ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Non-ADD Partner Support
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 02-03-12, 12:21 PM
dannyted dannyted is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Hoboken, NJ
Posts: 7
Thanks: 5
Thanked 9 Times in 5 Posts
dannyted is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I just want to cry. Your post hit home on so many points about my wife. I have harbored such anger and frustration, it is often toxic. I love her dearly, always will. It's only the last year or so that I realized what her situation was and the realization alone has helped tremendously. I want to move on in dealing with this problem. I read your earlier post about the non-ADD spouse "wanting to fix it" and have not been able to discuss this topic with my wife. Our sons have it, my wife acknowledges that they do, but never mentions it about herself. I hope to find the strength to approach her about it, regardless of where it goes.
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dannyted For This Useful Post:
CheekyMonkey (02-04-12), RedHairedWitch (12-20-12)
  #62  
Old 02-13-12, 03:29 AM
TripleButterfly TripleButterfly is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: United States
Posts: 11
Thanks: 6
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
TripleButterfly is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I'm starting to cry while reading this. I've only been in a relationship for about a year with my partner and I'm so happy that I'm trying to understand him more.

I didn't think I was coping with his ADD symptoms until I read an article about challenges of adult ADD in relationships and I was seeing all the symptoms he was exhibiting... The frustration and anger that wasn't my fault, his becoming hyperfocused on everything and how I often get shut out when that happens, a few other things.

It also makes me cry because I'm realising what I involuntarily signed up for and how difficult things may end up being in the future.

But on the other hand, things could end up okay and I will be happy that I stuck things out.

I hope I'll be able to talk with him about some of these things more comfortably in the future because the last time I tried talking with him about how his condition affects him, I didn't get much before he shut down.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TripleButterfly For This Useful Post:
RedHairedWitch (12-20-12)
  #63  
Old 02-18-12, 04:01 PM
2sad4j 2sad4j is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: ansonia ct
Posts: 13
Thanks: 4
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
2sad4j is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

wish i found this place before ................
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #64  
Old 02-18-12, 04:27 PM
2sad4j 2sad4j is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: ansonia ct
Posts: 13
Thanks: 4
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
2sad4j is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

well he woulnt seek the proper help and i had to leave him for the second time now that i am learning about this disorder i am hurt by his denial im inaa which is where i brought him after he lost his job and i had left him for 6 months cuz o f the crazy behavior i was the frog in the pot he then became a friend stealer and acted like it was the country club and tried to leave me in shadows smoke screened to real problem the add went to counseling then bailed went to another who presribed .... loazepam said he wont take it cuz not a drug addict tried to hide it from them also i believe under anxiety and depression i have 9 years sobriety now he is currently actively drinking again and blamed sponsor and me for his leaving aa truth is we saw it all coming and now hes with someone else bs ing her too i was given the book is it u me or adult add and ittells the story of my relatonship i am very sadover this and feel like i misguided him but in truth it really is up to him ... has it all apnea irritable mean dibetic bulimic blaming rude loud likes to fight frigid rigid etcccccccc............. thing is underneath it all i know he suffers and wonder what happened to that nice fella i met and fell in love with.....................
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 06-18-12, 11:49 AM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Here's a list of threads worth reading:

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9767

http://addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=98803


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=85894


http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=73780

http://www.addforums.com/forums/show...ghlight=corner



Also a couple of great books to look into:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?: Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera and Russell Barkley


Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell A. Barkley



The ADHD Marriage Workbook a User-Friendly Guide to Improving Your Relationship by Michael T. Bell and Trevor Williams


ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says by Russell A. Barkley



And here are some videos that you guys could watch:


http://www.caddac.ca/cms/video/teens_adults_player.html
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 09-09-12, 08:26 AM
colleenmrtn colleenmrtn is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: australia
Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
colleenmrtn is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

i am a spouse of and ADHDer and have found this thread very enlighten. As i'm reading i'm thinking ok i am doing that and ok i should not be doing that. I would love for my hubby too join and post on here but i do not think he will, it's not that he does not except he has ADHD but that since he was diaignosed at the age of 16 his mother told him he just had too deal with it and that nothing else could be done. He was on medication bt he says he was so doped out he had no choice but too go off it. Nothing else was done for him and so he thought he just had too live with it and would not be able too 'function' normally.

The ADHD has really only gotten worse in the last few months since he cut all ties with his mother. He wrote her a letter explaining why he was cutting ties and now when i reread the letter i realise he held back on alot of things and i feel this has made things worse for him. Not too mention we are expecting our 2nd child anyday now and we have a 3yr old.

When we 1st got married he told me he had ADHD when he was younger bt he had grown out of it. Once our son was born i noticed things changed, they would get better for awhile and then get worse again. Finally after almost 3yrs of being up and down and saying nothing is wrong and almost ending our marriage i finally had enough and said you need too talk to me and tell me whats going on. he ummed and arred for awhile but then finally broke down and said he knew the ADHD was back and worse then what he can remember of when he was 1st diaginosed.

So i got onto the net and did as much resaerchh as i cold beofer his dr's appointment. he is now in counciling and although it has only been 4 seesions i can see he is trying. I am well aware this is a long road and i really don't care i love him and will not give up supporting him. I also feel the more i know, the more tools we learn too cope i guess the better prepared we will be if one or both of our boys ends up having ADHD.
I see this as we have ADHD not just him.

If anyone has any suggetions for me in respects too coping myself and also helping him pls let me know. it's only been about 2mths since his dr's app and since he admitted it was back so pls any advice would be gratefully excepted.
if your an ADHDer and can give me some advice that would be great. A partner of an ADHDer that can give me some advice wold also be great.

Thank you

Last edited by BR549; 09-09-12 at 04:37 PM.. Reason: paragraph breaks only
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 09-11-12, 09:02 AM
ginniebean's Avatar
ginniebean ginniebean is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 11,786
Blog Entries: 27
Thanks: 22,964
Thanked 21,934 Times in 7,992 Posts
ginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

You really should make your own thread so you can get more answers. As it stands now, answering in here would mean hijacking this thread.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ginniebean For This Useful Post:
RedHairedWitch (12-13-12)
  #68  
Old 09-16-12, 02:15 PM
flowers66 flowers66 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: london
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 3 Times in 1 Post
flowers66 is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Luvmybully I totally agree with you - mental downtime is a MUST have. My brother and mum both have ADHD.

My partner has ADD and Aspergers syndrome. We dated for 4 months and he was so oerexcited about us being in a relationship, he would tell everyone about him haing a girlfriend but then his mood swings set in and it was a rollarcoaster ever since.

He broke up with me when he was experiencing a mood swing - the ADD completely stresses him out and wipes him out and the Asperger's brings on the inability to understand and often control his emotions. 95% of what he says are lies or fantasies and he can be quite cruel. But underneath that is someone who is struggling to keep up with his very fast track mind and it is incredibly exhausting for him.

For anyone who has told me or others that it can't be just down to his ADD/Aspergers and that he chooses this behaviour or it's because of his family upbringing - wrong!! This article is highlights how often families, many times mothers - and partners feel at their wits end because they feel blamed when the behaviour of the individual with ADD/ADHD can get out of control.

"Understanding and Recognizing ADHD" by Dr Nikos Myttas

My partner and I broke up after 4 months (he broke up with me) then he came back into my life calling me texting me about his new girlfriend but pretty soon we were back in each other's lives and I realised the gf didn't exist. "Run for the hills" was alot of advice I got but I am also on the autistic spectrum albeit highly functioning and I don't know, I just got him and I also felt when we were together it was natural.

We are now back together but because we don’t call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” and we never say we are in a relationship, he is far less stressed around me as there’s “no pressure” and so we have gotten much closer. I’ve noticed his change in moods when he talks about “relationship” (anxious and stressed) or when it just happens naturally (he holds me or he initialises holding my hand in public.) I think our relationship speaks through actions rather than labels. It was easier for him to say he had a girlfriend who “didn’t exist” than one who does.



I have realised that for my partner to feel comfortable and less stressed we can never “label” what we have together.



Many people might be judgemental about what might seem like an atypical relationship - it is!! But I have realised that by taking the "labels" away I am also feeling far less stressed and tired - I feel exhausted sometimes in his company when we were officially dating, now by just enjoying each other's company and "letting it be" the pressure is off him "to be good, to do this, to do that" now he can just be himself and he can have his mental down time without the worry that he should be doing something "for his girlfriend" or because of her.



That's not to say this is a solution for everybody but it's working for us even though it's very difficult to share with other people who may be extremely judgemental.



Thanks for this forum, reading other people's posts have been helpful too.

Last edited by BR549; 09-16-12 at 09:48 PM.. Reason: link to other forum
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to flowers66 For This Useful Post:
Fuzzy12 (12-20-12), Luvmybully (12-13-12), RedHairedWitch (12-13-12)
  #69  
Old 11-03-12, 02:03 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

So what is impairment?

People sometimes compare ADHD to having a serve disability, like being a paraplegic. While some ADHDers do have ADHD so bad that they struggle to function at all, many are not so far down the sliding scale. As ADHD is a disorder where some have it worse than others.

ADHD causes impairment. To get diagnosed, you have to have impairment in 5 areas of life. Such as in the workplace, relationships, organizational skills, school, money management and so forth. This is because our executive function is impaired.

A lot of NTs (neuro typical or normal brained) people struggle to understand what impairment means. So allow me to offer an example, or allegory.

If being paralyzed from the waist down in a disability, having a club foot is impairment.

With a club foot, you can still get around, go shopping, dance at your sisters wedding and so forth like most people can.

You might need a cane to help you, rather than a wheel chair. You could probably still get around without a cane, but it makes it a little easier.

You might have to learn how to go up stairs in a way differently from other people.

You won’t be as graceful as other people. No learning the tango for you. Dancing at your sister’s wedding is more of a shuffle.

You are going to walk slower than other people. Running may be impossible, or only possible in short bursts.

You’re going to be a little bit clumsier than other people.

You’re going to need to take a break and sit more often.

You might have to plan trips out and about town more carefully, as being on your feet for hours on end is not an easy task.

You’re going to get tired and sore faster than other people.

Your back and hips may become sore from compensating for the club foot and limp.

You’re going to have insensitive people ask you if you really need that cane?

You’re going to have insensitive people become frustrated and annoyed with you for being slow moving or clumsy.

You’re going to have insensitive people stare at you, or laugh, or treat you like you are less than.

You’re going to have insensitive people tell you tat you should just “power through” or “play through the pain”.

ADHD is an neurological impairment. Our brains have a club foot.

We are going to be less graceful. We are going to be slower. We are going to get tired easier. And so on and so forth.

We have insensitive people tells us to “power through” or “play through the pain”. Or just stop being so lazy, or scattered, or stupid.

We have people ask if we really need medication? Or therapy? Or to do lists? And so forth.

We have people become frustrated and annoyed with us for being disorganized, or not as skilled socially, or for being space cadets etc

The trouble is, we don’t have an obvious limp. Not until you get to know us and see that our limp is the messy house, late to appointments, anxiety over social situations and so forth.

So people moralize our impairments. They don’t see the limp, so they think we do these things deliberately.

If your partner had a club foot, would you expect him to be able to walk as fast as you, even with a cane?
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
bellalunarena (11-24-12), Lunacie (11-03-12), mischaelman (01-04-14)
  #70  
Old 12-11-12, 12:46 AM
TheSameCastle!'s Avatar
TheSameCastle! TheSameCastle! is offline
Jr Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 11
Thanks: 10
Thanked 16 Times in 7 Posts
TheSameCastle! is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I just signed up, and spent some time reading through this thread. So far: awesome! It's pretty clear to me that this will certainly be a great place for me to better understand what my wife is going through. Thank you so much, everyone!
__________________
Trying to See the Bigger Picture
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to TheSameCastle! For This Useful Post:
RedHairedWitch (12-13-12)
  #71  
Old 12-13-12, 07:57 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Here are some helpful and informative links on communicating with ADHD:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-honest-lies-0

http://www.sanluisobispo.com/2011/03...unication.html

http://www.adderworld.com/blog1/2007...nication-cues/

http://chesapeakeadd.com/adhd-articl...s-as-a-couple/
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 12-13-12, 08:11 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Hyperfocous in ADHD is a myth. This is a term used commonly in ADHD literature and by the various peddlers of ADHD "cures" and such. One good way to tell if someone truly understands the condition if whether or not they use the term Hyperfocous. They should not.



Hyperfocus and perseveration are two different things. ADHDers exhibit perseveration not hyperfocous.

Hyperfocous
is state of being or ability in which one is able to concentrate and focus on a particular subject so intensely, ultimately becoming oblivious to everything else around.
Generally, it refers to the experience of focusing on one topic to the degree that all other stimuli are nearly completely shut out. This gives an individual the feeling of being isolated with the concept, problem, or activity in question and allows him or her to experience greater connection with that activity.
In some cases, this type of focus can be nearly compulsive, and it can be very hard to break the trance-like concentration experienced.
Hyperfcous is found in cases of autism, OCD and other disorders. Now, some people with ADHD may also be on the autism spectrum or have OCD or suffer from anxiety that can cause hyperfocous, but the ADHD does not cause hyperfocous.
Hyperfocous is related to INPUT. The brain become obsessed with inputting the stimuli.


Quote:
Confusion with perseveration, as a clinical symptom


Hyperfocus may in some cases also be evidence, or symptomatic, of a clinical psychiatry condition, where it is more commonly and accurately[1] described as perseveration (or perseverance) - the inability to, or impairment in, switching tasks or activities ("set shifting"),[2] or desisting from mental or physical response repetition (gestures, words, thoughts) despite absence or cessation of a stimulus,[3][4][5][6] and which is not excessive in terms of quantity but are apparently both functionless and involve a narrow range of behaviours, and are not better described as stereotypy (a highly repetitive idiosyncratic behaviour).
Conditions associated with perseveration include
Perseveration is found in ADHD. This is the tendency to continue or repeat an act or activity after the cessation of the original stimulus. The act of persisting or persevering; continuing or repeating behavior; "his perseveration continued to the point where it was no longer appropriate"
ADHD causes one to have difficulty switching tasks. Such as turning away from the computer to go make dinner. Or the tendency to repeat the same story to the same people.
ADHD is an OUTPUT disorder. Perseveration is a failure in output. The knowing that one should stop talking/reading/playing a video game and failing to do so, a failure in output.

Quote:
In psychology and psychiatry perseveration is the repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus, usually caused by brain injury or other organic disorder,[1] or "the inability to switch ideas along with the social context, as evidenced by the repetition of words or gestures after they have ceased to be socially relevant or appropriate," [2] or the "act or task of doing so," [3] and are not better described as stereotypy (a highly repetitive idiosyncratic behaviour).
In a broader sense it is used for a wide range of functionless behaviours that arise from a failure of the brain to either inhibit prepotent responses or to allow its usual progress to a different behavior, and includes impairment in set shifting and task switching in social and other contexts.
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
mischaelman (01-04-14)
  #73  
Old 12-13-12, 10:05 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

(and yes, autistic people also display perseveration as do people with other disorders)

Some articles (and such) on perseveration:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...rocrastination

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science...01008294900396

http://flexiture4adhd.com/2009/11/27...perseveration/


__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
mischaelman (01-04-14)
  #74  
Old 12-20-12, 11:40 AM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

This was posted in another by another member but very much belongs here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
I can say from experience that you are both walking on eggshells, and that you both believe that you have worse eggshells to walk than the other person does. You are misunderstanding each other because you see the world differently. His picture of "normal and right and acceptable" is permanently different from yours. Even if you're "right" about what's normal and right and acceptable, you can never ever convince him of that because his brain sees things differently. If he says you have convinced him, it's only a white lie (one that he might even believe) to make both of you feel better, and he'll soon snap back to his real self.

The so-called eggshells come from not knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling. When you notice eggshells, you know FOR SURE that you are WRONG about what the other person is thinking and feeling. It's necessary to just ask, instead of assuming - that is hard to do sometimes. And even more important (plus being way way more difficult) it's necessary for both of you to accept the answers you get from asking. No interpreting, no arguing, just listening and understanding. When you don't understand, ask some more. All this asking questions is tiring and irritating and feels ridiculous because the questions are going to be about things you think are basic to being human.

("Normal-brained" people tend to count on being able to look inside themselves and ask "How would I feel in this situation if I was him?" and usually be correct. When the person you're talking to has ADHD, you're going to get it wrong just about every time. He doesn't think and feel the way you do - it's not possible. And he is going to make just as many wrong assumptions about you, if he tries to do it - which he probably does.)

Acceptance and real understanding from him about you, and acceptance and real understanding from you about him, both at once, is the only solution to the eggshells. Except it's not a solution, it's just a permanent agreement to respect each other and respect each other's opinions. It hurts to respect opinions that you know for sure are wrong. But that's exactly what you BOTH have to do. You both have to swallow your pride (and swallow your logic, and your intelligence, and your morals too if necessary) and accept the other person's point of view, without arguing, and go forward from there.

The point is that you both must deal with the real person beside you, not with your imagination of how they could be "if only". "If only" is never coming, I promise.

In real life this is very hard to do, and maybe my post is too idealistic. Maybe constant fighting is just part of the deal. I sure hope not.
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
mischaelman (01-04-14)
  #75  
Old 01-11-13, 11:56 AM
mjrodri1 mjrodri1 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
mjrodri1 is on a distinguished road
Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I don't have any useful tips or help. I, myself, am struggling with a spouse who, (in my opinion) has a pretty severe case of ADHD. Been married 3 years and this is totally new to me. I am 44 and this isn't my first marriage, 20 year Army Vet > Been there, "Done That". If, I was 21 and going through this, I would have hung myself by now. But the benefit of age and time has really helped me to cope. In saying that, it is still a nightmare. After reading the posts in here, I can now say that I can't fix this, this is just who she is. And it is I, that needs to learn how to adjust, help and cope with it or I am gonna walk out of this marriage. It's just that simple. I now understand that her brain needs a fan to sleep, because that it is how it is wired. And she isn't doing it on purpose to annoy me... It helps her to sleep and she > like everyone else, needs sleep. She can't sleep without it... Ok, got it!... But I have mental health requirements as well, and for me > Sleeping with a fan is like sleeping with a monkey banging on cymbals and laughing (in a high monkey like shreAk) all night long... It DOES NOT WORK FOR ME! Also, I don't care if there are LED Lights on in the room, or if the hall light is on... Does not bother me. Her??? She thinks aliens or monsters are in the room if there is any light on... And she has to tell me every night to please turn off every light in the house multiple times... As soon as I sit down in bed, as soon as I lift a leg to get in bed > She starts with the: "Can you turn off the light", "can you check the lights in the hall", "Is the light in the garage on" NO NO NO NO, doesn't matter; I have to go check... It's some kinda Jedi Mind Trick she is trying to pull on me every night!!! I am goiNG baTTy!!!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What would you like your Non-ADD Partner / Spouse to understand about you? Tara Relationships & Social Issues 13 06-16-18 01:50 AM
More workingwith ADHD kids Dizfriz General Parenting Issues 11 11-06-16 11:12 AM
international consensus statement on adhd gabriela General ADD Talk 2 12-11-12 06:35 AM
Evidence doesn't support restricted diet for ADHD Andi ADD News 2 03-13-11 11:23 PM
Clinical discretion, or, why you should put down the DSM. Trooper Keith Science in the Media 419 01-19-11 05:27 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums