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  #16  
Old 04-09-11, 01:36 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

*nods*

You can only change yourself, not others.

*

If you are in an abusive situation, GET OUT. If you would consider this relationship to be abusive if he/she did not have ADHD then it is still abusive. Once you are safe and have some perspective, then you can consider whether it's worth trying to work things out or not
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  #17  
Old 04-24-11, 07:50 PM
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Cool Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

what a lot of eye opening information. I had no clue. I have gained so much useful information and insight from these posts. It clicked with what I have read and watched about ADHD. It also helped me understand why my ADHDer partner has told me (ashamed to say, over and over again) that she didn't have anymore to give to a situation. That she just didn't have the mental energy to handle whatever it was she couldn't handle - even if it seemed simple to me. Many times, I didn't back off. During the years we've been together, neither one of realized how important it was to be aware and find tools and help for her ADHD. We NEVER talked about her ADHD and she rolled through life as if it didn't exist and suffered the consequences. She recently revisited understanding her own ADHD and I am along for the ride and in it for the long haul . . . .or the lifetime hall. Now, all I want to do is be there for her and become more understanding about what my partner is going through with her ADHD. I look forward to continuing to gain understanding.
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  #18  
Old 04-24-11, 07:56 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by underpressure View Post
what a lot of eye opening information. I had no clue. I have gained so much useful information and insight from these posts. It clicked with what I have read and watched about ADHD. It also helped me understand why my ADHDer partner has told me (ashamed to say, over and over again) that she didn't have anymore to give to a situation. That she just didn't have the mental energy to handle whatever it was she couldn't handle - even if it seemed simple to me. Many times, I didn't back off. During the years we've been together, neither one of realized how important it was to be aware and find tools and help for her ADHD. We NEVER talked about her ADHD and she rolled through life as if it didn't exist and suffered the consequences. She recently revisited understanding her own ADHD and I am along for the ride and in it for the long haul . . . .or the lifetime hall. Now, all I want to do is be there for her and become more understanding about what my partner is going through with her ADHD. I look forward to continuing to gain understanding.
You're so sweet and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
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Old 04-24-11, 08:01 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I'm lucky to have you in my life, too. Through everything you have been through, you've been so good to me and good for me. I will always be here for you.
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Old 04-26-11, 09:01 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Thank you so much for this. I am a non-ADHDer in a household with a step-daughter who is for sure ADHD and Bi-Polar and I think it is possible my spouse may be now too. She is seeking help and took the testing last Friday. We are awaiting the next Dr. visit (this Thursday) to hear the results. I have not been with her just yet as this is her wishes for now. We have been battling this for 9 going on 10 years now with the daughter and I (yes, it is ALL my fault) have neglected to educate myself on this condition. My wife's condition has just became prevalent over the last few years and has put an incredible strain on our relationship. Over the course of the past month I have decided to become more knowledgeable about this condition to keep our marriage intact and my sanity as well. I have just joined this forum and this post is the first one I have read. It describes my situation to a tee. I have been so wrong in my thinking because I am the one who says "just cut the grass already".

I am now realizing I need just as much help as they do. They will need the support as well as the coping mechanisms and I will have to learn these tools. Thank you for whomever put this forum together. If there is any resources in the Daytona Beach, FL area, please feel free to let me know.

Thanks,
Troy

Last edited by Lady Lark; 04-26-11 at 11:03 AM.. Reason: removed last name from post
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  #21  
Old 04-26-11, 11:48 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

*smiles*

I hope some more non-ADHD partners might post things that help them.

What is it like to have ADHD??


1) One of the top researchers (I think it was either Barkley or Jain) once said that the closest to an ADHD brain a “normal” person can come to is being very, very sleep deprived and very stressed out. Dealing with many demands and possibly also full of caffeine and sugar.
So imagine when you were a college student struggling to work and study and getting no sleep, exhausted and stressed out.
Or imagine when you were a new parent with an infant, tired, worn out, stressed, anxious and struggling.
This is what every day of my life is like.


2) This one below was stolen from a former friend of mine:
ADHD is like sitting down to play a game, but not knowing exactly which game. You have never seen this game before and you only have a rough idea of what this game entails.
The game has many pieces and a complicated board.
You are handed a set of rules that is very long and written in a language you understand but are not fluent in. Also you can only remember about 3/4 of the rules at any given time.
You are given just long enough to read the rules once before the game begins and then the rules are taken away from you.
Then the other players begin to play … with great skill.
You watch the other players to try to understand better how the game is played, however they are speaking a language you understand but are not fluent in, and they are both speaking and playing very quickly. Turns go by so fast you miss some moves as they happen.
Along with all this, there is a party in the room above you, distracting you with loud noises; thumps on the ceiling and so forth.
As you struggle to play the game the other players insult and berate you for your poor playing skills. Telling you that if only you tried harder, then you would be a better player.
3) Having ADHD is like having “one of those days”.
You know, you wake up feeling like you’re not really awake, your head is full of cotton fluff. You stumble through the day making stupid mistakes like putting the cereal box in the fridge. You are forgetful, maybe locking yourself out of house or forgetting to buy something on the way home. You can’t think on your feet very well so you put your foot in your mouth, saying something embarrassing or inappropriate. You’re tired and stress out and full of nervous energy. You embarrass yourself and feel confused and clumsy.
For you, when you have a bad day, one of those days, you can go to bed knowing that tomorrow will probably be better. That these days only happen once in a while. BUT … This is what everyday is like for someone with ADHD.
There is no going to bed knowing it will be better tomorrow. We go to bed each day knowing the next will be another one of those days. There is no escape. Everyday is one of those days from the day we are born until the day we die. Your tenth birthday, your sweet sixteen, the day of your first date, your prom, your wedding day … every day.
All the medication and therapy in the world doesn’t make it better or make it go away, all they do is help you cope. A crutch to help your struggle through each day.
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  #22  
Old 04-27-11, 12:27 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
I hope some more non-ADHD partners might post things that help them.
I accept your challenge.


What helps is to realize that I'm no more a mind reader then you are. I don't know when you actually remember, or when you've been distracted and forgotten. So when I remind you, it's not because I'm nagging, and it's not because I'm upset, it's simply me trying to help you.

Along the same lines, when I've gotten sick of waiting for you to do something, and I go ahead and do it, it's not a silent comment on how worthless, forgetful, etc you are. I just want it done.

Just because I can actually remember all the other times you were wrong, forgetful, late, etc doesn't mean I'm holding them over you, or I'm resentful. I just have a better memory.

If you are actually going to do what I asked, but later, tell me that. When you don't it makes me think you don't care that I'd like this done, or that you've forgotten it again.

Tell me how much help you want so I know. And when you swear up, down, and sideways that you WILL do something, don't be surprised if I am upset if you don't. You would be two if the situation was reversed.
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  #23  
Old 04-27-11, 12:30 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

And I think everyone needs to know this one.

My way isn't right, your way isn't wrong. they are just different. As long as the end result is the same, does it really matter how we get there?
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  #24  
Old 04-27-11, 04:53 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

From my non ADHD husband...

"As I have learned to understand ADHD from you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. That said, you underestimate all of the wonderful things that you bring to the table. Some of them are probably influenced by your ADHD- your incredible passion, for instance- and some are probably just reflective of who you are- someone who seeks to bond with the world."

"I wouldn't *want* you to have ADHD. I know how you see it limiting you. But I also know that you wouldn't be the person you are without it."

"I don't just love your red hair or your smile or your intellect. I love YOU. I love ALL of you. I always will."

"Life is full of curve balls. ADHD is one of them."
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  #25  
Old 04-30-11, 04:13 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Denial is when you know damned well that something is wrong and refuse to see it or acknowledge it ... for good.

Denial is not finding out that you have ADHD and 3 weeks/months later you're on meds but not going to see a therapist. Or you're seeing a counsellor but not on meds.

There's a very good chance that your ADHDer is not in denial. It takes a while (a long while) to come to terms with having a neurological condition. Folks on the outside looking in often wonder why we are not just leaping head first into medication, therapy and everything. But man, if you found out your brain works wrong, it would take you a while to come to grips with it.

That's not denial, that's dealing with a mind blowing and life changing revelation in the appropriate baby steps.

It's natural to want things fixed NOW or next month.

But it can take a year to find the right medication plan, many doctors suggest that you wait until you got the right med mix before you start therapy or make major life changes. It can take a year to find a good therapist. These things just don't happen overnight.

Managing ADHD is a life-long battle, don't be surprised if it takes us a while to wade fully into the fight. Its a pretty damned scary battlefield.
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  #26  
Old 06-04-11, 11:49 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Ohmigosh I wish I had this when I met my other half...
"* If you have met one ADHDer, you have not met us all. We are still individuals. We still will have different personality traits. Upbringing and such has a lot to do with it. Just because your ADHDer does something, does not mean another will."
When I first met my feller (who I love love love to bits), he thought that because I wasn't like his best friend who also has ADHD that I wasn't ADHD as well. I'm gonna show him this
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  #27  
Old 08-25-11, 06:00 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

a short and sweet one for all the non adhd partners out there.
ive got a magnetic white board on our fridge at home,along with a magic marker.if there's chores and reminders for the morning it all gets written on the board,otherwise i will forget about it overnight.
calendars help too.memo pads with large writing on them ,etc,etc.
oh,and never be scared of an adhder's temper.if you dont hold your ground then you do your partner no favours.

good luck guys xxx
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Old 08-25-11, 06:02 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

p.s those lacking in attention seek and crave attention themselves.been there,done that.teach them patience but show them unconditional love.
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Old 10-11-11, 01:05 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

ADHD comes in many different types, combination of symptoms and levels of severity. These things can and will change through our life times.
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Old 10-11-11, 12:19 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

This quotation isn't about ADD, but it describes how it can feel to receive well-intentioned advice from someone who nonetheless assumes that our experience of our problems must be identical to their own.

"When you find a man living on the ragged edge of his consciousness, pent in to his sin and want and incompleteness, and consequently inconsolable, and then simply tell him that all is well with him, that he must stop his worry, break with his discontent, and give up his anxiety, you seem to him to come with pure absurdities. The only positive consciousness he has tells him that all is not well, and the better way you offer sounds simply as if you proposed to him to assert cold-blooded falsehoods. "The will to believe" cannot be stretched as far as that. We can make ourselves more faithful to a belief of which we have the rudiments, but we cannot create a belief out of whole cloth when our perception actively assures us of the opposite. The better mind proposed to us comes in that case in the form of a pure negation of the only mind we have, and we cannot actively will a pure negation." -William James, Varieties of Religious Experience
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