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  #91  
Old 03-09-15, 10:19 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Please love me when I make mistakes and accept my quirks.
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  #92  
Old 03-12-15, 10:04 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

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Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
Please love me when I make mistakes and accept my quirks.
Hope so. My experience has been accepting I have to adapt because NTs don't.
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  #93  
Old 03-19-15, 09:14 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Just want to point out that a lot of these "requests" are things that every spouse should do for one another.

I agreed to take the bad with the good when I got married, My husband as well.
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  #94  
Old 03-20-15, 04:48 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Good post Mrs Newton!
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  #95  
Old 04-09-15, 03:19 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

ADD me's Own Supplement to the Original Letter:

One thing I rarely see mentioned here: ADHDers are generally very poor self-observers. Obviously, this is a difficult thing for us to deal with, and it might go a long way toward explaining why your feedback doesn't always sink in with your ADHD partner/spouse, and/or why he/she doesn't seem to believe you.

It is VERY humbling to admit that one does NOT come across the way one intends, or the way one thinks one does. Adults are expected to observe and modify their own behavior -- for example, if a job performance eval says, for example, "Try being more considerate of your co-workers." An NT will take note, recognize times when they are less considerate than they could be, and remember to take time to be more personable.

However, an ADHD can be totally surprised by this feedback, even angry: "What do you mean, I'm not very considerate???" They have no idea that, while they are getting lost in their own multi-track thinking about the task they are doing at present, what they plan to do after work, the song track currently playing in their head, the background music at work, the morning coffee that wasn't as good as usual, and the interesting scenes during their morning commute -- six co-workers have come by and felt totally dissed at being ignored, or at having their own greeting go w/out response.

It is humbling, not to say humiliating, to learn that one's "take" on the world -- memory, behavior, whatever -- is so unreliable. It took some time for me to let go of the issue when others disagreed with what I remembered, for example. My mother used to laugh, go into a pretend pout, and say, "When is it MY turn to be right?" which is how I have felt at times.

We need to learn to rely on people we trust, and ONLY those we trust, to give honest feedback out of their care and concern for us. Not because they are insisting they are "right" and we are "wrong."

Accept the fact that they DON'T realize they sound, or that their words were ill-chosen, or that they leave out the context for what they are saying. We don't know how we sound, or what are better ways of communicating. We often can't even tell if someone else is reacting negatively, especially if they are trying to be polite and not let on.

Accept the fact that they DON'T realize how irritating their behavior is. We don't know that what is natural to us (like planning on finishing a project "later") can be so irksome to others.

Accept the fact that they DON'T always remember what they promise to do. They can't. If their mind is all over the place, their brain cannot form appropriate neuron memories.

Give them space for that kind of stuff. After all, is it a cosmic disaster if things don't run the way you think they should, or the way you thought they were going to?

If they won't write stuff down, ask them to; if they refuse, write it down yourself and give it to them, at least until they agree to write it down themselves (which they will almost certainly begrudge at first).

If this upsets your expectations about a properly run household, or personal schedule -- well, getting used to one's own ADHD as an adult is like that, too. We don't really fit in your world, much of the time, but your world is the one we are forced to live in. If these glitches are irritating to you, imagine what it is like to live a life where almost everything one does is "glitched" somehow -- we can't take an evening out to get away from it (although you no doubt should). And remember: we didn't ask to be like this, but this is what we are like. It's not our fault; and even though managing it is our responsibility, we need understanding to make that management as effective as possible.

If you really love us, please respect that. Living with a person w/ ADHD is difficult, I am sure; but I don't think it's as difficult as living with ADHD yourself. But it does take a lot of the same kind of letting go.
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  #96  
Old 04-09-15, 03:44 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Every time this thread gets bumped, I realize that I miss RHW.
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  #97  
Old 04-09-15, 10:41 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsNewton View Post
Just want to point out that a lot of these "requests" are things that every spouse should do for one another.

I agreed to take the bad with the good when I got married, My husband as well.
There is much about managing ADHD, or living with someone w/ ADHD, that really is the kind of thing that everybody needs to do. It's just that the margin of error is smaller for someone w/ ADHD, and it's a harder job, and it's needed more often.

I'm not sure that makes sense, but I think people who are familiar w/ ADHD can get what I'm *trying* to say.
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  #98  
Old 04-10-15, 10:26 AM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

ADD Me--

Thank you so much for what you wrote. I find it extremely valuable, in two different important ways.

First, you are helping me to see myself better in relation to my partner and his ADHD. This is priceless--so important, so necessary, and something he has a hard time helping me to do. There's a lot for me to learn in what you said.

Second, your insight into how ADHD affects partners and families of people with ADHD is very fine, and this inspires me. So often it seems as though discrepancies between having/not having ADHD makes huge barriers between people and prevents them understanding each other. But of course that's not always true, and your post shows great sensitivity and clarity about experiences different from your own. That reminds me that such understanding IS possible, and it gives me hope to keep on trying to build such understanding between my partner and myself.

Thank you.
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  #99  
Old 04-13-15, 09:01 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADD me View Post
It's just that the margin of error is smaller for someone w/ ADHD
In my experience, the opposite is true. To deal with somebody with ADHD,
you have to be willing to try more things and have more things go wrong.

Adapting to adhd IS 100% about trying things, refining and trying again,
perhaps different.

If I had a small margin for error, I'd have lost the game years ago. For example, I spent 8 years in university, dropped my honors project several times.

So, if you are thinking "small margin" of error, I'd say, you are doomed to fail because you are dealing with somebody who makes lots of mistakes in areas you think should be "easy".

No, if you are sensing "a small" margin for error then you are dealing with
somebody unwilling to work with you.
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  #100  
Old 04-13-15, 09:29 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Wow, it's been 4 years since I first posted in this thread!

And something came to my full awareness recently about how my husband handles intense moments.

Maybe awareness is not the correct term, but I will try to make it as clear as I can.

Best way is to start with an example.

He had to leave very early Easter Sunday morning. He was upset about that. Nothing he could do though, it was unavoidable.

Wednesday he found out the meetings for Thursday were cancelled, so he changed his flight to early Thurs am. He is in CA, trying to get home to NC. A 6 hour flight.

He gets to the airport Thurs, and his flight is cancelled. Next flight? His originally booked one that leaves 10pm CA time and gets him home around 8:30am Fri. He sat at the airport for 12 hours.

He is jet-lagged and so tired, but too wound up to sleep during the day Fri. He has some calls he has to make, and work to get done.

Fri at 2:30 out new granddaughter has a Dr appointment. She has been coughing very badly. We get the call that they are admitting her to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. She is 15 weeks old! She has already been in the hospital once!

My husband F.L.I.P.P.E.D. O.U.T.

Had a FIT, yelling, banging stuff, enraged and hollering about how he can't catch a break. Just wants one day with NO bs. What are we going to do? What am *I* planning to do?

Our grandson, the baby's older brother, is here. He is 4. He just learned his sister is so sick she has to go to the hospital. His Poppa is freaking out. He is nervous and worried.

I wanted to have my own little * * tch fit on my husband.

Then I realized, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.

This is about my husband having such INTENSE feelings of worry, and scared, and TIRED and overwhelmed he just can not hold it in. It's TOO MUCH.

And you know what? He is ALLOWED to have those feelings. He is ALLOWED to vent and let them out. Emotions are his hardest thing to control. He struggles so much with his feelings. He feels awful afterwards. He is ALLOWED to have those moments where he just can not hold it in a moment longer.

He got himself under control. Drove us to the hospital. Was very supportive of our daughter. Came home and spent time with our grandson, making him feel better.

I never said a word. Did not make a sound. Just let him vent, answered simply when he asked me a question, then leaned on him when my heart broke seeing my grandbaby so sick and hooked up to tubes and monitors. He was my shoulder to cry on.

The point?

The one WITH adhd, the one WITH the struggle with emotions, is NOT THE ONE that should be expected to struggle even more during a crisis. I was able to stay calm, because I CAN. I have that ability. And my husband DESERVES to be who he is, and not feel like he did something wrong because he was exhausted and his sweet, precious little granddaugher had to be rushed to the hospital.
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  #101  
Old 10-11-15, 08:16 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

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Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
Every time this thread gets bumped, I realize that I miss RHW.
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  #102  
Old 03-23-16, 03:51 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
*

* Most of the people here are ADHD and/or have learning disabilities, there's also an number of people with Aspergers or just English as a second language.



* Take some time to read threads in different parts of the forum, then you can get a clearer picture of what is ADHD and what is simply your ADHDer's personality or non-ADHD related short comings.
First of all - thank you! I'm very new in ADHD world and I'm very much "outsider" - not only I'm NT ( so funny name, no one is completely typical, or "normal", every one has own cocroaches in his head ) I'm not even spouse or partner . I came here for my friend, ehm, no not like "boy-friend" [regretfully , hahaha). I can't say , I have problem in our relationship (OK, it's mostly Facebook/email-relationship, we met only twice. But you know, you have very few people in your life, that you met for a second or on a huge distance and... you just know, that's it. "Inavitable"). Even before he told me about his ADHD, I thought something this direction. But it doesn't matter. You have someone. You feel you strong attracted to this person. You're not blind and wear no rose glasses. You accept this person "as is", with all good and bad, strong and weak or wrong sides. Or you don't. I find my friend very important to me, and I'll always accept, support and if needed, protect him. I came here , because I want to understand, to make his life easier, not mine.
End of romantic break - back to reality You mentioned "learning disability". Is this the same what in Europe called dyslexia? I got an impression that left-handed, ADHD and dyslexia often combined. Am I wrong? My friend said once, he had learning disability. I didn't asked deeply, because I think, it's pretty sensitive.
That's actually my big concern - if I would take on me remind him about his appointments and coming soon dead lines, birthdays , if I'll try to fix his problems all the time - wouldn't it feel like paternalisation? Honestly speaking, my motto is - give him everything, what he want/needs and then clean his mess up, qietly. But it's always been my concern, if I don't come too close into his personal space. So far, he seems to appreciate my help and even likes to be pampered a little bit. But he trully needs some pampering, that little bit of extra's of even a drop of unnecesere luxury. He is coming through damn hard time in his life.
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  #103  
Old 03-23-16, 07:22 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Please accept me for who I am. I'm a really decent person with a good heart.
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Old 07-24-16, 12:42 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginniebean View Post
As an example, you decide to move the toothbrushes 'out of sight' while your adhd partner has been using this visual cue to manage the morning and evening routines for EVER. If you up and decide you don't like how it looks and then insist it be changed you are messing and making life actually quite a bit more difficult and adding to an already over-stressed management system.
I hadn't thought of things that are left out, around the house ("out of place" and "clutter" in my anxiety mind) as visual cues. Thank you so much for this insight. I hope I can find a compromise to neaten the visual cues to help my feelings but keep their functionality for my ADD partner. Any suggestions for that? I have preferred, OCD-dictated organization methods but they oppose my BF's instinct. On one hand, I feel it's unfair to give his ADD priority over my OCD and anxiety, but... I'm here, and he's not. I'm trying to fix things to help both of us, and he's not (that I'm aware of); so maybe I'm more likely to work to make the sacrifice on my end. Besides, I like change; he doesn't. Maybe I can change something to fit his style better but still accommodate me somewhat.
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Old 02-20-17, 02:18 PM
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Re: Dear Spouse or Partner of ADHD

Thank you so much for this post! I have never read Barkley, although 2 docs have recommended his books. I haven't read ANY books on ADHD in years because I felt like I understood my child very well, but now he's a teen approaching adulthood, I'm realizing just how wrong that mindset was. :-/
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