - work - family, would lead me down an unhappy path.

Though now I realize the world is blind for the most part. Not many acknowledge the fact that we're just on a blue pearl of nourishing life and that we live in this space we call reality. Not many bother to question anything anymore. Not many realize that we're going to become overpopulate and resources will dwindle. No one realizes that we're moving so fast and that we're taking for granted every thing that we have. We used to be a race that harvested the sun and lived without univeral stereotypes, chemical injected fast food and culture that stares at us in every direction. We've lost touch who we are, and I'm sure if I saw someone like myself saying this **** years ago that I wouldn't have bought into it or truly understood to the point where I felt chills.

How aren't we off exploring planets yet? How are we in this century, day and age still waging war with our own race.

I read somewhere recently that with the advancement of technology and the increase in people, that we're losing the ability to be sympathetic and interested. Most people move in a routine that brings them back to the same thing they were doing the day before. Money has become love, life, virtue and conquest. Money is everything.

I believe in so much, from human instinct, from to just reading. I don't know, but I know that most would think some of it is crazy. Are you someone that believes wholeheartedly in the bible and falls asleep every night with a positive curse on your mind and those around you? People do not open their eyes. 'People' cannot speak emphatically anymore, only the ones in power, of course, the ones with the green dollar. We are ticks aside them.

How many people believe the ancient Egyptian's really built the pyramids? If you've ever been to Cairo and seen the pyramids in the background, massive and so unlike anything else on Earth, you'd know and feel deep inside, that it was something else. We don't really know how old the planet is or how far human history traces back to. We make up most of the stories, but you'd have to to cater to those with answers, and we all have incredible answers. Coincidentally, most are answered with ease, but it's not that easy.

What brought our race from the level of consciousness we had before to where we are now. We've fallen and no one really realizes or bothers to care about how the world is today. I can't walk down a road without feeling this way or seeing these things, and thought I don't have the facts on everything, or know everything, I know I don't. I know that the way we live now is not how we were supposed to live.

In the past two years there have been an incredible amount of UFOs spotted all over the world. I believe they've been here for years, but if they have the consciousness we lack, they must know that we'd wage war on them if they did show themselves. The appearances are discreet, quick, just to signal our awareness. The world is becoming more aware, and I see it every day. I know this because the things I talk about, and ramble on about in my own mind are being brought to me by others or witnessed by myself.

That's just a look into how I think.

I wish I could fix myself, but I feel hopeless, damned almost.

I feel cold with mood swings constantly. I try to turn my mind off from all of that existiential and strange thinking. I've gotten into a routine where I'm always shaking my leg, waiting for something bad almost.

Some days my stomach, the lower abdomen feels like it's attached to a moving vehicle.

I'm tired of watching everyone in my life accomplish something while I can't move from the one spot. I've tried, I've dealt with the anxiety and have thrown my guts up on numerous occasions. There has even been times where I've had no anxiety for months. I just know that I've never felt this low, quite this way. The past year was the worst of my entire life and I swear I thought more in this one past year than a human would in 5.

I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. I have a problem typing or doing anything for more than a few minutes of course so I usually end up rambling.

I just know that I'm unhappy and that this ADD is getting worse every day. Maybe psychologically I'm doing this to myself, but I have no idea how to stop. I feel like feeling any other way is lying to myself and I sort of look down on myself with self pity which leads me to feeling terrible all of the time.

I want to feel happy. I'm so tired of feeling bored. I'm tired of taking things for granted, and I'm so tired of living in a world that I know is so fake and drawn out from what it's supposed to be.

I wish I could help myself, but I can't. It's getting to the point where my girlfriend won't even listen anymore, but I'm also extremely surprised she hasn't just left me yet.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:12 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

First off, welcome to the forums. It's good you've taken the first step toward associating with people who are going through, or have gone through, a lot of the same things you're currently going through. We all know all too well just what kind of havoc a seemingly innocuous disorder like ADHD can wreak on our lives and on those we love. The first step in understanding this and seeking to correct it is awareness and mindfulness.

Your existentialism is probably not helping you. All the questions you have, while certainly legitimate (and I've thought about many of them to no end), are inherently unanswerable, and they clearly serve mainly to depress you. That's not healthy. If there is any one inherently valuable thing in life, it's happiness.

It almost sounds as if your thinking verges on the obsessing. Perhaps you have a variant of OCD called pure-O, which is essentially intrusive thoughts (obsessions) for which no ritualizing behavior exists. In truth, the ritualizing behavior/compulsion is ruminating, but I digress. These intrusive thoughts usually manifest as aggressive, sexual, or existential/bizarre/philosophical ones, similar to the ones you convey. OCD, particularly this kind, can also cause mood swings because of the intensity of the obsessing and ruminating and the mood oscillations that can result from possible conclusions or anxiety.

Alternatively, the mood swings could be something else. It could very well be you have major depression, which is common in ADHDers (although this tends to be a fairly steady state of depression, rather than "mood swings"), or bipolar disorder, which can also exist with ADHD. Anxiety, often crippling, is common in both ADHD and bipolar. It sounds like your depression is more psychological and thus probably not bipolar, but OCD also occurs with bipolar, particularly the pure-O kind, so it's hard to say.

I think what you really need to do is take a step back and look at your situation. Realistically, are you going to be able to fix this yourself, or do you think the help of a professional might benefit? That's a rhetorical question, in my mind, but you may feel differently. I think seeing a psychiatrist/other professional and getting firm diagnoses is the first step. Then comes treatment, whatever that may be. The way you're currently living is, by your own admission, not working for you, and inertia is a deceptively strong force. You need someone, and something, else to help change your direction--and change your cognition.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:12 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

I think it is your girlfriend who has the problem. I think that your desires to think in terms of existential topics is awesome! There is nothing wrong with this.

Have you sought the help of a counselor. There are some tricks that help with the management with ADD. You can accomplish things.

Keep on writing on this forum, and I believe it will benefit you greatly.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:22 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

I have to tell you that your post really struck me. When I was your age, I was in a very similar headspace. I can't diagnose you, nor can alleviate your anguish, but I can give you a few pointers that I wish someone (not my parents or friends or even counsellors, but someone who suffered from the same ailments as me, who'd been through it all, as it were) would've given me when I was 21:

1. The gloom can lift. I recommend seeing a therapist. If you're like me, you're wary - I had a habit of manipulating therapists into echoing what I wanted them to say. But give it another shot. Once you find a therapist who's intelligent and streetwise, it can make a world of difference. Just don't give up - keep looking for help, because you know you need it.

2. Unfortunately, the world won't change. It is fake. It's not an ideal space. It just is what it is. You can't change the world, but you can change YOU. I know that sounds corny, but it took nearly 3 decades for that to truly hit home with me.

3. TAKE THE MEDICATION!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO IT!!!

If you read nothing else I've written, PLEASE read that and take it to heart! I stubbornly refused for 26 years. In the end, it cost me a potential career and the most wonderful relationship I could ever have hoped for, and left me suicidal and ridden with anxiety. All that because I was too stubborn to take a little pill.

Drugs aren't always the answer, but in this case, it changed my life overnight. It was like a light bulb suddenly went on. No, it doesn't take away your problems, and yes, you can still be depressed while taking meds for AD/HD, but you'll finally be able to sit down and do things. You'll be able to get from point A to point B without getting derailed. You'll be able to shut down the noise in your head, the careening arbitrary thought patterns that seem to flash by at the speed of light and never want to stop.

Don't be me. Don't get to this point. You seem like a smart guy. Don't waste your intelligence. Try the medication. And stick around these forums - having people around who understand and can offer advice is a huge boost.

Good luck!
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Old 01-18-11, 11:24 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

Sometimes it is good be be thinking differently.
As for exploring other planets man we are trying to. Our technology isn't good enough. The closest star would take several lifetimes to reach. I like future physics and reading about all the theories that may one day work toward getting astronauts to Mars or even other worlds past that. And the Pyramids were made for Egyptian Pharaohs by their workers (read: slave). Denying that is denying the genius of man. You should see all the ideas Leonardo Da Vinci came up with. He is no alien.
I am interested in UFO theories but I don't believe them, unless I apply it to my own sci-fi worlds.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:28 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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Sometimes it is good be be thinking differently.
As for exploring other planets man we are trying to. Our technology isn't good enough. The closest star would take several lifetimes to reach. I like future physics and reading about all the theories that may one day work toward getting astronauts to Mars or even other worlds past that. And the Pyramids were made for Egyptian Pharaohs by their workers (read: slave). Denying that is denying the genius of man. You should see all the ideas Leonardo Da Vinci came up with. He is no alien.
I am interested in UFO theories but I don't believe them, unless I apply it to my own sci-fi worlds.
This is a digression, but I have to tell you that you entertain me.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:31 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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This is a digression, but I have to tell you that you entertain me.
I think Fractured found a way to relate her own personal experiences to dark blue sky. It's very apparent that dark, is a little uncomfortable with his/her own style of thoughts and interests. I think Fractured may have made dark not feel alone.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:32 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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I think Fractured found a way to relate her own personal experiences to dark blue sky. It's very apparent that dark, is a little uncomfortable with his/her own style of thoughts and interests. I think Fractured may have made dark not feel alone.
Oh yeah, definitely. I didn't mean SHE was digressing. I meant I was digressing.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:37 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

Really I am? Really I did? I just can't control my fingers.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:41 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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Really I am? Really I did? I just can't control my fingers.
LOL! No, not you! I digressed! Me! I digressed to tell you that you entertain me.

I don't want to hijack this thread. Let's get back to the OP.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:46 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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LOL! No, not you! I digressed! Me! I digressed to tell you that you entertain me.

I don't want to hijack this thread. Let's get back to the OP.
LOL. Silly me. OP........
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Old 01-18-11, 11:50 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

The genius of man is partially forged, I've read lots into that primarily Giza was volunteery and that there was possibly little to no slaves. The stories of pulley systems and all of that man power seems to be false more than it does not. There was more to it, I believe, but of course it's just a feeling more than fact.

Bezu, thanks for the reply. I know that I'm doing this to myself, but in ways I feel like I can not. I've been stubborn and I've avoided Doctors for the most part and talking to specialists. I prolong it and it gets worse, I enter a bubble almost where I have to stick to my primary hobbies because of some faint fear of obviously seeing these people, I'm surprised I can consciously admit that, but I go and focus on other worries and thoughts.

I feel like it has taken a lot away from me. I've thought of that light being flickered on, I'm almost waiting for it to happen but it won't seem to. I need to change my life, I just got an interview to a job that can provide me with more hours, close by, knocking out two bad things, the first was walking a huge distance to my old job, 50 minutes there then again back, I disliked this, I would walk home most of the time but both ways sucked. The other, just making a lot more than I did there. I was only given three 5 hour shifts for a few months, having saved money before which diminished quickly, it really put me into a crappy lifestyle for a while but it was like I didn't care. I had to move from my apartment (my first time moving out) and come back home and since then everything has been a lot more difficult mentally. But when I start this job, and hopefully get on meds, I really hope it gets easier.

anonymously, My girlfriend and me are alike, both anxious people with nerve wrecking childhoods in school and what not. The similarities sort of clash at times, but wholeheartedly I feel like I've been selfish and in my own world most of the time with my thoughts and routines. I feel like I've done the most damage because even in times now after I've put her through my ADD for a year and a half, we still get along and have fun more than we don't. I just know she can't take it anymore.

Nova, thanks for the response too, it really got me thinking, the pure-o sounds about right. They definitely intrude and even feel controlling at times. I find that hard to admit almost like I only understand it at times. I know that especially with existientalism, the questions are unanswered, all of the big ones really but my mind reaches for them too much. I have a real love for nature and astronomy, but lately I've been seeing through those things and looking for negative aspects, and the easiest is seeing what humanity is. It just bothers me.

I feel half insane at times. I tell myself this, but I know that my thoughts aren't in order and that I have to change my life some how to find that proper cognition.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:51 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

Dark, Bez is right, take the medication. It is for your best interests and will help you in many ways. For me, it helps me focus and calm down (amphetamine salts and xanax). My preference is exercise and meditation, but sometimes the meds can make so much of a difference in your life. It doesn't have to be FOREVER, people go off and on meds as needed like when they take anti-depressants for SAD.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:57 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

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Dark, Bez is right, take the medication. It is for your best interests and will help you in many ways. For me, it helps me focus and calm down (amphetamine salts and xanax). My preference is exercise and meditation, but sometimes the meds can make so much of a difference in your life. It doesn't have to be FOREVER, people go off and on meds as needed like when they take anti-depressants for SAD.
I'll cosign this.

I take Ritalin (fairly low dose), exercise regularly, and now (finally, my mom would say) regularly see a therapist. And, of course, I write. Just these four simple steps have helped me more than I can say.

dark, if I can recommend one more thing, it's that you go to university when you have a chance. Follow your interests. If it's possible, turn it into a career. Those thought patterns that haunt you are a gift - a blessing, not a curse. Put them to use.
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Old 01-18-11, 11:58 PM
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Re: ADD has completely ruined my life

dark, you are on a decent track to get better and improve your life. You have made an appointment for meds. You have a job interview. You are taking control and that is one of the best things that you can do.

I wrote about your girlfriend, because I know the difficulty in finding a someone whom you can be "safe" with in a relationship. When I was getting divorced, I was convinced that it was all me. It was all my fault. I certainly played a part, but I wasn't the worst husband in the world. This seems to be an ADD thing (tendency to blame ourselves), but with counseling, I realized that it wasn't ALL my fault. Humorously, my ex was married and divorced again about a year after our relationship ended.
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Long-term, we must begin to build our internal strengths. It isn't just skills like computer technology. It's the old-fashioned basics of self-reliance, self-motivation, self-reinforcement, self-discipline, self-command.

~Steven Pressfield
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