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  #76  
Old 01-12-13, 06:54 PM
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Smile Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

The symptoms you are describing do not sound like ADHD
at all but maybe a comorbid condition might be there

Here are some ADHD symtoms that DO stress relationships
- disorganized - i have this
- bad temper - i dont have this
- procrastinates on everything - i have this
- bad with money .:.
- firgets things
- doesnt listen
- interupts people
- talks too much
- has trouble with career
- ...

Delusions and halicinations have nothing to do woth ADHD. Now
she might be afraid of the dark but being afraid of the dark
isnt the same as believing aliens are there

Sorry.
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  #77  
Old 01-12-13, 06:58 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Almost burning down the house because thry forgot to
turn off the stove

Not hearing you when they were in hyperfocus mode
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  #78  
Old 07-01-13, 02:27 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Question:
As I was reading through these awesome and informative posts I found myself wondering does medication help? I'm not sure it is helping my husband and I am concerned...
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  #79  
Old 07-21-13, 10:36 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Hello everyone , I'm the spouse of an adhd person and it is driving me insane. It has been 8 years on this roller coaster but He has finally agreed to see a psychiatrist so they can maybe diagnose him and prescribe medication as well as help us to communicate. The thing that irritates me the most is that he always guesses what I'm going to say even though he will be wrong most of the time and never listens to me and gets really really angry about the stupidest things that are A non issue; however, I have to listen to everything he says time and time again. He will ask me the same question 10 times and forget what I said. I just feel not listened to and it is overwhelming!

I have called three therapists in our area and I have yet to received a call back. I'm so disappointed and frustrated that i can get any help or support ....I just need some understanding. I feel like I'm talking to a wall most of the time because he can never pay attention but god forbid if he says something I have to give him my undivided attention .

CAN ANYONE recommend A male psychiatrist close to Calabasas CA ?. What medication is good for this? how can we get a prescription.

My husbands add affects his work tremendously but he will never admit to it. He says he loves to be adhd and he thinks is exciting but is affecting his work, sleep, he is anxious and frustrated all the time But most importantly is ruining our relationship.
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  #80  
Old 07-22-13, 11:53 PM
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Red face Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

I know the feeling my bf and i have been off and on for 4 years and it makes you think does he care? Is he listening? I remember two arguments we had seem like he bottled up how he felt that he started not only yelling at me for stuff I had no clue he was mad about but we never communicated that anything bothered him.He also wouldn't allow me to say anything which later I found out is also a symptom of Adhd. If i wasn't educated i would leave him quick thinking he's a rude insensitive jerk. But i realized that I love him and I'm willing to deal with it but id like for him to take part and learn how it affects our relationship. Its very frustrating and at times I completely forget he has this disorder. Hellllp plz
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  #81  
Old 08-19-13, 12:14 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

It can be pretty hard to understand where your ADHD souse is coming from, especially if communication between you two isn't great.

Here are a few wonderful threads about relationships and life from the ADHDers perspective. Reading these might give you some insight, and also might help you find the right questions to ask your partner to open the lines of communication:

She says "why wont you talk to me?"
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=147770

Dear Husband
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=149108

How do you manage to neither hurt yourself nor others?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=148936

Need to vent... I am so upset and useless and angry.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=148219

Overwhelmed - spouse says I have nothing to be overwhelmed about.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=147688

My trouble in deep relations lies in barely feeling people's emotions
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=139317

Living with someone with a mental/neurological disorder
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=138067

10 Things Adults with ADD Would like their Partners to Know
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=10798

Does anyone else feel stupid?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=149025

I just sit and look at the computer all day
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=131873

ADHD grief process while being man of the house.
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=140863

When is being 'lazy' at it's all time high?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=149007

Hyperactivity in women
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=140657

How to organize my thoughts??
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94398

What's it like to be a mother with ADHD?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=134843
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  #82  
Old 08-19-13, 08:05 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

(pro tip: it's better to start your own thread if you want to ask a question or make remarks not directly related to this thread)

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  #83  
Old 11-03-13, 04:09 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD



  1. Activation: organizing tasks and materials, estimating time, prioritizing tasks, and getting started on work tasks. Patients with ADD describe chronic difficulty with excessive procrastination. Often they will put off getting started on a task, even a task they recognize as very important to them, until the very last minute. It is as though they cannot get themselves started until the point where they perceive the task as an acute emergency.
  2. Focus: focusing, sustaining focus, and shifting focus to tasks. Some describe their difficulty in sustaining focus as similar to trying to listen to the car radio when you drive too far away from the station and the signal begins fading in and out: you get some of it and lose some of it. They say they are distracted easily not only by things that are going on around them, but also by thoughts in their own minds. In addition, focus on reading poses difficulties for many. Words are generally understood as they are read, but often have to be read over and over again in order for the meaning to be fully grasped and remembered.
  3. Effort: regulating alertness, sustaining effort, and processing speed. Many with ADHD report they can perform short-term projects well, but have much more difficulty with sustained effort over longer periods of time. They also find it difficult to complete tasks on time, especially when required to do expository writing. Many also experience chronic difficulty regulating sleep and alertness. Often they stay up too late because they can’t shut their head off. Once asleep, they often sleep like dead people and have a big problem getting up in the morning.
  4. Emotion: managing frustration and modulating emotions. Although DSM-IV does not recognize any symptoms related to the management of emotion as an aspect of ADHD, many with this disorder describe chronic difficulties managing frustration, anger, worry, disappointment, desire, and other emotions. They speak as though these emotions, when experienced, take over their thinking as a computer virus invades a computer, making it impossible for them give attention to anything else. They find it very difficult to get the emotion into perspective, to put it to the back of their mind, and to get on with what they need to do.
  5. Memory: utilizing working memory and accessing recall. Very often, people with ADHD will report that they have adequate or exceptional memory for things that happened long ago, but great difficulty in being able to remember where they just put something, what someone just said to them, or what they were about to say. They may describe difficulty holding one or several things “on line” while attending to other tasks. In addition, persons with ADHD often complain that they cannot pull out of memory information they have learned when they need it.
  6. Action: monitoring and regulating self-action. Many persons with ADHD, even those without problems of hyperactive behavior, report chronic problems in regulating their actions. They often are too impulsive in what they say or do, and in the way they think, jumping too quickly to inaccurate conclusions. Persons with ADHD also report problems in monitoring the context in which they are interacting. They fail to notice when other people are puzzled, or hurt or annoyed by what they have just said or done and thus fail to modify their behavior in response to specific circumstances. Often they also report chronic difficulty in regulating the pace of their actions, in slowing self and/or speeding up as needed for specific tasks.
*From: http://www.drthomasebrown.com/add-adhd-model/
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  #84  
Old 01-09-14, 01:51 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Some terms and stuff:

Cognitive flexibility

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_flexibility

http://www.behavioralandbrainfunctio...content/3/1/42

Perseveration
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perseveration

http://www.projectlearnet.org/tutori...everation.html


Hyperfocus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperfocus

http://voices.yahoo.com/hyperfocus-a...22.html?cat=72
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  #85  
Old 04-10-14, 05:56 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

ADHD is about having broken filters on your perception.

Normal people have a sort of mental secretary that takes the 99% of irrelevant crap that crosses their mind, and simply deletes it before they become consciously aware of it. As such, their mental workspace is like a huge clean whiteboard, ready to hold and organize useful information.

ADHD people... have no such luxury. Every single thing that comes in the front door gets written directly on the whiteboard in bold, underlined red letters, no matter what it is, and no matter what has to be erased in order for it to fit.

As such, if we're in the middle of some particularly important mental task, and our eye should happen to light upon... a doorknob, for instance, it's like someone burst into the room, clad in pink feathers and heralded by trumpets, screaming HEY LOOK EVERYONE, IT'S A DOORKNOB! LOOK AT IT! LOOK! IT OPENS THE DOOR IF YOU TURN IT! ISN'T THAT NEAT? I WONDER HOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKS DO YOU SUPPOSE THERE'S A CAM OR WHAT? MAYBE ITS SOME KIND OF SPRING WINCH AFFAIR ALTHOUGH THAT SEEMS KIND OF UNWORKABLE.

It's like living in a soft rain of post-it notes.

This happens every single waking moment, and we have to manually examine each thought, check for relevance, and try desperately to remember what the thing was we were thinking before it came along, if not. Most often we forget, and if we aren't caught up in the intricacies of doorknob engineering, we cast wildly about for context, trying to guess what the hell we were up to from the clues available.

On the other hand, we're extremely good at working out the context of random remarks, as we're effectively doing that all the time anyway.

We rely heavily on routine, and 90% of the time get by on autopilot. You can't get distracted from a sufficiently ingrained habit, no matter what useless crap is going on inside your head... unless someone goes and actually disrupts your routine. I've actually been distracted out of taking my lunch to work, on several occasions, by my wife reminding me to take my lunch to work. What the? Who? Oh, yeah, will do. Where was I? um... briefcase! Got it. Now keys.. okay, see you honey!

Also, there's a diminishing-returns thing going on when trying to concentrate on what you might call a non-interactive task. Entering a big block of numbers into a spreadsheet, for instance. Keeping focused on the task takes exponentially more effort each minute, for less and less result. If you've ever held a brick out at arm's length for an extended period, you'll know the feeling. That's why the internet, for instance, is like crack to us - it's a non-stop influx of constantly-new things, so we can flick from one to the next after only seconds. Its better/worse than pistachios.

The exception to this is a thing we get called hyper focus. Occasionally, when something just clicks with us, we can get ridiculously deeply drawn into it, and NOTHING can distract us. We've locked our metaphorical office door, and we're not coming out for anything short of a tornado.

Medication takes the edge off. It reduces the input, it tones down the fluster, it makes it easier to ignore trivial stuff, and it increases the maximum focus-time. Imagine steadicam for your skull. It also happens to make my vision go a little weird and loomy occasionally, and can reduce appetite a bit.

From: http://www.tickld.com/funny/t/755718


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  #86  
Old 04-10-14, 06:17 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

RHW, that was awesome! Thanks for sharing it.

I've learned that if we have something my daughter wants to take to work for her lunch,

99% of the time she will forget it.

And I won't remember to remind her unless I'm actually getting something else out of the fridge (dog food etc).

Then I don't remind her ... I take it out and hand it to her.

I'm not sure how often she remembers to take from the car in to work.

I'm not sure how often she remembers that she put in the fridge at work.

But I sure feel good when I see it and hand it over to her.
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  #87  
Old 05-28-14, 05:08 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Hi. I am new to this site and I greatly appreciate any experience you have to offer. I recently began dating a man with ADHD (two months). He does take medication and is currently seeing a psychologist. He tries to manage it, but I don't really feel like it is under control.

In an effort to understand him better I began researching relationships with adults who have ADHD or ADD. The hyper focus thing terrifies me. I read numerous posts and articles stating that the hyper focus stage in a relationship is like the honeymoon stage on crack (in my own words). The problem is that this stage never lasts. I ready story after story about how the relationship was completely different after the hyper focus stage came to an end. The affected partner suddenly became extremely disinterested in the non affected partner and withdrew emotionally and physically from the relationship. The affected partner didn't even notice their behavior change and claimed to still love the non affected partner just as much.

My boyfriend is currently very sweet and attentive. He texts and calls me all the time. He wants to see each other often and we share a lot of common interests. I don't think I could handle it if one day he just becomes cold and distant for no reason and the sweet, attentive, caring guy I fell for is gone forever. Is this certain to happen? How long does it typically take? I am just really afraid of giving my heart away to someone who will inevitably break it. I am not good at staying detached. I do not deal well with emotional unavailability. It brings out the worst in me.

Should I talk to my boyfriend about this? Typically, I share my fears in relationships because they lose their power over me when I say them aloud. The fears are usually completely ungrounded. This fear is different - I think it is pretty rational based on all the information I read.

Thank you for any help!

K
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Old 03-09-15, 04:28 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
I see many people who love an ADHDer who are at a loss, they don’t know what to do, where to turn or what to think. They don’t know what ADHD is to blame for and what it is not.

There’s a lot of confusing information out there. There’ also a lot of people trying to sell you something, a book, medication, a treatment plan, who will fill your head with hope and promise just to make a buck.

On the many websites, blogs, forums, in books and at support groups I often see the same thing again and again. An angry, often bitter and frustrated spouse, who just wants things to get better. I see the same questions asked over and over again and the same misconceptions time and again.

The purpose of this post is to help cover some of those questions and misconceptions that are so common among the partners (and parents) of a person with ADHD.

I know you probably feel like you’re out of you mind and maybe that your life is out of control. In no way do I wish to belittle your feelings or your experiences. In no way is this tread is NOT meant to be an attack on you. However, it might say some things that are hard for you to hear (or read, rather) or to understand at first. Please, I ask you to try, and to bear with it.

(In no particular order)

* The best research shows that ADHDers have 5 areas of the brain than develop slightly smaller than the norm. This makes it as much a physical disability as being born with one leg shorter than the other. But it affects the brain, which in turn affects everything. For more information o n how the ADHD brain functions, I suggest you watch a wonderful talk given my Dr. Barkley on the subject: http://www.caddac.ca/cms/video/teens_adults_player.html watch the videos in the “Executive Function” folder. Its long, but well worth having this information, this information will help you!

* Then watch all the other videos.

* For something a little bit short and sweet. Go onto Youtube and search “ADHD Barkley” for a few highlights.

* ADHD is a real disability. It is not a moral issue. People do not CHOOSE to live like this.

* ADHD does not affect your ability to be moral and make ethical choices. It affects your ability to do things and perform tasks. But that doesn’t mean we have free reign to be bad people. ADHD does not excuse infidelity or abuse. Most ADHDers are GOOD PEOPLE, if someone with ADHD is abusive, they would probably be abusive if they did not have ADHD.

* Many people confuse typical marriage and gender issues with ADHD. Example: Many wives complain that their husbands never say “Thank you” but yet expect a parade to be thrown in their honour for taking out the trash. This has nothing to do with ADHD.

* If you have met one ADHDer, you have not met us all. We are still individuals. We still will have different personality traits. Upbringing and such has a lot to do with it. Just because your ADHDer does something, does not mean another will.

* ADHD is a spectrum disorder with different subtypes. Imagine a stereo system, the kind with many dials that affect the sound and volume. Some ADHDers have the volume cranked very high, others it’s down to almost normal. Some ADHDers have certain symptoms more than others. No two ADHDers have their dials set exactly the same.

* The troubles in your marriage are not totally your ADHDer’s fault. Own what you have done to contribute to the break down. You are responsible for your own anger, resentment and issues.

* There is no cure for ADHD. Even the best treatment can only help us cope better.

* Medication will not fix anything on its own. It is only a tool, a crutch, assistance.

* Counselling will help you too, not necessarily because you are broken, but because you need assistance and to learn how to cope.

* It is not fair to expect you to do all the work when it comes to treatment, your spouse is responsible for getting his or her butt to the doctor and following through with treatment. But please understand that it is often a two steps forward, one step, back kind of progress.

* It can be difficult to come to terms with being diagnosed with ADHD, expect it to take some time for them to wrap their head around it and be ready to face it.


(I have to go make lunch, does anyone have some thing HELPFUL to add?)
I would just like to say I think my Wife and I have covered everything listed except she has never been to therapy on her own and starting tomorrow she is going to her first session and I hope and pray it will help improve our relationship.
Thanks.
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Old 03-09-15, 06:13 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

This is one of my favourite threads on this site. It got me nodding my head and saying "Yes, that's a great post"several times. I'll be sure to suggest some of these to my partner.
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Old 03-09-15, 08:25 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelleigh16 View Post
The problem is that this stage never lasts. I ready story after story about how the relationship was completely different after the hyper focus stage came to an end.
K
Hi, beware of generalizing, expecially with adhd.

I am still friends with my ex-gf 20 years later

Currently working through my marriage. Tons of adhd related issues but
I see no signs me losing interest in my wife is going to be the issue.

adhd isnt simple and its sometimes paradoxical.

Consider I can flip channels of attention or excessively hyper focus. I do both
at different times
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Disclaimer: I've not been medicated. I know meds work for some ppl but not how well they work. By default my bias is to work with not against our nature. Do what works for you.
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