Absolute exhaution making me feel my numbers up

[Fortune]

Originally Posted by tudorose

Thanks. I think I will. I hadn't thought of it before as I didn't think that counsellors could help with grief. I though it was something you were just supposed to work through by yourself.

You can completely get counseling for grief.

[ginniebean]

Tudor,

I'm so sorry you're going thru this, it sounds like you've ran straight into burnout. I hope you can find some way to get some stress leave.

[Rebelyell]

Yeah thats when it hits you hard like a year later and on holidays special events etc.Last weekend my mom was gone 10 years and I was still teary and weepy eyed at times.THats why I try to be pleasant to people and try to listen to them and show compassion.Because 1 minute your here and the next minute some 1 could be gone,there numbers up.

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by Rebelyell

Yeah thats when it hits you hard like a year later and on holidays special events etc.Last weekend my mom was gone 10 years and I was still teary and weepy eyed at times.THats why I try to be pleasant to people and try to listen to them and show compassion.Because 1 minute your here and the next minute some 1 could be gone,there numbers up.

I am sorry to hear about your Mum. The 10 year anniversary must have been hard. Does it ever get any easier?

[Fortune]

I am sorry I forgot - sympathies, tudorose. Grief is not easy. I'm still not sure I resolved mine over my grandmother's death three years ago.

[buddy]

I am so very sorry that you lost your dad.9 months, the grief is still very fresh.I lost my mother 2yrs. ago in Feb.,& I can tell you that I still miss her every day.She passed away in her sleep, & I was with her at the time.I still carry guilt that I could have done something for her, but she died of colon cancer & I have to remind myself that there was nothing I could have done for her, to keep her alive as much as I want her to be with me.'

Please go & see your doctor & seek counseling.I don't think we get over the grief,I think it's something we have to learn to deal with.Best wishes to you.

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by buddy

Please go & see your doctor & seek counseling.I don't think we get over the grief,I think it's something we have to learn to deal with.Best wishes to you.

Thankyou. Buddy I am sorry about your Mum, and your Grandmother Fortune.

I never realised that grief took such a physical toll. I can't get away with my usual bury the emotions thing anymore. I do need to learn to deal with it. Whilst I can make sense of his passing in my head and I realise it was the best thing for him, something inside me feels like it's crying all the time. I don't think I've ever been this emotional about anything in my whole life.

I was thinking about taking this week off to sort myself out but I just got a call to say I have a job interview (for a better job) on Thursday. I'm hoping I can pull it together before then. Think I might get the phone number for the work counselling service when I go in tomorrow too.

[insight needed]

Yes, yes, yes counseling can help with grief (and PTSD). There are even counselors and counseling centers that specifically do "bereavement counseling". In your case, it may be better to work with a psychologist who can help you deal with both the PTSD and grief. Try to summon up the energy to find out what resources are in your area. Good luck.

[ADHDTigger]

Tudorose, welcome to grief 101.

My husband died in September. It has been nearly six months. I have spent the greater portion of the last six months either being hyper productive or totally mush. It's grief.

I went to a seminar on surviving grief through the holidays. One of the things they gave us was a handout on the symptoms of grief. I looked at the list and pointed out to my mother in law that the list is nearly identical to the list of symptoms of ADHD. Grief is an executive function dysfunction.

At one point, I asked my doc to increase my Ritalin because "it wasn't working any more". He told me to try a day or two without it. Holy moley! Ritalin was doing as much as it ever was, it just wasn't fixing the grief.

There are days that I can get up and function just fine. There are days when I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. There are days when I can't stop crying. There are days when I feel like a hollow shell- an emptiness so profound that I wonder why I am not flat. It's grief.

I've been working with a grief counselor and that helps. One of the things that she said from the very beginning was that you work through grief by talking about it. "Telling your story"- the story of your relationship with the person you have lost. Telling that story over and over again. Seems like such a small thing, but it helps.

Another thing that helps is to actively build an on-going relationship with the person you've lost. Seems like an odd thing- they've passed on, how can you build an on-going relationship? By finding new and comfortable ways to incorporate them into your life. For me, that is in pictures, in writing, even in talking to him. Just because he isn't physically here any more doesn't mean that I can't talk to him.

Look in your area for grief groups. Many churches have them, many hospitals do. Many hospitals have a hospice outreach, start there. Some have bereavement counselors.

Denying or ignoring grief doesn't make it go away. Believe me, I know this from experience. I lost my mother, my aunt, and two close friends in the year before my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I lost him thirteen months later. I never got an opportunity to finish grieving before I had more to grieve. I'm dealing with that now.

Keep reaching out. Talk about how you are feeling and what you are going through. Don't let anyone tell you that you *should* be over it. My mom died two years ago. I'm not over it. There is no time limit to manage to with grief.

Something that someone told me when I first lost my husband made and makes sense- "you do his memory well to grieve so deeply". The funeral director told me that I honor my husband by grieving. I think that this is true.

Hang in there, honey. Grieving is tough work.

[tudorose]

Thankyou Tigger. The thankyou button only lets you put one thankyou - that just doesn't seem like enough in this case. Thanks for taking the time to write to me.

You have some good advice and I really appreciate it. I have organised some grief counselling. I can get 6 sessions paid for through work and I can get time off for that covered too. One of the other bosses helped me to organise it.

Shame about my own boss though. I got pulled into a meeting room today where he said there were some opportunities coming up but that given my 'mental state' he didn't know if he should put my name up for them. To cut a long story short he then said that grief counselling would not affect my job prospects but then he also said that he may need to send me for an assessment to determine my suitability?!?!?!?

He seems to think that there will be reliability issues (I've had one sick day this year in spite of trying to deal with this). I'm trying to make sure I don't let this get to me and try and rev myself up to do well in this interview on Thursday. If I can get myself up and pull it off I won't need to worry about dealing with this d/head anymore.

To me it does seem really unfair though- perhaps even discrimination? I mean this is something that most people have been through - except him. I would have thought there should be a little more understanding and acceptance when dealing with a grieving employee.

[glosolli]

Originally Posted by tudorose

Thankyou for this. He passed 9 months ago but I feel like I've just been holding it all in for all this time and trying to get on with life and now it's starting to bite me in the @ss.

I just keep thinking about how before he passed he asked if he could come over but I had to say no because we had something else on. I wish I could turn back time and cancel what I had planned and just say yes.

I just want to talk to him but I can't anymore.

Big hugs.

It sounds like you're in a state of burnout, I'm in one too. Being pounded with emotions and difficulty, on top of the ADD/ADHD. My life has grown dark and when it feels bad, it always gets to a point of feeling worse and I feel more and more lifeless. I guess it would be okay to say that you become scarred with grief or a sadness. I've tried to ignore or hide certain things or facts before, but in the end you realize the things you've ignored.

That doesn't mean it needs to completely consume us though. I hope for a lighter life, one that is bright and full of ease like before. I think seeing someone or getting councelling has to be done for you to feel better.

I really hope it gets better for you.

[ADHDTigger]

Originally Posted by Tudorose

Shame about my own boss though. I got pulled into a meeting room today where he said there were some opportunities coming up but that given my 'mental state' he didn't know if he should put my name up for them. To cut a long story short he then said that grief counselling would not affect my job prospects but then he also said that he may need to send me for an assessment to determine my suitability?!?!?!?

He seems to think that there will be reliability issues (I've had one sick day this year in spite of trying to deal with this). I'm trying to make sure I don't let this get to me and try and rev myself up to do well in this interview on Thursday. If I can get myself up and pull it off I won't need to worry about dealing with this d/head anymore.

That sounds reportable to me, but I know that employment is different in the US than Australia.

Something that stands out to me is his fear that you will be unreliable. I think that he is reflecting some personal issues he has around seeing people grieve. I would guess that in his life, someone became unreliable as a result of grieving.

I can tell you from personal experience that there are as many stupid ways to respond to grief as there are stupid people. If I had a penny for every stupid thing that has been said to me since my husband died, I would be a rich woman now. The smartest thing I've heard? A woman on the board said, "I don't know what to say". Easily the best response I have gotten.

There is a dichotomy at work here that you may find driving you bats. People will tell you, "Take the time you need." In the next breath they will tell you, "But meet my needs right now." What I will tell you is that you need to do what you can, put off what you need to, and get back to functioning, above all things. Grief is hard work and you need to direct your energies in ways that are sensible for you.

Be kind to yourself. Grief is not incidental. Give it the respect it deserves by giving yourself the time, energy, and respect YOU deserve.

You can reach out to me any time you like.

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

People will tell you, "Take the time you need." In the next breath they will tell you, "But meet my needs right now." What I will tell you is that you need to do what you can, put off what you need to, and get back to functioning, above all things. Grief is hard work and you need to direct your energies in ways that are sensible for you.

Be kind to yourself. Grief is not incidental. Give it the respect it deserves by giving yourself the time, energy, and respect YOU deserve.

You can reach out to me any time you like.

Thankyou Tigger. I think I have been pushing myself too hard.

You are right. This is hard work.

[ADHDTigger]

(((hugs))) hon. Grief is massively hard work.

I am working with a young man currently whose father died seven years ago and he is just beginning to grieve. My step-son only can say that losing his father has completely devastated him.

We who grieve deserve respect that we are not likely to be given. I despise this. Grieving the loss of someone you love is painful, even debilitating. It is also the bravest thing that you can do.

(((hugs)))

[tudorose]

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

(((hugs))) hon. Grief is massively hard work.

I am working with a young man currently whose father died seven years ago and he is just beginning to grieve. My step-son only can say that losing his father has completely devastated him.

We who grieve deserve respect that we are not likely to be given. I despise this. Grieving the loss of someone you love is painful, even debilitating. It is also the bravest thing that you can do.

(((hugs)))

Thankyou Tigger

The counseller said today that my Dad sounded like a wonderful man and that I was very lucky to have him. I was glad to hear that because he always thought he was never worthy of anything.

She also said to make time to grieve - like an appointment so that it doesn't consume me or interfere with my ability to work. Kind of makes sense. I haven't spoken to anyone who has gotton over their grief even if it was 20 years ago. I guess this will be a long long process. I feel thankful that there was a relationship to grieve.